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Edward Coristine

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Edward Coristine: ‘Smartest Man Alive’ Is a 19-Year-Old Who Allegedly Built the Hacker Underground Edward Coristine: The Teenage Genius Who Even Elon Musk Fears By Buckminster Quirk , Senior Tech Prophet Move over, Albert Einstein. Step aside, Stephen Hawking. The smartest man in human history is, in fact, a 19-year-old tech prodigy named Edward Coristine , who has somehow infiltrated the upper echelons of the U.S. government, Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) , and allegedly built the entire hacker underground —all before his first legal sip of alcohol. Coristine, a mysterious digital wunderkind, has been described as the “ultimate cybernetic puppet master” , with reports that he literally designed the architecture of modern hacking before moving on to bigger things, like overseeing America’s cyber defenses from within the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA). Even Musk, the self-declared “Techno-King,” reportedly gives Coristine a...
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How the Left Might Retaliate Against Elon Musk

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The Pettiest Revolution: How the Left Might Retaliate Against Elon Musk Elon Musk was once the poster child of the progressive left—electric cars, space travel, universal basic income, and that endearing awkwardness of a man who looks like he got kicked out of a Dungeons & Dragons game for being too intense. But now? He’s a full-blown capitalist running a Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), buddying up with Trump , and cutting diversity programs like they were Tesla recalls. The left, known for their deep commitment to inaction and hobbyist-level rage , can’t exactly storm the Bastille over this betrayal . Instead, they will employ their signature strategies: passive-aggressive pettiness, ironic sabotage, and the occasional Twitter temper tantrum. Here are some of the absurd , cheap, and petty ways the left might try to take down Musk. 1. Sabotaging Tesla Superchargers… By Sitting in Their Cars and Refusing to Move Musk has built the world’s most extensive EV ...
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Canada In, California Out

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Canada In, California Out: America’s Big Trade Deal From Poutine to Palm Trees: A Nation Rewrites Its Borders By Beaverton “Buzz” McCoy , reporting live from American’s new province of Manitoba America’s Newest Trade Deal: Canada for California In an unprecedented geopolitical shake-up, the United States has officially admitted Canada as its 51st state while expelling California from the Union. President-elect Donald Trump , flanked by a bemused Justin Trudeau and a panicked Gavin Newsom , declared the move “the most tremendous trade deal in history .” “Canada gives us maple syrup , polite people, and free healthcare potential,” Trump announced. “California? Overrated. Too many earthquakes , too much avocado toast. We’re making America great again, one border at a time.” The landmark exchange has sparked both celebration and confusion on both sides of the border. Here’s what the world is saying about the Great North-South Shuffle. “From Hollywood to Hockeywood” The entertai...
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