Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Median salary hits £40,911. Nobody can find it. LONDON, October 24, 2026 - Britain's working population received another encouraging economic announcement this week: their salaries are rising at the slowest annual rate since 2021, but the government has avoided the embarrassment of letting ordinary people become noticeably wealthier. According to Reuters' October 22 report on slowing British wage growth, median annual full-time earnings increased 4.5% to £40,911 in the year to April 2026, compared with 4.6% the previous year. The difference is only one-tenth of a percentage point, but in Westminster even a decimal point can be promoted to a national economic achievement if somebody gives it a ministerial title. For British workers, the announcement raises a familiar question: if their income keeps going up, why does their standard of living still need financial assistance from their parents, an understanding landlord and a suspiciously generous overdraft? Prime Minister Andy ...

Revolutionary solidarity, he learns, does not cover plate glass MILAN - A shopkeeper has thanked anti-capitalist rioters for accelerating his financial education, saying that one broken window had taught him more about risk, incentives and public order than several years of panel discussions about inclusive urban economies. "Before this, I thought my accountant was excessively pessimistic," he said, standing beside an opening formerly occupied by expensive glass. "Now I understand he was simply preparing accounts for people who had met the public." The shopkeeper had previously considered himself politically moderate. He believed employees should be paid properly, customers should receive decent service and the front of a shop should remain attached to the shop. Following an evening of revolutionary outreach, the third position had become his overriding electoral concern. Milan Riot Damage and the Shopkeeper's Balance Sheet Across the city centre, Brussels...

Species that cannot coordinate boarding an airplane remains strangely confident about supervising superintelligence BOSTON - Scientists concerned that advanced artificial intelligence could eventually escape human control received comforting news Saturday when humanity clarified that human control has largely been theoretical for centuries. The discussion follows renewed concern about A.I. risks outlined here. Researchers have warned that increasingly capable systems may someday behave in ways humans cannot predict or restrain. Ordinary people responded by pointing toward traffic. "Control?" asked Boston commuter Sheila Morris. "Have you seen a four-way stop?" Morris then watched two SUVs, a delivery truck and a man on an electric bicycle simultaneously claim right-of-way under four completely different interpretations of constitutional law. Scientists conceded that she had a point. Humanity's Long History of Losing Control For generations, civilization h...

Britain's safest building is the one nobody is allowed to repair. LONDON, 19 October 2026. Residents of a north London tower block have spent more than six years living behind scaffolding while waiting for essential building repairs, after Britain's building safety bureaucracy achieved its greatest administrative accomplishment: preventing potentially dangerous work from starting by making sure no work starts at all. Archway Heights Residents Wait on Post-Grenfell Cladding Repairs The situation at Archway Heights, a nine-storey residential building, was detailed in The Guardian's investigation into delayed post-Grenfell cladding repairs. Residents report blocked sunlight, security concerns and continuing delays while cladding replacement work awaits regulatory approval. The scaffolding has been standing since 2020, which makes it one of the longest-serving structures in modern British housing policy. It has survived multiple political administrations, economic crises,...

Duchess speaks, police investigate, newspapers convict LONDON, October 24, 2026 - Meghan Markle has called for justice and the protection of innocent children following allegations against her estranged father, Thomas Markle Sr., prompting renewed interest in an old legal principle under which investigators establish what happened before everyone else announces what it means. In a statement sent to CBS News, the Duchess of Sussex said she was "deeply distressed" and hoped justice would be fully served, with the safety of children remaining the priority. The allegations first appeared in Britain's Sun newspaper, which reported that Thomas Markle Jr. had gone to authorities in the Philippines claiming he found child sexual abuse material among his father's belongings. Philippine justice officials have confirmed that an anti-trafficking task force is investigating the matter, and the FBI says it is aware of the allegations. Thomas Markle Sr., 82, denies the accusation...

President Finds Brief Respite From Resignation Demands in Doha PARIS, October 22, 2026 - President Emmanuel Macron has been accused of abandoning France during its latest outbreak of political unrest, prompting renewed speculation that he travelled to the Middle East not just to negotiate energy agreements but also to enjoy the increasingly rare sensation of sitting in a room where nobody was demanding his immediate resignation. Macron was conducting diplomatic business in Qatar on Wednesday when he promised to prevent a repeat of the October 17 violence during demonstrations scheduled for Saturday, October 24, as reported by the New York Post. Meanwhile, the French government was preparing an increased security response, and Prime Minister Sébastien Lecornu was meeting union representatives. For militant socialist organizers, the president's overseas location offered definitive proof that he had abandoned his domestic responsibilities. His presence at international meetings was ...