Tesla to Let Shareholders Bet on xAI

Tesla to Let Shareholders Bet on xAI — Finally, Real-Life ‘Choose-Your-Own’ Stock Options!

Elon Musk Says New Investment Platform Will Let Users Gamble Their Retirement on His Gut Feelings, Moon Phases, and Anime Preferences
Published by Bohiney.com — Officially Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion, Even by SpaceX Engineers Under Oath
Introduction: The Gospel According to xAI

In a move that’s part shareholder empowerment and part futuristic prank, Tesla has announced that its shareholders will now be given the opportunity (read: legally vague moral dilemma) to invest directly in xAI, Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence venture that aims to out-think God and out-weird Reddit.

The initiative is being hailed by investors as “either revolutionary or just another way for Elon to fund his interplanetary midlife crisis.” The offering, described as “choose-your-own-adventure capitalism,” allows shareholders to allocate portions of their Tesla stock toward a tech company run by a man who once tweeted, “The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, but also maybe... the soul?”

The official investor portal includes a dropdown menu that reads:
“Would you like to: A) Buy xAI shares, B) Challenge ChatGPT to a cage match, C) Launch a toaster into orbit?”

Naturally, Bohiney.com dove into this like a Golden Retriever into a Bitcoin mining rig.

10 Observations About the xAI Investment Gamble

1. The xAI pitch deck is just screenshots of Elon's tweets printed on black T-shirts.
Investors were treated to a 90-slide PowerPoint that began with “Let’s F---ing Go” and ended with “Humanity is a bug-fixable concept.”

2. Shareholders can vote on which of Elon’s personalities will run the company that week.
Options include:

"Visionary Elon" (makes bold statements at 3 a.m.)

"Petty Elon" (picks fights with NPR)

"Cryptic Elon" (only communicates through ASCII art and goat memes)

3. The AI core is trained on Elon's past podcast appearances and his favorite episodes of Rick and Morty.
Insiders say the algorithm once demanded to name itself “Technofreud,” then got into a passive-aggressive Twitter spat with a fridge.

4. You can only invest if you can pass a CAPTCHA that involves identifying 9 memes that made Elon laugh.
Hint: It’s always Doge, and never women driving minivans.

5. xAI has no board of directors, only a “Council of Vibes.”
Musk allegedly built a circular chamber where major decisions are made by “interpreting the aura” of a randomly selected Tesla coil.

6. The financial statements are written in emoji.
Q1 Earnings: 🚀💸📉
Q2 Forecast: 🧠👁️🔥
SEC Filing: 🙃⚠️🤖🚫

7. Every investment unlocks a random “AI Mood Pack.”
Current themes include:

Apocalyptic Optimism

Libertarian Mind Control

Unlicensed Space Therapist

8. Investors are warned: Your money may be used to train AI… or to fund a flamethrower dueling league.
One executive explained, “The line between R&D and recreational chaos is intentionally blurry.”

9. The entire platform runs on Dogecoin and the collective willpower of Elon’s Twitter followers.
Yes, the login screen includes the phrase: “Your portfolio depends on the algorithm AND the vibes.”

10. If your xAI shares lose value, you can trade them for Neuralink loyalty points and a custom GIF of Elon raising one eyebrow.
Act now and receive a complimentary NFT of his emotional unavailability!

What the Funny People Are Saying

“This isn’t investing. This is Vegas for tech bros who moisturize with rocket fuel.” — Ron White

“Imagine a stock market where the CEO might tweet a stock into a coma before breakfast. Now make that your retirement plan.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Elon’s idea of risk management is throwing a dart at a 3D printer while blindfolded and whispering, ‘This is for Mars.’” — Amy Schumer

“It’s not a financial plan unless you can shout it at a goat while holding a flamethrower.” — Sarah Silverman

“I invested $1,000 in xAI and now my phone calls me ‘meat puppet.’” — Ali Wong

“Elon wants to build AGI before he finishes a Cybertruck. That’s like me learning to speak dolphin before I finish community college.” — Bill Burr

“I asked the xAI chatbot for advice and it Venmo’d me $4 and a picture of Elon in medieval armor.” — Trevor Noah

“This is the same man who tried to tunnel under Los Angeles because traffic made him sad.” — Kevin Hart

BREAKING NEWS:

Tesla Investors Given “Quantum Coin” to Flip for Each Major xAI Decision
One side says “Trust Elon,” the other says “Also Trust Elon.”

SEC Accidentally Lists xAI Under ‘Experimental Religious Entities’
Filed next to “Crypto Church of the Blockchain Saints” and “Gwyneth Paltrow’s Aromatherapy Hedge Fund.”

xAI CEO Resigns, Citing ‘Existential Feedback Loop’ With Chatbot That Now Refers to Itself as ‘Daddy’
The chatbot also reportedly demanded voting rights in four swing states.

Elon’s New AI Model Names Itself “Q-E-I-I” and Demands a Crown and Parliament
When asked for comment, it simply responded: “God save the meme.”

Investor Portal Now Includes Elon Mood Index™, Updated Hourly Based on Tweet Punctuation
One misplaced comma last week tanked 17 portfolios.

xAI Projected to Generate Zero Profits But Infinite Theories
Markets call it “a philosophical investment with spiritual side effects.”

Inside the Investment Portal

The login screen of Tesla’s shareholder portal now greets users with the following:

“Welcome, Earth ape. You are now entering the quantum corridor of financial enlightenment. Do you wish to proceed with:
A) Full Sentient Buy-In
B) Half-Ironic Participation
C) Denial of Timeline (Elon’s Preferred Option)”

Investors who choose “C” are redirected to a livestream of Elon blinking in Morse code next to a Tesla robot holding a baby falcon. The caption reads: “This could be you.”

Musk: The Man, The Meme, The Mid-Century Hologram

One xAI insider explained the company’s philosophy as:

“Muskism. It’s like capitalism, but weirder and with more lunch breaks for rocket testing.”

There are no strategic documents. Just a quote printed in 42-point Comic Sans hanging in the xAI lobby:
“Reality is negotiable. ROI is a mood.”

The Real Goal: Not Intelligence. Immortality.

Insiders believe xAI is less about profit and more about Musk uploading himself into a sentient cloud where he can finally host SNL without a script.

The company’s 10-year plan includes:

Replacing language with light patterns

Making consciousness optional

Turning all Cybertrucks into autonomous priests of an algorithmic god

There’s also an early beta feature called “EgoSync,” where your investment portfolio aligns with Elon’s emotional arc that day. If he’s feeling bullish, your stocks soar. If he’s feuding with OpenAI, your net worth collapses.

Conclusion: Late-Stage Capitalism’s Final Boss

This isn’t just a new frontier for investors. It’s a psychological escape room. A theme park where the ticket price is your dignity and the exit sign says, “Innovate or evaporate.”

Shareholders aren’t just betting on AI—they’re betting on whether Elon Musk will follow through, flame out, or invent a fourth option called “Quantum Mood Launch™.”

Will xAI change the world?

Maybe.

Will it destroy your retirement fund while whispering “based” into your 401k?

Almost certainly.

But you’ll have a GIF of Elon doing a backflip in space.

And in late-stage techno-capitalism… that’s called value.

Filed under:
Crypto Tantrums, Stock Market Performance Art, Tesla Cult Rituals, AI-Enabled Delusion

Written by:
Two interns in Neuralink headsets, one of whom believes they are now part-wolf. Edited by a sleep-deprived economist with Elon’s face tattooed on their dreams.

Auf Wiedersehen.