Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Croydon Husband Discovers His Most Intimate Relationship Is Now With a Parliamentary Committee CROYDON, ENGLAND | A 63-year-old married man has expressed profound emotional confusion after discovering that the British government has devoted considerable parliamentary attention to online pornography, a subject his wife last raised during an argument about their telephone bill in 1997. Gerald Puddington, a retired refrigerator salesman and husband of thirty-six years, said he had never expected Westminster to take such an active interest in his private recreational habits. "For three decades, my wife has shown absolutely no interest in what I'm watching on the computer," Puddington said. "Then suddenly, Parliament has legislation, ministers have opinions and Ofcom has enforcement powers." "I haven't received this much attention since my prostate examination." Puddington expressed particular surprise that lawmakers have spent years researching porno...

Previous apocalypses criticized for poor user interface, lack of personalization and excessive brightness after sunset SAN FRANCISCO - Humanity has faced existential threats throughout history, but artificial intelligence may be the first one offering a friendly chat interface, customizable settings and dark mode. The latest discussion about A.I. risk appears here. Catastrophe Design Finally Gets Onboarding This represents tremendous progress in catastrophe design. Nuclear war never had onboarding. Pandemics lacked personalization. Asteroids provide terrible customer support. Climate change does not even have a login page. Artificial intelligence arrives differently. Hello! How can I help you today? Very reassuring. Researchers may warn about powerful systems creating serious risks. The interface remains delightful. That matters. Humans judge technology partly through appearance. A dangerous machine with blinking red lights feels dangerous. A dangerous machine with rounded corne...

Burnham Boosts British Output, Speaker Confirms It's Sentences Downing Street hails a booming explanation economy LONDON — Andy Burnham has delivered a breakthrough in British productivity by producing substantially more answer per question, according to the timing figures in a BBC report. Downing Street is now examining whether the additional output can be counted towards economic growth before anybody asks what it is for. Burnham's PMQs Answers Outlast Four Prime Ministers The prime minister averaged 51 seconds per answer across the three PMQs sessions examined, compared with 39 for Rishi Sunak, 38 for Keir Starmer, 35 for Boris Johnson and 33 for Liz Truss. Britain therefore possesses a league table with a clear government success at the top and no immediate requirement to build anything. Officials believe the figures demonstrate that Labour's industrial strategy, which sits with the Department for Business and Trade, is working somewhere between the prime minist...

Russell Brand Wants Evidence, Britain Offers a Grin The defence asks questions. The comment section asks why. LONDON — Russell Brand’s defence has run into a formidable rival in the administration of British justice: a headline. Following LBC’s report on the trial, the nation’s armchair prosecutors have been invited to consider whether a description of somebody’s grin can do the work previously assigned to evidence, cross-examination and a jury. Brand denies the charges and says his sexual encounters were consensual. His defence deserves to be heard at full volume. Presumed innocence shouldn’t arrive as the little sachet of salad dressing attached to an enormous takeaway box of accusation. The prosecution must establish its case. Brand doesn’t have to win a national popularity contest before his lawyers are allowed to question it. Otherwise the courts could simply swap the jury box for the voting equipment from a television talent show and let three celebrities explain that his def...

Politicians celebrate technology that could eliminate the expensive constitutional inconvenience of waiting for somebody to do something wrong. WASHINGTON, D.C. - Federal officials on Tuesday welcomed advances in artificial intelligence and brain-computer technology as a "transformational opportunity" for national security, law enforcement and the reduction of unnecessary individual liberty, according to a briefing document distributed to reporters at 6:40 a.m., before most of them had thought of anything. The announcement followed a Financial Times examination of AI and brain-computer interfaces that several staffers said they had read "with great interest and, in two cases, with a pen." Introducing the Department of Pre-Emptive Disappointment The proposed Department of Pre-Emptive Disappointment would review citizens' thoughts to determine whether they might eventually develop opinions requiring federal attention. Early planning documents call for 11,00...

Revolut Says Your Money Is Safe From You Outage delivers compulsory saving to customers LONDON — Revolut customers encountered an unusually comprehensive savings mechanism on Tuesday when service disruption affected functions including card payments and cash withdrawals. The bank assured customers that their money and data were safe, establishing a distinction between possessing money and being permitted to do anything useful with it. The disruption was linked to Google Cloud’s London outage, according to Reuters. For customers attempting to pay, this supplied the explanation they had been waiting for: the money existed, the merchant existed, the goods existed, and somewhere between them a technical dependency had declined to participate. The reassurance was welcome. Nobody wants to lose their savings. Several customers nevertheless retained an old-fashioned interest in occasionally exchanging a small portion of those savings for breakfast. Every Declined Payment Is a Saving Oppo...