Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Bernie Sanders Replacement for Platner Too Conservative to Have Ever Dated Anyone Maine Democrats Discover Their Revolutionary Candidate Has Apparently Held Opinions Before Tuesday AUGUSTA, Maine. In a development that has left progressive activists rifling through old filing cabinets for the emergency "Context Matters" binder, Maine Democrats are rallying behind former Senate President Troy Jackson, the Bernie Sanders–aligned logger now positioned to replace Graham Platner atop the ticket. Jackson's earlier political statements have become the most awkward reunion since somebody discovered an old MySpace profile at Thanksgiving. Party officials insist Jackson's journey demonstrates "growth," a term they now define as having once held opinions that would require a three-hour podcast apology to fully unpack. Democrats have found their new axe to grind, and, fittingly, the man swinging it spent decades felling actual trees along the Canadian border. Demo...

Federal Reserve Introduces 'Move Fast and Break the Monetary System' Initiative The Federal Reserve announced this week that it is officially rebooting itself like a struggling Silicon Valley startup, complete with a new mission statement, a rebrand, and an open-plan office where the discount rate is now decided by whoever gets to the whiteboard first. Move fast and break things. Or, in this case, move fast and break the things that used to buy things. Kevin Warsh Hires Marc Andreessen to Replace Interest Rates With Software Updates Incoming Fed Chair Kevin Warsh confirmed he has brought on venture capitalist Marc Andreessen as a "special monetary disruption consultant," tasked with replacing the federal funds rate with a rolling series of software patches. Under the new system, interest rates will no longer be announced eight times a year. Instead, they will be pushed silently overnight, and Americans will simply wake up to find their mortgage payments have chang...

  The Falkland Islands Problem: What Defending a Rock in the South Atlantic Actually Costs Britain maintains a permanent military garrison in the Falkland Islands—roughly 2,000 military personnel supporting approximately 3,500 civilian inhabitants. This represents a remarkable military commitment relative to the population protected: one soldier for every 2-3 civilians. The garrison includes air force personnel, naval support, and ground forces. Annual cost is roughly £500 million to £1 billion—a significant portion of total defence spending for a territory of 4,600 square miles and 3,500 people. The garrison exists because Argentina continues claiming sovereignty over the islands and because Britain conquered the islands militarily in 1982 and has maintained military control ever since. The garrison serves deterrence function: it announces to Argentina that Britain will defend the islands militarily. Argentina is unlikely to attempt reconquest given the garrison's presence, bu...

Former Warren Volunteer Attends Ayatollah's Funeral After Discovering American Freedom Wasn't Oppressive Enough Privileged progressive travels to Iran to praise the sort of government that would arrest privileged progressives BOHINEY NEWS SERVICE | Tehran A former Elizabeth Warren campaign volunteer has reportedly completed the traditional journey of the affluent American revolutionary: private education, progressive politics, social-media radicalization, relocation overseas, and finally an appearance on Iranian state television praising an authoritarian cleric. Calla Walsh, a 22-year-old American activist living in Lebanon, attended the funeral ceremonies for Iran's late supreme leader, Ali Khamenei, and told Iran's state-controlled PressTV that he was the "greatest anti-imperialist leader" of her lifetime. Walsh previously volunteered for Warren's 2020 presidential campaign and helped mobilize young voters for Massachusetts Senator Ed Markey. It is...

Trump Ranks #1 On Iran's Kill List, Says He'd Rather Be #1 On TikTok Somewhere between a NATO photo op, a six-day funeral, and a plane that apparently changes its mind about existing, President Donald J. Trump had quite the week of confirming, once again, that he is extremely famous and extremely aware of it. "I'm number one on the kill list for Iran," Trump told reporters, in the tone of a man announcing his Nielsen rating. "I don't really care because I'm doing my job. I like being number one on TikTok better, but I'm number one on the list for killing." Somewhere, a media consultant is drafting a slide titled "Engagement Metrics vs. Mortality Metrics" and quietly weeping. Call it algorithmic envy: the first known instance of a sitting president wishing his own assassination plot had better analytics. The $400 Million Napkin Sketch Lest anyone think Iranian tradecraft has gotten more sophisticated since the Soleimani strike, D...

White House Confirms Genius Plan To Confuse Iran Was Also Confusing To Everyone Else In a stunning display of strategic clarity, the White House this week revealed that the President's mysterious mid-flight plane swap over Europe was, in fact, a deliberate tactic to baffle enemy combatants — a mission officials are calling an unqualified success, given that it also baffled reporters, allies, aviation experts, and at least one former CIA director. "We use every tool at our disposal — including distraction and misdirection," said White House communications director Steven Cheung, in a statement that answered absolutely nothing while sounding like it answered everything, a rhetorical maneuver satirists can only describe as misdirection about misdirection. The Shell Game At 40,000 Feet The strategy, as best anyone can piece together, works like this: somewhere over the Atlantic, two nearly identical 747s are shuffled around like a Vegas street hustler's walnut shells,...