Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Trump Roasts Washington Press Corps, Journalists Describe Unauthorized Laughter as an Attack on Marxist Ideology WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House Correspondents' Association Dinner returned to the Waldorf Astoria on Friday night, and with it returned the ancient ritual in which a sitting president tells jokes at reporters and the reporters respond by treating each punchline like a subpoena. Witnesses confirmed that laughter did, in fact, occur in the room, though several attendees later described the experience as "structurally violent" and "a microaggression with a setup and a payoff." Marxists Sit Stone-Faced Through Trump Comedy After Discovering Jokes Produce Unequal Outcomes According to internal WHCA sources, the trouble began the moment audience members noticed that some jokes landed harder than others — a phenomenon economists call "comedy," but which several junior correspondents identified as "an equity crisis." One reporter...

Trump Didn't Ask Us... By the Bohiney.com Staff — featuring Bob Odenkirk, Annika Steinmann, Megan Amram, and Doaa El-Adl The staff of Bohiney.com gathered first thing Saturday morning, the way we do every week to hammer out headlines for the weekend edition. Except this time nobody wanted to talk about headlines. Everybody wanted to talk about the jokes that got away. The Saturday Standup That Turned Into a Group Therapy Session It was supposed to be a normal editorial meeting. Coffee, bagels, somebody complaining about the printer. Instead, six grown adults sat around a folding table in a converted garage in Van Nuys and relitigated a comedy set none of us wrote, for a dinner none of us were invited to, delivered by a man who has never once called us for material. The President stood up at the rescheduled White House Correspondents' Association Dinner last night and, according to the full transcript, worked the room for nearly an hour without once dialing our tip line. Not...

International Community Demands Israel Stop Entrenching Gaza, Schedules Discussion Behind Several Security Barriers Diplomats condemn Israel's enormous earthen boundary from a secure conference compound protected by fences, checkpoints, armed guards and a receptionist named Klaus JERUSALEM — The international community has demanded that Israel reconsider building a miles-long earthen barrier inside Gaza, announcing its concern during an emergency meeting held behind three steel fences, two concrete walls, airport-style screening and a security desk that confiscated a journalist's yoghurt because it exceeded the permitted liquid allowance. Israel says the barrier is intended to clarify the loosely defined "yellow line" established under the ceasefire arrangement and reduce dangerous encounters, while critics fear that the earthwork could make Gaza's present division increasingly permanent. Satellite imagery reviewed by the Associated Press shows the barrier ext...

Trump Orders Air Force One "Maxed Out" With Gold Seatbelts, Ballroom and Emergency McDonald's Drive-Thru Qatari-donated presidential jet returns to workshop after experts discover it can repel missiles but cannot yet host a championship golf tournament By Anastasia Kowalski | Washington, D.C. Air Force One Heads Back to the Shop President Donald Trump's new Air Force One is heading back to the workshop for approximately one month of additional upgrades, because apparently the first transformation of a luxury Qatari Boeing 747 into a flying White House did not sufficiently answer the essential national-security question: "Could this aircraft be more Trump?" The jet, donated by Qatar and already refitted with communications equipment, security systems and presidential markings, reportedly lacks some of the advanced defensive capabilities carried by the older Air Force One aircraft. Trump says the plane will now be "maxed out," while the White H...

Newsroom Throws Confetti Party as Lettuce Finally Gives Them Something to Blame Trump For By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — Editors at a major national newspaper reportedly wept tears of pure joy this week upon learning that a salad ingredient could, with sufficient squinting, be linked to a Republican donor. Sources inside the building describe scenes of unrestrained euphoria not witnessed in the newsroom since the invention of the phrase “sources say.” “We were sitting on a routine parasite story,” said one reporter, requesting anonymity because he was in fact fictional. “And then somebody pulled the FEC filing and just screamed. Actual screaming. Someone spilled a $7 oat milk latte on the Pulitzer.” Cyclospora: Small Parasite, Enormous Narrative Opportunity The outbreak — caused by a single-celled organism smaller than the average op-ed writer’s ego — produced a wave of headlines so fast that the CDC reportedly asked reporters to slow down and let the epidemio...

World Cup Tickets Hit $12,751 Average, Proving America Can Elitist-ify Anything, Even a Sport It Just Learned Exists NEW JERSEY — For decades, Americans were told soccer was "the world's game," a humble sport played by barefoot kids in dusty lots from Buenos Aires to Lagos, a game so pure and democratic that FIFA's own slogan practically translated to "football is for everyone." Then the World Cup Tickets landed in the United States, and within eighteen months this country did what it does to every humble, democratic, working-class institution it touches: it slapped a velvet rope on it, hired a dynamic-pricing algorithm, and turned the World Cup Final into something you'd need a wealth manager to attend. According to Britannica Money's economic breakdown of the tournament, and Fortune's reporting on FIFA's restructured revenue model, the average price actually paid for a Final ticket landed north of $12,751 — a full $2,000 more than the pre...