Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Democrat Discovers Explaining Marxism Slowly To Texans May Not Be A Winning Statewide Message Candidate Confident Voters Will Embrace Redistribution Once He Finds The Right Slide Deck AUSTIN, Texas — The Texas Senate race between James Talarico and Ken Paxton is already turning ugly, and James Talarico has settled on a bold theory of the case: Texans haven't rejected his politics, they simply haven't had it explained patiently enough. According to The Texas Tribune, Talarico opened with the line "I have a legislative record — Ken Paxton has a criminal record," apparently unaware that to most Texas voters a legislative record reads like a list of things that got more expensive. Political analysts say Talarico faces a unique challenge. He must convince millions of Texans that a seminary-trained former middle school teacher from Austin knows how to run their lives better than they do. He calls this "public service." Everyone outside the 512 area code calls ...

Becerra Surges After Voters Mistake Him For Responsible Adult Poll Shows Californians Increasingly Interested In Candidate Who Appears Capable Of Completing Basic Household Tasks SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — In a shocking development that has left political consultants, billionaire donors, campaign strategists, and several cable news panels openly sobbing into their reusable coffee mugs, Xavier Becerra has surged to the top of California's gubernatorial race after voters reportedly mistook him for a responsible adult. Political scientists say the phenomenon began when several voters accidentally watched a full interview with Becerra and noticed that he appeared capable of answering questions without shouting, threatening democracy, promising free unicorns, or launching a cryptocurrency. "We were just trying to find someone who might fix a pothole," said Sacramento resident Denise Waller. "Then this guy started talking about actual government programs. It scared us at...

Democrats Finally Discover Character Matters After Nominating Guy Who Tested The Theory Party That Spent Decade Explaining Why Personal Conduct Was Complicated Suddenly Remembers It Exists AUGUSTA, MAINE — Democratic leaders across the country reportedly spent Monday rediscovering the concept of character after revelations surrounding a Maine Senate candidate transformed what was supposed to be a straightforward midterm race into what one strategist described as "a live-action ethics exam we forgot to study for." For years, political consultants have insisted that voters care primarily about healthcare, taxes, economic opportunity, and whether a candidate can pronounce "infrastructure" without sounding confused. This week, however, Democrats made the startling discovery that voters occasionally notice the candidate. "It turns out people ask questions," said Democratic strategist Paige Worthington while frantically deleting several old social media post...

Trump Calls Iran Negotiations "Very Boring," So Iran Threatens Global Oil Supply Just To Feel Something Again WASHINGTON, D.C. — International diplomacy hit a strange new low this week after President Donald Trump described the long-running standoff with Iran as "very boring," which prompted Tehran to threaten global oil supplies in what one analyst called the geopolitical equivalent of pulling the fire alarm at a funeral because nobody was looking at you. It started Tuesday morning. Trump walked out of a briefing, squinted at the reporters, and announced that talks with Iran had become "less exciting than a golf tournament played by accountants." Then he added, almost to himself, that even the accountants would at least keep score. "They keep saying the same thing," Trump reportedly complained. "We're negotiating, we're not negotiating, we're angry, we're not angry. Frankly, I've seen more suspense in a hotel checkout....

Trump's Name Removed From Kennedy Center, Building Immediately Loses 73% Of Cable News Coverage WASHINGTON — In what historians are already calling the fastest collapse of relevance since a souffle meets a screen door, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts shed its temporary surname this week and, within hours, found itself politely ignored by every network that had spent five months treating it like a missing submarine. A building that once anchored the evening news now anchors nothing but a parking validation booth. Producers reportedly panicked. One control room in midtown went dark when the chyron writers, deprived of the word that rhymes with "rump," simply sat down on the floor. The Kennedy Center, for the first time in its life, was just a place where cellos happened. The Numbers Nobody Asked For But Everyone Quoted Internal figures that absolutely do not exist suggest the building lost roughly three-quarters of its airtime overnight, dropping fr...

America Diagnosed With Electoral Alzheimer's, Demands Do-Over Vote To Remember Why It Held the Last One Poll Suggesting Voters Would Choose Differently Today Sparks Nationwide Run on Memory Care Facilities WASHINGTON -- A new poll claiming Americans would vote differently today has triggered concern among doctors, historians, and several confused retirees who distinctly remember spending the last decade arguing about exactly the same issues. The diagnosis is in. The patient is fine. The patient just can't recall scheduling the appointment, or paying the deductible. A New Poll Courageously Confirms That Time Still Passes Researchers announced that if an election were held tomorrow, the result might be different from the last one. This groundbreaking discovery has shocked absolutely nobody who owns a calendar. And it wasn't cheap. America no longer manufactures much, but it has cornered the global market in commissioning studies that prove water is wet and then forwar...