Judge Approves Non-Lethal Weapons Can Be Used Against Journalists

Press Pass or Paintball Target? LAPD Gets Green Light to Light Up Reporters (Gently)

When Journalism Became a Contact Sport: LAPD’s Legalized Rubber Bullet Ballet

In what experts are calling “the most hands-on media relations program since the Roman Colosseum,” a federal judge has granted the LAPD permission to continue using “nonlethal” weapons on journalists—as long as they pinky swear it’s not personal.

That’s right. Los Angeles, where yoga instructors outnumber fire extinguishers, is now the only U.S. city where you can get pepper sprayed for asking if the mayor has a comment.

The Backstory: Press Gets the Pressing Treatment

This all started in the now-legendary 2020 protests, which, if you recall, were the last time Americans were unified about anything. Amid chants, cardboard signs, and more knit balaclavas than a Brooklyn Etsy fair, reporters were clearly marked, visibly credentialed, and frequently zip-tied.

One reporter from Australia, Lauren Tomasi, was struck squarely on live television. Viewers in Sydney thought it was a new virtual reality feature: American Freedom Simulator: Slap Edition.

“When I said I wanted immersive journalism,” Tomasi said, “I didn’t mean I wanted to be immersed in a rubber bullet.”

At least 35 documented incidents, 15 of them involving injuries, were cited in the Press Freedom Lawsuit. But hey—if journalists didn’t want to get bruised, maybe they shouldn’t have dressed like snitches with cameras?

Federal Judge to LAPD: “Just Don’t Be Obvious”

U.S. District Judge Consuelo B. Vera issued a restraining order on July 11 that says the LAPD must refrain from firing less-lethal munitions at clearly identified members of the press. However, it stops short of banning vague glances, passive-aggressive grunts, and "accidental" nudges from horses during dispersal maneuvers.

LAPD spokesperson Sgt. Johnny “Boom Mic” Reilly clarified:

“We’ve never intentionally shot a journalist. They just always seem to be standing where the bullets want to go.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“In LA, the press doesn’t cover protests—they dodge them.” — Sarah Silverman

“I thought the First Amendment protected the press. Turns out, it just gave 'em something to wipe pepper spray off with.” — Ron White

“LAPD said, ‘We thought they were looters.’ I mean, sure, looters with $9,000 lenses and NPR tote bags.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“You know you’re in trouble when ‘nonlethal’ is the optimistic part of your job title.” — Amy Schumer

“Journalists are now the only profession where a bullet is considered feedback.” — Larry David

“It’s ironic. Reporters wear PRESS in big letters and the cops read it as ‘PRESS CHARGES.’” — Bill Burr

“LA cops were like, ‘Oops, we shot the guy with the camera again.’ Is this a law enforcement agency or a Scorsese audition?” — Kevin Hart

“It’s not that the LAPD targets the press—they just think journalism is performance art.” — Ricky Gervais

“Covering a protest in LA is now a full-contact sport. Coming this fall: ESPN8 – The Ocho, featuring ‘Journalists vs. Justice.’” — Dave Chappelle

“They used tear gas on a columnist. Honestly, he probably needed it.” — Tig Notaro

“If they don’t want us hit, maybe dress in those inflatable T-Rex costumes. No one wants to shoot a dinosaur.” — Ali Wong

Lawsuit Highlights: “I Came. I Saw. I Got Shot at.”

The LA Press Club’s federal lawsuit includes compelling footage of an officer calmly instructing a journalist to back up—then immediately firing a foam baton round into his chest once he turned. As if to say, “Thanks for complying. Here's your exit wound.”

The LAPD defense was simple: “We couldn’t tell he was press.”
Even though the journalist wore a neon vest, helmet, and had “CNN” stenciled across his forehead like a NASCAR hood.

When asked about the incident in court, one officer replied:

“I thought CNN stood for ‘Can Now Neutralize.’”

New LAPD Guidelines for Protest Zones

Following the judge’s temporary restraining order, the LAPD released a new internal guide titled: “Friendly Fire: Knowing When Not to Maim the Media.”

Highlights include:

If a person holds a notepad, microphone, or a DSLR the size of a Thanksgiving turkey, do not aim for the face.

“PRESS” on a vest does not mean “Press Trigger.”

Foreign accents do not constitute a threat. “She had an Aussie lilt” is not probable cause.

Drones are not fair game unless they say “BuzzFeed Investigates.”

The training video ends with a roleplay where officers yell “I see the press!” and immediately retreat to a donut cart.

Psychological Impact: PTSD (Press Trauma Dispatch Syndrome)

A recent Columbia Journalism Review survey found that 68% of field reporters now suffer from a condition called "Mic Anxiety"—a syndrome wherein the sound of a zipper makes them duck under desks.

In one incident, a reporter who survived six weeks in Gaza asked to be reassigned to Bakersfield “because it’s safer.”

We spoke to photojournalist Roberta Sanchez, who said:

“I used to flinch at tear gas. Now I flinch at selfie sticks. Trauma’s weird.”

The Legal Dilemma: Is Being a Journalist Now a Risky Lifestyle?

Some legal scholars are now debating whether journalists need hazard pay. One suggested issuing helmets with embedded QR codes linking to the First Amendment.

“Clearly identifying oneself as press used to mean protection,” said USC Law Professor Angela Takashi.

“Now it means you just made yourself a giant Google Maps pin for ‘Aim Here.’”

The LAPD’s PR Team Tries Comedy

To mitigate public backlash, the LAPD’s press office launched a new campaign called “Pressing Forward.” It features officers apologizing to camera crews while handing out complimentary mace wipes.

Their new mascot is "Officer Aim-E," a cartoon police officer with googly eyes and a foam baton who shouts, “Oopsie Daisy! That’s a camera, not a Molotov!”

Community response has been mixed. Children love it. Adults are seeking class-action representation.

Restrained Restraining Orders: Just Two Weeks of Courtesy

The judge’s restraining order lasts only 14 days. Legal experts say this barely covers two episodes of press abuse.

Press advocates argue the court should impose long-term oversight. LAPD counters that “the streets are chaotic” and “sometimes our batons have a mind of their own.”

A satirical simulation by the ACLU—starring cardboard cutouts labeled “Press,” “Protester,” and “Pastor”—found that police consistently hit the one with a Canon camera.

Imagining the Future: Smart Uniforms & Safer Snark

To avoid further confusion, reporters are now experimenting with LED helmets that flash “PRESS” in strobe light. Unfortunately, these attract rave kids and birds.

Some have begun dressing as interpretive dancers, assuming police will be too confused to engage.

Others have hired security. One journalist embedded with a protest now travels with a former Secret Service agent, a therapy alpaca, and a lawyer who only speaks Latin.

Rubber Bullets: Because Nothing Says “Don’t Report” Like a Foam-Filled Chest Dent

Rubber bullets are now being classified by size:

Type A – For peaceful reporters

Type B – For bilingual reporters

Type C – For op-ed writers, especially those from coastal cities

Each comes with a preprinted apology note and a coupon for dry cleaning.

Press Safety Tips from LAPD’s Internal Memo (Satirical Reprint)

Duck before asking a question.

Interview from behind police cars.

Use analog notebooks. Police can’t read cursive.

Paint a blue line on your lens to earn officer empathy.

Use drone reporters—cheaper, more aerodynamic, and they don’t file lawsuits.

Role Reversal: Journalists Begin Documenting Themselves

In a surreal turn, one LA Times journalist began livestreaming only himself at protests, narrating his own survival:

“There’s a bottle—nope, it’s just an oat milk latte. Rubber bullet sighted at 12 o'clock—repositioning behind a mariachi band. Excellent coverage.”

2026 Olympic Demonstration Sport: Journalistic Evasion

Rumor has it, NBC has pitched a new Olympic event: “Press Sprint & Duck.” Contestants must cover a riot while dodging rubber bullets, filing a 500-word piece, and uploading photos with intact lenses.

Gold goes to the journalist with the most bruises and fewest typos.

In Conclusion: The First Amendment Is Now a Contact Clause

When judges need to remind the police not to shoot at journalists, that’s not democracy—that’s community theater in crisis.

As press advocates push for stronger protections, LAPD gears up for its next protest with a new “media compliance team”—armed with coloring books and flameless flashbangs.

In America’s most glamorously dysfunctional city, where free speech comes with a side of side-impact trauma, one truth remains:

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but only if you don’t shoot the guy holding it.

Satirical Sources (All titles link to https://bohiney.com/random/):

LAPD Opens New “Journalist Obstacle Course” Behind Courthouse

Press Freedom Now Includes Dental Insurance After Baton Incident

Judge Rules That Saying “Oops” After Shooting Reporter Is Not a Legal Defense

New Kevlar Vests Labeled “NOT A THREAT (UNLESS YOU READ)”

Australian TV Anchor to LAPD: “Do I Look Like a Looter in Louboutins?”

LA Times Rebrands War Reporting as “Urban Paintball Assignments”

Auf Wiedersehen. And remember, next time you see a reporter in LA, hand them a helmet, not a citation.

Judge Approves Non-Lethal Weapons Can Be Used Against Journalists 

15 Observations

When rubber bullets become press credentials, the LAPD clearly confused journalism with dodgeball.

A judge tells police not to shoot reporters—as if that’s not journalism 101.

Journalists needed body armor to ask questions, not ask for it.

Authorities mistaken press vests for protest targets—maybe vest-shaped weapons are sold on Amazon too?

A restraining order is now press protection: four pages of “Don’t Hit the Camera Guy.”

LAPD arrests reporters for gathering news—inventive new curfew: The Time magazine ban.

“Nonlethal weapons” used on journalists—because like everyone knows, truth hurts more.

The court calls it “pattern of misconduct”—finally someone’s doing a press-turn report.

Press Club files suit; police present aim—overachievers in targeting details.

An Australian reporter hit during live broadcast—makes you wonder if international reporters come with bullseyes.

35 “troubling” incidents—at that point it’s not troubling, it’s Tuesday.

Protests turn into accidental news anchors’ boot camp—combat training imitating journalism.

Judge grants 14‑day restraining order—press coverage gets escape clause.

LAPD denies targeting reporters— their lawyers must be proud stargazers.

Media gets a 'cease fire' bulletin, but no press release on it—because irony loves press silence.

Judge Approves Non-Lethal Weapons Can Be Used Against Journalists 

Judge Approves Non-Lethal Weapons Can Be Used Against Journalists

Image Gallery

Judge Rules Journalist Can Be Fired on with Non-Lethal 

Judge Rules Journalist Can Be Fired on with Non-Lethal 

Judge Rules Journalist Can Be Fired on with Non-Lethal 

Judge Rules Journalist Can Be Fired on with Non-Lethal 

Judge Rules Journalist Can Be Fired on with Non-Lethal 

Judge Rules Journalist Can Be Fired on with Non-Lethal 

Judge Rules Journalist Can Be Fired on with Non-Lethal 

Judge Rules Journalist Can Be Fired on with Non-Lethal 

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