Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Tony Romo Signs $180 Million CBS Deal, Executives Discover Resentment Is Also Fully Guaranteed CBS Pays Tony Romo $180 Million to Predict Football Plays, Fails to Predict How Much It Would Hate Paying Tony Romo $180 Million NEW YORK — CBS executives have reportedly discovered the hidden danger of free-market capitalism after former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo used competition, scarcity and negotiating leverage to obtain a contract so large that network accountants now regard it less as an employment agreement than a weather system. Romo joined CBS in 2017 and quickly became a broadcasting attraction, particularly because of his habit of predicting plays before they happened. When his original contract approached expiration in 2020, ESPN's interest increased his bargaining power and CBS ultimately retained him with a deal widely reported at 10 years and $180 million. Colin Cowherd has since suggested that Romo's successful negotiations created lasting resentment amo...

Zendaya Marries Minuscule Tom Holland, Wedding Guests Asked Not to Accidentally Put Groom in Coat Check Hollywood's most vertically diversified marriage debuts matching wedding bands as scientists confirm Spider-Man remains visible to the naked eye LONDON — Zendaya and Tom Holland have been photographed wearing matching gold wedding bands following their Surrey wedding celebration, confirming that Hollywood's most discussed two-inch altitude differential has survived matrimony, tailoring and what experts are calling "the most aggressive deployment of women's footwear since platform shoes destabilized the 1970s." Recent reports place Zendaya around 5-foot-10 and Holland around 5-foot-8, a difference the couple themselves have previously laughed about, as detailed in People's coverage of the couple's wedding. The newlyweds were spotted in London wearing their rings and walking their dogs, with Zendaya moving elegantly along the pavement while Holland rem...

Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing from somebody before deciding what they meant WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump's White House has restarted its effort to remove Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, but this time Cook will receive something that apparently required a Supreme Court ruling to discover: an opportunity to speak before everybody decides whether she gets tossed out of the building. The White House sent Cook a letter informing her that Trump is considering removing her over disputed mortgage allegations and giving her 21 days, until August 26, to respond with evidence or argument. Cook denies wrongdoing. Her attorney, Abbe Lowell, maintains that the allegations remain baseless and says another challenge will follow if the administration proceeds. Washington therefore enters the rarely obser...

Zendaya Marries Tom Holland at 400-Acre Estate After Wedding Planner Determines Regular Hotel Might Make Groom Too Easy to Find Secret Surrey celebration requires five-star manor, private cinema, golf course and enough countryside to ensure Spider-Man can attend without being spotted behind the floral arrangements SURREY, ENGLAND — Zendaya and Tom Holland reportedly celebrated their marriage at Beaverbrook, the spectacular five-star Surrey country estate where privacy is measured not in curtains but in acres, cottages, golf holes and the estimated driving time required to locate another member of your immediate family. According to InStyle, the couple hosted family and friends at Beaverbrook on August 4 after marrying privately earlier in the year. The historic estate includes an 18-bedroom manor, separate accommodation, a private cinema, spa, golf course, library and artwork by Picasso, Basquiat and Gerhard Richter. Holland's brothers reportedly stayed in cottage suites several ...

Maryland Spends $85 Million Buying Preakness, Discovers Everyone Else Has Started a New Horse-Racing League State secures historic race, celebrates control of its destiny, then discovers Kentucky and New York have apparently scheduled destiny somewhere else BALTIMORE, Maryland — Maryland recently completed an $85 million acquisition of the intellectual-property rights to the Preakness Stakes and Black-Eyed Susan Stakes, securing state control of one of horse racing's great historic brands. Days later, Churchill Downs Incorporated and the New York Racing Association announced a new six-race Thoroughbred Championship Series containing the Kentucky Derby, Belmont Stakes and four additional races, but conspicuously not the Preakness. It was the financial equivalent of purchasing an expensive table at a restaurant and discovering everybody else has gone bowling. Maryland officials insist the Preakness remains a central pillar of American racing, which is true in roughly the same sen...

Ted Cruz Attempts to Give College Sports National Rules, Discovers Senate Has Entered Overtime Republicans Demand Assurance NCAA Will Not Accidentally Receive a Backbone Transplant WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ted Cruz is attempting to establish national rules governing how colleges pay student-athletes and regulate name, image and likeness deals, only to discover that the United States Senate contains something even harder to manage than a locker room full of five-star recruits: Republican senators who still have questions. The proposal would create nationwide standards for college athletics, presumably because the existing system has evolved into something resembling a yard sale conducted simultaneously by fifty states, several universities, athletic conferences, agents, boosters, lawyers and one freshman quarterback whose mother has hired an accountant. Cruz has reportedly been working to convince fellow Republicans, but several remain unconvinced. This is known in Washington as ...