Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Hollywood Discovers Temporal Hollowing, Immediately Gives Its Temples Their Own Publicist GLP-1 Weight Loss Creates New Red-Carpet Crisis as Celebrities Discover Even Their Foreheads Are Expected to Maintain Volume LOS ANGELES Hollywood's Latest Medical Emergency Has Arrived Above the Cheekbones A NewsNation report has drawn attention to temporal hollowing, a reduction in volume around the temples that can become noticeable after rapid weight loss. Doctors quoted in medical coverage describe broader "Ozempic face" changes as sunken cheeks, hollow areas around the eyes and temples, loose skin and a more angular appearance. Medical specialists stress that these changes are generally associated with losing substantial weight quickly and are not exclusive to any one medication. Naturally, Hollywood responded to this useful health information by purchasing magnifying glasses. Within hours, entertainment reporters were reportedly examining red-carpet photographs at 800 ...

The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They've Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial Somewhere in a converted Brooklyn laundromat that now serves as a "mutual aid distribution node," a general assembly of forty-three people wearing identical tote bags voted 41-2 to cancel something. Nobody remembers what. The minutes were canceled before they could be written down. This is how it works now. The Democratic Socialists of America, a group whose founding document is reportedly a group chat that never sleeps, has become the single most prolific cancellation engine in American history, surpassing even daytime television networks and minor league baseball mascots. We at Bohiney.com decided someone needed to keep score. So we built the list. The whole list. Every cancellation, confirmed and rumored, historical and prophesied, organized so future historians — assuming history itself survives the next general assembly vote — can trace exactly wh...

Mia Ventura's Influencer Empire Goes Offline After Ankle Monitor Apparently Does First Los Angeles model accused of turning dating apps into luxury-home reconnaissance network discovers judges rarely smash the "like" button LOS ANGELES, California: Social media influencer Adva Lavie, also known as Mia Ventura, has been ordered held without bail after being arrested again while awaiting trial on allegations that she used online relationships to gain access to victims, their homes, and apparently the section of the closet where adults keep watches worth more than a municipal ambulance. Lavie has pleaded not guilty, and every charge remains an allegation unless proved in court — a legal principle that continues to survive despite the internet's preference for reaching a verdict before finishing the headline. The arrest marks a painful setback for the modern influencer dream, which traditionally involves building a personal brand, attracting wealthy followers, launchi...

Texas Sheriff Offers to Test Tony Romo's Jury, Guarantees Every Juror Will Fail Visiting lawman says universal police-academy standards can detect intoxication in anyone possessing knees, opinions or detectable breathing A Texas sheriff has offered to travel to Wisconsin and administer roadside sobriety tests to every potential juror in the Tony Romo case, confidently guaranteeing that not one American citizen will pass. Sheriff Buck "Probable Cause" Tolliver said the demonstration would prove that field sobriety tests are scientifically capable of detecting impairment in drunk people, sober people, nervous people, retired athletes and anyone standing on an uneven surface near a police officer. "We can fail the whole jury before lunch," Tolliver said. "Give me twelve citizens, one flashlight and a painted line, and I'll give you twelve deeply suspicious pedestrians." A Test Everybody Can Pass Is Useless, Sheriff Explains The sheriff explain...

Luigi Mangione Supporters Unveil Jury Nullification: The Revolutionary Legal Principle of Ignoring All the Evidence Radical Group Raises $1.5 Million to Explain That Murder Is Wrong Unless the Jury Likes Your Politics According to the report that inspired this examination of America's rapidly developing feelings-based legal system, supporters of Luigi Mangione are promoting public awareness of jury nullification as his criminal cases proceed. Mangione is accused of killing UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has pleaded not guilty, and remains entitled to the presumption of innocence. The December 4 Legal Committee has reportedly raised more than $1.5 million for his defence. American jurisprudence has entered its boldest phase yet: the era in which activists defend the jury's independence by giving jurors detailed instructions about the independent conclusion they must reach. Under the traditional system, prosecutors present evidence, defence lawyers challenge it, and jur...

Kamala Harris Moves to $8 Million Diversity-Free Zone, Promises Inclusion Will Commute In Equity Advocate Buys Malibu Mansion Where Representation Stops at the Security Gate By Jasmine Carter | Malibu, California MALIBU, California — Former Vice President Kamala Harris and her husband, Doug Emhoff, have purchased an $8.15 million mansion in Point Dume, according to reporting from the New York Post, instantly transforming Harris into both a resident and what appears to be the neighbourhood's entire diversity programme. The roughly 4,000-square-foot property reportedly has four bedrooms, six bathrooms, ocean views, wine refrigerators, private golfing facilities and parking for five cars, because nothing says environmental justice quite like a separate vehicle for every stage of moral awakening. A 2019 American Community Survey estimate placed the surrounding census tract at roughly 94 percent white and 0.2 percent Black. More recent citywide figures differ, because census tracts,...