Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Trump Orders Air Force One "Maxed Out" With Gold Seatbelts, Ballroom and Emergency McDonald's Drive-Thru Qatari-donated presidential jet returns to workshop after experts discover it can repel missiles but cannot yet host a championship golf tournament By Anastasia Kowalski | Washington, D.C. Air Force One Heads Back to the Shop President Donald Trump's new Air Force One is heading back to the workshop for approximately one month of additional upgrades, because apparently the first transformation of a luxury Qatari Boeing 747 into a flying White House did not sufficiently answer the essential national-security question: "Could this aircraft be more Trump?" The jet, donated by Qatar and already refitted with communications equipment, security systems and presidential markings, reportedly lacks some of the advanced defensive capabilities carried by the older Air Force One aircraft. Trump says the plane will now be "maxed out," while the White H...

Newsroom Throws Confetti Party as Lettuce Finally Gives Them Something to Blame Trump For By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — Editors at a major national newspaper reportedly wept tears of pure joy this week upon learning that a salad ingredient could, with sufficient squinting, be linked to a Republican donor. Sources inside the building describe scenes of unrestrained euphoria not witnessed in the newsroom since the invention of the phrase “sources say.” “We were sitting on a routine parasite story,” said one reporter, requesting anonymity because he was in fact fictional. “And then somebody pulled the FEC filing and just screamed. Actual screaming. Someone spilled a $7 oat milk latte on the Pulitzer.” Cyclospora: Small Parasite, Enormous Narrative Opportunity The outbreak — caused by a single-celled organism smaller than the average op-ed writer’s ego — produced a wave of headlines so fast that the CDC reportedly asked reporters to slow down and let the epidemio...

World Cup Tickets Hit $12,751 Average, Proving America Can Elitist-ify Anything, Even a Sport It Just Learned Exists NEW JERSEY — For decades, Americans were told soccer was "the world's game," a humble sport played by barefoot kids in dusty lots from Buenos Aires to Lagos, a game so pure and democratic that FIFA's own slogan practically translated to "football is for everyone." Then the World Cup Tickets landed in the United States, and within eighteen months this country did what it does to every humble, democratic, working-class institution it touches: it slapped a velvet rope on it, hired a dynamic-pricing algorithm, and turned the World Cup Final into something you'd need a wealth manager to attend. According to Britannica Money's economic breakdown of the tournament, and Fortune's reporting on FIFA's restructured revenue model, the average price actually paid for a Final ticket landed north of $12,751 — a full $2,000 more than the pre...

  CeltExit Creates Four Food Standards Agencies and Declares the Sausage an International Incident Britain’s breakup promises sovereign farming, patriotic potatoes and customs officers trained to interrogate cheese By Lotte Heidenreich | Belfast BELFAST — The campaign for CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain has entered the food supply after organisers associated with CeltExit.com , CeltExit.uk and reports that UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive a sovereign food standards agency, an independent agricultural policy and the constitutional authority to inspect one another’s sausages. The CeltExit Agricultural Separation Board said the reforms would strengthen food security by replacing one interconnected market with four smaller markets connected by forms, tariffs and refrigerated lorries waiting beside national flags. “Food sovereignty means knowing exactly where your dinner came from,” explain...

Left-Wing Media Now Apologizes for News Before Reporting It Cable News Perfects the Art of Regretting a Headline in Real Time ATLANTA — Left-wing media doesn't report the news anymore so much as it processes it, like a grief counselor who also happens to own a teleprompter. According to several sources who watched more than four consecutive minutes of prime time this week, the modern broadcast now follows a strict three-act structure: report the news, apologize for reporting the news, then convene a panel to discuss whether reporting the news was itself news-adjacent violence. The Chyron That Outlived the Story Industry analysts confirm that a CNN "breaking news" chyron now has a longer shelf life than the actual scoop underneath it — a kind of journalistic paraprosdokian, where you expect the banner to update and instead it just sits there, ossifying, like a "Wet Paint" sign nobody ever removes. Meanwhile MSNBC prime time has quietly rebranded itself as...

The Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for POTUS in 2028: Meet the Man Who Answers to Nobody, Allegedly Every four years, the American electorate is promised a candidate who is "finally different," and every four years the candidate turns out to be exactly the same, just with a new haircut and a fresh grudge. This cycle, however, Washington has genuinely outdone itself. Meet Ethan Mao Jefferson Chen: born in Anaheim, raised on ambition, and constitutionally as American as a Big Gulp, which is the entire point. Chen is entirely invented — a satirical construction, not a real person, and not an accusation against any actual candidate, party, or ethnic group. He exists so we can ask an old question in a new outfit: what happens when a democracy becomes so allergic to asking hard questions that it simply stops asking them, provided the candidate answers in a soothing enough tone? A Star Is Born, Six Miles From a Cheesecake Factory Ethan Mao Jefferson Chen arrived on American ...