Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Route 14 Was Not Briefed DALLAS - Warhound, a Dallas startup that plans to clone and genetically edit military working dogs, came out of stealth this week with $200 million in seed funding and no published plan for the person who brings the mail. Technology commentators have taken to calling the concept Captain America for dogs. The Postal Service has not yet taken to calling it anything. The company is backed by the founders of Colossal Biosciences and Anduril Industries, and it says its goal is to end the military's reliance on European breeders. According to Fortune, more than 80 percent of U.S. military working dogs are bought from Europe, and fewer than half of the animals acquired make it all the way to service. Warhound intends to pick out the best performers after training, store their genetic material in a biobank, clone them, and then make targeted edits. The first edits are aimed at hip dysplasia, certain cancers and muscle atrophy. Every dog will be issued eye and ear...

Director discovers capitalism requires customers LOS ANGELES, October 24, 2026 - Hollywood has had another run-in with the free market. A nearly four-hour documentary criticizing billionaire Elon Musk drew far more enthusiasm from professional film critics than from Americans willing to buy a movie ticket. Alex Gibney's Musk has grossed just $572,000 at the domestic box office, leaving Hollywood intellectuals searching for a revolutionary economic system in which buying tickets is unnecessary. According to Gizmodo, the documentary appears to have been disappearing from American theaters following a disappointing expansion to 472 locations. The precise extent and reasons for its withdrawal remain unconfirmed, although its poor theatrical performance is documented. The flop has pushed Hollywood's political establishment toward an uncomfortable possibility: criticizing capitalism does not exempt a filmmaker from having to sell something. Why Hollywood's Musk Documentary Ca...

The Marriage Left. He Hasn't Noticed. NEW YORK - America's marriage industry has unveiled its most revolutionary development since no-fault divorce: couples who remain legally married while conducting their emotional lives as though their spouses were merely inconvenient roommates with excellent credit histories. The phenomenon, examined in a Ynet News report on quiet quitting marriage, is known as quiet quitting marriage. Women exhausted by years of disappointing communication, unmet expectations and domestic frustration are reportedly withdrawing emotionally while remaining in the marital home. No divorce proceedings. No dramatic confrontations. No attorneys. Just two people sharing a refrigerator and occasionally remembering how they met. Marriage experts describe it as emotional withdrawal. American husbands describe it as the most peaceful October they've experienced since their wedding. "We've never been closer," said Gary Whitlock, 54, of Plano, Texas...

Fleet Street Declares Emergency After Harry and Meghan Smile Without Editorial Permission LONDON - Britain's royal tabloid industry has uncovered what it believes may be the most dangerous conspiracy against the monarchy since Guy Fawkes, after discovering that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have been attending charitable events, greeting members of the public and apparently enjoying themselves. The supposed secret revenge strategy, described by Yahoo Entertainment, has prompted urgent discussions across Fleet Street, where editors are struggling to determine whether the Sussexes are genuinely plotting against the Crown or simply generating enough photographs to keep the nation's royal commentators employed. The allegations gained momentum following Harry and Meghan's appearance in Nottingham on October 15, an event that involved charitable organisations and the deeply suspicious activity of talking to people. There were no barricades, no revolutionary manifestos and no a...

Methodists Preach Forgiveness, Then Sue Over the Building Highland Park Votes 90% to Leave; Headquarters Requests Paperwork DALLAS, Texas, October 28, 2026 — After generations of preaching love, forgiveness, unity and Christian brotherhood, the United Methodist Church has discovered that the only thing harder than loving your enemies is getting along with other Methodists. Highland Park United Methodist Church, one of America's largest Methodist congregations, voted 90.35% over the weekend to separate from its denomination following a dispute over church governance, denominational authority and property rights, United Methodist News reported. Of 4,775 votes cast, roughly nine in ten supported leaving. That's an impressive margin. Saddam Hussein used to get numbers like that, and even he never had to explain them to a bishop. The congregation has served Dallas for 110 years, and its council governance arrangement dates to 1998. Several decades of cooperation turned out to be...

Arson Fails to Raise French Mathematics Scores PARIS, October 22, 2026 - France's campaign for better public education has encountered an unusual difficulty after violent participants in a nationwide protest movement apparently concluded that the best way to improve deteriorating schools was to make some of them physically disappear. The movement began with legitimate complaints about inadequate educational facilities, teacher shortages and declining economic opportunities. A violent minority introduced a more ambitious school improvement programme involving broken windows, fires and the occasional destruction of the school itself. At Least 24 French High Schools Set on Fire or Ransacked According to Le Monde's investigation into attacks and damage at French high schools, Education Minister Édouard Geffray reported that at least 24 French high schools had been set on fire or ransacked, while hundreds of others had suffered damage. Educational experts immediately questione...