Bohiney Satrical Journalism

RFK Jr. Nomination Drama Pills, Bills, and Capitol Thrills: Senators’ Pharma Funds Stir RFK Jr. Nomination Drama WASHINGTON, D.C. – If irony were a prescription drug, the Senate Finance Committee would be overdosing on it. As Robert F. Kennedy Jr. waits for a vote on his nomination for Secretary of Health and Human Services, the real drama lies in the financial ties between the senators judging him and the pharmaceutical industry. According to OpenSecrets, these lawmakers have collectively accepted more than $6.7 million in Big Pharma donations since 2019. It’s a scenario so absurd , you’d expect a laugh track to follow every debate. Thom Tillis: North Carolina’s $679,000 Man Leading the cash race is Thom Tillis, who has accepted over $679,000 in pharmaceutical donations. When asked if this influenced his decision-making , Tillis smiled and replied, “Innovation drives progress.” One skeptical voter had a different take: “If he’s getting paid that much, can I at least ge...

Mississippi on High Alert as "Potentially Diseased" Lab Monkey Escape By Tinsel Vandergraph | Bohiney.com Satirical News Service JASPER COUNTY, MS — In what officials are calling "a uniquely Southern bio-event," a truck carrying 100 laboratory monkeys overturned on Interstate 59 , scattering crates, bananas, and decades of scientific trust across Mississippi. Local law enforcement managed to recapture all but one, leaving residents to wonder whether the last monkey is a fugitive, a freedom fighter, or simply the state's new tourism mascot. The Great Ape Escape Witnesses say the truck tipped during a sharp turn, "like a NASCAR driver who suddenly remembered he was transporting hepatitis." One bystander, Myrtle Dean, told reporters, "I thought it was the new Chick-fil-A mascot. Then it hissed at me and tried to steal my vape." The escaped monkey, described as "40 pounds, hairy, and possibly infected," has been sighted near gas stati...

Mayor vows “no more feathered freeloaders” as pigeons demand bagel subsidies For decades, pigeons have strutted across New York City like they own the place. But now, the birds have taken it one step further: unionizing. According to reports , hundreds of pigeons gathered in Times Square last week to form the “Brotherhood of Urban Birds Local 212,” demanding fair wages, bagel subsidies, and fewer tourists stepping on their tails. The feathered rally drew crowds. “Coo and Solidarity!” read signs as pigeons marched (or waddled) in formation. Union leaders, perched atop the Naked Cowboy’s guitar, announced their top priorities: guaranteed french fry minimums, rent-controlled rooftops, and an end to “species profiling” by hot dog vendors. “We do not exist merely to be shooed away,” one pigeon declared, before pooping on a camera crew for emphasis. Mayor Adams, never one to miss a photo op, promised swift action. “This city has enough freeloaders,” he barked. “No more pigeons riding for ...

Aisle seats in the 4 train now $10,000 premium In a move that has New York tabloids and transit riders equally aghast, reports surfaced that tickets to the **Swift-Kelce wedding** are being sold on the MTA website . Yes, you read that right—your browsing history for 7 train delays now includes “buy nuptial VIP passes.” According to early screenshots leaked from a site called “Bohiney,” fans are already scrambling for aisle seats located near the Grand Central turnstiles and the best vantage point for the confetti cannons. The online listing (at https://bohiney.com/swift-kelce-wedding-tickets/ ) claims packages start at “$999 + MetroCard fees.” And if you thought getting through Atlantic Avenue during rush hour was wild, wait till you see the demand for “Meet & Greet: Shake Your Head at Press Cameras.” Overnight, vendors in Times Square began advertising scalped tickets on flyer boards: “Wedding tix, only slightly more annoying than a U2 concert, 2 blocks from the TKTS booth.”...

Ring for Service, Wait for Justice The New York Attorney General’s office has installed a customer service bell in its lobby, inviting citizens to “ring for accountability” whenever they feel justice has been delayed, ignored, or lost in the mail. The brass bell, imported from a closed Walmart in upstate New York, has already been rung 47,000 times in its first week of operation. “We’re really committed to transparency,” said a spokesperson for AG Letitia James, shouting over the constant dinging. “Every time someone rings that bell, we make a note of it. Well, we would make a note of it if we could hear ourselves think.” The initiative comes after a Washington Post analysis found that the average New Yorker has a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than witnessing timely legal accountability from state officials. The bell, officials hope, will create “the illusion of responsiveness” while maintaining the office’s proud tradition of moving at geological speeds. New York City resident...

AG Shocked to Learn Professional Responsibilities In a stunning revelation that has rocked the New York legal community, Attorney General Letitia James reportedly discovered this week that her job description actually includes prosecuting violations of the law. According to sources within her Manhattan office, the AG experienced what psychologists are calling “an existential workplace awakening” after accidentally reading her own job title on her office door. “I always thought I was more of a press conference coordinator,” James allegedly told stunned staffers during an emergency meeting. “You’re telling me I’m supposed to actually enforce laws? Like, beyond just announcing I’m going to enforce them?” The revelation came after a New York Times investigation revealed that James had been operating under the mistaken belief that her primary responsibility was generating headlines rather than legal outcomes. New Yorkers, accustomed to theatrical announcements followed by years of proc...

City Council votes unanimously to replace Columbus Day with glitter parades New York City has seen its fair share of weird holidays—remember when Bloomberg tried to make “Car-Free Day” a thing? But now, thanks to America’s obsession with celebrity romance , the **Swift-Kelce wedding** has been declared a national holiday. Yes, according to reports , City Council voted unanimously to replace Columbus Day with a glitter-strewn parade celebrating Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s nuptials. School’s out, traffic is worse, and Staten Island already filed a lawsuit claiming they weren’t invited. Mayor Adams announced the holiday on the steps of City Hall while blasting “Shake It Off” through a boombox from 1998. “This city deserves joy, and nothing brings us together like overpriced wedding registries,” he said, before dancing awkwardly with a foam finger shaped like a MetroCard. Meanwhile, city workers were spotted spray-painting “Swift-Kelce Forever” over potholes—an infrastructure impro...