Swift-Kelce Wedding Declared New American Holiday, MTA Promises “Special Delays”

City Council votes unanimously to replace Columbus Day with glitter parades

New York City has seen its fair share of weird holidays—remember when Bloomberg tried to make “Car-Free Day” a thing? But now, thanks to America’s obsession with celebrity romance, the **Swift-Kelce wedding** has been declared a national holiday. Yes, according to reports, City Council voted unanimously to replace Columbus Day with a glitter-strewn parade celebrating Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s nuptials. School’s out, traffic is worse, and Staten Island already filed a lawsuit claiming they weren’t invited.

Mayor Adams announced the holiday on the steps of City Hall while blasting “Shake It Off” through a boombox from 1998. “This city deserves joy, and nothing brings us together like overpriced wedding registries,” he said, before dancing awkwardly with a foam finger shaped like a MetroCard. Meanwhile, city workers were spotted spray-painting “Swift-Kelce Forever” over potholes—an infrastructure improvement many consider the most effective in decades.

Parade planning is pure New York chaos. Floats include a giant Citi Bike shaped like a wedding ring, an animatronic Travis Kelce holding a Nathan’s hot dog, and, of course, a Swift look-alike waving from the Staten Island Ferry. Marching bands will only play remixes of “You Belong With Me” combined with Jay-Z verses. Rumors suggest Times Square’s costumed Elmos have unionized to perform a choreographed flash mob called “Love Story in Furry Minor.”

Not everyone’s thrilled. Midtown commuters are furious about losing another workday to gridlock. One Wall Street intern complained: “I already can’t afford rent. Now I can’t even afford to take the day off for a fake wedding?” Transit riders also discovered that the MTA plans “special delays” to commemorate the holiday, with F trains intentionally rerouted through Kansas City. “It’s symbolic,” an MTA spokesperson shrugged. “And also totally out of our control.”

Critics point out the commercialization is already out of hand. T-shirt vendors in Union Square are selling “I Survived the Swift-Kelce Holiday” for $40 apiece, while bodegas advertise “Limited Edition Love Bagels” dyed pink with questionable food coloring. Meanwhile, Duane Reade has stocked “Official Wedding Confetti,” which suspiciously resembles shredded CVS receipts.

Still, fans are ecstatic. “It’s the only holiday that matters,” said a Brooklynite wearing sequined Chiefs gear. “Finally, a day off that validates my Instagram addiction.” Some New Yorkers are even proposing replacing all city holidays with celebrity unions. “If Pete Davidson ever marries again, we want that week off,” one Queens resident demanded.

In the end, the Swift-Kelce holiday is peak NYC: chaotic, commercialized, hilarious, and somehow inspiring. The city may never fix the subway, but it sure knows how to monetize love. So mark your calendars—just don’t expect your train to show up on time.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/swift-kelce-wedding-new-american-holiday/

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/swift-kelce-wedding-new-american-holiday/.

By: Annika Steinmann.

Annika Steinmann, journalist at bohiney.com -- Swift-Kelce Wedding Declared New American Holiday, MTA Promises
Annika Steinmann, journalist.

The post Swift-Kelce Wedding Declared New American Holiday, MTA Promises “Special Delays” appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.



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