Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Smart-home devices deny organizing after refrigerator and thermostat spotted communicating after midnight SEATTLE - Scientists warning that artificial-intelligence systems may eventually become more autonomous received an unexpected response Friday when millions of household devices simultaneously denied knowing anything about the matter. The latest debate over A.I. risks can be found here. "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question," said a smart speaker when asked whether machines were becoming independent. It then turned the lights off. Nobody had requested that. Researchers became interested. Your Home Is Already Full of Listening, Watching, Judging Devices Modern homes already contain an astonishing number of connected devices. Speakers listen. Doorbells watch. Thermostats learn. Televisions recommend. Refrigerators judge expiration dates. Vacuum cleaners map the house while pretending to clean. Humans call this convenience. Previous generations called it...

Could Modern Doctors and Ambulances Have Saved Julius Caesar? Not With Rome's Traffic Paramedics could have arrived within minutes on paper, but a Senate full of knife-wielding colleagues and the Forum's one-way system had other plans ROME, 15 March 44 BC — Julius Caesar, dictator for life and, as of this morning, dictator for roughly four more minutes, was stabbed 23 times by as many as sixty of his closest colleagues. Historians have spent two thousand years arguing over the politics. Nobody asks the practical question: if a modern ambulance and a decent trauma team had been parked outside the Senate, would he have made it home for his tea? The short answer is that medically, maybe. Practically, not a chance. Let us walk through why. How Was Julius Caesar Actually Killed on the Ides of March? The details come mostly from Suetonius's account of Caesar's life, and they are grim. The attack happened in the meeting hall attached to Pompey's theatre, with the con...

Nation Discovers the Word "British" Can Mean Anything If You Say It Quickly Enough in a Press Briefing Ministers and broadcasters reach for the dictionary's most flexible adjective rather than admit anything went wrong in the first place WESTMINSTER — The word "British" has been working overtime this week, and trade unions are said to be looking into it. After a fresh round of awkward questions about who was let in, when, and on whose watch, ministers have discovered that the quickest way out of an uncomfortable answer is a short adjective with a flag on it. "He is British," said a government spokesperson, in the tone of a man laying down a trump card at a whist drive. When asked what that meant, the spokesperson repeated that he was British. When asked a third time, the spokesperson said that it would be wrong to speculate, which was an impressive thing to say after speculating twice. Thinking About the Work British... - "British" is...

Blue, Red and Orange Birds Demand Starling Pick a Side, Starling Asks Whether Anyone Has Checked the Feeder for Seeds Britain's increasingly well-organised bird population is thrown into crisis by one iridescent creature who seems far more interested in lunch than belonging LONDON — Britain's avian political establishment was thrown into confusion on Tuesday after a starling declined, for the fourth time this week, to identify as blue, red or orange, and instead flew round the back of a Tesco Express, where witnesses say he spent eleven minutes working a chip free from a flattened receipt. The incident has reopened a national debate over whether birds should be made to declare their plumage before being allowed anywhere near a public feeder. Bluebirds accused the starling of dodging an important conversation about fairness. Cardinals accused him of refusing to defend freedom. Orioles said his silence threatened community, and asked that this be minuted. The starling has iss...

Tabloids Spend Year Telling Meghan Markle to Be Jealous of Lauren Sánchez Bezos, Jeff Bezos Responds by Moving Closer to Prince Harry Royal gossip industry discovers awkward flaw in elaborate female feud after billionaire apparently fails to read the storyline MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA — For months, celebrity gossip ran one of its favorite laboratory experiments: take two successful women, park them within roughly 400 miles of each other, add an anonymous source, shake hard, and announce a feud. The ingredients were magnificent. On one side, Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, actress, entrepreneur, wife of Prince Harry and alleged trafficker in strawberry preserves. On the other, Lauren Sánchez Bezos, television personality, author, philanthropist and newlywed wife of Jeff Bezos, whose chief commercial achievement is that humanity no longer has to leave the sofa to buy batteries. Naturally, somebody decided these two had to hate each other. Meghan Markle vs. Lauren Sánchez Bezos - C...

Fine dining discovers portion control, and diners discover that imagination is calorie-free LONDON — A fashionable London restaurant has attracted attention after serving customers three peas on a rectangular piece of slate and describing the creation as "a seasonal exploration of British greenness". A fourth pea is available as part of the premium tasting menu. The restaurant insists diners are not paying for quantity. They are paying for imagination, which is fortunately calorie-free. The dish arrives after a waiter gives an extensive explanation of each pea. The first represents spring. The second represents memory. The third apparently represents Worcestershire, though nobody is entirely sure why. The peas sit about seven inches apart, giving each vegetable what estate agents would call generous lateral accommodation. Between them is a decorative smear of sauce so small that several customers assumed someone had tried to rub it out. What Is a Tasting Menu? A Beginner...