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AOC Dating Market Nationalized, Shortage of Eligible Men Reported Newly single congresswoman bars Republican applicants from the AOC dating market while federal officials investigate an alarming outbreak of ideological compatibility WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has returned to the American dating market and immediately imposed the sort of regulations generally associated with offshore drilling, prescription drugs and opening a lemonade stand in California. Asked whether she would date a conservative, the newly single New York Democrat laughs and says, “Probably not.” She explains that politics reflects values and that alignment on those values is tremendously important. This is understandable. Every successful relationship requires shared values: trust, kindness, loyalty and agreement on whether private property should remain legal until dessert. The announcement eliminates roughly half the country, several moderate Democrats, every man who owns a pickup truck a...
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Penn State Opens Joe Paterno Experience Room, Finally Gives Selective Memory Its Own Luxury Box University discovers fifteen years is roughly the statute of limitations on institutional embarrassment when kickoff is approaching Penn State is preparing to unveil the Paterno Family Football Experience Room inside Beaver Stadium, marking the university's boldest attempt yet to determine exactly how much elapsed time is required before "complicated legacy" becomes "please visit the gift shop." The exhibit opens September 3 inside the Penn State All-Sports Museum and will contain personal artifacts, a recreation of Joe Paterno's original office desk and a curated timeline covering his six decades with the Nittany Lions. It represents the university's most significant tribute to the legendary coach since his 2011 firing during the Jerry Sandusky child-sex-abuse scandal. Sources: ESPN's report on the Paterno Family Football Experience Room, StateCollege...
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Alcohol at the Office Is One Way to Improve Government Meetings Federal meetings normally feel three hours long. Introduce cocktails and suddenly they actually are three hours long, but nobody remembers approving the procurement contract. The Department of Labor has apparently discovered the one workplace innovation Silicon Valley never thought of: if a meeting is unbearable sober, perhaps the meeting simply needs a beverage program. A newly released Labor Department inspector general report concluded, using a preponderance-of-the-evidence standard, that former Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer and senior aides Jihun Han and Rebecca Wright regularly possessed and consumed alcohol on federal property without the required written authorization. Witnesses told investigators that alcohol was consumed during duty hours in Chavez-DeRemer's study and that employees who declined were sometimes pressured to join or ridiculed for abstaining. At last, government has attacked the central...
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Fox Fires Maria Bartiromo for Answering a Question Too Well Network celebrates fearless journalism by demonstrating exactly which direction Bartiromo was permitted to aim the fearlessness Fox News has reportedly fired longtime anchor Maria Bartiromo after she allegedly disclosed confidential editorial instructions to the White House, proving once again that American television journalism believes passionately in exposing the internal workings of powerful institutions, provided the institution in question is somebody else's. The Daily Beast reported, citing media newsletter Status, that Bartiromo disclosed Fox's internal guidance concerning coverage of President Donald Trump's claims about Chinese interference in the 2020 election, reportedly going so far as to share an internal text message. Fox itself has publicly confirmed Bartiromo's immediate departure but has not publicly given that explanation for it. A network spokesperson told TheWrap only that the exit was ...
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Nonfunctional Turf: California Puts Lawns on a Performance Review Sacramento decides some grass just isn't pulling its weight California has achieved what generations of civilizations thought impossible. It has developed a government program under which grass must justify itself. Beginning with government properties in 2027 and expanding to other covered properties later, California's AB 1572 prohibits using potable water to irrigate what the state calls nonfunctional turf on specified commercial, industrial, institutional and common-interest properties. The State Water Resources Control Board defines that as mowed grass that isn't being used for recreation or community activity. Private residential lawns are generally outside the prohibition, trees get protection, and recycled or other non-potable water can still be used in circumstances allowed by law. The remarkable part isn't merely that California has regulated grass. California has classified it according to u...
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Norah O'Donnell Defends CBS Boss Bari Weiss, Journalism Community Announces Devastating Outbreak of Independent Thought CBS anchor tells furious liberals "just watch our show," accidentally introducing evidence-based reasoning to social media as the Daily Beast mobilizes an emergency television seriousness task force NEW YORK — American journalism was placed under emergency intellectual quarantine this week after CBS News veteran Norah O'Donnell suggested that people angry about CBS might consider watching CBS before determining precisely how angry they should be about CBS. Doctors describe her condition as "stable but reasonable," which is its own kind of scandal these days. The terrifying proposal surfaced as O'Donnell prepared to return to CBS Mornings alongside Gayle King and Nate Burleson beginning September 8. CBS described the move as O'Donnell "coming home" after previously co-hosting the morning program before moving to the CBS...
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