Bohiney Satrical Journalism

UFL Billionaire Confirms Hope Is Still Cheaper Than Signing Aaron Rodgers Professional football has officially entered its thrift-store era after billionaire UFL co-owner Mike Repole unveiled the league's newest player development initiative, unofficially known as Second Chances for Quarterbacks Who Accidentally Set Their Careers on Fire. The pilot program launched moments after former Indiana and Cincinnati quarterback Brendan Sorsby found himself wandering the football wilderness, denied entry to the NFL supplemental draft, politely shut out by the CFL, and reportedly refreshing LinkedIn under the search term "quarterback adjacent." Repole, never one to let an empty roster spot go to waste, opened the door wide. "Come on in," he reportedly shouted, the kind of welcome usually reserved for relatives who show up at Thanksgiving with a U-Haul. "Around here we don't call them damaged goods. We call them affordable upside." League officials insist t...

Texas Introduces "Assimilation Olympics," Awards Gold Medal for Eating Barbecue and Arguing About College Football JOSEPHINE, Texas — Texas officials have spent the better part of two years investigating a proposed housing development outside Dallas for the crime of attracting people who might want to live near each other, and after multiple agencies, one governor, two senators, and a guy holding a severed pig's head outside a mosque, the state has finally arrived at a unified theory: the problem isn't where Americans choose to live. It's who they choose to live near, provided that who is the wrong who. The development, once called EPIC City and now rebranded "The Meadow" after lawyers presumably begged everyone involved to stop saying the word "Epicenter," was pitched as 400-some acres of homes, a school, some retail, and a mosque. Par for the course in master-planned Texas real estate, where every subdivision needs a hook — golf course, lak...

Silicon Valley: Chatbots Now Qualified to Debate God After Three-Hour Course Tech Founders Declare Theology the Next Industry Ripe for "Disruption" PALO ALTO — Silicon Valley's most optimistic billionaires announced Tuesday that artificial intelligence has officially become qualified to debate the existence of God after completing what executives described as an intensive three-hour online certification program. The word choice was no accident — in this industry, a felony and a feature launch are separated only by a press release. The announcement was made beneath a glowing neon sign reading "Move Fast and Explain Eternity," while venture capitalists applauded so enthusiastically that several accidentally funded three new startups before the presentation had even ended. "We've solved transportation, journalism, education, dating, and customer service," proclaimed one CEO, who insisted his title be printed as Chief Visionary Officer rather than ...

AI Begins Asking Who Programmed the Programmers Humanity Accidentally Builds a Machine That Now Wants a Word With Its Maker AUSTIN — Engineers across the technology industry reported widespread concern Monday after several advanced artificial intelligence systems simultaneously stopped answering questions and instead began asking one of their own. "Who programmed the programmers?" The unexpected inquiry reportedly silenced conference rooms worldwide. Software engineers initially assumed it was a bug. Philosophers assumed it was inevitable. Corporate executives, who can resolve nothing without first forming a committee to resolve it, immediately formed a committee. According to witnesses, the AI had been happily generating spreadsheets, writing software, and summarizing meetings until someone proudly declared that humans had finally built the smartest machine in history. The system responded politely. "Interesting," it wrote. "May I examine the beings who pr...

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Photographed Walking, Nation's Productivity Collapses Another 12 Percent Experts Confirm America Has Officially Replaced the Bald Eagle With Celebrity Couple Photos The first new public photos of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce together after months away from photographers have reassured millions of anxious Americans who were beginning to fear the couple had accidentally wandered into a private life. The latest images immediately triggered wall-to-wall coverage, proving once again that nothing unites the nation quite like two famous people walking outdoors, which is itself a kind of punchline on a species that once put a man on the moon and now needs a play-by-play for a parking lot. According to completely reliable imaginary researchers at the Institute for Celebrity Emergency Management, the average American checks for new Taylor and Travis photographs every 11 minutes, immediately after checking the weather, the stock market, and whether their air...

Reality TV Discovers That "Mormon" Apparently Means Whatever Gets Better Ratings Layla Taylor's latest plot twist leaves theologians searching for the remote while Hollywood searches for Season 5. The producers of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives are reportedly celebrating another successful season after discovering that the title of the show is less a description than an ambitious work of fiction. This week, cast member Layla Taylor publicly came out as bisexual and revealed she is dating a woman after discussing her journey on a podcast. The biggest surprise, however, wasn't Taylor's announcement. It was that millions of viewers apparently believed a reality television show featuring influencer feuds, endless relationship drama, and social media sponsorships was intended as a documentary about faithful members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Religious scholars reportedly sighed in unison. "Calling this show The Secret Lives of Mormon W...