US-Russia Dialogue Will Continue

Putin’s Investment Envoy Says US-Russia Dialogue Will Continue—Because Netflix Needs New Drama

Moscow Accidentally Sells Cold War II as Limited Series. Season Finale May Involve a Tank and Taylor Swift.

Published by Bohiney.com — Now 127% Funnier Than the Onion

Opening Scene: Diplomacy by Screenplay

When asked why Russia continues to engage in semi-regular conversations with the United States, Putin’s investment envoy, Vladislav Krashenko, gave a response so honest it should’ve been delivered from a confession booth in a Moscow bathhouse.

“Because Netflix needs new drama. Obviously,” he shrugged, between sips of a suspiciously beige martini. “It’s either this or rebooting ‘Tiger King.’”

The announcement was made at Russia’s annual Investment Theater Summit, a gala where oligarchs pitch war-adjacent reality shows, and each guest gets a uranium-frosted cupcake.

According to sources, including a Georgian expat with binoculars and one very drunk Estonian diplomat, the Kremlin is deep into developing a serialized narrative based on global tensions, espionage, and Putin’s ever-expanding chest hair.

They’re calling it: “Strained Relations: A Prestige Geopolitical Miniseries (Based on No Real Events… Probably).”

10  Observations About Netflix Diplomacy

The Kremlin’s top negotiator now travels with a showrunner.
Each meeting starts with a 3-act structure and ends with the line: “We’ll fix it in post.”

Putin won’t allow peace unless he gets a producer credit.
According to leaked texts, he also demanded a guest spot on Emily in Paris as "a misunderstood silovik who owns a boulangerie and an armored limo."

U.S. sanctions are now timed to Netflix release windows.
When Bridgerton drops, you can bet Treasury is unrolling new sanctions on aluminum, vodka, and "those tiny Kremlin snow globes."

Zelensky insists on final script approval.
“We want peace,” he said, “but not if the plot turns me into some kind of Slavic sidekick. I was on TV, damn it.”

The CIA just optioned the rights to its own leaks.
Working title: The Snowden Identity — “It’s like The Bourne Ultimatum but with worse Wi-Fi and a morally conflicted VPN.”

NATO is listed in the credits as a ‘Special Guest Military Alliance.’
Early episodes show NATO showing up uninvited with wine and tanks, muttering “just checking in.”

Angela Merkel appears in flashbacks as the weary mentor figure.
Played by Meryl Streep in prosthetic eyebrows, her catchphrase is: “Nein again.”

Russia’s first episode includes a shirtless Putin fight scene — with a polar bear, for historical accuracy.
The bear is rumored to be voiced by Morgan Freeman.

French diplomats are demanding a spinoff.
Set entirely inside a Parisian wine cellar, Les Sanctions Dangereuses stars Macron and a fondue set smuggling diplomatic cables to Brussels.

The season finale may feature a nuclear cliffhanger — but only if the SAG-AFTRA strike doesn’t affect “state actors.”
“There’s no strike in Russia,” Krashenko said. “Just silence... and unpaid labor.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Russia and America negotiating for Netflix content? I always knew the Cold War would end in residuals.” — Ron White

“If this is a limited series, then someone please limit it to one season. Or less.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“They’re pitching world war like it’s an HBO pilot. ‘Game of Zones,’ anyone?” — Ali Wong

“Netflix and kill. That’s the strategy now.” — Trevor Noah

“The Kremlin’s real goal? Get a nomination for Best Original Foreign Interference.” — Amy Schumer

“Biden’s character arc is confusing. Is he wise? Is he awake? Is he animated?” — Sarah Silverman

“They cast Putin as the hero. I’m not saying it’s unrealistic, but the trailer ends with him bench-pressing a UN interpreter.” — Bill Burr

“I don’t want geopolitics in my binge queue unless it involves sexy spies and no understanding of eastern Europe.” — Kevin Hart

BREAKING NEWS:

Putin’s Memoirs to Be Released as Choose-Your-Own-War Adventure Novel
Readers can “de-escalate,” “annex,” or “shirtless diplomacy” their way to geopolitical dominance.

Russia Denies Peace Talks, Confirms Second Season in Development
“We’ve left too many plot holes,” said one unnamed Kremlin screenwriter.

US State Department Joins Writers Guild to Demand Better Dialogue
“Every time we say ‘strategic partner,’ we throw up in our mouths,” confessed one aide.

Netflix CEO Spotted in Red Square Holding Script Titled ‘The Bear in the Room’
Insiders say it’s a dark comedy about Putin, Biden, and one stubborn airbase in Crimea.

The Streaming Cold War

Behind the scenes, diplomats are less interested in peace than pilot episodes. Every missile test, oil negotiation, or ambassadorial whisper now comes with mood lighting and a boom mic.

The State Department has quietly hired a dialogue coach. Russia has a costume designer (mostly epaulettes and softcore fascist trench coats). China, sensing an opportunity, is reportedly producing its own competitor series for Hulu called Trade Secrets: The Musical.

Even the United Nations has pivoted. Their 2025 summit will be held inside a soundstage, and all negotiations will require a table read.

From Proxy War to Producer Credit

In a leaked voice memo, Krashenko can be heard saying:

“Look, real diplomacy is exhausting. But if we can get 8 episodes, a Berlin screening, and a BAFTA nomination? That’s worth keeping peace until at least November.”

Season 2 is expected to explore:

North Korean cameos

A love triangle involving Finland, NATO, and a pizza emoji

And flashbacks to the 1990s, when all Russia wanted was a Pizza Hut and emotional relevance

Conclusion: Mutual Assured Ratings

The world is no longer a chessboard—it’s a writers’ room. Peace, war, and neutrality are just streaming categories now. And while the nukes are still real, so is the urge to get picked up by Netflix Originals.

The question isn’t “Will US-Russia relations survive?”

It’s: “Will they make the Top 10 this week?”

Filed under:
Global Drama, Binge-Worthy Geopolitics, Limited Nuclear Series, Moscow Screenplays, State Department Fanfiction

Written by:
A disillusioned ambassador and a failed screenwriter who met in a sauna in Helsinki and decided the only thing more dangerous than propaganda… is pilot season.

Auf Wiedersehen.

US-Russia Dialogue Will Continue https://bohiney.com/us-russia-dialogue-will-continue/