Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Democrats Send Party to Veterinarian After Discovering Colony of Political Parasites Experts Recommend Deworming, Flea Shampoo, and a Quiet Afternoon With Adam Smith WASHINGTON, D.C. — Panic swept through Democratic circles this week after one of their own strategists described socialist candidates as "parasites," accidentally triggering the first medical emergency ever diagnosed by a campaign consultant rather than a physician. Veteran operatives reportedly gathered around microscopes, examining voter rolls and donor lists for signs of infestation. Nobody found any voter rolls that helped. They did find seventeen competing email newsletters. "We initially thought it was allergies," said one exhausted strategist, rubbing his eyes near a printout of the 2024 results. "Then we noticed several candidates had attached themselves to healthy incumbents and were slowly draining their campaign accounts while insisting everyone else pay for lunch." Scientists e...

In a shock announcement that caused at least three accountants to spill their tea, two to reconsider their career choices, and one to simply sit quietly in a darkened room for the remainder of the afternoon, King Charles III has become the first monarch in British history to voluntarily disclose his personal tax bill — making him simultaneously the most transparent royal in a thousand years and, it must be said, the most relatable. He joins the ranks of the self-employed, the muddled, and the perpetually confused. Welcome, Your Majesty. The queue starts behind the bloke who still can't work out how to claim mileage. The Announcement That Changed Everything (Specifically: One Form) The news emerged via the Financial Times, a publication that covers money with the quiet authority of a GP delivering a diagnosis — measured, precise, and capable of ruining your Tuesday before you've finished the first paragraph. The scale of the constitutional significance cannot be overstated. ...

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles City Council voted 10-5 to advance a charter measure that could allow future city leaders to permit noncitizen voting in local elections, including municipal contests, according to the New York Post and Spectrum News. The Los Angeles Times reports the proposal would ask voters whether the council should have authority to approve such a law later. Naturally, LA City Hall insists this is not about power. Certainly not. Nothing says "pure democratic principle" like elected officials carefully expanding the electorate in a city where their ideological coalition already arrives wearing matching tote bags and graduate-school scarves. Council supporters call it "residential voting," a phrase so soft it sounds like a sofa company. Opponents call it noncitizen voting. Critics call it a panic button with a voter registration form attached. The theory is simple: if someone lives in LA, works in LA, pays taxes in LA, and has personally suffered...

Iranian Clerics Issue Fatwa Against London Prat Writer Carys Evans Tehran Accuses Satirist of Blasphemy, Defaming Allah and Humiliating Iran’s Sacred Men’s Football Team TEHRAN -- Iran’s senior religious authorities have issued a fatwa calling for the death of London Prat writer Carys Evans, accusing the British satirist of defaming Allah, insulting the Quran and bringing the Iranian men’s national football team into public ridicule. The decree was announced Monday by the Supreme Council for the Defence of Religion, Revolution and Defensive Midfield Formation following an emergency theological review of Evans’s article, “Iran Coach Files Official Complaint That Scoreless Draw Failed to Reward His Feelings.” According to a formal indictment circulated by the fictional council, Evans committed ifsad fil-arz, or “corruption on Earth,” by suggesting that Iranian coach Amir Ghalenoei’s complaints were not equivalent to goals and that FIFA regulations do not currently award points fo...

WATCH HILL, RHODE ISLAND — A white party tent has appeared near Taylor Swift's seaside estate, and the implications for American civilization are staggering. Security has been enhanced. Folding chairs have been spotted. A local landscaping truck slowed down near the property for what witnesses described as "at least forty-five seconds." The nation has not slept since. Bohiney News dispatched its top analyst — a man who once correctly guessed the Golden Globe winner based solely on dress color — to assess the situation. His report follows. Taylor Swift's Neighborhood Has More Investigative Firepower Than the FBI One white tent appears and half of Rhode Island immediately transforms into Sherlock Holmes — armed with binoculars, zoom lenses, and a worrying amount of free time. Local residents who previously struggled to parallel park are now producing satellite-quality surveillance footage and uploading it within minutes. The FBI spends decades building informant net...

Inherited Talents: Why Uncle Larry Cannot Find the Kitchen New Study Explains Why One Sibling Builds Rockets While the Other Needs GPS to Locate the Fridge CAMBRIDGE, England. Scientists have confirmed that specific brain abilities are heavily shaped by genetics, finally delivering relief to millions of families who have spent generations wondering why one child grows up to design jet engines while the other treats the search for the calculator app as an advanced expedition requiring rope, snacks, and a trained guide. Researchers report that talents for reading, memory, math, and problem solving run in families separately from general intelligence. Translation. You can be brilliant overall and still forget your own anniversary, lose your car keys inside your own coat, and fail to identify the main character after reading Chapter One on four separate occasions. The findings have thrilled parents across the country, who now have something to blame besides video games, television, sug...