Beijing: Great Power Theater

Background: Why Everyone Is Calmly Screaming Into the Void

For readers mercifully busy enough to miss the latest episode of Great Power Theater, a quick refresher. China considers Taiwan a breakaway province. Taiwan considers itself a self-governing democracy. The United States considers this a great time to sell weapons. Everyone else considers this a good moment to update their emergency preparedness pamphlets.
Beijing has long insisted it prefers "peaceful reunification," a phrase that here means peace, but only after everyone agrees with Beijing. Taiwan, meanwhile, has perfected the diplomatic art of saying "we exist already" without setting off fireworks, while also buying a lot of missiles just in case existence becomes controversial.
Enter Justice Mission 2025, China's latest military exercise around Taiwan, featuring ships, jets, rockets, and the kind of calm reassurance usually delivered by a man testing a flamethrower near your house. Officials insist this is about deterrence, stability, and justice. They did not specify whose justice, but they did provide maps with arrows, which historically has never made anyone feel better.
With that context, let's review the situation the way geopolitics now demands: with satire, disbelief, and an unhealthy respect for bureaucratic phrasing.

China Announces 'Justice Mission 2025,' Clarifies Justice Means Surrounding Taiwan With Everything Except a Welcome Basket

CHINA Great Power Theater
China unveiled "Justice Mission 2025" with the solemn confidence of a brand launch, except the product is anxiety. According to official statements, the drills simulate a seizure and blockade of key areas around Taiwan, which Beijing assures the world is merely a conceptual exercise, like brainstorming, but with live fire.
Military spokespeople described the operation as a "shield of justice," which is interesting because shields traditionally block things, not encircle them with naval fleets and rocket forces. Still, branding matters. "Justice Mission" sounds nicer than "Please Stop Existing Independently."
Maps released by state media showed Taiwan neatly ringed with drill zones, a visual aid apparently designed to communicate reassurance through cartography. Analysts noted that the only thing not surrounding Taiwan was plausible deniability.
Experts agreed the message was clear. Justice, in this context, means order. Order means compliance. Compliance means peace. Peace means no one moves unless Beijing says so. Very soothing logic, really.
Beijing Practices Peaceful Reunification by Rehearsing the Complete Military Seizure of Taiwan, Calls It a Trust Exercise
Chinese officials stressed the drills were defensive, which is geopolitics' most flexible adjective. Simulating a blockade, seizure of ports, and control of airspace was framed as a "necessary rehearsal" to maintain peace. The underlying theory appears to be that nothing builds trust like demonstrating you can shut down someone's entire economy before lunch.
State media leaned into the language of inevitability. Reunification was described as historical, natural, and unavoidable, like gravity, aging, or accidentally agreeing to cookies on every website. Any resistance, according to commentary, would be unjust, unreasonable, and frankly impolite.
Taiwanese officials responded by saying they were on "high alert," which in Taiwanese political language means calm, disciplined, and quietly furious. The government assured citizens there was no need to panic, a phrase universally understood to precede panic.
Defense analysts compared the exercise to a fire drill where the fire department locks all the exits to demonstrate preparedness. The lesson, apparently, is cooperation through intimidation, a cornerstone of modern diplomacy.
China Holds Military Drills Around Taiwan to Calm Everyone Down by Launching Missiles on a Schedule
The drills, scheduled neatly from morning to evening, offered a comforting structure to the chaos. Citizens could relax knowing that any simulated annihilation would occur during business hours.
Live-fire exercises were highlighted as proof of seriousness, because nothing says "don't worry" like precision rockets. Military officials explained the drills were meant to deter "separatist forces," a term broad enough to include politicians, voters, and possibly anyone thinking independent thoughts within a 100-mile radius.
Regional neighbors reacted predictably. Japan lodged protests. China lodged counter-protests. Somewhere, a diplomatic cable burst into flames from overuse. Analysts noted that tensions in the region were now officially "icy," the international relations equivalent of "this meeting could have been an email, but now it's a crisis."
Public opinion polls in Taiwan continued to show strong support for the "status quo," which here means living normally while being periodically surrounded by a superpower practicing your hypothetical collapse.

'Shield of Justice' Deployed as China Tests New Strategy of Deterring Independence With Explosions

CHINA Great Power Theater
The phrase "shield of justice" reappeared frequently, as if repetition might make it feel less like a threat. According to China's Eastern Theater Command, anyone plotting independence would be "annihilated upon encountering the shield," a sentence that managed to combine moral certainty with cartoonish menace.
Security experts pointed out that deterrence usually works best when paired with ambiguity. This strategy favored clarity. Very loud, explosive clarity. It's deterrence as performance art, meant to be seen, recorded, shared, and interpreted without nuance.
Meanwhile, U.S. weapons sales to Taiwan hovered in the background like a receipt no one wants to discuss. Beijing cited the $11 billion package as provocation. Washington cited defense. Taiwan cited survival. Everyone cited international law selectively, like a buffet.
Scholars of conflict noted that each side believes it is acting rationally. This, historically, is when things go badly.
Taiwan Told Not to Panic as China Simulates Blockade, Invasion, and Annihilation in the Spirit of Regional Harmony
Taiwan's government urged calm, resilience, and readiness, a trio of words that translate loosely to "we are taking this very seriously while pretending not to." Missile systems were deployed. Forces monitored movements. Citizens went to work, because rent waits for no geopolitical crisis.
President Lai emphasized maintaining the status quo while raising the cost of invasion, a diplomatic balancing act akin to saying "I don't want a fight, but I have been lifting weights."
China reiterated its preference for peaceful reunification, followed immediately by reminders that non-peaceful means remain enthusiastically available. This dual-track messaging is meant to project reasonableness, as long as one ignores the warships.
The international community called for restraint, dialogue, and de-escalation, phrases now so worn they barely register. Markets watched nervously. Analysts wrote long reports. Satirists sharpened their pencils.
Because when justice involves encirclement, peace involves missiles, and harmony arrives via blockade rehearsal, the only sane response left is to describe it accurately and laugh nervously while doing so.
Disclaimer: This satirical article is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to reality is intentional, troubling, and very much the point. Auf Wiedersehen. https://bohiney.com/beijing-great-power-theater/