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AOC Freezes Eggs to Keep Future Options Open, Congress Stunned by Concept of Planning Beyond Next Tuesday Democratic socialist embraces long-term storage, personal savings and future planning, leaving Washington economists unsure whether to applaud or investigate WASHINGTON, D.C. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has publicly documented her decision to freeze her eggs, saying the process gives her greater control over her future and explaining that she had been saving money to pay for it. The 36-year-old New York Democrat announced the decision over the weekend and has shared parts of the treatment process on social media, including administering fertility medication around her congressional and television schedule. Washington reacted with its customary sensitivity by immediately converting one woman's reproductive decision into a 96-hour national symposium featuring politicians, podcasters, physicians, theologians and men whose principal medical qualification is owning a microph...
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CBS Replaces Tony Romo With J.J. Watt, Claims Moving Van Outside Romo's Office Is Temporary CBS Sports insists the arrival of a moving van outside Tony Romo's old office is purely temporary, much like the network's decision to elevate J.J. Watt to the No. 1 broadcast booth, which is also described as temporary, in the same way a haircut is temporary or a tattoo is temporary. Romo was arrested on suspicion of OWI in Milwaukee and now faces a September court date. He has not been convicted. CBS, however, has already run what amounts to a full broadcasting replacement derby, and the derby appears to have a winner. The Field of Candidates According to reports, J.J. Watt has been tabbed to work alongside Jim Nantz and Tracy Wolfson on the network's top broadcast team, a role that instantly made him the frontrunner in a race nobody officially announced. Greg Olsen, previously discussed in broadcasting circles as a possible long-term successor, remains in the wings, quie...
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Tony Romo Signs $180 Million CBS Deal, Executives Discover Resentment Is Also Fully Guaranteed CBS Pays Tony Romo $180 Million to Predict Football Plays, Fails to Predict How Much It Would Hate Paying Tony Romo $180 Million NEW YORK — CBS executives have reportedly discovered the hidden danger of free-market capitalism after former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo used competition, scarcity and negotiating leverage to obtain a contract so large that network accountants now regard it less as an employment agreement than a weather system. Romo joined CBS in 2017 and quickly became a broadcasting attraction, particularly because of his habit of predicting plays before they happened. When his original contract approached expiration in 2020, ESPN's interest increased his bargaining power and CBS ultimately retained him with a deal widely reported at 10 years and $180 million. Colin Cowherd has since suggested that Romo's successful negotiations created lasting resentment amo...
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Zendaya Marries Minuscule Tom Holland, Wedding Guests Asked Not to Accidentally Put Groom in Coat Check Hollywood's most vertically diversified marriage debuts matching wedding bands as scientists confirm Spider-Man remains visible to the naked eye LONDON — Zendaya and Tom Holland have been photographed wearing matching gold wedding bands following their Surrey wedding celebration, confirming that Hollywood's most discussed two-inch altitude differential has survived matrimony, tailoring and what experts are calling "the most aggressive deployment of women's footwear since platform shoes destabilized the 1970s." Recent reports place Zendaya around 5-foot-10 and Holland around 5-foot-8, a difference the couple themselves have previously laughed about, as detailed in People's coverage of the couple's wedding. The newlyweds were spotted in London wearing their rings and walking their dogs, with Zendaya moving elegantly along the pavement while Holland rem...
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Lisa "Angus" Cook Gets Due Process Before White House Fires Up the Grill Supreme Court requires notice and a chance to answer, forcing Washington to rediscover the revolutionary concept of hearing from somebody before deciding what they meant WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump's White House has restarted its effort to remove Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, but this time Cook will receive something that apparently required a Supreme Court ruling to discover: an opportunity to speak before everybody decides whether she gets tossed out of the building. The White House sent Cook a letter informing her that Trump is considering removing her over disputed mortgage allegations and giving her 21 days, until August 26, to respond with evidence or argument. Cook denies wrongdoing. Her attorney, Abbe Lowell, maintains that the allegations remain baseless and says another challenge will follow if the administration proceeds. Washington therefore enters the rarely obser...
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Zendaya Marries Tom Holland at 400-Acre Estate After Wedding Planner Determines Regular Hotel Might Make Groom Too Easy to Find Secret Surrey celebration requires five-star manor, private cinema, golf course and enough countryside to ensure Spider-Man can attend without being spotted behind the floral arrangements SURREY, ENGLAND — Zendaya and Tom Holland reportedly celebrated their marriage at Beaverbrook, the spectacular five-star Surrey country estate where privacy is measured not in curtains but in acres, cottages, golf holes and the estimated driving time required to locate another member of your immediate family. According to InStyle, the couple hosted family and friends at Beaverbrook on August 4 after marrying privately earlier in the year. The historic estate includes an 18-bedroom manor, separate accommodation, a private cinema, spa, golf course, library and artwork by Picasso, Basquiat and Gerhard Richter. Holland's brothers reportedly stayed in cottage suites several ...
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Maryland Spends $85 Million Buying Preakness, Discovers Everyone Else Has Started a New Horse-Racing League State secures historic race, celebrates control of its destiny, then discovers Kentucky and New York have apparently scheduled destiny somewhere else BALTIMORE, Maryland — Maryland recently completed an $85 million acquisition of the intellectual-property rights to the Preakness Stakes and Black-Eyed Susan Stakes, securing state control of one of horse racing's great historic brands. Days later, Churchill Downs Incorporated and the New York Racing Association announced a new six-race Thoroughbred Championship Series containing the Kentucky Derby, Belmont Stakes and four additional races, but conspicuously not the Preakness. It was the financial equivalent of purchasing an expensive table at a restaurant and discovering everybody else has gone bowling. Maryland officials insist the Preakness remains a central pillar of American racing, which is true in roughly the same sen...
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