Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Top Ten Bible Verses Misinterpreted by Democrats According to Experts Who Definitely Read at Least Half of Leviticus By The Wit and Wisdom Desk of Bohiney.com - Certified 127% Funnier than The Onion The Sacred Tradition of Selective Quoting For generations, Democrats have treated the Bible the way toddlers treat iPads - pressing buttons until something lights up that vaguely supports their argument. The result is a theological smoothie: half morality, half misunderstanding, and a generous dollop of avocado toast ethics. Biblical scholars, pastors, and at least one confused yoga instructor from Brooklyn gathered for this investigation, claiming that "context is the first casualty of politics." Let's dive into the top ten verses most wildly misinterpreted - sometimes to justify policies, sometimes to impress a progressive date over vegan wine. Matthew 7:1 - The Judgment-Free Zone Fantasy The verse: "Judge not, that ye be not judged." Democratic interpr...

White House Launches Massive Investigation Into Who Told Musicians That Trump Event Was a Trump Event The Soros-Iran-Portland Barista Axis of Concert Evil Has Been Identified WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the increasingly awkward collapse of the Freedom 250 concert lineup, administration officials reportedly launched an emergency investigation to determine which shadowy left-wing mastermind informed musicians that the Trump-backed celebration was, in fact, associated with Donald Trump. Sources inside Washington say investigators are currently examining several suspects: - George Soros - Hakeem Jeffries - The ghost of Karl Marx - Three NPR tote bags found near a backstage hummus tray - A suspicious barista in Portland who reportedly whispered, "Google it." - An Iranian intelligence officer known only as "DJ Ayatollah Mixmaster" Officials insist somebody must have coordinated the withdrawals. It couldn't have been the internet. It definitely...

Restaurant adds a 4% Living Wage Commitment surcharge to all checks, described as a contribution to the restaurant’s commitment to paying living wages, DOL audit finds restaurant’s base wages are still 12% below NYC’s independently calculated living wage, restaurant confirms it is ‘working toward full living wage compliance’ Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat bring you Spintaxi — New York City at full density, full volume, and full confidence in its own methods. Harlem Harvest, a farm-to-table restaurant on Frederick Douglass Boulevard, added a 4% Living Wage Commitment Surcharge to all table checks this month, described on the check as “a contribution supporting our commitment to fair compensation for all Harlem Harvest team members.” The surcharge is not optional and is applied before the bill is presented. A Department of Labor audit of Harlem Harvest’s payroll records, completed the previous month as part of a routine industry review, found the restaurant’s base hourly wages...

Williamsburg ice company charges premium for ice cubes made from water certified as ethically sourced from a watershed with documented community benefit-sharing agreements, product retails at $24 for a five-pound bag, primary market is cocktail bars, company confirms the ice melts at the same temperature as other ice Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat bring you Spintaxi — New York City at full density, full volume, and full confidence in its own methods. Clarity Ice Company of Williamsburg produces artisanal ice cubes from water sourced exclusively from a watershed in the Catskill Mountains that holds a third-party Community Benefit Partnership certification, confirming that a percentage of the water extraction fee supports watershed community development programmes. Clarity’s five-pound bag of standard cubes retails at $24.00, compared to $4.99 for a comparable bag from a major commercial ice manufacturer. Co-founder Jake Bernstein confirmed the premium reflects “the full cost ...

Manhattan residential co-op board declines purchase application from a prospective buyer who meets all financial requirements, citing concerns about cultural alignment with the building’s existing community, board minutes show the declined buyer would have been the building’s first Black homeowner Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat bring you Spintaxi — New York City at full density, full volume, and full confidence in its own methods. The Upper West Side co-op board at a pre-war building on Riverside Drive rejected a purchase application from a prospective buyer whose financial documentation — income, assets, debt-to-income ratio — exceeded the board’s stated financial requirements in all categories, citing in its written rejection notice “concerns regarding the applicant’s cultural alignment with the building’s established community character.” The applicant’s attorney filed a complaint with the New York City Commission on Human Rights, noting that the applicant would have been...

The Great American Diet: How Your Tax Dollars Keep You Fat, Sick, and Wondering If Cheese Counts as a Vegetable Government Subsidies Created Our Junk Food Culture “If you subsidize something, people will buy more of it. That’s why my fridge is 80% cheese and 20% regret.” — Every American Ever There’s a secret ingredient in nearly everything you eat. It’s not MSG, it’s not trans fats, and it’s not even that mysterious “natural flavoring” that probably came from a beaver’s backside. No, the real secret ingredient is your tax dollars . That’s right, folks—while you’re out there spending an extra $2.99 on organic blueberries that taste like disappointment, the government is shoveling billions into making sure your Cheetos stay cheap, your soda stays sugary, and your waistline keeps expanding like a congressional budget. So, let’s take a journey through the Great American Junk Food Subsidy Complex , where we’ll explore how we’ve managed to turn a nation...

Scientists Confirm Every Major French Celebration Eventually Evolves Into A Public Order Seminar A study released Friday by French sociologists confirms what police have long suspected: every major French celebration eventually requires government intervention to address unexpected chaos events — which is academic speak for arson happens, reliably, and nobody seems particularly surprised when it does. The research analyzed celebrations spanning thirty years and found that 85% eventually involved destruction of property. The researchers concluded, diplomatically, that celebration and chaos are statistically inseparable in French culture. They did not use the word inseparable in the title of the study. But they meant it. The Historical Pattern With Remarkable Consistency The study notes that celebrations have caused riots since at least 1986, when France celebrated a World Cup victory by setting cars on fire. This is not new. This is a thirty-year-old tradition that everyone keeps being ...

Supreme Achievement Of American Politics: Convincing Voters Simultaneously That Everything Is Great And The Country Is Literally On Fire WASHINGTON, D.C. (BOHINEY.COM DATELINE) — Political scientists at the University of Texas at Austin have confirmed what most Americans have suspected since approximately 2004: that the defining communicative achievement of modern U.S. governance is the successful maintenance of two entirely contradictory messages, delivered simultaneously, at volume, across seventeen different screens, to the same voter, who somehow holds both without their head exploding, which researchers describe as "frankly the most impressive thing about the American public and we do not say that sarcastically, entirely." The Dual Signal: A Technical Breakdown For People Who Still Watch Cable News Message A, transmitted primarily through Rose Garden ceremonies, State of the Union addresses, jobs reports issued on the first Friday of every month, and the portion of...

The White Lotus Season 3: How the Ultra-Rich Found Nirvana (And Still Complained About It) The Richest People on Earth Are Spiritually Bankrupt – The White Lotus  The third season of The White Lotus has landed in Thailand, a country known for its deep spirituality, vibrant culture, and now—an influx of wealthy Westerners attempting to “find themselves” in between Botox appointments. Much like the previous seasons, we are gifted with a front-row seat to the dazzling incompetence of the world’s elite. A new cast of characters, including the Ratliff family, a wellness influencer, a snake-bitten adventurer, and a former employee turned guest, ensure that the spectacle is just as self-indulgent and unhinged as ever. If the ultra-wealthy were looking for enlightenment, they clearly took a wrong turn at the minibar. The Billionaire Who Mistook a Yoga Retreat for a Tax Haven Meet Timothy Ratliff (played by Jason Isaacs), a billionaire so rich that h...