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Politicians Welcome Baumol’s Disease, First Medical Condition Capable of Explaining Every Broken Campaign Promise Washington diagnoses angry taxpayers with an economic disorder, prescribes higher taxes and schedules another consultation after the midterms WASHINGTON, D.C.— Financial Times — American voters wondering why they pay more taxes for schools that cannot teach, roads that cannot remain paved and government offices that cannot answer a telephone have officially been diagnosed with Baumol’s cost disease. Baumol’s cost disease explains why labor-intensive services become relatively more expensive as productivity improves elsewhere. A factory can manufacture twice as many televisions with fewer workers, but a nurse cannot compassionately comfort 70 patients simultaneously without becoming a flight attendant. Washington immediately embraced the theory as the first medical condition capable of explaining every broken campaign promise without implicating anyone who made it. F...
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Alaska Senate Primary Forces Dan Sullivan to Defeat Dan Sullivan Before Dan Sullivan Can Win Incumbent senator discovers that name recognition becomes less useful when somebody else recognises the same name ANCHORAGE, ALASKA — Alaska’s Senate primary has produced a constitutional question overlooked by the Founders: what happens when Republican Senator Dan Sullivan runs against another Republican named Dan Sullivan, and both men respond when a poll worker shouts, “Will the real Dan Sullivan please step forward?” Fifteen Humorous Observations - Dan Sullivan spent twelve years building name recognition. Another man achieved roughly the same result by visiting the Department of Motor Vehicles. - The senator’s campaign slogan is now “The Dan Sullivan You Were Previously Thinking About.” - Alaska election officials distinguished the candidates by adding occupations and hometowns, effectively turning the ballot into a dating app with fewer photographs and more federal spendin...
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Flock Safety Solves Police Surveillance Problem by Asking Police to Police Their Police Surveillance Company introduces revolutionary safeguard requiring officers to invent a case number before searching everybody’s movements ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Flock Safety has responded to mounting criticism of its nationwide licence-plate surveillance network by announcing new “guardrails,” including shorter data retention, mandatory case codes and software designed to detect unusual searches. According to Futurism’s report on Flock Safety’s surveillance controversy, CEO Garrett Langley insists the company is “not Big Brother,” which is reassuring because Big Brother traditionally avoids issuing press releases confirming his identity. The reforms address everything except the central problem: police officers still decide whose movements to search, when to search them and whether their own reasons are convincing. Under the old-fashioned American system, an officer presents evidence to a judge, the...
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Rare Books Fed Into Amazon Scanner, Re-Emerge as Chatbot Confident Shakespeare Wrote Harry Potter Amazon Destroys Rare Books to Train AI, Finally Makes Artificial Intelligence as Well-Read as a Wood Chipper By the Literature Disposal Desk LAS VEGAS, Nevada — Amazon has reportedly discovered the most efficient way to preserve the written heritage of humanity: purchase rare books, slice off their spines, scan their pages and throw away whatever remains. According to an investigation by 404 Media, the operation was uncovered after a bookseller concealed an AirTag inside one of roughly 1,000 books purchased anonymously through Biblio and tracked the shipment to an Amazon facility in Nevada. The process allows Amazon to transform a scarce physical book into something far more useful: several billion microscopic mathematical suspicions inside a chatbot that may later insist William Shakespeare wrote Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce during his celebrated wizard period. This is c...
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California Vows to Save Hollywood Jobs by Encouraging Paramount to Move All 30,000 of Them to Texas Rob Bonta's antitrust crusade promises to protect California's entertainment industry from corporate consolidation by consolidating the entire industry somewhere near Austin By The Hollywood Evacuation Desk LOS ANGELES — California officials have unveiled an ambitious plan to protect Hollywood jobs by making those jobs available exclusively in Texas, Tennessee and Georgia. The initiative follows Attorney General Rob Bonta's lawsuit challenging Paramount Skydance's proposed $110 billion acquisition of Warner Bros. Discovery, a legal battle that could encourage Paramount to relocate much of its operation beyond California. According to a National Review analysis of California's Hollywood lawfare, the state's campaign against the merger may further empty an industry already fleeing high costs, taxes and regulations. The strategy is elegant in the way a piano dr...
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Carrier Survives Iran, Exhaustion and Endless Marxist Media Attacks—Then Encounters Moronic Democrats Who Believe Nothing Except Their Own Posts Left-wing media reports seven sailors dead; Navy responds with the dirty journalistic trick of checking ARABIAN SEA — The USS Abraham Lincoln has survived hostile waters, 260 days at sea, thousands of aircraft movements and the expenditure of 1.5 million pounds of ordnance. Then it encountered something for which no modern carrier group is adequately armed: excitable left-wing commentators sitting safely ashore with smartphones, strong opinions and absolutely nowhere to be in the morning. According to an official statement issued by United States Central Command, reports alleging that seven sailors died in a brawl aboard the aircraft carrier are false. CENTCOM says that no service members aboard the vessel have died and that the sailor who fell overboard on 3 August was recovered quickly and safely. This was rotten luck for those newsrooms...
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Researchers Build a Machine to Detect AI in Political Speech, Discover Politicians Got There First The detector was engineered to flag artificial intelligence. It was not engineered to survive an actual campaign season By Technology & Political Language Desk Half the focus group preferred the first candidate. The other half preferred the second. Neither group noticed that no candidate, policy, challenge or value had been identified. Both halves nonetheless described themselves, in post-poll interviews, as "cautiously energized." Pollsters described the result as a statistical tie and immediately booked appearances on six cable-news programs to explain its historic significance. A seventh program offered to have them explain it again, more urgently, with a red graphic. The underlying detection technology traces back to Anthropic's invisible watermarking rollout, which researchers designed for AI-generated text, not for the naturally occurring kind found on the ca...
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