Bohiney Satrical Journalism

The Auditor's Perspective: Matthew 7:3 Exposes a Nation That Can Inspect a Parking Ticket but Cannot Finish Its Own Accounts LONDON, ENGLAND: Local government auditors have reported an alarming increase in the number of public officials suffering from a condition known as Selective Financial Vision. The disorder allows sufferers to identify a £3 discrepancy in a resident's payment while remaining remarkably untroubled by millions of pounds in unresolved accounting questions. Medical professionals have declined to recognise the condition as a disease. Council leaders have consequently requested £14 million for further research. The condition was discovered during a routine examination of municipal financial records. Auditors noticed that local authorities frequently demanded impeccable paperwork from businesses and residents while struggling with a national backlog of their own audited accounts. In one case, a small-business owner was instructed to provide six separate documen...

Republic Found to Have Two Executive Offices PARIS, October 22, 2026 - French left-wing protesters have demanded that President Emmanuel Macron immediately abandon his Middle Eastern diplomatic mission and return to Paris to personally supervise domestic government operations, apparently under the impression that the French Constitution contains only one job description. Macron's trip, undertaken amid the recent unrest and concerns about fuel prices, prompted criticism from political opponents who considered his absence inappropriate during a national emergency. Why France Has a President and a Prime Minister The difficulty is that France possesses a president, a prime minister, a cabinet, regional officials, police authorities and an impressive number of administrators who are theoretically capable of performing duties without presidential supervision. Under Articles 20 and 21 of the French Constitution, the government determines national policy while the prime minister dire...

The White House suspects a postal error. WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Donald Trump has ordered an emergency investigation into whether Iran has been properly notified of its overwhelming military defeat, after the disturbing discovery that the Iranian regime keeps fighting despite months of American victories, destroyed military equipment and White House announcements enthusiastic enough to convince nearly everyone except Iran. The confusion follows an October 16 Christian Science Monitor investigation into America's military victories and the difficulty of ending the Iran war, which raised the uncomfortable possibility that the United States can win every important battle without persuading its opponent to stop participating. Trump's advisers have reportedly looked at several explanations, among them inadequate communication, faulty translation, postal irregularities, and the possibility that Iran's remaining leadership just doesn't grasp how thoroughly it has been b...

Funding Mechanism Due After the Election PARIS - French socialist organisers unveiled a comprehensive immigration utopia on Monday, opening the presentation by asking anyone with an accounting qualification to leave the room and take their negative little machines with them. "We want an atmosphere where people feel safe to dream," said conference chairman Étienne Beaumont, watching security escort a woman outside for opening a spreadsheet. "You cannot build a compassionate society while somebody keeps asking what column it goes in." The woman was allowed to keep her coat. The spreadsheet was not. French Socialist Immigration Policy Promises Unlimited Compassion The programme promises immediate accommodation, generous public services and a welcoming community for every arrival. Its financial appendix consists of a photograph of a billionaire looking insufficiently sorry. Beaumont said the photograph would be updated annually to reflect inflation. It has already...

The Zero-Hours Worker's Perspective: The Vineyard Owner Apparently Forgot to Consult Human Resources WESTMINSTER, LONDON: London's hospitality industry has been thrown into theological confusion after workers discovered that Jesus once described a landowner paying employees who arrived at five in the afternoon the same amount as those who started at dawn. The revelation emerged during a staff meeting at a Westminster hotel, where management had gathered employees to explain the importance of flexibility, productivity and accepting fewer shifts without becoming unnecessarily emotional. Thirty-two-year-old waitress Sarah Bennett, who had worked since six that morning, asked whether the biblical landowner was accepting applications. Her manager, Charles Worthington, explained that the arrangement represented an economically dangerous precedent. "If employees expect a full day's wages for one hour's work, Britain's hospitality industry will collapse." Sarah ...

Abolishing property is easier when someone else stocked it MILAN - A socialist protest experiencing difficulty securing further access to other people's money has diversified into other people's trainers, describing the move as a practical response to liquidity constraints and an unexpectedly strong selection of footwear. Organisers said the transition from redistribution through taxation to redistribution through a broken window represented continuity rather than a change of principle. The window in question was one of several. On the second night of disorder around the Duomo, rioters ransacked a supermarket and a number of shops, and broke windows at the La Rinascente department store, according to Brussels Signal. The march that preceded it, ABC News noted, had been against wars and rising living costs. Organisers said footwear had not been on the agenda. The agenda, they added, had not survived Saturday. "Our position has always been that resources should reach those...