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The Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for POTUS in 2028: Meet the Man Who Answers to Nobody, Allegedly Every four years, the American electorate is promised a candidate who is "finally different," and every four years the candidate turns out to be exactly the same, just with a new haircut and a fresh grudge. This cycle, however, Washington has genuinely outdone itself. Meet Ethan Mao Jefferson Chen: born in Anaheim, raised on ambition, and constitutionally as American as a Big Gulp, which is the entire point. Chen is entirely invented — a satirical construction, not a real person, and not an accusation against any actual candidate, party, or ethnic group. He exists so we can ask an old question in a new outfit: what happens when a democracy becomes so allergic to asking hard questions that it simply stops asking them, provided the candidate answers in a soothing enough tone? A Star Is Born, Six Miles From a Cheesecake Factory Ethan Mao Jefferson Chen arrived on American ...
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New York Celebrates Millionaire Diversity by Holding One Farewell Party at a Time Image brief (Al Jaffee/MAD style): A U-Haul truck idling outside a Fifth Avenue penthouse, movers carrying out a grand piano labeled "TAX BASE," while Governor Hochul waves a tiny flag reading "DIVERSITY WIN" from a balcony. In the background, a moving van with Florida plates already has a full parking lot. New York State has proudly announced a bold new civic tradition: celebrating millionaire diversity by holding exactly one farewell party at a time, every single week, indefinitely, forever, until the definition of "millionaire" quietly shrinks to mean "anyone with a working refrigerator." Albany Discovers Tax Base Functions Best When It Remains Inside the State In a breakthrough described by insiders as "somewhere between obvious and tragic," Albany budget analysts have concluded, after extensive study, that a tax base actually generates the most ...
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Congress Discovers It Can Rewrite the Universe If the Committee Hearing Runs Long Enough According to Noah Rothman's column, Congress is once again debating daylight saving time, creating the familiar spectacle of elected officials treating orbital mechanics as a policy preference rather than a property of the solar system. The annual ritual features legislators convinced that, with enough hearings, subpoenas, and strongly worded press releases, the Earth will eventually agree to rotate on a more convenient schedule. Congress vs. the Solar System: Who Has Jurisdiction? Members of Congress remain optimistic that the Sun has simply never received clear legislative guidance. The House recently passed its own version of the Sunshine Protection Act, proving once again that nothing says "we have this under control" like a 308-117 vote on the rotation of a planet. Several representatives reportedly argued that if inflation, immigration, and the national debt refuse to coop...
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Film Critics Finally Complete the Hero's Journey From Watching a Movie to Watching Themselves Film critics have greeted Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey with the sort of restraint normally associated with ancient Greek prophets who have just seen Zeus juggling volcanoes. Within hours of the review embargo lifting, publications were calling it "the greatest movie ever," "a masterpiece," "Nolan's best," "emotionally adrift," and "the reason cinema exists." In other words, critics achieved complete consensus by disagreeing with extraordinary confidence. Even Rotten Tomatoes' own critics consensus page reads like a group project where nobody talked to each other. Fifteen Humorous Observations on Nolan's Odyssey Reviews Critics Finish the Film Before the Opening Credits Several reviewers reportedly knew the film was a masterpiece after seeing the Universal logo. Every Review Secretly Reviews Christopher Nolan Ins...
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Pickaxe Mountain Receives Surprise Promotion From "Suspicious Hill" to International Headline Iran Confirms Pickaxe Mountain Was Chosen Because "Nuclear Volcano" Sounded Too Obvious TEHRAN, Iran. Pickaxe Mountain, previously known only to Iranian engineers, American intelligence agencies and several goats with unusually high security clearance, has received an unexpected promotion from "suspicious hill" to internationally monitored strategic landmark. The promotion followed reports that President Donald Trump and his national security team discussed possible expanded strikes on Iran during a Situation Room meeting. Trump said the United States was watching activity at Pickaxe Mountain, a deeply buried site that American and Israeli officials suspect could be connected to Iran's nuclear ambitions. He acknowledged that activity appeared limited but warned that even a small amount could invite a substantial response. It is, in the grand tradition of A...
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California Grocery Stores Replace Dairy Aisle With Helpful Flowchart Explaining Why There's No Dairy Shoppers Report That Buying Milk Now Requires Three Forms of ID, a Recycling Minor, and the Patience of a Medieval Monk SACRAMENTO, Calif. — In what officials proudly describe as "the next logical step in sustainable grocery shopping," California supermarkets have reportedly replaced their dairy aisles with a six-foot-tall flowchart explaining the legal, environmental, philosophical, and emotional journey required before anyone may purchase a gallon of milk. Call it Sacramento's latest udder failure of common sense — a pun so deliberate it deserves its own regulatory fee. The move comes amid real concerns from parts of California's dairy industry that new recycling and packaging requirements could make selling milk more expensive and more complicated. Under the state's Plastic Pollution Prevention and Packaging Producer Responsibility Act, producers face st...
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Bernie Sanders Replacement for Platner Too Conservative to Have Ever Dated Anyone Maine Democrats Discover Their Revolutionary Candidate Has Apparently Held Opinions Before Tuesday AUGUSTA, Maine. In a development that has left progressive activists rifling through old filing cabinets for the emergency "Context Matters" binder, Maine Democrats are rallying behind former Senate President Troy Jackson, the Bernie Sanders–aligned logger now positioned to replace Graham Platner atop the ticket. Jackson's earlier political statements have become the most awkward reunion since somebody discovered an old MySpace profile at Thanksgiving. Party officials insist Jackson's journey demonstrates "growth," a term they now define as having once held opinions that would require a three-hour podcast apology to fully unpack. Democrats have found their new axe to grind, and, fittingly, the man swinging it spent decades felling actual trees along the Canadian border. Demo...
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