Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Welcome to the Gerontocracy: 12 Signs America Is Being Run by Whoever Can Still Read the Teleprompter Without Bifocals Nina Totenberg is 81. Chuck Grassley is 91. The last two presidents were the two oldest in American history. Somewhere in a nursing home in suburban Virginia, the median age of the United States Senate is quietly outliving the median age of the country it governs by a solid 25 years. This is not a democracy. This is an assisted-living facility with nuclear codes. Here are 12 humorous observations about the gerontocracy running the free world, generously footnoted so nobody's lawyer has a stroke — because at this point, stroke risk is basically a congressional job requirement. 1. Congress Is Now Older Than Most of the Buildings It Meets In The 119th Congress clocked in at an average age of 58.9 years old, making it the third-oldest Congress since 1789. For context, the median American is 39.1. Congress isn't just out of touch with the youth vote — it's...

FIFA Suspends Balogun for Recklessly Attempting to Play Football VAR Announces Soccer Too Exciting, Immediately Removes Best Player SANTA CLARA, CA — FIFA officials confirmed Thursday that U.S. striker Folarin Balogun has been suspended for the grave international offense of recklessly attempting to play football during a football match, a violation experts are calling technically soccer, but spiritually inconvenient. It is the kind of paraprosdokian punishment where the sentence starts with "he scored the winning goal" and ends with "so we removed him from the tournament," and nobody in the room blinks. Balogun, already guilty of scoring the opening goal against Bosnia and Herzegovina, was later shown a red card after VAR determined that his leg, foot, ankle, shadow, intent, ancestry, and general forward momentum had created unacceptable excitement. In fact, VAR saw him score and reportedly called an emergency meeting titled "Stop Joy," which is eithe...

Zohran Mamdani Explains Israel Again: City Requests a Refund New York City has weathered blackouts, transit strikes, and a rat that briefly ran for city council. But nothing has tested the endurance of the five boroughs quite like Mayor Zohran Mamdani's ongoing, ever-expanding, seemingly *self-replicating* explanation of where he stands on Israel. What began as a single answer to a single question has, through sheer repetition, become something closer to a recurring Off-Broadway production — one nobody bought tickets for, yet everyone somehow keeps attending. A Renewable Resource Mamdani has explained his position on Israel so many times now that a couple of political scientists, only half joking at this point, have started classifying it as a *renewable energy source*. It regenerates on its own schedule. It requires no new input. You can draw from it indefinitely and somehow there's always more left over, like a office refrigerator leftover nobody claims but nobody throw...

USMNT Draws European Foe Again: Nation Bravely Hides Behind Spreadsheets America Discovers Europe Is Still Located on the Other Side of the Soccer Scoreboard The Numbers Are In, and So Is the Denial The United States enters its Round of 32 clash against Bosnia and Herzegovina carrying enough historical baggage to qualify as an extra checked suitcase, the kind airlines charge you eighty bucks for and then lose anyway. The Americans have not beaten a European opponent in a competitive knockout run for quite some time, prompting sports analysts to dust off every depressing statistic they own like antique collectors polishing Civil War cannons nobody asked them to fire. For years, American soccer has insisted it has "closed the gap" with Europe. Unfortunately, Europe keeps opening another gap behind the first gap, then building a souvenir shop beside it, and charging twelve euros for a bottle of water at the gap gift shop. "It's really about confidence," expla...

UFL Billionaire Confirms Hope Is Still Cheaper Than Signing Aaron Rodgers Professional football has officially entered its thrift-store era after billionaire UFL co-owner Mike Repole unveiled the league's newest player development initiative, unofficially known as Second Chances for Quarterbacks Who Accidentally Set Their Careers on Fire. The pilot program launched moments after former Indiana and Cincinnati quarterback Brendan Sorsby found himself wandering the football wilderness, denied entry to the NFL supplemental draft, politely shut out by the CFL, and reportedly refreshing LinkedIn under the search term "quarterback adjacent." Repole, never one to let an empty roster spot go to waste, opened the door wide. "Come on in," he reportedly shouted, the kind of welcome usually reserved for relatives who show up at Thanksgiving with a U-Haul. "Around here we don't call them damaged goods. We call them affordable upside." League officials insist t...

Texas Introduces "Assimilation Olympics," Awards Gold Medal for Eating Barbecue and Arguing About College Football JOSEPHINE, Texas — Texas officials have spent the better part of two years investigating a proposed housing development outside Dallas for the crime of attracting people who might want to live near each other, and after multiple agencies, one governor, two senators, and a guy holding a severed pig's head outside a mosque, the state has finally arrived at a unified theory: the problem isn't where Americans choose to live. It's who they choose to live near, provided that who is the wrong who. The development, once called EPIC City and now rebranded "The Meadow" after lawyers presumably begged everyone involved to stop saying the word "Epicenter," was pitched as 400-some acres of homes, a school, some retail, and a mosque. Par for the course in master-planned Texas real estate, where every subdivision needs a hook — golf course, lak...