Bohiney Satrical Journalism

DSA Unveils Simple Plan to Save America by Abolishing Every Part of America Nation to Be Replaced With Newsletter, Logo, and Strongly Worded Social Media Account The Democratic Socialists of America have unveiled a refreshingly uncomplicated plan for repairing the United States: remove the United States. DSA national co-chair Megan Romer reportedly affirmed support for abolishing prisons, borders, ICE and the Senate, defunding the Pentagon, granting broad amnesty and placing large corporations under public ownership during a televised true-or-false segment. The group's official program also calls for abolishing the Senate, while its abolition working group advocates eliminating the "carceral forces" of the state. This is political reform in the same sense that pushing a Buick into a quarry is an oil change. Most popular components of the platform: free services, handmade banners and meetings in which the phrase "lived experience" is used often enough to qual...

Black Friday Begins Wednesday Now, Proving Americans Will Shop During Any Holiday If the Discount Sign Is Large Enough Nation's Premier Shopping Event Expands Until It Swallows Thanksgiving, November, and Increasingly Large Portions of October in Its Perpetual Quest to Begin Sooner Than Last Year - Black Friday now starts before Thanksgiving in a holiday timeline that has lost all structural integrity. - Americans will queue for hours to save $80 on a television they didn't know they wanted until Tuesday. - Retail "doorbuster" deals have created a doorbusting problem at actual doors with actual humans. - Somewhere in Cincinnati, a family is eating Thanksgiving dinner early so they can reach Target by 6 p.m. - Cyber Monday exists because Black Friday needed a sequel and Monday needed a reason. Black Friday Expands Until It Becomes Black November With Some October Included CINCINNATI — Retail historians confirmed this week that Black Friday — the p...

DSA Abolishes Pentagon, ICE and Electoral College, Retains Department of Cardboard Protest Signs Essential Revolutionary Infrastructure Protected From Budget Cuts The Democratic Socialists of America support abolishing or dismantling a remarkable collection of American institutions, including ICE and the Senate, while advocating prison abolition, steep Pentagon cuts and a restructured political system. The group's official materials explicitly include "Abolish ICE" and abolishing the Senate, while its abolition working group targets prisons and police. Yet one institution remains fully funded, heavily staffed and apparently beyond reform: the Department of Cardboard Protest Signs. Five People, One Functional Marker, Total Readiness The department, staffed by five people and one functional marker, is responsible for transforming complicated public policy into six angry words visible from across a street. Its annual output includes "NO HUMAN IS ILLEGAL," ...

Socialists Promise No Prisons, No Borders, No Senate and Eventually No Adults in Charge Revolutionary Babysitter Leaves Nation Alone With Matches The Democratic Socialists of America are promising a streamlined future without prisons, borders, ICE or the Senate, accompanied by a defunded Pentagon, public ownership of major corporations and a political structure rebuilt around congressional supremacy. These positions were highlighted in national co-chair Megan Romer's televised answers and are echoed in official DSA materials calling for abolition of the Senate and ICE, while the organization's abolition working group advocates eliminating prisons and police. America has finally found a movement willing to childproof the republic by removing the parents. A Household Without Rules, a Smoke Detector Without a Budget Who will pay, who will enforce the rules, what happens when the plan fails and why the kitchen smells like burning collectivism — nobody in the DSA's press s...

James Carville Warns Democrats Their Lenin Book Club Is Losing Black Voters Bohiney.com Political Satire Desk James Carville, the Ragin' Cajun who has spent four decades explaining Democrats to Democrats, stunned a Sunday show panel this week by announcing that the party's new mandatory reading group — informally known as the "Lenin Book Club" — is hemorrhaging Black voters faster than a Whole Foods hemorrhages $14 for a bag of kale chips. According to Carville, the club meets Thursdays, serves kombucha instead of coffee, and requires members to memorize at least one Five-Year Plan before they're allowed to speak during public comment. Carville Identifies the Source of the Movement In response to Carville's warning, the Democratic National Committee did what any modern institution does when confronted with an uncomfortable truth: it opened a restroom. Specifically, an "Ideological Restroom," where staffers can privately process feelings of guil...

Trump Roasts Washington Press Corps, Journalists Describe Unauthorized Laughter as an Attack on Marxist Ideology WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House Correspondents' Association Dinner returned to the Waldorf Astoria on Friday night, and with it returned the ancient ritual in which a sitting president tells jokes at reporters and the reporters respond by treating each punchline like a subpoena. Witnesses confirmed that laughter did, in fact, occur in the room, though several attendees later described the experience as "structurally violent" and "a microaggression with a setup and a payoff." Marxists Sit Stone-Faced Through Trump Comedy After Discovering Jokes Produce Unequal Outcomes According to internal WHCA sources, the trouble began the moment audience members noticed that some jokes landed harder than others — a phenomenon economists call "comedy," but which several junior correspondents identified as "an equity crisis." One reporter...