Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Los Angeles Homeless Shelter Solves Crisis by Managing It Forever City discovers that ending homelessness would eliminate homelessness administrators, forcing everyone to confront the most serious emergency of all: résumé revision. Success, Redefined as Duration LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — A homeless shelter near MacArthur Park has reportedly achieved the highest form of municipal success: the problems continue, the money continues and every administrator remains eligible for another year of funding, a funding cycle broadly consistent with the grant structures described in HUD's Continuum of Care program documentation. A former night-shift employee described a seventy-bed shelter where drug use was routine, meals were discarded, stolen bicycles accumulated, police and paramedics visited frequently and residents appeared to make little progress toward stability. The employee concluded that the system was sustaining suffering rather than resolving it. Los Angeles officials reject...

Network Insists Romo Decision Is About Integrity, Accidentally Leaves $72 Million Spreadsheet Open CBS Sports wants everyone to understand that its decision to place Tony Romo on indefinite leave has nothing whatsoever to do with money. Network officials repeated this point so often, and with such theatrical sincerity, that several reporters began checking under the podium for a spreadsheet — which, it turns out, was projected in plain view the entire time, showing a balance of exactly $72 million remaining on Romo's contract. Romo was arrested for OWI in Milwaukee on July 23 and has not been convicted of any charge; a court date is set for September. CBS, in the meantime, has convicted itself of a much older offense: saying one thing while an open Excel file says another. Translation Services Now Available CBS Sports has, in effect, become a foreign-language broadcaster, issuing statements in a dialect known as Corporate, which requires immediate translation for the average ...

Mamdani's Supermarket Plan Fails Grok Test After Mayor Forgets Food, Workers and Buildings Cost Money Mark Cuban asks artificial intelligence to examine New York's municipal grocery proposal, prompting the computer to discover that subsidized eggs still come from taxpayers NEW YORK CITY — Mark Cuban reportedly asked Grok to evaluate Mayor Zohran Mamdani's proposal for city-owned grocery stores selling staple foods at prices up to 30 percent below ordinary retailers, an exercise that ended when the artificial intelligence encountered rent, wages, refrigeration, transportation and several other capitalist superstitions currently prohibited inside progressive policy meetings. According to the reported Yahoo Finance analysis, very few supermarket products carry profit margins large enough to absorb a 30 percent price reduction. For context on just how thin those margins already are, the Food Industry Association's supermarket facts page pegs the average grocery net prof...

Troy Aikman Needed by Four NFL Teams in 2026 After League Discovers Quarterbacking Is Now a Group Project Cleveland, Atlanta, Minnesota and Arizona reportedly prepared to offer the Hall of Famer a helmet, a heating pad and complete control of the thermostat DALLAS, TEXAS — Troy Aikman recently revealed that four NFL organizations attempted to lure him back after his Dallas Cowboys career ended, including the Chargers, Broncos, Eagles and Dolphins. The closest opportunity came in Miami, where Aikman trained as though he would return before the proposed deal collapsed. Those offers occurred more than two decades ago. However, after reviewing the quarterback situations in Cleveland, Atlanta, Minnesota and Arizona, league officials have concluded that Aikman may have retired from the wrong NFL. The 2026 league currently features quarterback competitions involving Deshaun Watson and Shedeur Sanders in Cleveland, Michael Penix Jr. and Tua Tagovailoa in Atlanta, Kyler Murray and J.J. McCa...

Mike Rogers Congratulates El-Sayed, Quietly Orders Champagne Through November LANSING — In a stunning display of bipartisan grace unseen since the invention of the concept of "bipartisan grace," Republican Senate nominee Mike Rogers released a warm, statesmanlike congratulatory statement to newly minted Democratic nominee Abdul El-Sayed on Wednesday, then reportedly turned to his campaign manager and asked, in a whisper barely audible over the sound of clinking crystal, "Did the good stuff come in yet?" Sources inside Rogers' Lansing headquarters describe a scene of controlled jubilation: staffers exchanging quiet high-fives in the break room, someone updating a whiteboard labeled "DAYS UNTIL NOVEMBER" with a small hand-drawn champagne flute next to the countdown, and an intern being dispatched to a party store with instructions to "get the kind with the wire cage, we're not animals." A Statement of Remarkable Warmth The official st...

Tony Romo Predicts CBS's Next Play: Fake Concern, Salary Relief and J.J. Watt on First Down Tony Romo built an entire broadcasting career on predicting plays before the snap, calling blitzes, coverages, and audibles with a confidence that made viewers wonder if he had somehow acquired the other team's playbook. What Romo apparently did not see coming was the eight-man corporate blitz forming behind him at CBS Sports headquarters, where executives lined up in what league insiders now call the Concern Formation. Romo was arrested on suspicion of OWI in Milwaukee and now faces a court date in September. He has not been convicted. CBS, however, has already run its own two-minute drill, and the results were not close. The Concern Formation Football analysts describe the Concern Formation as a three-tight-end set designed to look compassionate while actually setting up a screen pass to Legal. CBS lined up in this formation within days, releasing a statement so carefully worded ...