Bohiney Satrical Journalism

South Park’s Billion-Dollar Middle Finger: Trump, Satan, and the Paramount Penance Plan Season 27 Premieres with Googly-Eyed Genitals and Wall Street Meltdowns South Park Takes the Sermon to the Stock Exchange LOS ANGELES, CA — In a twist of holy satire and wholly unholy imagery, South Park returned for its 27th season with an episode that felt less like animated comedy and more like a $1.5 billion exorcism. Entitled “Sermon on the ’Mount,” the premiere mocked Donald Trump, skewered Paramount’s latest merger, twerked on corporate censorship, and delivered what critics are calling the “most expensive dick joke in television history.” This is not a drill. This is South Park on full-bore chaos mode, powered by the spiritual guidance of Satan, the marketing budget of Paramount Global, and the kind of unfiltered vulgarity that once made Hillary Clinton’s eye twitch like she was decoding Morse Code. Let’s back up. The $1.5 Billion Buyout for a Slap in the Face Paramount, under fire and under...

Public Broadcasting, Brought to You by... Literally Everyone The Day the Ads Arrived: It finally happened. After Congress voted to cut nearly $1.1 billion in federal funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting – a devastating blow for PBS and NPR axios.com  – public broadcasting had to do the unthinkable: run commercials. Longtime viewers and listeners, used to the soothing assurance that programs were “made possible by contributions from viewers like you,” suddenly heard something new. “And now, a word from our sponsor,” announced a gentle PBS voice, as stunned audiences spit out their chamomile tea. In that moment, decades of commercial-free serenity came to a screeching (and absurdly jarring) halt. Immediately, phones at local PBS stations lit up like a Christmas tree in a Hallmark movie. “Is this a prank?” one concerned viewer asked. A retired English professor from Vermont claimed, “I nearly had a heart attack when I saw Big Bird interrupted by a jingle for Mortimer’s Mont...

California Marxists Boo Toddler, Demand Baby Answers for Border Policy ‘Cooing in Fascist Tone,’ One Protester Claims — Satirical Journalism from Bohiney.com Scene: Disneyland, Anaheim — Where Magic Meets Marxism On July 14, 2025, Vice President J.D. Vance and his family entered Disneyland to experience a few moments of magic. You know — churros, ears, and emotional exhaustion by 11 a.m. But unfortunately for the Second Family, the trip took a dark political turn the moment a group of sign-waving California Marxists demanded that his 5-year-old daughter publicly denounce ICE. “We wanted accountability,” said one protester, Sheila Bernstein-López, 27, of Silverlake. “Her little fascist pigtails screamed complicity.” Eyewitnesses confirm the toddler was eating a melting grape popsicle and playing with a bubble wand at the time of interrogation. Observations from the Protest of Doom 1. Protesters accused a baby of being ‘stateless adjacent’. While J.D. Vance’s 3-year-old son was simply st...

Barbie 2 Filming Kicks Off in Wichita Falls: The Birthplace of Barbie Wichita Falls , Texas –  Move over, Malibu—Barbie’s got Texas roots now! The highly anticipated  Barbie 2  has officially started filming in Wichita Falls, and the script reveals a shocking twist: this small North Texas town is actually Barbie’s birthplace. Forget the pink convertibles and dream houses—this time, Barbie’s backstory is all about dusty roads, cowboy charm, and maybe even a pair of boots. From Plastic Perfection to Texan Roots For decades, Barbie has been the queen of glitz, glam, and impossible waistlines. But in  Barbie 2 , she’s trading Malibu beaches for Wichita Falls’ River Walk and swapping her dream house for a cozy ranch-style home. According to leaked script details, Barbie’s origin story is getting a major rewrite—one that involves Texas-sized portions, local art museums, and possibly even a cameo from Missy’s Café. Margot Robbie is back as Barbie, but this time, she’s ...

SpinTaxi Reports on the Cross-Atlantic Price War That Has Turned Brussels Into a Costco With Better Cheese EU Tariff War Declared: Everything Must Go, Including Porsche and American Dignity The European Union has formally launched a $24.52 billion tariff blitz on the United States, framing it not as an act of economic hostility, but as “a premium-priced apology letter with a receipt.” The Commission unveiled the sanctions under a large banner that read: ‘Bidenomics Clearance Event — Limited Time Only!’ The tariffs target classic American exports: bourbon , blue jeans, motorcycles, and mass-produced freedom. Brussels, citing “economic hygiene,” claims this is less a retaliation than a “seasonal purge of cultural toxins.” Germany , meanwhile, nervously asked if Porsche could be exempt “on account of it being a national love language .” As European diplomats sip sparkling sanctions over croissants, SpinTaxi investigates the absurdity , vengeance, and psychology behind the latest EU ...

Putin’s Investment Envoy Says US-Russia Dialogue Will Continue—Because Netflix Needs New Drama Moscow Accidentally Sells Cold War II as Limited Series. Season Finale May Involve a Tank and Taylor Swift. Published by Bohiney.com — Now 127% Funnier Than the Onion Opening Scene: Diplomacy by Screenplay When asked why Russia continues to engage in semi-regular conversations with the United States, Putin’s investment envoy, Vladislav Krashenko, gave a response so honest it should’ve been delivered from a confession booth in a Moscow bathhouse. “Because Netflix needs new drama. Obviously,” he shrugged, between sips of a suspiciously beige martini. “It’s either this or rebooting ‘Tiger King.’” The announcement was made at Russia’s annual Investment Theater Summit, a gala where oligarchs pitch war-adjacent reality shows, and each guest gets a uranium-frosted cupcake. According to sources, including a Georgian expat with binoculars and one very drunk Estonian diplomat, the Kremlin is deep into...

Tesla to Let Shareholders Bet on xAI — Finally, Real-Life ‘Choose-Your-Own’ Stock Options! Elon Musk Says New Investment Platform Will Let Users Gamble Their Retirement on His Gut Feelings, Moon Phases, and Anime Preferences Published by Bohiney.com — Officially Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion , Even by SpaceX Engineers Under Oath Introduction: The Gospel According to xAI In a move that’s part shareholder empowerment and part futuristic prank, Tesla has announced that its shareholders will now be given the opportunity (read: legally vague moral dilemma) to invest directly in xAI , Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence venture that aims to out-think God and out-weird Reddit. The initiative is being hailed by investors as “either revolutionary or just another way for Elon to fund his interplanetary midlife crisis.” The offering, described as “choose-your-own-adventure capitalism,” allows shareholders to allocate portions of their Tesla stock toward a tech company run by a man who o...

Gavin Newsom Weaponizes Sarcasm, Obliterates Stephen Miller with Constitution and C-Word California Governor Declares Verbal Martial Law After Trump-Era Aide Calls Sanctuary Ruling “Insurrection” SACRAMENTO, CA — In a dazzling display of constitutional shade and well-lubricated sarcasm, California Governor Gavin Newsom has eviscerated former Trump advisor Stephen Miller, describing him publicly as a “fascist c---,” shortly after Miller denounced a federal judge’s ruling against ICE raids as “an act of insurrection.” Political historians are now scrambling to locate another instance in American history when a sitting governor deployed a C-bomb in a formal statement—and even more urgently, whether it constituted a policy proposal or just a vibe. “It’s not vulgarity. It’s governance,” Newsom’s spokesperson told reporters while wearing Ray-Bans indoors and sipping a $19 oat milk cortado. “When Miller starts throwing around words like ‘insurrection’ because a judge followed the Fourteenth ...

Press Pass or Paintball Target? LAPD Gets Green Light to Light Up Reporters (Gently) When Journalism Became a Contact Sport: LAPD’s Legalized Rubber Bullet Ballet In what experts are calling “the most hands-on media relations program since the Roman Colosseum,” a federal judge has granted the LAPD permission to continue using “nonlethal” weapons on journalists—as long as they pinky swear it’s not personal. That’s right. Los Angeles, where yoga instructors outnumber fire extinguishers, is now the only U.S. city where you can get pepper sprayed for asking if the mayor has a comment. The Backstory: Press Gets the Pressing Treatment This all started in the now-legendary 2020 protests, which, if you recall, were the last time Americans were unified about anything. Amid chants, cardboard signs, and more knit balaclavas than a Brooklyn Etsy fair, reporters were clearly marked, visibly credentialed, and frequently zip-tied. One reporter from Australia, Lauren Tomasi, was struck squarely on liv...