Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Colorado Champion Steer Owner Asks to Refinance the Ribbon GREELEY, Colorado — A Weld County livestock exhibitor has won the agricultural equivalent of an Academy Award and found out that the trophy costs a good deal more than the movie. Local rancher Dennis McAllister celebrated his grand champion steer victory by lifting a blue ribbon above his head, hugging his family, and immediately asking whether the livestock committee accepted monthly payments. The steer, a magnificent black Angus named Mortgage, had impressed the judges with outstanding muscling, balance, and structural soundness. Unfortunately, Mortgage had also impressed the family's banker with his ability to generate expenses. Grand Champion Steer Costs More Than the Ribbon McAllister estimated that his family's competition budget included the animal's purchase price, feed, veterinary care, grooming equipment, transportation, entry fees, and an astonishing number of small expenses that appeared whenever a...

£23 million facility awaits a threat that never arrived PORTSMOUTH, England — Britain has achieved a breakthrough in international diplomacy after spending years and millions of pounds on border inspection facilities, only to discover that European sausages have never actually attempted to overthrow the government. The revelation follows renewed efforts to simplify UK-EU food trade, which could make the expensive post-Brexit inspection infrastructure unnecessary. Portsmouth Border Control Post: What £23 Million Bought According to reporting on Portsmouth's £23 million border control post, the facility opened a few years ago to inspect animal and plant products. New trade arrangements could substantially reduce the need for those inspections. Of the total, Portsmouth City Council put in £6 million of its own budget and is now seeking compensation. For British taxpayers, this raises an obvious question. Why spend £23 million teaching a sausage to identify itself when nobody int...

Oregon Carrot Rejected for Being Ugly, Farmer Demands Vegetable Civil Rights MEDFORD, Oregon — An Oregon County Agricultural Exhibition has erupted into a dispute over vegetable discrimination after a perfectly edible carrot was denied first place because its shape reminded a judge of a middle-aged man attempting yoga. The carrot, grown by farmer Joseph Wilkins, possessed three crooked roots, an unusual orange complexion, and absolutely no intention of appearing attractive in a supermarket advertisement. Wilkins insisted the vegetable deserved recognition for surviving difficult growing conditions. The judges disagreed. "Appearance matters in exhibition produce," the chairman explained. Wilkins asked whether the carrot had applied for a modeling contract. The judges' score sheet, entered into the record, awards the carrot 2 out of 10 for symmetry, 1 out of 10 for "visual calm" and 10 out of 10 for "is a carrot," a category the scorer then crossed out...

Pavements Become Britain's Newest Public Toilets HILLINGDON — A London council has discovered an ingenious solution to Britain's escalating municipal waste problem: remove the bins and hope the waste develops somewhere else to live. Conservative-run Hillingdon Council has approved plans to remove approximately 700 dedicated dog-waste bins, generating an estimated £100,000 in net annual savings. According to The Guardian's reporting on Hillingdon's dog-bin controversy, the borough's dogs produce approximately 174 tonnes of waste each year. The council expects owners to use ordinary litter bins or take the waste home. This demonstrates an important difference between municipal accounting and basic biology. Removing a bin does not remove what the dog has deposited. Council Discovers Dogs Have Refused to Cooperate With Spending Cuts The financial logic is extraordinarily British. The council needs to save money. Dog-waste bins cost money. Therefore, eliminate dog-...

Lake Gerald is gone, the invoice remains DES MOINES, Iowa — A landlord has raised the cash rent on eighty acres after discovering that his tenant spent six years correcting the soil, fixing the drainage and removing a population of volunteer trees large enough to qualify for its own school district. The landlord called the increase a reflection of the property's improved productive capacity. The tenant said he remembered the productive capacity from his first spring, when he planted around a wet hole the size of a church parking lot. The previous tenant had called it Lake Gerald. Gerald was the landlord. "The lake's gone," the tenant said. "Good to see Gerald found another way to collect on it." Tenant Improvements on Rented Farmland: Improvements Finally Reach the Owner The tenant brought records to the rent meeting. There were soil tests, lime bills and a photograph of a length of crushed tile dug out beside the ditch. The landlord looked over the ma...

Prime Minister Weighs Rescue of 600 Pound Shops LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has discovered that Britain's economic difficulties can now be purchased individually for one pound, although Treasury officials warn that delivery, installation and subsequent government intervention may cost considerably more. Poundland's financial problems have attracted ministerial attention because the retailer employs thousands of people and operates hundreds of stores. There is also an awkward geographical detail: the chain has a distribution centre in Burnham's Makerfield constituency, as noted in Reuters' report on government discussions with Poundland's owners. The Prime Minister therefore faces the nightmare of seeing a bargain retailer disappear from his political backyard. Ordinarily, this would be handled by announcing an inquiry. Unfortunately, Poundland cannot afford to wait eighteen months for a committee to discover that losing money is financially inconvenient. ...