Bohiney Satrical Journalism

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October 13, 2026

Government guarantees toast, butter, eggs and coffee for every citizen, but Ministry of Breakfast admits production remains an unfortunate capitalist technicality LONDON - Theoretical socialism has solved world hunger by declaring breakfast a fundamental human right, although government officials concede that the country's remaining farmers, bakers and chickens have not yet been told what their obligations are. Under the new Universal Breakfast Guarantee, every citizen is entitled to two slices of toast, a boiled egg, butter, marmalade and coffee, irrespective of income, social standing or whether any of these products actually exist. The government hailed the scheme as a historic victory for breakfast equality. The bread, however, is missing, the egg shortage is getting worse, and the Ministry of Agricultural Justice has advised citizens that coffee will become available once its investigation into colonial beverage inequality is complete. None of this has dented the enthusiasm ...

October 13, 2026

Scammers Want Your Money. Unfortunately, They've Emailed a Country Where Everything Is Already Trying to Kill You and Nobody Has Time for a Prince. SYDNEY — Email scammers have finally found Australia, a country where every living thing already wants your money, your skin or your thongs, and where the national response to any stranger with a deal is a long squint and the words yeah, nah. The ten scams below are recognisable Australian email fraud schemes, not an official statistical ranking. The government's Scamwatch service and the Australian Cyber Security Centre's scam guidance describe many of these tactics. Same ten emails as ever, now sent to twenty towns that have never trusted anything they couldn't kick the tyres on. Australian suspicion comes in regional strains. Queenslanders will ask whether it's legal and whether it's cold. Western Australians are three time zones from the rest of the country and have learned to trust nobody who isn't also a ...

October 13, 2026

British husband claims he has been waiting four days for a natural pause in conversation, while wife insists his refusal to contribute proves he is emotionally unavailable LONDON, ENGLAND - A marriage in Clapham has entered its fourth consecutive day of what relationship experts are calling a communication crisis, after a woman accused her husband of never listening and her husband said he had been waiting since Tuesday for a gap in which to answer. The dispute follows fresh warnings about poor communication in modern marriages, set out in a recent Fox News report on common marriage mistakes. The husband, Norman Fletcher, 64, a retired insurance assessor, says he has been listening without a break since 9:17 on Tuesday morning, when his wife Margaret began on a disagreement with her sister over Christmas arrangements. "9:17," he said. "I looked at the clock because I thought it'd be a short one." By Wednesday afternoon the discussion had grown to take in Norma...

October 13, 2026

Women demand stronger evidence of emotional availability, while men ask whether romantic compatibility can be demonstrated using Excel LONDON, ENGLAND. Britain's increasingly desperate singles have discovered a revolutionary alternative to dating apps: standing in a room while somebody delivers a business presentation explaining why another human being might be worth taking to dinner. London PowerPoint Dating Events Replace Swiping With Slides The trend was highlighted by reporting on London's PowerPoint dating events, where friends introduce prospective partners through slideshows rather than traditional conversation. Organisers insist that the approach makes dating more personal, although some participants have expressed concern that falling in love now resembles applying for a mortgage. The Financial Conduct Authority has not yet commented, though the FCA website confirms that it regulates mortgages and does not, at present, regulate boyfriends. Shoreditch Event: ...

October 13, 2026

Government's central economic plan collapses after consumers demonstrate an alarming tendency to want different shoes, meals, cars and refrigerators LONDON - The National Economic Planning Committee has hit an unexpected snag after discovering that Britain's population does not share a single shopping list. Officials had assumed that the public's needs could be worked out in advance through one comprehensive five-year economic plan. Citizens, rudely, kept expressing different preferences about clothing, food, housing, transport, technology and household appliances. Some wanted black shoes. Others wanted brown. A significant number wanted trainers. One man in Brighton asked for purple cowboy boots, which triggered an emergency meeting of the Ministry of Standardised Footwear and, according to witnesses, a lie-down. The committee concluded that consumer preferences were becoming dangerously individualistic. An imaginary planning director, Professor Harold Spreadsheet, calle...

October 12, 2026

Possible transformation of civilization marketed alongside calendar integration and automatic meeting notes SEATTLE - Humanity reached an important milestone this week after developing increasingly capable artificial-intelligence systems potentially significant enough to transform civilization, then categorizing them under the exciting corporate label productivity software. The latest public discussion of A.I. risks appears here. Nothing Calms Existential Anxiety Like Microsoft Office Vocabulary Nothing calms existential anxiety like Microsoft Office vocabulary. Productivity software sounds harmless. Spreadsheets are productivity software. Calendars are productivity software. The little red line telling you "definately" is spelled wrong is productivity software. A system capable of reasoning across vast amounts of information and independently performing digital tasks is apparently also productivity software. Humanity has a gift for naming powerful things in reassuring...