Bohiney Satrical Journalism

First Class Gets Diamond Flutes; Steerage Hands Over Phones NEW YORK, N.Y. (Bohiney.com) — The Titanic famously divided passengers into first, second and third class. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's Madison Square Garden wedding reportedly improved on the concept by dividing celebrities into people who received diamonds and people who received a lesson in humility. There is one important difference. On the Titanic, third-class passengers were eventually permitted to approach the upper decks. Here, approaching the front row apparently required diplomatic credentials. Taylor Swift Wedding Cost: $30 Million and Not One Working Phone The couple married July 3 before roughly a thousand guests. Industry estimates put the elaborate event near $30 million. For that money, you could build lifeboats, employ an orchestra and give every guest a working phone. Instead, guests reportedly surrendered phones on arrival. This protected everyone's privacy, which is sensible, because nobody...

Americans Discover $5 Is a Lot of Dough for One Cookie LOS ANGELES, October 24, 2026 - The American dream has finally encountered something it cannot afford: a chocolate chip cookie. According to the New York Post's report on Crumbl closing California stores, the luxury cookie chain is shutting locations across the state as customers apparently rediscover that flour, sugar, butter and chocolate chips can be purchased separately without applying for financing. The numbers are extraordinary. At least 57 locations have closed nationwide in 2026, including seven in California. August sales were reportedly 70% below their level two years earlier, while customer visits fell 32% year over year. Crumbl still operates more than 1,000 stores, but its once spectacular expansion has developed a rather unfortunate relationship with arithmetic. Crumbl Cookies Closures Expose the Trouble With America's Luxury Dessert Economy California Discovers You Cannot Build a Permanent Boom on Phot...

OpenAI chief says idle RAM belongs in data centres LONDON, England — Sam Altman has identified the greatest threat facing modern civilisation. It isn't nuclear war, economic collapse or the possibility that the British government might attempt to organise something. It's a man in Birmingham who owns a computer, has installed artificial intelligence on it and has stopped paying a monthly subscription. The OpenAI chief executive has questioned the efficiency of running AI models on personal machines, arguing that scarce computer memory would be better used in centralised data centres. Britain, which once taught schoolchildren to programme on machines with less memory than an electric toothbrush, has taken the news badly. Told that Altman considered his RAM underused, Malcolm Pritchard, 72, a retired electrical engineer from Coventry, said: "He can come round and mow my bloody lawn more efficiently while he's at it." Beneath the argument about memory sits an old qu...

Putin invites Trump and Xi to decide Ukraine's future KYIV - Ukraine has been advised to approach its future with the quiet dignity expected of a house being sold by somebody who broke through the kitchen window. Officials organising the proposed great-power discussion explained that inviting the owner could create an emotional atmosphere and interfere with competitive bidding. The auction particulars describe Ukraine as a substantial European property with agricultural potential, period features and several million occupants whose preference to remain occupants has been placed in the supplementary paperwork. Prospective buyers are encouraged to overlook the damage, much of which shows the seller's longstanding interest in the premises. A Ukrainian homeowner, looking over the diplomatic arrangement, asked whether she could sell her neighbour's garage by inviting two wealthy men to lunch. Her solicitor said this would ordinarily present difficulties. She said she'd cal...

Hackers Hit 2,250 Cloud Tenants as Staffing Stays at One LONDON, October 24, 2026 - The world's technology industry has suffered an embarrassing setback after discovering that the digital infrastructure holding up modern civilisation has serious security weaknesses, that hackers now have artificial intelligence, and that the people responsible for preventing a worldwide technological collapse are working on the staffing budget of a village charity shop. According to an October 22 report by Tom's Guide, two separate cybersecurity crises have shaken the internet. One involves AI-assisted attacks against corporate cloud accounts. The other involves critical vulnerabilities in PHP, a programming language that, by W3Techs' tracking, sits underneath roughly 70% of websites. The discovery has forced technology executives to confront a question they have avoided for thirty years: what happens when computers stop doing what the PowerPoint promised? AI Hackers Hit 2,250 Microsoft...

Prosperity is visible from the kitchen but absent from inside it TOWER HAMLETS, LONDON - Parents responding to the childhood inequalities covered by the Evening Standard have asked whether proximity to enormous wealth might eventually include a practical benefit beyond being able to identify which building contains it. Child Poverty in Tower Hamlets at 50.3 Per Cent The reported child poverty rate in Tower Hamlets is 50.3 per cent. Several families said the figure appeared to conflict with the confidence of nearby marketing materials, which regularly describe the area as a place where possibilities are limitless. "Possibilities are very well provided for," said father of three Imran. "It is dinner that keeps requiring a smaller, more specific arrangement." His daughter can see illuminated offices from her bedroom. Teachers have encouraged her to regard them as symbols of ambition. She would also like to regard the kitchen light as something the family can leav...

Asks Who Approved Such an Outdated Policy LONDON - Meghan Markle has reportedly encountered an alarming constitutional principle under which her father, Thomas Markle Sr., remains innocent until proven guilty, despite the existence of allegations, eight years of family estrangement and an exceptionally serious statement from the Duchess of Sussex. The controversy follows an October 23, 2026, InStyle report on the Markle family allegations and possible royal distancing, which examined fresh accusations against Thomas Markle Sr. and speculation about what they mean for the Sussexes. Authorities in the Philippines are investigating allegations involving child sexual abuse material reportedly discovered among belongings associated with the 82-year-old former television lighting director. His son, Thomas Markle Jr., reported the alleged discovery. Thomas Markle Sr. has emphatically denied wrongdoing, describing the accusations as lies. No court has established his guilt. That last point h...

British agriculture faces crisis after vegetables are told to stop posing for social media. CHESHIRE, 19 October 2026. A Cheshire farm shop has introduced restrictions on daytime photography after becoming a popular destination for social media influencers, leaving thousands of aspiring internet celebrities facing the horrifying possibility that pumpkins may exist for purposes other than improving their personal brands. The Hollies Farm Shop Restricts Photography Between 10am and 4pm The Hollies farm shop has restricted photography and filming between 10am and 4pm following growing interest from content creators. According to The Guardian's report on businesses restricting influencer photoshoots, similar restrictions are appearing at hotels, restaurants and tourist attractions. The decision has raised fundamental questions about the future of British agriculture. For centuries, farmers believed pumpkins were grown for food, decoration and the occasional terrifying Halloween d...

Flowers Out, Press Conferences In FLORIDA, October 24, 2026 - Thomas Markle, 82, recovering from serious medical problems in a Florida care facility, has discovered that growing old in the Markle family is considerably more complicated than growing old in almost any other family on Earth. According to The Independent's reporting on the latest Markle family controversy, his son Thomas Markle Jr. has reported allegations involving suspected child sexual abuse material to authorities in the Philippines. His daughter Samantha has publicly disputed the accusations, while his estranged daughter Meghan has issued a statement expressing distress and discussing concerns dating back to 2018. Thomas Markle Sr. emphatically denies the allegations. The Philippine Department of Justice says it is investigating, and Reuters reports that no charges had been announced as of October 23. For an 82-year-old man recovering from serious health problems, it is a rather ambitious family communications s...