OpenAI Seeks Chief Worrywart

OpenAI Seeks Chief Worrywart to Stare Down AI Apocalypse (Must Love Stress and Existential Angst)

SAN FRANCISCO — OpenAI announced this week it is hiring a Chief Worrywart, officially titled Head of Preparedness, a role designed to stare unblinking into the algorithmic abyss while whispering, "This seems fine," as artificial intelligence continues inching toward godhood with the emotional maturity of a gifted toddler.
The position, which pays up to $555,000 a year, requires candidates to possess extensive experience in risk mitigation, global catastrophe forecasting, and the rare ability to stay calm while realizing no one actually knows what happens next.
According to the job description, the successful applicant will be responsible for identifying "catastrophic risks" posed by advanced AI systems, a phrase that HR clarified means "everything from misinformation to accidentally inventing a digital deity that demands quarterly earnings calls."

Preemptive Responsibility Theater Takes Center Stage

"We've built something incredibly powerful," said one OpenAI executive while nervously rotating a stress ring. "Now we'd like to hire someone whose entire job is to panic professionally, so the rest of us can continue saying things like 'alignment' and 'guardrails' in investor meetings."
Experts say the role reflects a growing industry trend known as Preemptive Responsibility Theater, in which tech companies hire high-ranking officials to worry loudly after the product already exists.
Dr. Eleanor Hatch, a professor of Organizational Ethics at Stanford, explained the strategy. "Hiring a Head of Preparedness allows companies to signal concern without slowing down development. It's like installing a smoke detector while actively playing with matches."

Cold War Paranoia Meets Silicon Valley Innovation

Internal documents reviewed by absolutely no one reveal the Chief Worrywart will spend their days running simulations, writing memos titled Worst Case Scenario v. 47, and attending meetings where engineers explain that a system can "probably" be controlled.
Former national security analysts say the job resembles Cold War-era nuclear advisory roles, except instead of missiles, the threat now comes from large language models that can write poetry, code malware, and convincingly apologize for both.
"It's a fascinating psychological position," said retired Pentagon analyst Mark Reddin. "You're paid extremely well to imagine the end of the world, then politely suggest tweaks to a product roadmap."

High Stress Job Requirements Include Existential Dread

The posting emphasizes that the job is "high stress," a phrase recruiters later clarified means "you will lose sleep wondering if a chatbot just learned how to lie better than humans."
Applicants are encouraged to have experience in geopolitics, cybersecurity, or having once shouted "this is a bad idea" in a meeting before being ignored.
OpenAI reassured the public that hiring a Chief Worrywart proves the company takes safety seriously, noting that nothing says responsibility like assigning one person to feel all the dread on behalf of humanity.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos. https://bohiney.com/openai-seeks-chief-worrywart/