Kamala Harris Moves to $8 Million Diversity-Free Zone, Promises Inclusion Will Commute In
Equity Advocate Buys Malibu Mansion Where Representation Stops at the Security Gate
By Jasmine Carter | Malibu, California MALIBU, California — Former Vice President Kamala Harris and her husband, Doug Emhoff, have purchased an $8.15 million mansion in Point Dume, according to reporting from the New York Post, instantly transforming Harris into both a resident and what appears to be the neighbourhood's entire diversity programme. The roughly 4,000-square-foot property reportedly has four bedrooms, six bathrooms, ocean views, wine refrigerators, private golfing facilities and parking for five cars, because nothing says environmental justice quite like a separate vehicle for every stage of moral awakening. A 2019 American Community Survey estimate placed the surrounding census tract at roughly 94 percent white and 0.2 percent Black. More recent citywide figures differ, because census tracts,...
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Supreme Court Orders Government to Find Suspect Before Searching Everybody
Reverse warrants reclassified from "innovative policing" to "constitutional fishing with a digital trawler"
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government suffered an unexpected technological setback this week after the Supreme Court suggested that police should possess evidence against a person before searching that person, according to the privacy controversy described in The Hill's opinion on reverse warrants and American liberties. The decision has rattled law-enforcement agencies that had grown accustomed to a more efficient investigative model known internally as "search everybody first and develop suspicions during lunch." At issue are reverse warrants, a modern surveillance technique through which government investigators ask technology companies to identify unknown people based on location records or internet searches. It is, in effect, detective work performed backward,...
DSA Wants Government to Own Large Corporations After Seeing How Beautifully It Runs the DMV
Amazon Delivery Window Expanded to the Next Appropriations Cycle
The Democratic Socialists of America support bringing major corporations into public ownership, according to national co-chair Megan Romer's televised true-or-false answers and the organization's broader economic vision of democratic control over production. This proposal arrives from activists who have apparently visited a Department of Motor Vehicles office, watched 38 people wait beneath fluorescent lighting while Window 7 remained mysteriously closed, and thought, "This needs to run aviation."
A Fair Criticism Meets an Unfair Solution
The plan begins with a fair criticism: giant corporations can become distant, unaccountable, monopolistic and hostile to customers, a concern regulators at the Federal Trade Commission take seriously in antitrust cases. The socialist solution is to transfer them to the on...
DSA Leader Aces True-or-False Quiz by Answering "Abolish It" to Every Question
Television Discovers the Socialist Version of a Cheat Code
DSA national co-chair Megan Romer turned a television true-or-false segment into the most efficient demolition permit in American history, reportedly affirming support for abolishing prisons, borders, ICE and the Senate, defunding the Pentagon, granting amnesty and transferring major corporations into public ownership. The answers aligned with portions of the organization's published program, including its demand to abolish the Senate and its formal "Abolish ICE" commitment referenced on the DSA's own site. Never has a quiz contestant removed so much national infrastructure without winning a blender.
Ordinary Test-Taking vs. Revolutionary Test-Taking
Ordinary students read the question, consider the evidence and select true or false. Revolutionary students circle "abolish," accuse the answer sheet of repr...
DSA Unveils Simple Plan to Save America by Abolishing Every Part of America
Nation to Be Replaced With Newsletter, Logo, and Strongly Worded Social Media Account
The Democratic Socialists of America have unveiled a refreshingly uncomplicated plan for repairing the United States: remove the United States. DSA national co-chair Megan Romer reportedly affirmed support for abolishing prisons, borders, ICE and the Senate, defunding the Pentagon, granting broad amnesty and placing large corporations under public ownership during a televised true-or-false segment. The group's official program also calls for abolishing the Senate, while its abolition working group advocates eliminating the "carceral forces" of the state. This is political reform in the same sense that pushing a Buick into a quarry is an oil change. Most popular components of the platform: free services, handmade banners and meetings in which the phrase "lived experience" is used often enough to qual...
Black Friday Begins Wednesday Now, Proving Americans Will Shop During Any Holiday If the Discount Sign Is Large Enough
Nation's Premier Shopping Event Expands Until It Swallows Thanksgiving, November, and Increasingly Large Portions of October in Its Perpetual Quest to Begin Sooner Than Last Year - Black Friday now starts before Thanksgiving in a holiday timeline that has lost all structural integrity.
- Americans will queue for hours to save $80 on a television they didn't know they wanted until Tuesday.
- Retail "doorbuster" deals have created a doorbusting problem at actual doors with actual humans.
- Somewhere in Cincinnati, a family is eating Thanksgiving dinner early so they can reach Target by 6 p.m.
- Cyber Monday exists because Black Friday needed a sequel and Monday needed a reason. Black Friday Expands Until It Becomes Black November With Some October Included
CINCINNATI — Retail historians confirmed this week that Black Friday — the p...
DSA Abolishes Pentagon, ICE and Electoral College, Retains Department of Cardboard Protest Signs
Essential Revolutionary Infrastructure Protected From Budget Cuts
The Democratic Socialists of America support abolishing or dismantling a remarkable collection of American institutions, including ICE and the Senate, while advocating prison abolition, steep Pentagon cuts and a restructured political system. The group's official materials explicitly include "Abolish ICE" and abolishing the Senate, while its abolition working group targets prisons and police. Yet one institution remains fully funded, heavily staffed and apparently beyond reform: the Department of Cardboard Protest Signs.
Five People, One Functional Marker, Total Readiness
The department, staffed by five people and one functional marker, is responsible for transforming complicated public policy into six angry words visible from across a street. Its annual output includes "NO HUMAN IS ILLEGAL," ...