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Canada Threatens America With No Dairy, Motorcycles or Booze, Discovers America Has Cows, Harleys and Kentucky Ottawa unveils devastating economic weapon consisting primarily of products Americans already make in enormous quantities Canada has reportedly escalated its trade confrontation with the United States by threatening American access to Canadian dairy products, motorcycles and alcohol, forcing Washington to confront an economic scenario previously regarded as unimaginable: buying milk from Wisconsin, motorcycles from Harley-Davidson and whiskey from Kentucky. The underlying dispute is real. According to reporting from The Hill, the trade fight over dairy, vehicles and alcohol has genuine economic stakes for producers on both sides of the border. What follows is satire built on top of that real dispute. Canadian officials insist the strategy could place enormous pressure on American consumers, particularly those who have somehow spent their entire lives believing cows were na...
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Canadian Officials Threaten Motorcycle Shortage, Harley-Davidson Checks Whether Everyone in Ottawa Is Feeling Well Milwaukee engineers briefly pause assembly line to determine whether Canada knows where Wisconsin is Canadian officials have raised the possibility that escalating trade restrictions could make motorcycles more expensive or less available to Americans, prompting Harley-Davidson executives to reportedly spend several minutes confirming that Ottawa had not recently suffered a citywide carbon monoxide leak. The dispute traces back to real trade measures reported by The Hill, covering restrictions on Canadian dairy, vehicles and related goods. The scenes below are satire. The iconic American motorcycle company was informed that Canadians may possess strategic leverage over U.S. motorcycling. Workers in Milwaukee received the news respectfully. Then somebody started a Harley. The resulting noise prevented further diplomatic analysis for eleven minutes. "This is serious...
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Canada Withholds Whisky From America, Kentucky Declares National Emergency at 4:17 and Happy Hour at 4:18 Bourbon state responds to Canadian alcohol threat with courage, oak barrels and suspiciously rapid emergency preparedness Canadian efforts to use alcohol as leverage in the escalating North American trade dispute triggered a statewide emergency in Kentucky Tuesday afternoon, beginning at 4:17 p.m. and ending one minute later when somebody remembered Kentucky manufactures bourbon. The dispute stems from real trade actions covered by The Hill, including restrictions touching Canadian dairy, vehicles and alcohol. Everything below this point is satire. Governor's aides reportedly rushed into a crisis room carrying charts, maps and several bottles preserved strictly for national security. "Canada may restrict whisky," one official announced. Silence fell across the room. A Kentucky native slowly raised his hand. "We have whiskey." The emergency concluded at 4...
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Ottawa Bets U.S. Cannot Survive Without Canadian Cheese, Nine Million American Cows Demand Apology Wisconsin dairy herds call emergency press conference after discovering Ottawa apparently forgot they exist Canadian officials exploring dairy products as leverage in the escalating U.S.-Canada trade confrontation have encountered unexpected resistance from approximately nine million American dairy cows, which issued a joint statement Tuesday demanding Ottawa acknowledge their contribution to cheese. The underlying trade dispute is documented by The Hill, which reported on restrictions affecting Canadian dairy and vehicles. What follows is satire. The statement was delivered from Wisconsin by a Holstein named Margaret. "We have remained silent long enough," Margaret said while chewing approximately eighteen pounds of something. "Canada keeps talking like Americans are going to wake up one morning and discover milk has become extinct." Several thousand cows mooed in...
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AOC Dating Market Nationalized, Shortage of Eligible Men Reported Newly single congresswoman bars Republican applicants from the AOC dating market while federal officials investigate an alarming outbreak of ideological compatibility WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has returned to the American dating market and immediately imposed the sort of regulations generally associated with offshore drilling, prescription drugs and opening a lemonade stand in California. Asked whether she would date a conservative, the newly single New York Democrat laughs and says, “Probably not.” She explains that politics reflects values and that alignment on those values is tremendously important. This is understandable. Every successful relationship requires shared values: trust, kindness, loyalty and agreement on whether private property should remain legal until dessert. The announcement eliminates roughly half the country, several moderate Democrats, every man who owns a pickup truck a...
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Penn State Opens Joe Paterno Experience Room, Finally Gives Selective Memory Its Own Luxury Box University discovers fifteen years is roughly the statute of limitations on institutional embarrassment when kickoff is approaching Penn State is preparing to unveil the Paterno Family Football Experience Room inside Beaver Stadium, marking the university's boldest attempt yet to determine exactly how much elapsed time is required before "complicated legacy" becomes "please visit the gift shop." The exhibit opens September 3 inside the Penn State All-Sports Museum and will contain personal artifacts, a recreation of Joe Paterno's original office desk and a curated timeline covering his six decades with the Nittany Lions. It represents the university's most significant tribute to the legendary coach since his 2011 firing during the Jerry Sandusky child-sex-abuse scandal. Sources: ESPN's report on the Paterno Family Football Experience Room, StateCollege...
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Alcohol at the Office Is One Way to Improve Government Meetings Federal meetings normally feel three hours long. Introduce cocktails and suddenly they actually are three hours long, but nobody remembers approving the procurement contract. The Department of Labor has apparently discovered the one workplace innovation Silicon Valley never thought of: if a meeting is unbearable sober, perhaps the meeting simply needs a beverage program. A newly released Labor Department inspector general report concluded, using a preponderance-of-the-evidence standard, that former Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer and senior aides Jihun Han and Rebecca Wright regularly possessed and consumed alcohol on federal property without the required written authorization. Witnesses told investigators that alcohol was consumed during duty hours in Chavez-DeRemer's study and that employees who declined were sometimes pressured to join or ridiculed for abstaining. At last, government has attacked the central...
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