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NYC Bagel Shops Introduce Surge Pricing

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Demand-based schmear According to reports , bagel shops across New York have adopted Uber-style surge pricing, with sesame costing double during Sunday brunch and everything bagels hitting $8 when tourists swarm. Cream cheese is now a “premium add-on.” One deli worker explained: “You want scallion schmear at 9 a.m.? That’ll cost more than your rent.” Locals are outraged, timing breakfast to avoid “lox rush hour.” Apps now show real-time bagel prices by borough, with Staten Island oddly cheapest. Tourists shrug, already spending $25 for bottled water in Times Square. Bagel scalpers have been spotted reselling poppy seeds outside Penn Station. TikTok’s #SurgeBagel trend is rolling: influencers crying while paying $14 for an everything, pranksters ordering plain bagels just to resell toppings, and one viral clip of a guy auctioning off a cinnamon raisin like it was Sotheby’s. Finance bros call it “carb capitalism at work.” Tabloids toasted the news . The Post wrote: “BAGEL BUST.” Th...
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Armie Hammer

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Armie Hammer: Celebrity Accountability or Just “Being a Dick”? Where Armie Hammer Stumbles Into the PR Abyss The Public Confession Gone Wrong Armie Hammer’s recent comments—where he admits to “being a dick to women” but swiftly clarifies that being a dick isn’t illegal —have left the internet scratching its collective head and wondering: did we just witness the most nonchalant PR disaster in modern history ? Or is Hammer secretly training for a new role as a human rights lawyer defending all dicks who aren’t technically breaking the law? After all, who among us hasn’t thought, Sure, I’ve made mistakes. But at least I’m not a convicted felon. This is the logic Hammer boldly presents, wrapped in the suave packaging of a once-rising Hollywood star trying to exit the cultural courtroom with a shrug and a smirk. Being a dick might not be illegal, but it’s definitely grounds for losing a group chat invite. — Katy Room From Apology to Defense Attorney: Hammer’s Curious Pivot Mos...
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MTA Announces Nap Cars

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Snooze on the subway According to reports , the MTA has introduced “Nap Cars” on select subway lines, padded with mattresses, lavender-scented air, and white noise machines set to distant taxi honks. Officials say the initiative will help exhausted New Yorkers catch shuteye between delays. Riders get a 30-minute nap token with their MetroCard swipe. Commuters are torn. Some praise the chance to nap without fear of drooling on strangers, while others fear missing their stop mid-dream. “I dreamed I was in Queens but woke up in Coney Island,” sighed one rider, still clutching his pillow. Critics warn the cars will quickly turn into Airbnb units by Tuesday. TikTok’s #SubwayNap trend is snoozing viral: clips of people tucking in under MTA-branded quilts, pranksters sneaking alarm clocks into cars, and one viral video of a guy sleepwalking into Times Square. Mattress companies are already bidding to sponsor nap car naming rights. Tabloids yawned. The Post snored: “NAP-TASTIC COMMUTE.” T...
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Gen Z Uses AI to Flood Courts with Frivolous Lawsuits

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Gen Z Uses AI to Flood Courts with Frivolous Lawsuits Against Trump AI-Powered Legal Shenanigans Leave Courts Scrambling Move over, professional lawyers—Gen Z has entered the legal chat, armed with AI and absolutely no law degrees. Across the country, overwhelmed courts are facing an avalanche of lawsuits, all targeting Donald Trump . The kicker? None of these self-proclaimed “legal eagles” have ever stepped foot in a law school. They just have chatbots , a lot of free time, and a questionable understanding of due process. From claims that Trump owes them back rent on their emotional well-being to lawsuits alleging he personally sabotaged their Wi-Fi connection in 2017, Gen Z is using AI tools like ChatGPT to craft airtight-looking legal documents. The paperwork is polished, professional, and sprinkled with just enough Latin phrases to sound legitimate. Judges are flummoxed. Is habeas corpus Latin for “he stole my vibes”? No one is quite sure anymore. “The AI wrote my entir...
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Queens Residents Launch Bagel Olympics

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Everything bagel decathlon According to reports , Queens has announced the world’s first “Bagel Olympics,” featuring events like fastest schmear, longest lox throw, and synchronized sesame chewing. Competitors hail from every borough, though Brooklyn insists it invented cream cheese hurdles. One referee said: “This is about carbs and glory.” Events are held at Flushing Meadows, with judges deducting points for weak toasting or insufficient schmear. The opening ceremony featured a bagel torch lit with jalapeño cream cheese. Tourists cheer wildly while locals debate whether pumpernickel counts as a real bagel. TikTok’s #BagelOlympics trend is spreading: influencers juggling bagels, pranksters smearing entire subway poles, and one viral video of a guy attempting to pole vault using a giant everything bagel. NBC is reportedly considering broadcasting highlights between Mets rain delays. Tabloids rolled with it. The Post headlined: “BATTLE OF THE BAGELS.” The Daily News countered: “CA...
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Vivica A. Fox was banned from Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Vivica A. Fox and Jimmy Kimmel’s 2005 Showdown In 2005, Vivica A. Fox found herself banned from Jimmy Kimmel Live! after an on-air confrontation with the host. The tension arose when Kimmel joked about Fox being a bridesmaid at her close friend Star Jones’ wedding. Fox called him out, leading to an awkward exchange. Kimmel, not wanting a repeat performance, decided to avoid future conflicts by banning Fox from the show. Years later, the two reconciled during a live event, bringing an end to the decade-long ban. Celebrities: The Glorious Saints of Meaningless Causes Once upon a time, celebrities knew their place—singing, acting, or falling down on live television during awards shows. These were simpler times when fame was limited to talent, charisma, or having a really solid publicist. Now, we live in the era where celebrities are more than performers; they’ve become our moral compasses, political strategists, dieticians, and relationship gurus. Truly, who better to guide us throug...
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Yankee Stadium Adds Yoga Classes

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Downward dog in the dugout According to reports , Yankee Stadium is introducing daily yoga sessions, where downward dog is performed in the dugout and warriors pose in the outfield. Fans are encouraged to “stretch before you heckle.” The first class ended when a Mets fan showed up in orange leggings and was booed into lotus position. Instructors chant “Om” while scoreboards flash “Namaste or Strike Out.” Vendors now sell kale smoothies instead of beer until the 7th-inning stretch. Players are skeptical—Aaron Judge reportedly pulled a hamstring attempting crow pose. But the Yankees marketing team insists it’s “mind-body-baseball synergy.” TikTok’s #YogaYankees bent trends: viral clips of grandmas meditating in pinstripes, pranksters balancing hot dogs in tree pose, and one video of a guy sneaking in a goat for “greatest of all time yoga.” Attendance is up, though half the fans nap in child’s pose by the third inning. Tabloids bent over backwards. The Post headlined: “YOGA YANKS.” ...
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