Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Accused Charlie Kirk Killer Says He Should Avoid Death Penalty Because Bullet Hit Only Intended Target, Requests Five-Star Marksmanship Discount Tyler Robinson's Lawyers Argue Crowd Was Never in Danger Because Alleged Assassin Was Apparently Too Accurate to Be Aggravating OREM, Utah — Attorneys for Tyler Robinson, the man accused of fatally shooting conservative activist Charlie Kirk, are arguing that Robinson should avoid the death penalty because the bullet allegedly passed above the surrounding crowd and struck only its intended target, according to court filings reported by the New York Post. The defense has therefore introduced American jurisprudence to an exciting new concept: the Five-Star Marksmanship Discount. Under the proposed arrangement, a defendant accused of firing a rifle at a human being during a crowded public event could receive sentencing points for accuracy, ammunition conservation and not accidentally killing anyone standing slightly to the left. "It ...

  Memorial High Football Team Adopts "Competitive Napping" as Official Conditioning Method WICHITA FALLS — Memorial High School's varsity football program has quietly replaced its traditional off-season conditioning drills with a new regimen head coach Terrence Boykins is calling "competitive napping," a sports-science approach he says is "grounded in recovery, discipline, and frankly, results." "We were running the numbers on player fatigue and realized half the roster was falling asleep in film study anyway," Boykins told the district athletics board, which approved the pilot program on a narrow vote. "So we asked ourselves: what if that was the drill?" Under the new system, players are timed and ranked on nap duration, recovery heart rate, and what the coaching staff calls "wake-up alertness posture." Starting linebacker Dominic Reyes currently holds the school record at fifty-one uninterrupted minutes, a mark Bo...

National Book Award Committee Announces New Category: "Best Novel We're Pretty Sure a Person Wrote" Judges confirm authenticity the same way they confirm everything else: by asking politely and hoping for the best NEW YORK — Just days after London's Commonwealth Short Story Prize was engulfed in scandal over an allegedly AI-generated winning entry, the American publishing establishment has responded the way it responds to every crisis: by forming a committee, drafting a statement, and hoping the problem quietly writes itself out of the news cycle. The National Book Foundation confirmed it is "monitoring the situation closely," a phrase publishing insiders say typically means someone forwarded an article to a group chat and nobody has replied yet. The Honor System Gets a Promotion Sources say the Foundation's current authorship verification process consists of a single checkbox reading "I certify that I personally wrote this novel," foll...

AOC Freezes Eggs to Keep Future Options Open, Congress Stunned by Concept of Planning Beyond Next Tuesday Democratic socialist embraces long-term storage, personal savings and future planning, leaving Washington economists unsure whether to applaud or investigate WASHINGTON, D.C. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has publicly documented her decision to freeze her eggs, saying the process gives her greater control over her future and explaining that she had been saving money to pay for it. The 36-year-old New York Democrat announced the decision over the weekend and has shared parts of the treatment process on social media, including administering fertility medication around her congressional and television schedule. Washington reacted with its customary sensitivity by immediately converting one woman's reproductive decision into a 96-hour national symposium featuring politicians, podcasters, physicians, theologians and men whose principal medical qualification is owning a microph...

CBS Replaces Tony Romo With J.J. Watt, Claims Moving Van Outside Romo's Office Is Temporary CBS Sports insists the arrival of a moving van outside Tony Romo's old office is purely temporary, much like the network's decision to elevate J.J. Watt to the No. 1 broadcast booth, which is also described as temporary, in the same way a haircut is temporary or a tattoo is temporary. Romo was arrested on suspicion of OWI in Milwaukee and now faces a September court date. He has not been convicted. CBS, however, has already run what amounts to a full broadcasting replacement derby, and the derby appears to have a winner. The Field of Candidates According to reports, J.J. Watt has been tabbed to work alongside Jim Nantz and Tracy Wolfson on the network's top broadcast team, a role that instantly made him the frontrunner in a race nobody officially announced. Greg Olsen, previously discussed in broadcasting circles as a possible long-term successor, remains in the wings, quie...

Tony Romo Signs $180 Million CBS Deal, Executives Discover Resentment Is Also Fully Guaranteed CBS Pays Tony Romo $180 Million to Predict Football Plays, Fails to Predict How Much It Would Hate Paying Tony Romo $180 Million NEW YORK — CBS executives have reportedly discovered the hidden danger of free-market capitalism after former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo used competition, scarcity and negotiating leverage to obtain a contract so large that network accountants now regard it less as an employment agreement than a weather system. Romo joined CBS in 2017 and quickly became a broadcasting attraction, particularly because of his habit of predicting plays before they happened. When his original contract approached expiration in 2020, ESPN's interest increased his bargaining power and CBS ultimately retained him with a deal widely reported at 10 years and $180 million. Colin Cowherd has since suggested that Romo's successful negotiations created lasting resentment amo...