Bohiney Satrical Journalism

California High-Speed Rail Finally Reaches 220 MPH, Unfortunately Only on Consultant Expense Reports State celebrates historic transportation achievement as paperwork arrives in Sacramento several decades ahead of passengers California's legendary high-speed rail project has finally demonstrated that extraordinary velocity is possible, although investigators have discovered the fastest-moving objects associated with the program may be airline tickets, Uber receipts and consultant reimbursement forms. The latest comic derailment comes after the California High-Speed Rail Office of the Inspector General investigated travel expenses paid to outside consultants. The watchdog identified hundreds of thousands of dollars in expenses that lacked required approval or appeared inconsistent with state rules or contract terms, including premium airfare, international travel and rideshare trips associated with gyms, restaurants and entertainment venues. This creates an important philosophic...

Female Sports Journalists Reserve Right to Determine What Is Funny; Satire and Stand-Up Comedy Warned: “You Are Next!” Arch Manning apology accepted by Holly Rowe, rejected by America’s rapidly expanding Department of Additional Apologies The American entertainment industry entered a terrifying new regulatory era this week after sports journalism appeared to discover that simply disliking a joke was insufficient and began experimenting with something much more ambitious: licensing laughter itself. The controversy began when Texas quarterback Arch Manning discussed an AI-generated fake video depicting Longhorns coach Steve Sarkisian striking ESPN reporter Holly Rowe. Manning laughed, called the video hilarious, and was subsequently criticized. He apologized publicly, apologized specifically to Rowe, spoke to her privately, and Rowe accepted his apology. Under the antiquated rules of human civilization, this would ordinarily conclude the matter. Fortunately, television exists. ESPN h...

Euphoria Cast Discusses Sydney Sweeney Nudity, America Insists It Was Watching Entirely for the Character Development HBO Viewers Confirm They Have Always Been Deeply Interested in the Sociology of External Validation America's television-viewing public has entered another demanding period of cultural scholarship after the cast and crew of Euphoria discussed Sydney Sweeney's nude scenes, forcing millions of viewers to explain once again that they watch the HBO drama strictly because of its sophisticated examination of identity, capitalism and the declining American construction industry. Us Weekly reported that Sweeney's character Cassie Howard spends much of Season 3 creating online adult content after her husband Nate gets into serious financial trouble following a failed construction venture. Creator Sam Levinson described the storyline as a critical look at the consequences of becoming dependent on attention, likes and outside validation. That explanation immediatel...

CNN Ordered Away From Curtain After Asking Why Man Behind It Keeps Yelling ‘Fake News’ After President Trump announced that CNN, MS NOW and Politico would be barred from the White House over coverage he characterized as "fake news," reporters for the three organizations were denied access the next day. The organizations objected to the restrictions, and Trump indicated other media organizations could potentially face similar action. There is a simple rule in political theater. Never look behind the curtain. The curtain is there for a reason. Behind the curtain are wires. There are staff members. There is somebody searching desperately for the correct microphone. There is a communications director whispering, "Don't answer that." There is probably a printer jam. The entire majesty of government depends upon everybody agreeing to stare at the smoke. This principle was established conclusively in The Wizard of Oz, where the mighty Wizard created thunder, flames, ...

White House Announces Exciting New Journalism Standard: News Must First Agree With White House Trump's Ministry of Truth The factual foundation is straightforward: Trump announced that CNN, MS NOW and Politico would be barred from the White House, describing their coverage as "fake news." Reporters from those organizations were denied access the following day. The organizations objected and said they would contest the action; Trump also suggested other outlets might later be barred. Washington has finally discovered the problem with journalism. Journalists keep reporting things. For generations, governments have tolerated this obvious design flaw because nobody thought to treat White House accreditation the way restaurants treat Yelp. That era may be ending. Under the exciting theoretical new system, journalism becomes extremely simple. Before publication, reporters merely ask: "Does the government like this?" If yes, congratulations. Journalism. If no, perh...

The King Shoots the Messenger Trump Solves Bad News by Banning the People Carrying It Into the Building President Trump announced this week that CNN, MS NOW and Politico were barred from the White House, saying the organizations produced "fake news." Reporters from the three outlets were turned away the following day, and Trump warned that additional outlets could face the same treatment. The organizations objected, and press freedom groups immediately called on news outlets to fight the bans. Human civilization has finally improved upon the ancient political tradition of shooting the messenger. We no longer shoot him. We deactivate his badge. That's progress. For thousands of years, kings struggled with the same terrible administrative problem: somebody keeps arriving with information. The Persians had messengers. Rome had couriers. Medieval Europe had heralds. Western Union had telegram boys. Washington has cable correspondents wearing laminated cards around their n...