Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Carrier Survives Iran, Exhaustion and Endless Marxist Media Attacks—Then Encounters Moronic Democrats Who Believe Nothing Except Their Own Posts Left-wing media reports seven sailors dead; Navy responds with the dirty journalistic trick of checking ARABIAN SEA — The USS Abraham Lincoln has survived hostile waters, 260 days at sea, thousands of aircraft movements and the expenditure of 1.5 million pounds of ordnance. Then it encountered something for which no modern carrier group is adequately armed: excitable left-wing commentators sitting safely ashore with smartphones, strong opinions and absolutely nowhere to be in the morning. According to an official statement issued by United States Central Command, reports alleging that seven sailors died in a brawl aboard the aircraft carrier are false. CENTCOM says that no service members aboard the vessel have died and that the sailor who fell overboard on 3 August was recovered quickly and safely. This was rotten luck for those newsrooms...

Researchers Build a Machine to Detect AI in Political Speech, Discover Politicians Got There First The detector was engineered to flag artificial intelligence. It was not engineered to survive an actual campaign season By Technology & Political Language Desk Half the focus group preferred the first candidate. The other half preferred the second. Neither group noticed that no candidate, policy, challenge or value had been identified. Both halves nonetheless described themselves, in post-poll interviews, as "cautiously energized." Pollsters described the result as a statistical tie and immediately booked appearances on six cable-news programs to explain its historic significance. A seventh program offered to have them explain it again, more urgently, with a red graphic. The underlying detection technology traces back to Anthropic's invisible watermarking rollout, which researchers designed for AI-generated text, not for the naturally occurring kind found on the ca...

Bill Maher Stops Taking Prevagen, Forgets Media Occasionally Makes Things Up About Trump Real Time host remembers every Republican scandal since Watergate but cannot recall CENTCOM's denial from Friday LOS ANGELES — Bill Maher has reportedly stopped taking Prevagen, causing the 70-year-old comedian to forget that journalists occasionally publish exaggerated, unsupported or completely imaginary allegations whenever Donald Trump and the United States military can be embarrassed simultaneously. The memory lapse became apparent after Maher condemned reported conditions aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln without pausing to distinguish legitimate concerns about its lengthy deployment from sensational claims disputed by the Navy. Maher's "blood boiled" over reports of broken toilets, inadequate food and distressed sailors. His memory apparently did not retain CENTCOM's statement that no service members had died aboard the carrier, that reports of seven sailors dying in a...

WNBA Task Force Meets For Six Hours, Still Cannot Define Word "Woman" Or Find Consensus On Snacks NEW YORK — WNBA Commissioner Cathy Engelbert's emergency task force of team presidents and general managers wrapped up a marathon six-hour meeting Wednesday having made zero progress on defining the word "woman," but sources confirm the group did narrow the snack table down to either a fruit platter or "something with hummus." The meeting was convened in response to back-to-back announcements from former NBA players Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White that they intend to declare for the 2027 WNBA draft, a move league insiders describe as "technically allowed, spiritually insane." Six Hours, Zero Definitions, One Broken Whiteboard According to a leaked agenda obtained by absolutely nobody but assumed to exist, the meeting opened at 9:00 a.m. with a simple prompt scrawled on a whiteboard: "What is a woman?" By 9:45, someone had crosse...

Democrats Move South Carolina First, Kamala Harris Immediately Measures Oval Office for Familiar Furniture White Democratic hopefuls discover their presidential ambitions now require winning over Black voters, a skill previously outsourced to introductory paragraphs about "listening." AUSTIN, TEXAS — The Democratic National Committee has approved South Carolina as the opening contest of its 2028 presidential primary calendar, a decision that could greatly benefit former Vice President Kamala Harris while allowing Republicans to begin celebrating approximately eighteen months before anyone has voted. The calendar, reported by The New York Times and confirmed by The Hill, places South Carolina first, followed by Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico, Michigan and Virginia. South Carolina's Democratic electorate is not literally 90 percent Black, although it can feel that way to a white progressive governor arriving from California with an electric campaign bus, a Spanish-la...

Progressives Promise Woke 2.0 Has Learned From Every Mistake of Woke 1.0, Beginning With the Mistake of Saying the Quiet Parts Out Loud New progressive upgrade reportedly keeps the operating system while deleting several politically inconvenient desktop icons WASHINGTON, D.C. The American progressive movement is preparing to roll out Woke 2.0, a sweeping ideological software update designed to correct the principal defect discovered in Woke 1.0: ordinary voters occasionally understood what activists were saying. The Great Progressive Rebranding Campaign The rebranding arrives amid a real debate on the political left over the rhetoric and tactics associated with the 2020-era progressive movement. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently repeated the phrase "Woke 1 was crazy" while discussing earlier rhetoric around policing, and even sympathetic outlets have examined whether progressives are abandoning unpopular language without necessarily abandoning the underlying go...