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IRS Adds Citizenship Checkbox to Tax Form, Nation Shocked Government Wants to Know Who Is Claiming Government Benefits Federal Government Discovers Revolutionary Administrative Concept Known as “Eligibility” WASHINGTON, D.C. | The United States government entered unexplored bureaucratic territory this week after the Trump administration proposed asking taxpayers whether they are citizens, U.S. nationals or legally authorized to work in the country, terrifying a nation accustomed to the Internal Revenue Service asking only casual questions about income, employers, spouses, children, investments, retirement accounts, mortgages, cryptocurrency and that suspicious $37 somebody made selling ceramic frogs on Etsy. The proposal appears on the draft 2026 Form 1040 and asks whether the taxpayer, and a spouse on a joint return, is a U.S. citizen, U.S. national or an alien lawfully authorized to work in the United States. Treasury says the information would help administer proposed eligibilit...
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Andy Burnham Vows to Break 40 Years of Political Consensus, Replaces It With Policies From 40 Years Ago Prime minister declares himself a Westminster outsider from inside Downing Street, unveils revolutionary programme historians identify as “quite a lot of Labour” LONDON - Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to smash four decades of British political orthodoxy by unveiling a daring new programme involving public ownership, council housing, government-directed infrastructure, social care and electoral reform, causing historians across Britain to rush downstairs and check whether somebody had accidentally left 1975 running in the kitchen. Burnham told Labour’s conference that Britain had followed the wrong path through “deindustrialisation,” “deregulation,” “privatisation,” “austerity” and Brexit, promising to “break the mould” and make a break with the direction of the past 40 years. He also described himself as an “outsider from the Westminster club,” explaining that he had r...
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Plot holder insists seventeen-year absence represents unusually long fallow period A London council has launched an emergency review of its allotment system after discovering that one plot holder has rented municipal growing land for seventeen years without producing a single identifiable vegetable - the most extreme case yet behind the council's new allotment sub-letting crackdown. A sofa, a satellite dish, and no cabbages Officials became suspicious when inspectors visited Plot 62 and found a sofa, satellite dish, espresso machine and three investment bankers holding a strategy meeting. There were no cabbages. The tenant, 58-year-old property consultant Martin Vale, insists the plot remains agricultural. "We grew mint in 2016." Inspectors asked to see it. "We drank it." Vale originally obtained the allotment after eight years on the waiting list. Within six months he realised he disliked soil. "I expected gardening to be more conceptual," he ex...
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Britain's oldest social institution finally becomes subscription service A professional queuer London businessman charging £45 an hour to stand in line for strangers has announced he is fully booked through 2027, confirming Britain's most abundant natural resource is now labour-intensive waiting. From bakery queue to business plan Thirty-four-year-old Toby Standish began professionally queueing after noticing Londoners routinely spend two hours waiting to purchase things available elsewhere without waiting. "I saw 150 people outside a bakery," he said. "I thought either food had ended or there was money in this." There was money. Professional queueing is not entirely imaginary. Current listings on task-outsourcing platforms genuinely include people paying others to wait in line on their behalf for shops and limited-edition releases across Soho, with rates ranging from modest sums to hundreds of pounds depending on the drop. Standish's service, Q4U,...
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Steve Sarkisian Refuses to Execute Colin Simmons at Midfield, Sports Internet Demands Accountability Texas Longhorns Coach Disciplines Player, Wins Game, Still Fails Nation's New Requirement That Every Mistake Become a Three-Day Morality Seminar AUSTIN, Texas -- University of Texas football coach Steve Sarkisian found himself defending an increasingly radical proposition this week: when a college football player does something stupid, a coach can correct him without launching the young man from a trebuchet into Oklahoma. The controversy began during Texas' 20-17 victory over Tennessee, when edge rusher Colin Simmons sacked Tennessee quarterback Faizon Brandon and followed the play with a mock urination celebration. It was dumb. There. Investigation complete. The officials assessed Simmons an unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty. Because the foul occurred after a sack on third-and-13, Tennessee received 15 yards and a first down. That is what experts in the increasingly obscure f...
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Officials admit the cones have achieved a kind of immortality Transport authorities have made a startling admission, conceding that London roadworks are no longer a temporary inconvenience but a permanent, self-sustaining feature of the city, with some sets of cones now believed to predate the residents living beside them. London roadworks achieve immortality, baffling residents Across the capital, drivers and pedestrians report roadworks that have stood, unchanging, for so long that they have become local landmarks, complete with their own informal names, a sense of community, and in at least one case, a small unofficial shrine. A spokesperson for the Department of Eternal Excavation, invented for this paragraph, addressed the concerns. London roadworks are essential, he said, standing beside a hole that has been there since before he was hired. They maintain the pipes, the cables, the very fabric of the city. The fact that no actual work appears to be happening at any given mom...
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Henry VIII Rules on Prince William Calling Harry a “Traitor”: “I Know Treason. This Is Not Treason.” The Tudor Monarch Returned From the Dead Reviews Reports That Harry and Earl Spencer Have Formed an “Alliance,” and Finds No Cavalry, No Calais and Not One Single Beheading LONDON — Yahoo’s item repeats a reported, anonymously sourced claim that Prince William has been calling Prince Harry and Earl Spencer “traitors” amid the fallout from Charles Spencer’s Swan Song: Diana, My Sister. The reporting also links William’s alleged anger to Harry’s closeness with his uncle and speculation that Harry knew what was coming in the memoir. Buckingham Palace, meanwhile, has answered Spencer’s allegations more cautiously, pointing to the effects grief can have on memory rather than addressing every allegation individually. Britain’s royal-media complex responded to this development with its customary restraint, which is to say that fourteen royal experts were dispatched to stand outside a build...
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