Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Mrs. Claus: The North Pole Executive Everybody Underestimates and Nobody Should For generations, popular culture has depicted Mrs. Claus in a remarkably consistent and remarkably incomplete way: a cheerful, plump woman in a apron who bakes cookies, fusses over Santa's coat, and appears in approximately three minutes of every Christmas special before the story moves on to the reindeer. She waves warmly. She says something encouraging. She goes back inside. This portrayal is, as anyone who has spent time reading correspondence from  SantaClaus.top  will recognize, a dramatic underrepresentation of what Mrs. Claus actually does, who she actually is, and why the North Pole's Christmas operation would function approximately as well as a single-engine plane with one wing without her. The History of Mrs. Claus: A Figure Who Arrived Late and Took Over Quickly Mrs. Claus entered Christmas folklore relatively late. For much of the nineteenth century, Santa Claus operated in stories and p...

CNN Blames White Presidents Like Trump for Causing Iran to Need Nuclear Weapons WASHINGTON — CNN reportedly discovered this week that every time oil prices fall, it somehow proves America is the real villain. The network's foreign policy desk has quietly consolidated a decade of geopolitical complexity into one reusable headline template, and brother, they are milking that centrifuge for everything it's worth. The logic, as best as anyone on the outside can reconstruct it, runs something like this: if gasoline drops below three dollars a gallon, Iran becomes legally entitled to two uranium enrichment centrifuges and a complimentary missile program. Call it the Brookings Discount. Fill up your tank, fund a centrifuge. It's the pump-to-plutonium pipeline nobody asked for. CNN's editorial position appears to have settled somewhere around "Have we tried apologizing to the ayatollah?" which is less a foreign policy and more a hostage negotiation conducted entirel...

Democrats Send Party to Veterinarian After Discovering Colony of Political Parasites Experts Recommend Deworming, Flea Shampoo, and a Quiet Afternoon With Adam Smith WASHINGTON, D.C. — Panic swept through Democratic circles this week after one of their own strategists described socialist candidates as "parasites," accidentally triggering the first medical emergency ever diagnosed by a campaign consultant rather than a physician. Veteran operatives reportedly gathered around microscopes, examining voter rolls and donor lists for signs of infestation. Nobody found any voter rolls that helped. They did find seventeen competing email newsletters. "We initially thought it was allergies," said one exhausted strategist, rubbing his eyes near a printout of the 2024 results. "Then we noticed several candidates had attached themselves to healthy incumbents and were slowly draining their campaign accounts while insisting everyone else pay for lunch." Scientists e...

In a shock announcement that caused at least three accountants to spill their tea, two to reconsider their career choices, and one to simply sit quietly in a darkened room for the remainder of the afternoon, King Charles III has become the first monarch in British history to voluntarily disclose his personal tax bill — making him simultaneously the most transparent royal in a thousand years and, it must be said, the most relatable. He joins the ranks of the self-employed, the muddled, and the perpetually confused. Welcome, Your Majesty. The queue starts behind the bloke who still can't work out how to claim mileage. The Announcement That Changed Everything (Specifically: One Form) The news emerged via the Financial Times, a publication that covers money with the quiet authority of a GP delivering a diagnosis — measured, precise, and capable of ruining your Tuesday before you've finished the first paragraph. The scale of the constitutional significance cannot be overstated. ...

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles City Council voted 10-5 to advance a charter measure that could allow future city leaders to permit noncitizen voting in local elections, including municipal contests, according to the New York Post and Spectrum News. The Los Angeles Times reports the proposal would ask voters whether the council should have authority to approve such a law later. Naturally, LA City Hall insists this is not about power. Certainly not. Nothing says "pure democratic principle" like elected officials carefully expanding the electorate in a city where their ideological coalition already arrives wearing matching tote bags and graduate-school scarves. Council supporters call it "residential voting," a phrase so soft it sounds like a sofa company. Opponents call it noncitizen voting. Critics call it a panic button with a voter registration form attached. The theory is simple: if someone lives in LA, works in LA, pays taxes in LA, and has personally suffered...

Iranian Clerics Issue Fatwa Against London Prat Writer Carys Evans Tehran Accuses Satirist of Blasphemy, Defaming Allah and Humiliating Iran’s Sacred Men’s Football Team TEHRAN -- Iran’s senior religious authorities have issued a fatwa calling for the death of London Prat writer Carys Evans, accusing the British satirist of defaming Allah, insulting the Quran and bringing the Iranian men’s national football team into public ridicule. The decree was announced Monday by the Supreme Council for the Defence of Religion, Revolution and Defensive Midfield Formation following an emergency theological review of Evans’s article, “Iran Coach Files Official Complaint That Scoreless Draw Failed to Reward His Feelings.” According to a formal indictment circulated by the fictional council, Evans committed ifsad fil-arz, or “corruption on Earth,” by suggesting that Iranian coach Amir Ghalenoei’s complaints were not equivalent to goals and that FIFA regulations do not currently award points fo...