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SAVE Database: Washington Discovers the Search Button Nation Stunned as Federal Computers Discover They Can Retrieve Information Already Stored Inside Them WASHINGTON — American technological leadership entered a breathtaking new era Friday when Washington discovered an election-security innovation so advanced that experts initially assumed it had arrived from the year 2187: checking whether somebody is eligible before accepting the person as eligible. The breakthrough followed a September 25 Supreme Court order allowing the Trump administration, for now, to resume expanded use of the federal SAVE database while litigation continues. The system can help states check citizenship information associated with people on voter rolls, including through Social Security Administration data and bulk searches. The development represents a historic departure from the traditional federal method of collecting enormous quantities of information and then behaving as though each agency buried its c...
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Texas Star Colin Simmons Condemns “Look at Me” Society After Personally Introducing 102,000 People to His Imaginary Urinal Longhorns defensive star records five sacks, one bathroom pantomime and the fastest transition from All-American to rest-stop performance artist in recent SEC history. The richest comic seam here is Colin Simmons himself: a Communication & Leadership major, national award candidate, elite pass rusher and, for several unforgettable seconds Saturday, a man apparently determined to turn Neyland Stadium into Buc-ee’s without the brisket. Simmons carries an On3 NIL Valuation of $2.5 million, a figure that describes his projected annual market value rather than a reported salary or contract. That is still plenty of money for our comic purposes. At $2.5 million, somebody can presumably afford an actual restroom. Colin Simmons Introduces the Nation’s First $2.5 Million Restroom Mime KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Civilization Survives Another Saturday. America gathered Sat...
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Mole People Are Real: New York Finally Discovers a Workforce Willing to Commute Below the Subway Two alleged sewer scavengers were arrested after emerging from beneath Manhattan, forcing scientists to reconsider whether New Yorkers have finally evolved around rent, traffic and $19 cocktails NEW YORK — The New York Post reports that two men were arrested after authorities linked them to trips into New York City's sewer system allegedly searching for gold, jewelry, scrap metal and anything else valuable enough to justify voluntarily entering a New York sewer. Police identified the men as Kevin Rodriguez and Samuel Reveron and charged them with trespass and conspiracy. ABC7 reported that investigators said the pair told detectives they went underground looking for valuables washed into drains. And therefore civilization must confront the obvious conclusion: mole people are real. Not metaphorical mole people. Not internet mole people. Not people who spend three consecutive days pla...
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A new UK-US defence AI partnership meets its toughest opponent yet: British procurement paperwork LONDON - Britain and the United States have announced a defence AI collaboration aimed at accelerating military applications of trusted and interoperable artificial-intelligence technology. Artificial intelligence has finally met its greatest challenge. Not protein folding. Not autonomous robotics. Not nuclear physics. British procurement. The Americans may provide extraordinary machine-learning systems capable of analysing battlefields, coordinating logistics and identifying threats. Then the software encounters Form MOD-7718-B. The screen goes black. AI: "I require additional compute." Official: "Why?" AI: "I am attempting to understand why replacement radios require fourteen approval committees." Official: "That's normal." AI: "I have become self-aware solely to resign." Britain has a proud history of excellent military personnel o...
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Burnham returns from Labour's conference to a Budget, a welfare bill, an energy crunch and the Chagos question all waiting on the desk LONDON - As Andy Burnham heads into his first Labour conference as prime minister, his government faces difficult decisions involving the economy, welfare spending, energy policy, the Chagos Islands and the October Budget. The honeymoon is ending. This is the moment every new government eventually encounters. Campaign: "We have a plan." Government: "We have discovered several additional numbers." Politics is wonderful when conducted from opposition. Every problem has obvious solution. NHS waiting lists? Fix them. Housing shortage? Build houses. Energy expensive? Reduce bills. Taxes high? Support working people. Debt high? Be fiscally responsible. Then you enter Treasury and an official places seventeen folders on desk. "Choose." "Choose what?" "Which promise disappoints whom." Welcome to government...
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Labour's five-way progressive voter map turns the electorate into a supermarket loyalty scheme, one focus group at a time LONDON - Recent polling and Labour analysis have focused on five categories of what researchers describe as a "progressive majority," with sharply different views on immigration, climate, living costs and political trust. Five progressive voter types. At last, British democracy has become a supermarket loyalty programme. Political strategists can now stop meeting actual people and instead discuss demographic creatures with names such as "Rooted Traditionalists," "Quiet Persuadables" and "Open-Hearted Idealists." Nobody in human history has introduced himself at a pub by saying, "Hello, I'm Keith, a Quiet Persuadable." Keith says he drives a van. Only later does a consultancy in Shoreditch discover he is actually a Cost-Sensitive Civic Pragmatist with Moderate Institutional Distrust. This is how modern polit...
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A leak of Curaçao gambling files exposes ownership and licensing secrets behind thousands of offshore betting websites WILLEMSTAD - A major leak of files from Curaçao's gambling regulator has exposed licensing, ownership and financial information involving hundreds of offshore gambling companies and thousands of websites. This shocking revelation has confirmed what gamblers everywhere feared. Online casinos may be interested in money. Investigators discovered complicated ownership structures, regulatory questions and offshore entities. Customers responded: "Wait. The company called MegaCryptoLuckyBet777 registered on a Caribbean island might not be operating from Wolverhampton?" Apparently not. Online gambling achieved something extraordinary. It took the casino, historically a building designed to remove money from people under chandeliers, and removed the chandelier. Now you can lose £300 sitting beside laundry. Progress. Offshore operators can be particularly difficu...
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