Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Stocks and stretches in Lower Manhattan Move over, bulls and bears. According to reports , Wall Street traders have adopted goat yoga to relieve stress from volatile markets. Every morning in a converted conference room, traders downward dog while goats leap across their Armani suits. “It’s better than therapy and cheaper than cocaine,” said one trader, sipping a wheatgrass shot. The goats are branded with ticker symbols like TSLA and AMZN, and if one headbutts you mid-pose, it’s considered “market correction.” Reactions are bullish. “I’ve lost millions, but at least my chakras are aligned,” said another. Tourists, meanwhile, line up outside Goldman Sachs hoping to glimpse a goat in a tie. TikTok trends exploded with #GoatStreet, showing influencers pretending to trade stocks in lotus pose while goats chew their yoga mats. Tabloids jumped in. “GOAT MARKET” screamed the Post. The Daily News countered: “KID TRADERS.” Mayor Adams praised the practice, saying it proves “resilience...

Comfort before cleanliness The MTA is swinging into action. According to reports , officials are testing subway hammocks as an alternative to traditional seats. Riders will soon be able to sway gently from straps while ignoring delays and mysterious puddles. “Why sit when you can swing?” said one MTA spokesperson, demonstrating a prototype strung between poles of an F train. The hammocks are designed to “reduce stress and increase chaos,” though early testers report motion sickness and tangled commuters. Reactions are skeptical. “I already struggle not to make eye contact, now I’ll be rocking nose-to-nose with strangers,” complained a Queens rider. Tourists find it delightful, though most fall out before Canal Street. Meanwhile, hammock scalpers are rumored to be charging $10 per swing ride. Tabloids swung in. “HANGOVER EXPRESS” screamed the Post. The Daily News countered: “STRING THEORY .” TikTok’s #SubwayHammock trend shows influencers sipping iced lattes mid-sway while narrowly...

Sing your way through gridlock Yellow cabs just got louder. According to reports , NYC taxis are now equipped with karaoke machines, letting passengers belt out their favorite songs while stuck on the FDR. The feature is marketed as “traffic therapy,” but many fear it’s just another excuse to charge surge fees for Mariah Carey ballads. “If you’re gonna be stuck for 45 minutes going three blocks, you might as well sing Journey,” said one cab driver. Riders select songs on touchscreen menus, though critics complain that 90% of the library is just Billy Joel and Taylor Swift. Reactions are mixed. “I nailed ‘Empire State of Mind’ at a red light,” bragged one tourist. A weary New Yorker sighed: “Great, now I can’t escape drunk bachelorettes screaming Bon Jovi at 2 a.m.” Tabloids hit high notes. “CABS-OLUTELY FABULOUS” screamed the Post. The Daily News countered: “FARES, TUNES, AND AUTOMOBILES.” TikTok’s #CabKaraoke trend already has millions of clips of commuters singing while dodging p...