Gavin Newsom Weaponizes Sarcasm

Gavin Newsom Weaponizes Sarcasm, Obliterates Stephen Miller with Constitution and C-Word

California Governor Declares Verbal Martial Law After Trump-Era Aide Calls Sanctuary Ruling “Insurrection”
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a dazzling display of constitutional shade and well-lubricated sarcasm, California Governor Gavin Newsom has eviscerated former Trump advisor Stephen Miller, describing him publicly as a “fascist c---,” shortly after Miller denounced a federal judge’s ruling against ICE raids as “an act of insurrection.” Political historians are now scrambling to locate another instance in American history when a sitting governor deployed a C-bomb in a formal statement—and even more urgently, whether it constituted a policy proposal or just a vibe.
“It’s not vulgarity. It’s governance,” Newsom’s spokesperson told reporters while wearing Ray-Bans indoors and sipping a $19 oat milk cortado. “When Miller starts throwing around words like ‘insurrection’ because a judge followed the Fourteenth Amendment, we get to respond in a tone proportionate to his hysteria.”

Miller’s Meltdown: Deportation or Doom

Stephen Miller, who once attempted to deport the Statue of Liberty for being “too emotional,” lashed out at U.S. District Judge Maame Ewusi-Mensah Frimpong after she issued a statewide restraining order blocking ICE from conducting immigration raids based on racial profiling. The ruling, which cited multiple violations of civil liberties and a charming disregard for things like probable cause, was a significant blow to Miller’s lifelong dream of turning the United States into a very large security checkpoint.
“Either we deport the invaders or we surrender the republic,” Miller tweeted, presumably while soaking in a salt bath of his own tears and powdered patriotism. “If these protests continue and we refuse to take action, the United States will cease to exist.”
Legal experts were quick to note that the U.S. has already survived disco, New Coke, and the entire presidency of Andrew Johnson, and is thus more than capable of outlasting a sternly worded district court ruling on racial profiling. Nevertheless, Miller insisted the republic was hanging by a thread woven entirely from Tucker Carlson monologues and ghostwritten ICE memos.

The “Fascist C-Word” Heard Around the World

Newsom’s press team, never one to let a melodramatic threat go unchecked, responded with a now-viral statement: “Stephen Miller is a fascist c---, and this has been true since before he was spitting on immigrant kids from the top row of Santa Monica High School.”
In an exclusive interview with Theoretical Civics Quarterly, Newsom elaborated: “When people throw fascism around like it’s seasoning on a pizza, you’ve got to meet them where they are. If Miller’s gonna treat the Constitution like a napkin, we’re going to treat him like the mess.”
What the Funny People Are Saying:
“Stephen Miller looks like he sleeps in a filing cabinet and dreams in surveillance footage.” — Sarah Silverman
“Newsom calling him that word is a public service. It should be in the state budget.” — Ron White
“The last time someone used that word in California politics, it led to a recall election and three screenplay deals.” — Larry David

Voldemort and the 10,588 ICE Transfers

This isn’t the first time Newsom has gone toe-to-toe (or wand-to-wand) with Miller. In 2021, he called the Trump advisor “Voldemort in a khaki suit” and released a comprehensive breakdown of California’s cooperation with federal immigration enforcement. According to data from the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation, over 10,588 undocumented individuals were transferred to ICE custody since 2019—most of them convicted of felonies and not, as Miller claimed, “letting Mexican warlocks loose on the suburbs.”
“Facts matter,” Newsom said at the time, “even when delivered with contempt, caffeine, and an eye-roll.”

Miller’s Wife, Elon Musk, and the Soap Opera Twist

In what may be the first time in American history that a political insult contained more sexual subtext than a season of Bridgerton, Newsom’s team also alluded to rumors that Miller’s wife, former Trump spokesperson Katie Miller, may have left her job at Elon Musk’s xAI due to a personal entanglement.
“We don’t comment on the personal lives of Elon’s third-tier employees,” the statement read. “Unless it directly impacts national security or Miller’s therapist’s schedule.”
Though unsubstantiated, the rumor has already inspired a Hulu docuseries and a line of scented candles called “Sanctuary Musk.”

ICE Raids vs. the Constitution: The Sequel

The judicial ruling that ignited the feud came from Judge Frimpong, who issued a sweeping injunction against ICE operations across six California counties. The order cited evidence that ICE agents were targeting people based on language, dress, neighborhood, and “general brownness.”
“It’s like reverse Costco: if you look like you belong, you’re getting arrested,” said civil rights attorney Marcela Torres. “This ruling restores sanity to immigration enforcement and maybe even… wait for it… due process.”
Miller, in response, began citing laws that don’t exist and amendments he appears to have invented, such as the “National Dignity Enforcement Clause” and the “No Judges in LA” statute. Fox News dutifully aired segments on both.

Newscum vs. Real Scum: The Middle School Name War

Former President Donald Trump weighed in by calling Newsom “Newscum,” which Newsom countered by calling Trump “the real scum.” The exchange was later translated into seven languages, banned on Facebook, and adapted into a fourth-grade play titled “The Insult Caucus.”
Political cartoonist Deborah McStab rendered the moment as two sewer rats in suits throwing handfuls of the Bill of Rights at each other while a crying eagle looked on.

“Flood the Zone” and the Chaos Doctrine

Back in the Trump years, Miller was known for pushing what insiders called the “flood the zone” strategy: a blizzard of executive orders, immigration crackdowns, and media distractions meant to exhaust public resistance. The technique was so chaotic it once led to a press release declaring Canada a terrorist nation, only to be retracted with a note that said “Oops, copy/paste error.”
“He’s not so much evil as organized chaos with a 5 o’clock shadow,” said one former DHS official. “And even the shadow doesn’t want to be associated with him anymore.”

Military Theatrics: Tanks at Taco Trucks

Perhaps the most surreal moment came when Miller praised a failed Trump-era plan to deploy the U.S. Marines to monitor California taco trucks suspected of harboring undocumented immigrants. The idea was floated, shot down, resurrected, and ultimately replaced with Operation Chimichanga Freedom, which involved undercover Border Patrol agents disguised as mariachi bands.
“I played seventeen quinceañeras and never saw one cartel member,” said Agent “Ramon,” whose cover was eventually blown by a YouTube influencer. “But I do have a tight horn section now.”

Public Polls and Political Theater

A new poll from the San Joaquin Institute for Public Outrage shows that 62% of Californians prefer Newsom’s “blistering sarcasm and C-word policy” to Miller’s “death-metal xenophobia.”
Meanwhile, 18% of respondents thought Miller was “an AI deepfake of a vampire from a canceled CW show,” and another 6% believed Newsom’s hair is CGI.

Solutions for Future Policy Battles

- Replace Twitter with Court-Sanctioned Roast Battles: Instead of lawsuits, let governors and advisors duel it out with mics and limericks.
- Require All ICE Memos to Be Reviewed by Shakespearean Actors: Nothing calms cruelty like iambic pentameter.
- Create a “National Snark Index”: Tie political funding to the quality of insults—bonus points for literary references and tasteful profanity.

Gavin Newsom Weaponizes Sarcasm, Obliterates Stephen Miller with Constitution and C-Word 

BREAKING NEWS:

Stephen Miller Mistakes Civil Rights for Insurrection, Asks if Liberty Is Still Optional

In an exclusive statement issued from what appears to be a converted fallout shelter beneath his childhood bedroom, former Trump advisor Stephen Miller declared that “civil rights rulings now constitute insurrection,” prompting nationwide concern that he may be confusing liberty with rebellion.

After Judge Maame Ewusi-Mensah Frimpong issued a federal injunction halting ICE’s racial profiling raids in California, Miller took to X (formerly Twitter, now mostly a platform for shouting into the void) to call it “a coup against immigration enforcement.” Legal experts, meanwhile, called it “Tuesday.”

“It’s clear,” Miller said while stroking a bald eagle plushie, “that when the courts prioritize civil liberties over law and order, we’re witnessing a hostile takeover. Liberty might have had its time, but let’s not pretend it’s above questioning.”

A new Quinnipiac Poll revealed that 74% of Americans still think liberty is non-negotiable. Another 12% thought Miller was doing performance art. The remaining 14% were waiting for instructions from Joe Rogan.

Miller later asked, on a live stream with Charlie Kirk, whether “freedom of movement” included the right to cross state lines with empathy. The stream was briefly interrupted when Miller began shrieking at a UPS delivery driver who “looked undocumented” and “didn’t salute the mailbox.”

When asked what liberty means to him, Miller replied, “Liberty is when I get to decide who doesn’t get it.”

A constitutional scholar at Georgetown responded: “That’s not liberty. That’s fascism with a Fitbit.”

Newsom Replaces Press Secretary with A.I. That Only Speaks in Memes

In a move both revolutionary and terrifying to people over the age of 38, California Governor Gavin Newsom has replaced his human press secretary with a meme-based artificial intelligence called SnarkGPT, a machine that issues government statements exclusively via TikTok clips, Wojak comics, and outdated SpongeBob references.

“We needed something faster, meaner, and capable of throwing shade in under five seconds,” Newsom explained, standing beside the AI’s monitor, which displayed a looping GIF of a cat typing furiously. “SnarkGPT doesn't need coffee, sleep, or therapy after dealing with Steve Doocy.”

The debut press conference took a surreal turn when reporters asked about the ICE court ruling, and the monitor simply flashed:
"If you hate the Constitution so much, why don’t you just marry authoritarianism?" — with a Pepe emoji crying blood.

When pressed on economic policy, the AI produced a slideshow of Elon Musk riding a unicycle off a fiscal cliff, while the caption read: “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

Critics questioned whether meme governance would exacerbate polarization. But political strategist Kellyanne Conartist admitted, “Honestly, it communicates more clearly than most of Congress.”

Meanwhile, political Gen Zers praised the move. “It’s how I learned the Bill of Rights,” said TikTok influencer @LibertyBae3000. “Through SpongeBob and thirst traps.”

When asked about future staffing changes, Newsom confirmed SnarkGPT is currently training a secondary AI called HumbleFactBot to debate Joe Rogan entirely in rap battles and historical reenactments.

The press conference ended with the AI posting a Minions meme that read: “Respect my pronouns: I/Own/U.”

Judge Blocks ICE Raids, Says “Racial Profiling Is Not a Vibe”

A federal judge in California delivered a devastating legal rebuke to Stephen Miller’s long-standing immigration crusade this week, halting ICE’s racially targeted raids across six counties and declaring—without irony—“Racial profiling is not a vibe.”

Judge Maame Ewusi-Mensah Frimpong, who delivered the ruling with the speed of a Twitter clapback and the clarity of a Beyoncé lyric, issued the injunction after extensive evidence showed ICE was stopping residents based on appearance, language, and the suspicious act of eating street tacos after dark.

In her written decision, she noted: “A government agency cannot substitute ‘just a hunch’ for probable cause. Being brown and bilingual is not an actionable threat unless you’re applying to Harvard.”

ICE responded by filing a counter-motion that was later withdrawn because it was written entirely in Comic Sans and contained the phrase “we just had a feeling.”

Stephen Miller called the ruling “judicial activism of the highest order,” adding, “If racial profiling is banned, how are we supposed to tell the good Americans from the infiltrators?”

Activist groups applauded the decision. “This is a legal win and a spiritual one,” said Esmeralda Ruiz of Border Watchdog. “We haven’t heard a federal ruling this spicy since that judge in Texas banned Ted Cruz from karaoke.”

Meanwhile, ICE has promised to retrain agents using “neutral indicators,” such as belt buckles, gum preference, and opinions about the Fast & Furious franchise.

As the news broke, a mural was painted on a courthouse wall in LA reading: “Not a vibe. Not today. Not ever.” Beneath it, someone added a QR code linking to the Fourth Amendment.

Trump Endorses Name-Calling, Declares Himself “King of Middle School Politics”

In a video statement streamed from Mar-a-Lago’s poolside waffle bar, former President Donald Trump officially endorsed “name-calling as legitimate campaign strategy” and crowned himself the “King of Middle School Politics,” a title previously held by a 7th grader who once pantsed his opponent during a debate.

“When Gavin Newsom calls me ‘scum,’ I just have to laugh,” Trump said between sips of a Diet Coke. “I’ve been called worse by Melania’s lawyers.”

The ex-president proposed that future debates skip “boring facts and policy” and instead consist of insult slams, yo’ mama jokes, and “light wedgies if necessary.”

He called Joe Biden “Sleepy Gums,” Newsom “Gavin Nuisance,” and Stephen Miller “Pastyface Patriot,” though it's unclear if that was meant as praise.

Political analysts are torn. “Trump has turned politics into a roast battle hosted by an angry gym teacher,” said CNN’s Dana Bash. “We’re just waiting for someone to throw pudding.”

Meanwhile, MAGA loyalists celebrated the rhetoric shift. “This is what real America wants—swagger, sass, and no actual homework,” said rally-goer Bethany Jo Crenshaw, who was wearing a shirt that read, “Scold Me Daddy DeSantis.”

The Biden campaign responded with a tweet from Gen Z interns:
“ok boomer. catch this infrastructure bill.”

In response, Trump posted a Photoshopped image of Biden with a dunce cap and labeled him “Infrastructure? I Hardly Know Her!”

Middle school principals nationwide have asked candidates to stop modeling their behavior on eighth-grade hallway fights. As of press time, Trump was brainstorming new nicknames for Ron DeSantis, including “Meatball Ron,” “Tiny Tantrum,” and “The Floridian Foghorn.”

Fox News Guest Cites Imaginary Amendment, Immediately Promoted

In a now-viral Fox News segment titled “Constitutional Facts with Feeling,” guest pundit Rick Donnelly of the Freedom Flamingo PAC declared that “according to the 29th Amendment, states can overrule judges if they’re feeling really strongly about something.”

The issue? California’s sanctuary ruling. The problem? The 29th Amendment does not exist.

Within hours, Donnelly was promoted to a regular guest slot, awarded a weekend show called “Freedom Fridays,” and given a contract to publish his first book: The Constitution for Patriots Who Don’t Read Good.

Pressed by other panelists on the imaginary amendment, Donnelly replied, “Look, the Founders wanted us to be passionate, and that counts as precedent in American law.”

Constitutional scholars responded with a collective ulcer. “The only 29th Amendment I’ve ever heard of is the one I screamed into my pillow last night,” said Harvard law professor Selene Brantley.

A poll taken immediately after the segment showed that 38% of viewers believed the amendment was real. Another 22% believed it was being suppressed by a globalist cabal of social studies teachers.

Donnelly later clarified on X: “Okay, technically it’s not an official amendment yet, but if enough Americans feel it in their hearts, then legally it’s like Schrodinger’s Clause.”

By Tuesday, several GOP members had tweeted in support of the “29th,” including one congressman who insisted it was “written in cursive, so the libs can’t read it.”

Stephen Miller Sues the Constitution for Emotional Distress

In an unprecedented legal move that has already been mocked by late-night hosts, former Trump aide Stephen Miller has filed a civil lawsuit against the U.S. Constitution, alleging “emotional distress, loss of purpose, and chronic snubbing by federal judges.”

Filed in a Washington, D.C., courtroom—presided over by a judge who once described Miller as “that haunted stapler of a man”—the complaint names “The Constitution of the United States, et al.” as the defendant, accusing the document of “favoring diversity, promoting rights, and undermining Miller’s core mission of legally sanctioned scowling.”

According to the lawsuit, Miller has suffered “unparalleled humiliation” after repeated court rulings blocking his immigration policies, including last week’s decision halting ICE raids in California. The filing included screenshots of critical tweets, an unopened bottle of pomade, and a series of diary entries that read, in part: “They keep citing the 14th Amendment like it’s a Harry Potter spell. Why does everyone get due process but me?”

Miller’s lawyer, a man wearing a powdered wig and humming "God Bless America" off-key, argued that the Constitution has been “weaponized” against those “who simply want to deport entire ethnic communities without fuss.”

When asked if the Constitution could actually be sued, legal experts chuckled politely, then screamed into their briefcases.

One Supreme Court clerk noted, “This is like suing gravity for making you fall on your face. The only difference is gravity doesn’t tweet conspiracy theories.”

As of press time, the Constitution has not responded, although the Bill of Rights issued a statement through the ACLU that read simply: “LOL. No.”

Gavin Newsom Weaponizes Sarcasm, Obliterates Stephen Miller with Constitution and C-Word 

Disclaimer

This entire piece of satire was co-written by two sentient humans: the world’s oldest tenured constitutional law professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer who once read the entire Immigration and Nationality Act backwards just to win a bar bet. No AI wrote this—unless you count the bureaucratic kind behind Miller’s old press releases.
Auf Wiedersehen. https://bohiney.com/gavin-newsom-weaponizes-sarcasm/