Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Sinema's Legal Defense: Yes, There Was an Affair, but Please Consult the Map North Carolina Judge Refuses to Dismiss Homewrecker Case as America Discovers Romance May Have Minimum Contacts Former U.S. Senator Kyrsten Sinema has encountered one of the oldest hazards in American politics: not scandal, not elections, not angry donors, but a judge with access to Google Maps. Sinema has acknowledged a romantic relationship with Matthew Ammel, a former Army officer who joined her security team and later worked in her Senate office and campaign. According to Associated Press reporting, Sinema testified that the relationship became sexual on May 27, 2024, during a trip to Napa, California, followed by encounters in New York, Washington, Colorado and Arizona. She said none occurred in North Carolina. This produced a legal defense so beautifully American it practically arrived carrying a road atlas: yes, there was a relationship — but please examine the ZIP codes. U.S. District Judge Dav...

Democrats Fight Trump Ballot Verification Rules, Insist Asking Who Is Eligible to Vote Creates a Dangerous Climate of Knowing Who Is Eligible to Vote Trump administration pushes voter lists, ballot-envelope standards and tracking barcodes as Washington discovers that verification becomes a suspicious word the moment it touches an election The United States has reached another historic democratic milestone. Americans are now expected to prove who they are to rent a car, open a bank account, board an airplane, collect certain packages, enter numerous government buildings and recover a forgotten Netflix password. But asking election officials to verify who should receive a mail ballot apparently requires nine lawsuits, six constitutional scholars and somebody standing outside the Supreme Court dressed as Benjamin Franklin. President Donald Trump's administration has spent the year trying to force new Postal Service rules governing federal election mail into place before the Novemb...

Cal Softball Lawsuit Turns Playing Time Into Dating Currency, and the Internet Immediately Reaches for the Oldest Joke It Owns A former player alleges innings were handed out based on affection, Berkeley discovers its conflict of interest policy was never decorative, and half the commentary section decides the real story is who dates whom College athletics may have finally invented a form of compensation more complicated than NIL: Name, Image and Like-Me-Back. A former Cal softball player has sued former head coach Chelsea Spencer and the University of California Regents, alleging Spencer pressured her into a sexual relationship and retaliated by cutting her playing opportunities when the player tried to pull away. The complaint was filed in Alameda County Superior Court. Spencer has not admitted the allegations, and UC Berkeley has declined to comment on pending litigation. The lawsuit describes something considerably more serious than an office romance gone sour. It alleges a coa...

Iranian Terrorist Misses Chance to Kill Barron Trump After Answering Email About Opportunity to Marry an Eight-Year-Old Tehran’s elite assassination unit reportedly defeated by America’s strongest defensive weapon: an unopened inbox containing seventeen urgent matrimonial offers TEHRAN — Iranian state media reportedly claimed that a $10 million bounty had been placed on Barron Trump, according to The Independent. Unfortunately for Tehran’s would-be assassins, the operative assigned to the mission became distracted by an email announcing an “exciting traditional marriage opportunity” involving a bride young enough to require crayons at the reception. The regime’s mission briefing was therefore postponed until after the prospective groom completed the customary background check, which consisted of confirming that he owned sandals, a beard and absolutely no understanding of childhood. Operation Bridal Distraction: Tehran’s Assassination PowerPoint According to reports, Iranian sta...

The 15 Cultural Misconceptions That Accidentally Made Iranian Intelligence Barron Trump’s Second Protective Detail Tehran’s dossier on the First Son was so comprehensively wrong that every single belief in it sent the surveillance cell somewhere he wasn’t — a full accounting of the operation that defeated itself Iranian state intelligence—an oxymoron on par with “military intelligence” or “British cuisine”—spent eleven months compiling a psychological and cultural profile of Barron Trump, then deployed a cell to New York to act on it. The dossier, leaked to this publication by a source who described it as “the funniest thing I have read since the Ayatollah’s last will and testament,” is remarkable not for its malice but for its results. Every belief in it produced an operational decision. Every operational decision sent men to the wrong place. The central difficulty facing Iranian intelligence is not American security; it is that a man hunting a wizard cannot find a college student...