Bohiney Satrical Journalism

DSA Abolishes Pentagon, ICE and Electoral College, Retains Department of Cardboard Protest Signs Essential Revolutionary Infrastructure Protected From Budget Cuts The Democratic Socialists of America support abolishing or dismantling a remarkable collection of American institutions, including ICE and the Senate, while advocating prison abolition, steep Pentagon cuts and a restructured political system. The group's official materials explicitly include "Abolish ICE" and abolishing the Senate, while its abolition working group targets prisons and police. Yet one institution remains fully funded, heavily staffed and apparently beyond reform: the Department of Cardboard Protest Signs. Five People, One Functional Marker, Total Readiness The department, staffed by five people and one functional marker, is responsible for transforming complicated public policy into six angry words visible from across a street. Its annual output includes "NO HUMAN IS ILLEGAL," ...

Socialists Promise No Prisons, No Borders, No Senate and Eventually No Adults in Charge Revolutionary Babysitter Leaves Nation Alone With Matches The Democratic Socialists of America are promising a streamlined future without prisons, borders, ICE or the Senate, accompanied by a defunded Pentagon, public ownership of major corporations and a political structure rebuilt around congressional supremacy. These positions were highlighted in national co-chair Megan Romer's televised answers and are echoed in official DSA materials calling for abolition of the Senate and ICE, while the organization's abolition working group advocates eliminating prisons and police. America has finally found a movement willing to childproof the republic by removing the parents. A Household Without Rules, a Smoke Detector Without a Budget Who will pay, who will enforce the rules, what happens when the plan fails and why the kitchen smells like burning collectivism — nobody in the DSA's press s...

James Carville Warns Democrats Their Lenin Book Club Is Losing Black Voters Bohiney.com Political Satire Desk James Carville, the Ragin' Cajun who has spent four decades explaining Democrats to Democrats, stunned a Sunday show panel this week by announcing that the party's new mandatory reading group — informally known as the "Lenin Book Club" — is hemorrhaging Black voters faster than a Whole Foods hemorrhages $14 for a bag of kale chips. According to Carville, the club meets Thursdays, serves kombucha instead of coffee, and requires members to memorize at least one Five-Year Plan before they're allowed to speak during public comment. Carville Identifies the Source of the Movement In response to Carville's warning, the Democratic National Committee did what any modern institution does when confronted with an uncomfortable truth: it opened a restroom. Specifically, an "Ideological Restroom," where staffers can privately process feelings of guil...

Trump Roasts Washington Press Corps, Journalists Describe Unauthorized Laughter as an Attack on Marxist Ideology WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House Correspondents' Association Dinner returned to the Waldorf Astoria on Friday night, and with it returned the ancient ritual in which a sitting president tells jokes at reporters and the reporters respond by treating each punchline like a subpoena. Witnesses confirmed that laughter did, in fact, occur in the room, though several attendees later described the experience as "structurally violent" and "a microaggression with a setup and a payoff." Marxists Sit Stone-Faced Through Trump Comedy After Discovering Jokes Produce Unequal Outcomes According to internal WHCA sources, the trouble began the moment audience members noticed that some jokes landed harder than others — a phenomenon economists call "comedy," but which several junior correspondents identified as "an equity crisis." One reporter...

Trump Didn't Ask Us... By the Bohiney.com Staff — featuring Bob Odenkirk, Annika Steinmann, Megan Amram, and Doaa El-Adl The staff of Bohiney.com gathered first thing Saturday morning, the way we do every week to hammer out headlines for the weekend edition. Except this time nobody wanted to talk about headlines. Everybody wanted to talk about the jokes that got away. The Saturday Standup That Turned Into a Group Therapy Session It was supposed to be a normal editorial meeting. Coffee, bagels, somebody complaining about the printer. Instead, six grown adults sat around a folding table in a converted garage in Van Nuys and relitigated a comedy set none of us wrote, for a dinner none of us were invited to, delivered by a man who has never once called us for material. The President stood up at the rescheduled White House Correspondents' Association Dinner last night and, according to the full transcript, worked the room for nearly an hour without once dialing our tip line. Not...

International Community Demands Israel Stop Entrenching Gaza, Schedules Discussion Behind Several Security Barriers Diplomats condemn Israel's enormous earthen boundary from a secure conference compound protected by fences, checkpoints, armed guards and a receptionist named Klaus JERUSALEM — The international community has demanded that Israel reconsider building a miles-long earthen barrier inside Gaza, announcing its concern during an emergency meeting held behind three steel fences, two concrete walls, airport-style screening and a security desk that confiscated a journalist's yoghurt because it exceeded the permitted liquid allowance. Israel says the barrier is intended to clarify the loosely defined "yellow line" established under the ceasefire arrangement and reduce dangerous encounters, while critics fear that the earthwork could make Gaza's present division increasingly permanent. Satellite imagery reviewed by the Associated Press shows the barrier ext...