CeltExit Creates Four Food Standards Agencies
CeltExit Creates Four Food Standards Agencies and Declares the Sausage an International Incident
Britain’s breakup promises sovereign farming, patriotic potatoes and customs officers trained to interrogate cheese
By Lotte Heidenreich | Belfast
BELFAST — The campaign for CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain has entered the food supply after organisers associated with CeltExit.com, CeltExit.uk and reports that UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive a sovereign food standards agency, an independent agricultural policy and the constitutional authority to inspect one another’s sausages.
The CeltExit Agricultural Separation Board said the reforms would strengthen food security by replacing one interconnected market with four smaller markets connected by forms, tariffs and refrigerated lorries waiting beside national flags.
“Food sovereignty means knowing exactly where your dinner came from,” explained board chair Professor Rosemary Parsnip. “It also means preventing it from arriving until the paperwork confirms where it came from.”
Under the proposed settlement, farmers will receive separate subsidy systems, supermarkets will follow separate labelling rules and every sandwich crossing a border may acquire diplomatic status.
Officials insist consumers will barely notice the change, apart from the price, availability and occasional disappearance of lunch.
Scotland Declares Whisky a Strategic Food Group
Scotland plans to establish the Scottish Food Independence Authority, responsible for regulating agriculture, fisheries, whisky and any product packaged with mountains on the label.
The authority’s first act will classify whisky as an essential strategic reserve.
Government officials say this is necessary because whisky supports exports, employment and the national ability to listen patiently while economists discuss currency reserves.
Every distillery will receive protected infrastructure status.
In an emergency, supplies may be rationed according to age, occupation and demonstrated need to attend a family wedding.
Scottish farmers will receive subsidies through the National Rural Resilience and Westminster Compensation Fund.
Payments will be calculated according to acreage, livestock, rainfall and the number of times the applicant has appeared in a newspaper beside a broken fence.
Farmers exporting beef to England must complete a Sovereign Animal Journey Certificate confirming that each cow understands it is entering a former partner nation.
English beef entering Scotland will face additional inspections to ensure it has not been exposed to excessive free-market rhetoric.
A farmer near Dumfries asked whether cattle could simply cross the border as before.
Officials replied that livestock must respect constitutional developments, even when livestock voted neither way.
Wales Introduces Patriotic Potato Certification
Wales will create the Dragon Food and Rural Belonging Agency.
The agency will certify products as Authentically Welsh based on origin, language, environmental impact and whether the packaging contains a dragon of sufficient emotional force.
Potatoes grown in Wales will receive patriotic certification.
Potatoes grown in England but washed in Wales may receive associate status.
Potatoes unable to prove ancestry will be sold in a neutral bag pending appeal.
Cardiff ministers say the system will protect Welsh farmers from cheap imports and consumers from affordable vegetables lacking cultural context.
Every food label will appear in Welsh and English.
A jar of chutney may therefore require more packaging than chutney.
The Welsh government also plans a National Sheep Register.
Each sheep will receive an identification number, a movement history and an optional bilingual name.
Officials say the register will improve disease control.
Farmers say it will mainly allow civil servants to know where sheep are, something sheep themselves have consistently resisted.
Welsh Agriculture Minister Cerys Fenceline promised that no farmer would be left behind.
She then announced a digital application system accessible only through broadband unavailable across several farming regions.
Northern Ireland Invents the Constitutionally Neutral Sausage
Northern Ireland faces the most delicate food arrangements.
Meat arriving from England may fall under British rules, European rules, Irish expectations and whichever rule applies after the lorry door opens.
Officials have therefore developed the constitutionally neutral sausage.
The product will contain meat, seasoning and no visible indication of political origin.
Its label will avoid the words British, Irish, Ulster, traditional, imported, local or breakfast.
It will simply say “Cylinder.”
The Cylinder may be sold throughout Northern Ireland provided inspectors do not ask where it came from or where it intends to go.
A Belfast supermarket manager said the arrangement had already created difficulties.
“We ordered pork sausages from Liverpool,” he explained. “By the time customs finished classifying them, they were a cross-border animal-derived cultural product.”
The shipment was released after three weeks.
Nobody purchased it.
Officials praised the system for protecting consumers.
Northern Ireland will also establish separate lanes for milk, cheese and products capable of becoming political metaphors during television interviews.
Butter will receive expedited treatment because negotiators agreed that nobody should wait that long for toast.
England Inherits the Supermarkets and the Empty Shelves
England will retain most major supermarket headquarters, food distribution centres and responsibility for explaining why imported tomatoes have become luxury goods.
The English Food Standards Service will regulate domestic produce and certify exports to the Celtic nations.
Each export may require a separate label.
A packet of biscuits sold throughout the former United Kingdom could carry four nutritional panels, three customs codes and one warning that the product was manufactured before the constitutional settlement.
England will also inherit responsibility for negotiating international trade agreements.
CeltExit critics worry that cheap imported food could undercut local farmers.
Government officials say this will be prevented through high standards, strategic tariffs and supermarkets quietly purchasing everything from somewhere else.
English farmers have demanded compensation for losing unrestricted access to Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish markets.
The Treasury responded by launching a consultation titled “Listening to Rural Britain.”
The consultation closes during harvest.
Marxists Demand Collective Ownership of Breakfast
Marxist supporters of CeltExit have argued that private ownership of food creates inequality between people who bought groceries and people who arrived after the shop closed.
They propose collective ownership of breakfast.
Under the system, eggs, bread, milk and cereal would enter a National Morning Nutrition Pool.
Citizens would receive portions according to need, political contribution and whether a government committee considers bacon socially constructive.
Private refrigerators would be discouraged because they allow individuals to accumulate chilled wealth.
Large refrigerators may be nationalised and converted into community food-security hubs.
Citizens owning two freezers would be classified as agricultural oligarchs.
Restaurants would remain open but menus would display prices only after customers complete an income assessment.
Fine dining would be replaced by equitable dining, in which every table receives the same soup regardless of what was ordered.
Senior officials attending diplomatic dinners would receive exemptions because international solidarity cannot be conducted over ordinary soup.
Supermarkets Prepare for Four-Way Labelling Crisis
Retailers have warned that CeltExit could create severe supply problems.
A supermarket chain operating in all four nations may need separate warehouses, separate tax registrations and separate legal definitions of a pie.
Scotland may define a pie by filling.
Wales may define it by cultural origin.
Northern Ireland may define it according to whether the crust crossed the sea.
England may continue calling almost anything a pie if gravy is present.
Bread could become another dispute.
Campaigners in every nation claim a distinct baking tradition, although most loaves emerge from the same industrial bakery near Birmingham at four in the morning.
Retailers plan to respond by relabelling all food as “Produced Somewhere in the Former British Isles.”
Officials have rejected the phrase because it may undermine sovereignty.
The alternative label, “Geographical Status Subject to Refrigeration,” is under review.
Four Agricultural Policies, One Hungry Border Guard
CeltExit promises to put food production back under national control.
Scotland will protect whisky.
Wales will register sheep.
Northern Ireland will negotiate the sausage.
England will import lettuce.
Every country will create agricultural strategies promising self-sufficiency, sustainability and cheaper food.
The strategies will be printed on imported paper and launched at receptions serving foreign wine.
Farmers will spend more time completing forms.
Supermarkets will devote more shelf space to labels.
Consumers will gain the freedom to choose among locally unavailable products.
The United Kingdom may disappear, but its shared culinary traditions will survive.
Four nations will continue eating the same breakfast, drinking the same tea and arguing about who invented the meal.
At the new border, a customs officer will hold up a sandwich and ask the most important constitutional question of the CeltExit era:
“Does this cheese have anything to declare?”
Disclaimer
This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No sausages were denied entry during production, although one remains under constitutional review.
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