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London Couples’ Weekend Hijacked by Man Who Can Turn Literally Any Subject Into His Military Service Wife planned relaxing getaway with another couple; husband discovers Britain’s most formidable weapon remains a retired serviceman who has never once allowed a conversation to escape LONDON — A wife books a weekend away with another couple, and her husband learns somewhere between the first drink and the second that the other husband, a retired military veteran, has exactly one conversational setting: military service. The result is less a holiday than an extremely comfortable hostage situation with breakfast included. London makes this problem worse, because Britain has spent centuries developing elaborate social rules designed specifically to stop anyone from saying, “Richard, we’ve heard this one.” The rules are older than the Tube, older than the pub quiz and, if the men involved are to be believed, older than the Domesday Book. London Couple Discovers Weekend Away Includes Un...
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Hollywood Spends $280 Million Explaining Capitalism Is Evil in Digger, Discovers Customers Can Refuse to Buy Tom Cruise's Digger reportedly needed hundreds of millions in ticket sales to deliver its warning about money, greed and powerful corporations, but American consumers maliciously introduced Hollywood to supply and demand Digger Box Office: Hollywood's $280 Million Bet on a Movie Suspicious of Capitalism Hollywood reportedly spent as much as $280 million producing and marketing a movie suspicious of capitalism, apparently hoping capitalism would reimburse them by Tuesday. LOS ANGELES — Hollywood has suffered another devastating encounter with ordinary Americans after moviegoers used the sinister right-wing economic mechanism known as “choosing what to buy” and declined to purchase enough tickets to Digger, the enormously expensive Tom Cruise climate satire about wealth, power, corporate greed and environmental catastrophe. The situation has stunned Hollywood, where ...
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Britain Unveils AI Job Interviewer That Loses Temper Faster Than Human HR Recruitment revolution promises to reject applicants faster, cheaper and with considerably more electronic irritation LONDON — Britain moved a step closer to the fully automated economy this week after footage emerged of an AI job interviewer getting so irritated with an applicant that it effectively turned into a regional sales manager who had missed lunch. The incident, reported by Futurism on 6 October, involved a TikToker who sat down with an AI screening avatar and answered every question in gibberish. The avatar, apparently interviewing for a management role, did not hold on to the serene emotional detachment we have always associated with computers. It got more annoyed with each answer, asked whether the candidate was having a breakdown, complained that the whole thing was a waste of its time, declared the applicant completely unqualified and ended the call. Britain recognised management material at on...
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Portable emissions boundary to be carried by enforcement officer walking three metres behind resident London officials have unveiled a mobile charging zone capable of following individual residents wherever they go - a personal ULEZ zone that, its inventors insist, closes a fairness gap the real scheme was never actually designed to have. PULEZ: the concept The Personal Ultra-Low Emission Zone, or PULEZ, replaces traditional geographic boundaries with a council employee carrying a laminated circle. Whenever the employee catches up with you, you are inside the zone. "This solves the fairness problem," explained transport strategist Amelia Cone. "Previously somebody could simply leave a charging area." "Under PULEZ, the charging area leaves with them." Residents are assigned a Portable Boundary Officer based on surname. Officers operate Monday to Friday and alternate Saturdays. Premium enforcement is available Sundays. The concept emerged from consulta...
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Humanity’s Revenge: The AI Job Interview A young British applicant discovers his interviewer is a machine and decides employment is no longer the objective INT. JAMIE’S BEDROOM – MORNING A laptop sits on a desk between an empty coffee mug, two charging cables that fit nothing currently manufactured, and a handwritten note reading: REMEMBER TO SOUND ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT LOGISTICS. JAMIE, 23, wearing a decent shirt above the waist and football shorts below it, adjusts his webcam. On screen appears AVA. AVA looks approximately thirty-two, because apparently even artificial intelligence has decided twenty-three looks unreliable and forty-seven might ask about pensions. She is professionally attractive in the way corporate software thinks humans should look. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. No pores. No evidence she has ever queued for anything. AVA: Good morning, Jamie. JAMIE: Morning. AVA: Thank you for applying for the position of Junior Customer Experience Fulfilment Associate at Ha...
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Ella Langley Out-Headlines Trump During the Xi Jinping Visit How Six Words From an Alabama Country Star Beat a Presidential Summit for America's Attention WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly discovered the limits of presidential power this week when he opened the newspapers expecting headlines about his state visit with Chinese President Xi Jinping, only to find the country obsessed with country singer Ella Langley rejecting one man near a parking lot fence in Knoxville, Tennessee. Fox News reported that Langley went viral after a fan shouted a question about how many likes it would take to earn a date with her following a September 24 concert. Langley's reply, that there weren't enough in the world, spread faster than anything coming out of the White House press room that week. She later said the line was meant as dark humor, which only fed the story a second meal. Meanwhile Trump was hosting Xi at the White House for a state visit that included a dinn...
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Cornell Students Beg Outside Activists to Please Let Them Get Back to Getting Hammered Knackered undergraduates launch bold new movement demanding fewer movements, more revision and the restoration of the ancient right to waste a Saturday afternoon in bed ITHACA, NEW YORK — Students at Cornell University have reportedly begun demanding something almost unheard of on the modern American campus: the chance to go back to being ordinary students. That means a bit of revision, a lot more drinking, sleeping through alarms, moaning about the price of a sandwich and spending forty minutes choosing something on Netflix before nodding off nine minutes in. It's the great undergraduate tradition. We've all done it. Some of us went on to become Cabinet ministers. Unfortunately, activists keep happening. The latest Cornell demonstrations grew out of serious allegations about how the university handled a sexual-assault case, which is exactly the sort of thing that deserves proper scrutiny...
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