DSA Abolishes Pentagon, ICE and Electoral College, Retains Department of Cardboard Protest Signs
Essential Revolutionary Infrastructure Protected From Budget Cuts
The Democratic Socialists of America support abolishing or dismantling a remarkable collection of American institutions, including ICE and the Senate, while advocating prison abolition, steep Pentagon cuts and a restructured political system. The group's official materials explicitly include "Abolish ICE" and abolishing the Senate, while its abolition working group targets prisons and police. Yet one institution remains fully funded, heavily staffed and apparently beyond reform: the Department of Cardboard Protest Signs.
Five People, One Functional Marker, Total Readiness
The department, staffed by five people and one functional marker, is responsible for transforming complicated public policy into six angry words visible from across a street.
Its annual output includes "NO HUMAN IS ILLEGAL," "ABOLISH EVERYTHING," "FREE EVERYTHING" and the advanced fiscal argument "TAX THAT GUY."
Unlike the Pentagon, the sign department has never failed a readiness test. Within minutes of any breaking news, it can deploy hundreds of identical placards using a logistics network based on group chats, shared Google documents and one Subaru with bumper stickers from campaigns nobody remembers.
"The military wastes money on aircraft, satellites and national defense," explained Acting Secretary of Cardboard Rowan Moon. "We defend the nation with block lettering and a drawing of a raised fist. Our equipment has never bombed a wedding, although it did once block the bicycle lane."
The Last Acceptable Industrial Complex
The protest-sign industrial complex supports thousands of jobs in markers, poster board, screen printing, tote bags and cafés that allow activists to use the bathroom without purchasing anything.
Economists estimate that abolishing it would devastate several Brooklyn ZIP codes and reduce the national supply of exclamation points by 63 percent.
Congressional critics have questioned why the department needs $80 billion for cardboard. Officials responded that the figure reflects sustainable sourcing, multilingual messaging and emergency replacement signs for demonstrations that encounter rain.
A recent audit, similar in tone to the kind published annually by the Government Accountability Office, found that $6.4 billion had been spent correcting apostrophes, with limited success.
The department also manages strategic reserves. Warehouses across the country contain signs reading "THIS IS NOT NORMAL," ready for deployment regardless of what has happened.
Other stockpiles include "SILENCE IS VIOLENCE," "WORDS ARE VIOLENCE" and "STOP POLICING LANGUAGE," a combined deterrence system analysts describe as mutually assured contradiction.
The DSA's broader platform would eliminate many institutions currently responsible for maintaining borders, incarcerating dangerous offenders and balancing political power. This creates operational gaps, but the Department of Cardboard Protest Signs has offered to fill them.
ICE agents at the border would be replaced by volunteers holding "WELCOME" placards. Prison guards would be replaced by circles holding "WE SEE YOUR HUMANITY" signs.
Senators would be replaced by signs reading "DEMOCRACY," allowing legislation to pass without the inconvenience of debate, compromise or senators.
National Defense by Typography
After the Pentagon is defunded, foreign threats will be met through visual messaging. Aircraft carriers will be replaced by enormous floating banners. Fighter pilots will retrain as calligraphers.
In the event of invasion, the department will surround enemy tanks with signs informing their crews that occupation is problematic.
Military strategists expressed concern that cardboard has limited effectiveness against artillery. Department officials rejected the criticism as "kinetic privilege" and noted that no tank commander wants to be photographed looking insufficiently intersectional.
A tabletop exercise simulated a hostile landing on the California coast. The department responded by organizing a rally, issuing a strongly worded statement and asking the invaders to disclose their pronouns.
The enemy reached Nevada before the permitting office approved amplified sound.
Despite these setbacks, the sign department enjoys overwhelming support among political activists. A survey at a protest found that 96 percent considered signs essential to democracy, 3 percent preferred chanting and 1 percent had brought a blank poster because the approved slogan had changed four times on the subway.
The agency is now expanding into governance. New placards will replace laws, budgets and court opinions.
"HOUSING IS A HUMAN RIGHT" will substitute for zoning reform. "HEALTHCARE NOW" will manufacture nurses. "FOOD IS JUSTICE" will increase crop yields by reminding corn of its obligations.
This is the magic of the sign: it converts a difficult outcome into a declarative sentence and then treats the sentence as evidence the outcome has occurred.
At press time, the DSA had abolished the Pentagon, ICE, the Electoral College, prisons, police, borders, billionaires and several inconvenient verbs.
The Department of Cardboard Protest Signs survived with a larger budget, a new diversity office and an emergency appropriation for markers.
The nation may no longer have defenses, boundaries or constitutional checks, but it will possess excellent signage explaining why the collapse is a historic victory.
Humorous Observations
- Every institution got abolished except the one making the signs celebrating the abolition.
- "Kinetic privilege" is the first military term ever coined entirely to avoid buying tanks.
- A $6.4 billion apostrophe-correction budget with limited success may be the most honest line item in government history.
- Fighter pilots retraining as calligraphers is a career pivot nobody asked for and everybody got anyway.
- The only agency untouched by budget cuts is the one that never had to defend an actual border.
This is satire. The Department of Cardboard Protest Signs, its acting secretary, and its strategic cardboard reserves are comic fabrications inspired by real public debate over the DSA's stated positions. It is intended as satirical news for entertainment and commentary, not as a factual account of any government agency.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
https://bohiney.com/dsa-abolishes-pentagon-ice-and-electoral-college/
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