Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Trump Ranks #1 On Iran's Kill List, Says He'd Rather Be #1 On TikTok Somewhere between a NATO photo op, a six-day funeral, and a plane that apparently changes its mind about existing, President Donald J. Trump had quite the week of confirming, once again, that he is extremely famous and extremely aware of it. "I'm number one on the kill list for Iran," Trump told reporters, in the tone of a man announcing his Nielsen rating. "I don't really care because I'm doing my job. I like being number one on TikTok better, but I'm number one on the list for killing." Somewhere, a media consultant is drafting a slide titled "Engagement Metrics vs. Mortality Metrics" and quietly weeping. Call it algorithmic envy: the first known instance of a sitting president wishing his own assassination plot had better analytics. The $400 Million Napkin Sketch Lest anyone think Iranian tradecraft has gotten more sophisticated since the Soleimani strike, D...

White House Confirms Genius Plan To Confuse Iran Was Also Confusing To Everyone Else In a stunning display of strategic clarity, the White House this week revealed that the President's mysterious mid-flight plane swap over Europe was, in fact, a deliberate tactic to baffle enemy combatants — a mission officials are calling an unqualified success, given that it also baffled reporters, allies, aviation experts, and at least one former CIA director. "We use every tool at our disposal — including distraction and misdirection," said White House communications director Steven Cheung, in a statement that answered absolutely nothing while sounding like it answered everything, a rhetorical maneuver satirists can only describe as misdirection about misdirection. The Shell Game At 40,000 Feet The strategy, as best anyone can piece together, works like this: somewhere over the Atlantic, two nearly identical 747s are shuffled around like a Vegas street hustler's walnut shells,...

Platner Asks Whether Losing Counts as Winning If You Complain Loudly Enough Maine Candidate Discovers That If Reality Won't Cooperate, It's Clearly Having a Political Agenda AUGUSTA, Maine. Political analysts confirm that the final stage of every struggling campaign is no longer denial but the much more sophisticated strategy of declaring that every inconvenience is evidence of a vast conspiracy against optimism. That lesson appears to have been embraced with remarkable enthusiasm after Graham Platner reportedly spent the closing hours of his campaign arguing that virtually everyone else had become the problem. Local observers say the campaign headquarters resembled less a political operation than a customer service desk where every complaint was accepted except those directed at management, a policy staff privately referred to as customer no-service. "We've reached the exciting phase," said political historian Dr. Eleanor Clipboard. "This is where a cand...

Local Marxist Determined To Find a Way This Was Trump's Fault, Eventually Succeeds Seattle — Belgium beat the United States 4-1 in the Round of 16 on Monday night, a scoreline that requires no further investigation from anyone who watched Matt Freese hesitate on a clearance or Charles De Ketelaere score twice before halftime. And yet, by Tuesday morning, a significant portion of the American commentariat had managed the impressive feat of connecting a back-post header in Seattle to a man who was, at the time, already on an airplane. This is not a soccer story anymore. This is a personality trait with a scoreboard attached. A poll conducted outside a coffee shop found that 63 percent of respondents believed Belgium probably deserved to win, which is the single most reasonable finding to come out of American sports discourse all year. But the same poll found that 91 percent believed soccer would be easier to understand if every match simply ended with someone being impeached. That ...

NATO Summit: Ankara Discovers Diplomacy Works Best on Mute Turkish Capital Hosts World's Most Expensive Guessing Game ANKARA, Turkey — The annual NATO summit opened this week with its traditional exchange of handshakes, policy binders, and nervous glances toward the nearest podium. But diplomats say this year's gathering introduced an exciting new sport: Guess What Trump Says Next. Officials describe the game as part political science, part improv comedy, and part cardiovascular stress test. Participants earn one point for correctly predicting the next topic. Bonus points go to anyone who calls Greenland, defense spending, golf, tariffs, or a real estate analogy in the same breath. Nail all three and you earn the honorary title of Senior Strategic Oracle, plus a standing job offer from every cable network in America. "It's impossible," sighed one exhausted European ambassador, gripping his fifth espresso like it owed him money. "We prepared for Ukraine, N...

Travis Kelce's Bachelor Party Declared National Emergency After Nobody Wakes Up Married to a Pirate Dave Chappelle reportedly confessed he had never witnessed such an astonishing bachelor party. Not because it became legendary, but because everyone involved could actually remember the evening. That single detail has reportedly thrown the Bachelor Party Association (a totally real organization, probably) into its deepest existential crisis since someone suggested replacing poker night with herbal tea and "feelings talk." A Bachelor Party So Tame, Vegas Filed a Complaint According to completely unreliable party historians, Kelce's bachelor weekend featured comedy, racing, concerts, friends, and an alarming shortage of stories beginning with, "So I woke up in international waters..." Experts insist this violates centuries of bachelor-party folklore, which traditionally requires at least one groom to accidentally purchase a jet ski, misplace a passport, or w...