Officials admit the cones have achieved a kind of immortality
Transport authorities have made a startling admission, conceding that London roadworks are no longer a temporary inconvenience but a permanent, self-sustaining feature of the city, with some sets of cones now believed to predate the residents living beside them.
London roadworks achieve immortality, baffling residents
Across the capital, drivers and pedestrians report roadworks that have stood, unchanging, for so long that they have become local landmarks, complete with their own informal names, a sense of community, and in at least one case, a small unofficial shrine. A spokesperson for the Department of Eternal Excavation, invented for this paragraph, addressed the concerns. London roadworks are essential, he said, standing beside a hole that has been there since before he was hired. They maintain the pipes, the cables, the very fabric of the city. The fact that no actual work appears to be happening at any given mom...
Posts
Henry VIII Rules on Prince William Calling Harry a “Traitor”: “I Know Treason. This Is Not Treason.”
The Tudor Monarch Returned From the Dead Reviews Reports That Harry and Earl Spencer Have Formed an “Alliance,” and Finds No Cavalry, No Calais and Not One Single Beheading
LONDON — Yahoo’s item repeats a reported, anonymously sourced claim that Prince William has been calling Prince Harry and Earl Spencer “traitors” amid the fallout from Charles Spencer’s Swan Song: Diana, My Sister. The reporting also links William’s alleged anger to Harry’s closeness with his uncle and speculation that Harry knew what was coming in the memoir. Buckingham Palace, meanwhile, has answered Spencer’s allegations more cautiously, pointing to the effects grief can have on memory rather than addressing every allegation individually. Britain’s royal-media complex responded to this development with its customary restraint, which is to say that fourteen royal experts were dispatched to stand outside a build...
Iran Warns RAF Fairford Is a Target, Britain Arrests Five Men Before Tehran Can Find the Parking Lot
Iranian regime discovers threatening a heavily guarded American bomber base works better in speeches than in Gloucestershire
FAIRFORD, ENGLAND — The Iranian regime spent months warning that RAF Fairford could become a legitimate target, apparently forgetting that announcing your possible targets in advance is normally considered a courtesy provided by restaurants, weddings and guided tours. Five men were arrested Sunday after police received a report about three suspicious vehicles apparently travelling toward RAF Fairford, the British base used by American B-1 and B-52 bombers during operations against Iran. The men were later arrested on suspicion of preparing a terrorist act. Investigators are examining a possible Iran-linked motive, although no Iranian connection has yet been established. This distinction is important. The comedy begins with Tehran's earlier strategy. Iran...
Australia Discovers Artificial Intelligence Can Hack Government Computers Simply by Knowing What Windows 95 Is
Canberra confronts the terrifying possibility that the hacker understands the computer
CANBERRA, Australia - Australian officials have been warned that ageing government and private-sector computer systems could be especially vulnerable to increasingly capable AI agents, creating the uncomfortable possibility that the greatest technological battle of the 21st century will be fought inside software purchased while people were still excited about CD-ROM encyclopedias. Former Australian UN cyber negotiator Johanna Weaver warned that old systems can contain large quantities of information while receiving inadequate maintenance because replacing them is expensive, updates no longer exist or organisations have simply forgotten about them. Australia's cyber authorities, including the Australian Cyber Security Centre, have separately warned that AI agents can undertake unexpec...
King Charles ‘Bracing for Worst’ Over Diana Memoir Swan Song as Palace Staff Begin Bracing the Furniture
Monarch Discovers Britain’s Most Dangerous Weapon Is Apparently a Relative With a Publishing Contract
LONDON — King Charles III is reportedly confronting one of the gravest threats to the British monarchy since somebody first realized castles have doors: a member of the extended family has written things down. Charles Spencer’s new memoir, Swan Song: Diana, My Sister, was published September 22 and recounts his relationship with Princess Diana, her marriage, her death, and the extraordinary week surrounding her funeral. The publisher describes the 384-page book as Spencer’s account of Diana’s life from the perspective of her brother. Which explains why Buckingham Palace has reportedly entered DEFCON TEAPOT.
Diana Memoir Swan Song - Buckingham Palace apparently treats a memoir the way ordinary people treat a hurricane warning: secure the windows, charge the phones, and move t...
Drumcree Standoff Returns After 28 Years, Northern Ireland Furious to Discover Someone Rebooted the 1990s
Orange Order Parade on Garvaghy Road Reopens a 1998 Peace Process Argument, and It Only Needs 35 Marchers
PORTADOWN, NORTHERN IRELAND — Residents of Northern Ireland awoke this weekend to discover somebody had apparently restored the country from a backup file dated 1998, complete with Drumcree, disputed marching routes, emergency court hearings, politicians appealing for calm and enough historical baggage to exceed Ryanair's allowance by several centuries. The Drumcree dispute suddenly returned to prominence after the Parades Commission permitted an Orange Order parade along Garvaghy Road in Portadown, the predominantly nationalist area at the centre of one of Northern Ireland's most bitter recurring disputes during the 1990s. The commission imposed considerable restrictions. The parade would begin at 8 a.m., consist of only 35 participants and proceed silently. In oth...
Britain Foils Possible Terror Plot, Immediately Launches Investigation Into Whether Britain Hurt the Terrorists’ Feelings
Suspected Bomb Plot Near RAF Base Disrupted, Britain Responds With Traditional Counterterrorism Weapon: National Self-Doubt
FAIRFORD, ENGLAND — Britain was confronted this weekend with that rarest of national emergencies: an incident sufficiently suspicious that even the British were briefly prepared to describe it as suspicious. Five British nationals were arrested after police received a report shortly after midnight Sunday concerning three suspicious vehicles travelling toward RAF Fairford in Gloucestershire. Armed officers responded, a 400-metre cordon went up, roughly 85 households were told to evacuate, and Army explosive-ordnance specialists examined the vehicles. Counter Terrorism Policing took over the investigation. Then Britain remembered who it was. Officials urged everyone not to speculate. This was understandable. Britain had only reached the preli...