Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Iran Restores Internet, Accidentally Reminds Citizens What Freedom Feels Like Five Observations About a Government That Treats Wi-Fi as a Pardon After 88 days offline, millions of Iranians reportedly discovered 14,000 unread messages, three marriage proposals, and one aunt still asking if anyone "got her lentil recipe from March." Tehran residents described hearing the SoundCloud startup noise the way medieval villagers reacted to church bells after surviving a plague — except the plague in this case was still technically ongoing and had a communications minister. Western journalists celebrated Iran restoring "partial connectivity," which experts say is like applauding a kidnapper for briefly cracking a window in the van, then issuing a press release about his commitment to fresh air. Iranian officials proudly announced citizens could once again access selected websites — though loading a single cat meme reportedly still takes longer than obtaining a uranium enr...

Tom Brady’s Greatest Comeback: Rekindling Love Like It’s the Fourth Quarter Tom Brady and Irina Shayk have rekindled their romance Tom Brady is no stranger to comebacks. He’s engineered them on the field, he’s engineered them in the media, and now—perhaps most impressively—he’s engineering them in his love life. The world gasped, fainted, and dramatically clutched their pearls upon hearing the news : Tom Brady and Irina Shayk have rekindled their romance . Yes, just when you thought Brady had finally retired from heart-racing action, he’s back at it again. The man who made a career out of dissecting defenses is now busy dissecting his dating playbook. Some say it’s passion, others say it’s strategy, and a few cynical folks whisper that it’s just because both of them were bored last Tuesday. Regardless of motive, one thing is clear: Tom Brady’s romantic playbook is just as complex as any Super Bowl-winning game plan. And, as usual, we the spectators, sitting in ...

America Discovers Its True World Cup Talent: Price Gouging at World Cup Speed BOHINEY.COM | DALLAS, TEXAS — For thirty-two years, the rest of the world quietly chuckled at the Americans who hosted a World Cup in 1994 and charged the price of a decent steak dinner for a ticket. Twenty-five dollars. Thirty-five dollars. Ninety dollars for the final. Adorable. Quaint. Almost Canadian in its modesty. Well, Europe. The laughing stops now. The United States of America has been studying. Taking notes. Watching how the rest of the world runs big sporting events — the Champions League final markups, the Wembley hospitality packages, the Formula One paddock clubs at Monaco — and it has concluded, with the full confidence of a nation that once turned a simple hotdog into a $24 stadium experience, that it has been seriously underperforming. From $25 to $5,400: A Coming-of-Age Story In 1994, a Category 1 ticket to a World Cup group stage match cost about $35. Today, that same Category 1 seat ...

SAG Declares War on Botox: Hollywood’s Ban ‘Frozen Faces’ to Save Laughter Hollywood’s Newest Outlaw? Your Own Forehead. In a shocking twist that no one saw coming—except maybe Joan Rivers’ estate—Hollywood’s Screen Actors Guild (SAG) has officially declared war on Botox. That’s right: if your face is so frozen it could double as a department store mannequin, you are no longer welcome in comedy clubs. Because, as we all know, the only thing comedians need more than laughter is… visible proof of laughter. Yes, folks, SAG, the labor union that once fought for fair wages and safe working conditions, has now pivoted to policing facial mobility. The ruling, dubbed “The Wrinkle Liberation Act of 2025,” mandates that audience members must exhibit full emotional range—or at least the ability to raise an eyebrow in dismay. This decision comes in response to increasing concerns that Botox is “suffocating comedy,” an issue second only to inflation, polit...