Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Couple Who Resigned Discover They Like the Job Description NOTTINGHAM, England — Six years after leaving working royal life to seek freedom, privacy and a new beginning, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have returned to Britain and resumed the ancient British tradition of standing outside buildings while strangers take their photographs. Nottingham Charity Tour Looks Royal, Isn't Royal The couple's Nottingham charity tour included all the familiar royal ingredients: a carefully arranged itinerary, smiling crowds, flowers and photographers. The crucial difference was that it wasn't a royal tour. Officially, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex were private individuals supporting causes they care about. Around 50 people were reported outside Himmah alone, which is a respectable turnout for a private matter. This is what makes the comeback so exquisitely British. The nation has spent six years arguing that Harry and Meghan should stop acting like royals. Now that they have retur...

New Agency Compensates the Labor of Being American SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — American socialists have announced an ambitious plan to eliminate exhaustion by compensating citizens for experiencing it. The revolutionary proposal follows complaints from voters who say employment, family responsibilities, household chores and the general inconvenience of existing have become emotionally overwhelming. The National Exhaustion Compensation Act "People are tired," explained newly elected progressive assemblywoman Olivia Wellness. "They're tired of working, tired of paying bills, tired of commuting and tired of being told that solving these problems might require getting up tomorrow and trying again." Wellness believes exhaustion should be officially recognized as an economically productive activity. "Being tired is work," she explained. "Sometimes it's the only work people have the energy to do." Under the proposed National Exhaustion Compens...

Consultants Ask: Whom Would You Like to Blame? WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic campaign strategists have identified a remarkably efficient method of attracting frustrated Americans: Tell voters their problems are real, their anger is justified and there is absolutely no need to examine their own decisions. The strategy has allowed the party's progressive wing to transform ordinary household frustrations into national political emergencies. The Campaign Pitch: "You're Perfect. Your Landlord Is the Problem." "People don't want another lecture about budgeting, education or productivity," explained campaign adviser Martin Compassion. "They want a candidate who will look them in the eye and say, 'You're perfect. Your landlord is the problem.'" The message has proven especially attractive to voters who previously believed personal success required a complicated combination of opportunity, discipline and occasional good judgment. Campa...

Voters Ready to Speak to a Manager WASHINGTON, D.C. — Personal responsibility, one of America's oldest political traditions, has announced its retirement following a disappointing election in which millions of voters decided it was time to try something considerably easier. The concept, which helped generations of Americans establish businesses, build homes, raise families and occasionally read the instructions before assembling furniture, reportedly left public life without a farewell ceremony. "I've had a good run," Personal Responsibility explained through a spokesman. "But apparently everybody would rather speak to a manager." From Self-Reliance to Subpoenas: A Shift in National Expectations The retirement follows a remarkable ideological transformation in which personal achievement is increasingly treated as evidence of privilege, while personal disappointment qualifies as a potential federal funding opportunity. Political analysts describe the ch...

Voters Ready to Speak to a Manager WASHINGTON, D.C. — Personal responsibility, one of America's oldest political traditions, has announced its retirement following a disappointing election in which millions of voters decided it was time to try something considerably easier. The concept, which helped generations of Americans establish businesses, build homes, raise families and occasionally read the instructions before assembling furniture, reportedly left public life without a farewell ceremony. "I've had a good run," Personal Responsibility explained through a spokesman. "But apparently everybody would rather speak to a manager." From Self-Reliance to Subpoenas: A Shift in National Expectations The retirement follows a remarkable ideological transformation in which personal achievement is increasingly treated as evidence of privilege, while personal disappointment qualifies as a potential federal funding opportunity. Political analysts describe the ch...

Tesla and SpaceX slide as Democrats gain ground AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk discovered Tuesday night that Democrats have developed a revolutionary method of taxing billionaires without hiring IRS agents, rewriting the tax code, or enduring another congressional hearing about whether wealthy Americans pay their fair share. They simply win elections and allow Wall Street to panic. Tesla Falls 5% and SpaceX Drops 6% After Hours As Democratic candidates gained ground, Tesla shares fell approximately 5% in extended trading, while SpaceX dropped roughly 6%, according to Investor's Business Daily's election-night reporting on Tesla and SpaceX. The selling introduced an economic phenomenon analysts described as taxation by anticipation. Unlike traditional taxation, which requires legislation, bureaucrats, and several thousand pages of incomprehensible instructions, anticipation taxation requires only an election result and a billionaire with publicly traded shares. No government ac...