Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Progressives Promise Woke 2.0 Has Learned From Every Mistake of Woke 1.0, Beginning With the Mistake of Saying the Quiet Parts Out Loud New progressive upgrade reportedly keeps the operating system while deleting several politically inconvenient desktop icons WASHINGTON, D.C. The American progressive movement is preparing to roll out Woke 2.0, a sweeping ideological software update designed to correct the principal defect discovered in Woke 1.0: ordinary voters occasionally understood what activists were saying. The Great Progressive Rebranding Campaign The rebranding arrives amid a real debate on the political left over the rhetoric and tactics associated with the 2020-era progressive movement. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently repeated the phrase "Woke 1 was crazy" while discussing earlier rhetoric around policing, and even sympathetic outlets have examined whether progressives are abandoning unpopular language without necessarily abandoning the underlying go...

Trump Considers Steven Cheung for Press Secretary, White House Seeks Spokesman Fluent in English, MAGA and "The President Was Being Sarcastic" Steven Cheung emerges as possible Leavitt replacement, promising reporters the same answers with 40% more elbows WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House is considering communications director Steven Cheung as a possible successor to departing press secretary Karoline Leavitt, according to reporting from the New York Post, raising the exhilarating possibility that the daily briefing may soon combine presidential communications, professional wrestling and the customer-service desk at an airport after all flights have been cancelled. Leavitt, 28, is stepping down at the end of August to spend more time with her young family after recently returning from maternity leave. President Donald Trump praised her as one of history's greatest press secretaries and said she will remain an outside adviser, allowing her to enjoy the traditional Was...

License Plate Readers Can Now Track Your Phone, Fourth Amendment Quietly Switches to Airplane Mode Police Camera Says It Doesn't Identify People, Merely Knows Their Car, Phone, Friends, Home and Daily Routine Oxon Hill, Maryland According to a report on the new SignalTrace surveillance system, roadside technology can associate license plates with electronic signals broadcast by nearby phones, smartwatches and other devices. Its manufacturer says the system does not identify people; it merely collects recurring electronic signatures and connects them to vehicles, locations and one another—which is reassuring in the same way a burglar saying he never learned your name is reassuring. The Camera That Knows Everything Except Your Name OXON HILL, MARYLAND—America's roadside surveillance network has reportedly learned how to detect the electronic signals accompanying vehicles, allowing investigators to associate cars with phones, watches and other wireless devices while main...

Subaru Confirms It Didn't Choose the Lesbian Market, the Lesbian Market Chose It Meanwhile, local woman buys a Forester for the cargo space and immediately fills it with emotional baggage from college CHERRY HILL, New Jersey — Subaru of America issued a rare corporate clarification this week, insisting that the automaker never set out to become the official vehicle of American lesbians, but that the lesbian community arrived, unannounced, sometime in 1994, and simply never left. "We didn't choose this demographic," said Subaru brand historian Carl Fenwick, adjusting a tie clip shaped like a roof rack. "We built a reliable all-wheel-drive wagon for people who haul kayaks. The market decided the kayaks were symbolic." Fenwick was referring to Subaru's famously coded 1990s ad campaign, which included a license plate reading "XENA LVR" placed just visibly enough for one specific audience to notice and everyone else to assume was a typo. The cam...

Are All Marxists Mentally Ill? Researchers Confirm Some Are Merely Tenured New study finds revolutionary politics is not a psychiatric disorder, although reading 900 pages of Das Kapital without being assigned remains diagnostically intriguing MADISON, Wisconsin — Following renewed discussion about Wisconsin politician Francesca Hong's previously disclosed history of bipolar disorder, hospitalization and self-harm, America has returned to its favorite medical tradition: diagnosing millions of strangers according to which yard signs they own. Political researchers announced Thursday that Marxism is not officially classified as a mental illness, despite exhibiting several recognizable symptoms, including compulsive manifesto production, intolerance of price signals and the persistent belief that the next nationalization will work because the correct people will finally supervise it. "There is no clinical evidence that every Marxist is mentally ill," explained Dr. Margar...

Accused Charlie Kirk Killer Says He Should Avoid Death Penalty Because Bullet Hit Only Intended Target, Requests Five-Star Marksmanship Discount Tyler Robinson's Lawyers Argue Crowd Was Never in Danger Because Alleged Assassin Was Apparently Too Accurate to Be Aggravating OREM, Utah — Attorneys for Tyler Robinson, the man accused of fatally shooting conservative activist Charlie Kirk, are arguing that Robinson should avoid the death penalty because the bullet allegedly passed above the surrounding crowd and struck only its intended target, according to court filings reported by the New York Post. The defense has therefore introduced American jurisprudence to an exciting new concept: the Five-Star Marksmanship Discount. Under the proposed arrangement, a defendant accused of firing a rifle at a human being during a crowded public event could receive sentencing points for accuracy, ammunition conservation and not accidentally killing anyone standing slightly to the left. "It ...