NYC Declares War on Pigeons After Birds Unionize in Times Square

October 28, 2025

Mayor vows “no more feathered freeloaders” as pigeons demand bagel subsidies

For decades, pigeons have strutted across New York City like they own the place. But now, the birds have taken it one step further: unionizing. According to reports, hundreds of pigeons gathered in Times Square last week to form the “Brotherhood of Urban Birds Local 212,” demanding fair wages, bagel subsidies, and fewer tourists stepping on their tails.

The feathered rally drew crowds. “Coo and Solidarity!” read signs as pigeons marched (or waddled) in formation. Union leaders, perched atop the Naked Cowboy’s guitar, announced their top priorities: guaranteed french fry minimums, rent-controlled rooftops, and an end to “species profiling” by hot dog vendors. “We do not exist merely to be shooed away,” one pigeon declared, before pooping on a camera crew for emphasis.

Mayor Adams, never one to miss a photo op, promised swift action. “This city has enough freeloaders,” he barked. “No more pigeons riding for free on the Staten Island Ferry. From now on, they’ll tap their MetroCards like everyone else.” The MTA confirmed it is testing pigeon-sized turnstiles at Herald Square, though engineers worry the birds will just fly over them like Brooklynites skipping rent.

Not all New Yorkers are opposed. “I support the pigeons,” said a Queens deli worker. “They’ve been keeping the rats in check. Plus, they deserve bagel crumbs—they’ve been here longer than the tourists.” Animal rights groups also applauded the movement, saying pigeons have historically been exploited as unpaid extras in film shoots and wedding photos.

Of course, Wall Street reacted differently. Stocks in “pigeon deterrent spikes” plummeted, while shares of seed companies soared. Street pretzel vendors raised prices to offset “collective bargaining losses,” sparking a mini riot in Union Square when one vendor charged $10 for a stale bagel just because pigeons demanded 20% off.

Social media lit up with memes: pigeons picketing outside Katz’s Deli, pigeons chanting “Whose crumb? Our crumb!” and pigeons storming the Apple Store to demand free iPhones for every hatchling. Tourists eagerly snapped photos, mistaking it for a flash mob.

Experts warn the unionization could spread. “If pigeons succeed, what’s next? Squirrels demanding nut pensions? Cockroaches forming tenant associations?” asked one Columbia professor. Meanwhile, Staten Island residents suggested outsourcing pigeons to New Jersey, claiming “they’ll fit right in.”

In the end, the pigeon uprising feels like quintessential New York: noisy, chaotic, hilarious, and somehow oddly inspiring. After all, if even pigeons can organize, what excuse do the rest of us have?

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/pigeons-unionize/

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/pigeons-unionize/.

By: Annika Steinmann.