Bohiney Satrical Journalism

The Emperor who conquered Europe was packed off by the British to a rock in the South Atlantic, where his stomach, his house and his enemies finished the job LONGWOOD HOUSE, ST HELENA, 5 May 1821 - Napoleon Bonaparte, who had once ruled more of Europe than anyone since Charlemagne, died at around eleven minutes to six in the evening in a damp, rat-infested house on one of the most remote islands on earth. He was fifty-one. His last words are usually given as something about France and the army, and then he was gone. The British, who had put him there, held a post-mortem, shrugged, and went home for tea. The argument about what killed him has been going ever since. Stomach Cancer or Arsenic? The Great Napoleon Murder Mystery The official autopsy, carried out by a team of doctors the day after his death, found a large ulcer on the stomach wall that had eaten through to the lining. The doctors recorded it as a cancerous condition, and it fits neatly with the fact that his father, Ca...

Researchers reassure public that machine-generated strategy received excellent reviews from machine-generated peer reviewers CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts - A landmark study examining humanity's preparation for increasingly powerful artificial intelligence has reached a reassuring conclusion: whenever civilization does not know what to do about A.I., it asks A.I. The ongoing debate over A.I. safety appears here. The study began after researchers posed a simple question: What is humanity's strategy for controlling highly advanced artificial intelligence? Nobody knew. So they typed the question into a highly advanced artificial intelligence. Within seconds, the system produced a comprehensive twelve-point framework calling for transparency, oversight, international cooperation, independent evaluation, human-centered values and several other phrases guaranteed to survive any committee meeting. Researchers were impressed. "This is exactly the type of framework we need," sai...

Investors reportedly impressed by infinite wish potential but concerned magical entity lacks clear subscription model SAN FRANCISCO - Artificial-intelligence researchers warning that "the genie is out of the bottle" received an immediate response from Silicon Valley this week when venture capitalists asked who represented the genie, how much equity it had already surrendered and whether it was available for a Series B meeting. The continuing debate surrounding A.I. risks can be found here. The metaphor was originally intended to communicate technological irreversibility. Investors heard "genie." Everything changed. The Total Addressable Market for Wishes Within hours, three venture firms had produced pitch decks estimating the total addressable market for wishes. "Historically, consumers have been limited to three wishes," explained investor Bradley Crowne. "That is an artificial scarcity problem." His firm believes artificial intelligence...

Coffee shops, yoga studio and artisan bakery arrive six months after estate agent discovers area Homeless Man Priced Out of Cardboard Box After Neighbourhood Becomes Trendy Coffee shops, yoga studio and artisan bakery arrive six months after estate agent discovers area LONDON - A homeless man has been forced out of the cardboard box he occupied for eight months after the surrounding railway arch underwent rapid gentrification. Terry Wilkins began sleeping in the box when the area was considered undesirable. At the time, local amenities consisted of a broken vending machine, three pigeons and a man named Dave who occasionally shouted at buses. Then an estate agent discovered the postcode. Within six months, the neighbourhood acquired two coffee shops, a sourdough bakery, a Pilates studio and a restaurant serving "deconstructed working-class British cuisine." Wilkins could no longer afford to stay. The cardboard box, once free, is now valued at £675,000. Monthly rent is £...

Scammers Want Your Money. Unfortunately, They've Emailed a Nation Where Everyone Has a Strong Opinion, a Lawyer's Phone Number and Nothing but Time. AUSTIN, Texas — Email scammers have finally reached the United States, a country where every citizen has an opinion, a lawyer's phone number and a firm view on who deserves to be scammed, and where the national response to a stranger offering free money is a long pause and the words who is this? The ten scams below are recognizable American email fraud schemes, not an official statistical ranking. The FTC's guidance on impersonation scams and the FTC's fraud reporting site describe many of these tactics. Same ten emails as ever. This time they've been sent to twenty towns across the country, and the towns have thoughts. American suspicion is regional. Texans will say bless your heart, which means something else entirely. Minnesotans will apologize to the scammer and offer him a casserole. New Yorkers will tell him...

Zelenskyy Declares Russian Oil Refineries Open for Business, Business Expected to Last Approximately Eleven Seconds Burnham pledges Britain's full support, Trump watches his Russian diesel agreement go up in smoke, and American truckers congratulate London on its generosity with other people's fuel money. LONDON, 15 October 2026 — Prime Minister Andy Burnham told Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy at Downing Street on Wednesday that Britain was "behind you and that will not change." On Thursday, Reuters reported, citing the Financial Times, that Zelenskyy had said Ukraine's pause on strikes against Russian oil refineries was over. The pause had lasted less than a week. American truck drivers, who are watching diesel prices sit near $6.27 a gallon, asked whether Downing Street might consider standing behind someone who has to buy fuel. Nobody at Downing Street could say. A spokesman said the Prime Minister's position on Ukraine was set out clearly on W...