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Denver’s Mutant Magic Mushroom: The Snowball That Trips Back

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The Government Will Have No Idea How to Regulate This The government is still confused about weed. Imagine them trying to figure out what to do with cloud-shaped super-mushrooms . Congress will hold a six-hour debate just to figure out if a mushroom can be classified as a cloud or a vegetable. “The FDA will approve it in 2075—right after they finally figure out how to regulate vaping.” The Government Will Have No Idea How to Regulate This The U.S. government can barely regulate the things we already understand. Alcohol? Took them 13 years to figure out banning it was a mistake. Cannabis? Still debating whether it’s a gateway drug or just a way to make Trader Joe’s a billion-dollar empire. Now we’re throwing mutant cloud-shaped psychedelic mushrooms into the mix? Oh, we’re in for a show. Let’s be real—if you walked into Congress right now and tried to explain the Snowball mushroom , half the room would think it’s a winter sports drink, and the other half would assume it’s a new...
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Upper East Side Dogs Enroll in Prep School

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Poodles with homework According to reports , an elite prep school on the Upper East Side has launched a program for dogs. Tuition runs $42,000 a year, uniforms include cashmere sweaters, and classes range from “Advanced Fetch” to “Intro to Barkonomics.” “We wanted to give pups the Ivy League advantage,” said the headmaster, petting a golden retriever valedictorian. Parents are thrilled. “If my child doesn’t get into Yale, maybe the dachshund will,” said one socialite juggling a latte and a leash. Students must submit paw-written essays and undergo obedience interviews. The school mascot is, of course, a Labradoodle wearing a blazer. Controversy erupted when a bulldog plagiarized his essay by chewing up Shakespeare and regurgitating it on paper. Meanwhile, a Chihuahua staged a hunger strike after failing Latin. Alumni parents are already lobbying for college credit recognition at Columbia. TikTok’s #DogPrepSchool is trending: poodles taking standardized tests with Scantron chew toys...
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Clintons Agree to Incriminate Themselves

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Clintons Agree to Testify in Epstein Investigation: Congressional Theater Reaches Peak Performance A satirical look at America's favorite political soap opera The Financial Times  recently reported that Bill and Hillary Clinton have agreed to testify before the US Congress as part of the ongoing  congressional investigation  into Jeffrey Epstein. This satirical piece examines the spectacle of Washington's latest must-see hearing event. The Latest Chapter of Congressional Karaoke Media frenzy: News outlets spotlight the Clinton testimony in the ongoing Epstein congressional investigation. In a move that stunned exactly no one with a pulse, Bill and Hillary Clinton have agreed to testify before the  US Congress  as part of the ongoing investigation into Jeffrey Epstein. Yes, that's right, the duo formerly known for healthcare reform and international diplomacy are now the special guests on the investigative playlist everyone's talking about. "I love how every hearin...
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Billie Eilish Arrested for Real Estate Fraud!!!

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Billie Eilish Arrested for Real Estate Fraud Hours After Grammy Speech About Stolen Land Pop star Billie Eilish was taken into custody Monday morning on charges of real estate fraud and theft, in what legal experts are calling "the fastest case of ironic justice in Grammy Awards history." The arrest came approximately 18 hours after the singer declared "no one is illegal on stolen land" during her acceptance speech at the 68th Grammy Awards, while standing on what prosecutors now claim was illegally obtained property. Los Angeles County District Attorney investigators executed a warrant at Eilish's $3 million Hollywood Hills mansion early Monday, citing evidence that the property was acquired through fraudulent documentation and misrepresentation of land ownership rights. "The timing is purely coincidental," said Detective Maria Santos, unsuccessfully suppressing a smile. "We've been building this case for months. The Grammy speech just happen...
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Mission Indians Gabrieleno Tongva Tribe

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Tongva Tribe Demonstrates Masterclass in Diplomatic Patience Following Grammy Speech The San Gabriel Band of Mission Indians Gabrieleno Tongva tribe has issued what historians are calling "the most polite response in the history of celebrity virtue signaling" following Billie Eilish's Grammy Awards declaration that "no one is illegal on stolen land." The tribe confirmed that yes, they do appreciate the awareness, and also yes, the pop star's $3 million Hollywood Hills mansion is absolutely sitting on that stolen land she mentioned. During Sunday's  Grammy Awards ceremony , Eilish accepted the Song of the Year award for "Wildflower" while wearing an "ICE OUT" pin and delivering an impassioned statement about immigration enforcement. What she didn't mention specifically was the name of the Indigenous people whose ancestral territory includes her rather comfortable living situation, a detail the Tongva tribe noted with the diplomatic...
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“Free” Magic Mushrooms Amid Legal Ignorance

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Denver Business Offers “Free” Magic Mushrooms Amid Legal Fog: A Mushroom Trip or Trap? Mushrooms: The Latest “Free” Thing That Costs Everything The “Free” Model: Is It a Gift or a Trap? The business claims to offer magic mushrooms for free. But let’s be honest—there’s always a catch. Sure, the mushrooms might be “free,” but by the time you leave, you’ve probably donated enough to cover a down payment on a Tesla . It’s like those “free trial” gym memberships. No one ever cancels on time, and suddenly you’re a gold-level member at a gym you’ve never even visited. Some locals are convinced that these “free” fungi come with strings attached—possibly tied around your future court date. One eager mushroom recipient noted, “It felt like a gift from nature… until I saw the suggested donation list!” The mushrooms may be free, but explaining your trip to your family over Sunday brunch? That’ll cost you. “Free mushrooms? That’s like someone handing you free skydiving lessons but leaving out ...
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Queens Residents Demand Rent Payable in Pizza

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Slice-based economy According to reports , tenants in Queens have started demanding that rent payments be accepted in pizza slices instead of dollars. “If we’re already broke, at least let us be cheesy,” said one Astoria resident handing his landlord a greasy box of pepperoni. The movement, dubbed “Pizza for Rent,” is sweeping boroughs faster than a dollar slice joint at lunchtime. Landlords are divided. Some embrace it, setting monthly rent at “15 large pies, no pineapple.” Others balk, citing fluctuating cheese prices. One Jackson Heights landlord allegedly demanded “artisanal sourdough pies only, with burrata or no deal.” Rent strikes have evolved into pizza strikes. Instead of chanting, protesters toss slices frisbee-style at City Hall, where pigeons now hold nightly pizza feasts. Council members are forced to debate crust thicknesses instead of zoning regulations. “I didn’t run for office to argue about stuffed crust,” groaned one councilmember, dodging a slice mid-meeting. ...
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