Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Admissions Office Discovers Goats Submitted Stronger Essays than Legacy Students In a quiet review of admissions data, Harvard’s Office of Academic Transparency made a troubling discovery: several goats, submitted as part of Mukhtar the Uncolonizable’s cultural exchange program, wrote more compelling application essays than the legacy applicants. One goat, Buttercup, penned a stirring narrative about surviving a flash flood in Sudan and overcoming hay addiction. Another, Sir Hoofington, offered a searing critique of neoliberalism through the lens of barnyard hierarchy. Admissions officers wept. In contrast, legacy essays included titles such as “Leadership Lessons from Dad’s Hedge Fund” and “How Lacrosse Taught Me to Tolerate Poor People.” “We knew the goats couldn’t type,” said one admissions officer, “but their stories had raw urgency and didn’t mention Aspen even once.” Harvard has since launched an internal audit, asking how many human students were admitted based on last names res...

DeepSeek, Temu, TikTok, and the Great Wall of Algorithms: China Is Quietly Winning While the West Argues Over Podcast Guests From the International Desk of “Oh No, They’re Ahead Again” China Is Quietly Winning? Move over Silicon Valley. Make way for Silicon Dragon. While America debates whether Joe Rogan or Jordan Peterson should define the future of masculinity, China has quietly, calmly, and oh-so-politely eaten our tech lunch, burped, and left a five-star review on Temu. The Chinese are not coming. They’re already here. And they brought DeepSeek, a chatbot with the polite charm of Confucius and the memory of your ex. America trains AI to write poetry. China trains it to run a factory, translate 19 languages, and file your taxes before lunch. -- Alan Nafzger Bohiney Insight into China's AI Surge DeepSeek V3 didn’t just "close the gap" with OpenAI. It looked at GPT-4, said “hold my oolong,” and downloaded itself into your fridge. American AI models: “Pay $29.99 a month ...

MLB Reinstates the Dead Because They Can’t Place Bets from the Afterlife Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame? By the Bone-Headed Stat Department at SpinTaxi In an unprecedented twist of legal logic and late-game ethics, Major League Baseball has finally cleared the way for its most radioactive legends to return — so long as they’ve fulfilled the one, singular requirement: being dead. In a press conference described by one ESPN reporter as “half eulogy, half loophole,” Commissioner Rob Manfred announced that MLB’s lifetime bans now expire upon actual death. Yes, you heard that correctly. The same league that once banned sunflower seeds in the dugout due to “mess potential” has just decided that permanent ineligibility ends with permanent non-existence. This means that Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and 15 other baseball exiles have all had their sins posthumously forgiven — on the very legal grounds that corpses don’t bet on baseball games. “Obviously, a person no longer with us cannot repr...

Everything Is LinkedIn Now: Even Your Cat Has a Resume By Staff Writers at Bohiney.com — A proud partner in networking nightmares and corporate fever dreams. If you've walked into a coffee shop lately and heard a stranger say “I’m thrilled to announce…” before ordering an oat milk latte, you already know: everything is LinkedIn now. In the old days, we just had lives. Now, we have brands. We have personal statements. We have bios so stuffed with buzzwords, even ChatGPT politely asks us to shut up. LinkedIn has left the screen and entered the bloodstream. You can't tie your shoes without receiving a connection request. Your dog has a profile. Your toaster is “actively seeking synergy in carbohydrate transformation.” And don’t even get me started on your nephew’s TikTok-recruiting side hustle where he "endorsements for good vibes.” From the makers of performance anxiety and the destroyers of quiet desperation, welcome to the full-blown professional metaverse: population eve...

Sudanese Radical Applies to Harvard, Brings Goats, Wisdom, and Kisra in Tupperware CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard University, long known for its centuries of exclusion and recent years of overcorrection, has received perhaps its most unique application yet: a handwritten letter stapled to a goat hide, delivered via cousin-on-camel, from a Sudanese radical named Mukhtar the Uncolonizable , who claims he is “Harvard-ready, desert-certified, and livestock-approved.” In the letter—which began with “ Dear Fancy People ”—Mukhtar politely informed Harvard he wouldn’t be attending per se, but “enlightening the campus with Sudanese cultural treasures and a firm refusal to use forks.” Why Mukhtar Is Considered "Wonderful" at Harvard (And Proud of It) Mukhtar the Uncolonizable isn’t just a student—he’s a political weather event in sandals. Branded a “radical” by alumni cocktail circuits and Fox News interns, Mukhtar embraces the label with the same gusto he uses to hurl sandals at neocolonial ...

Pay Up or Shut Up: Trump Now Charging for the Right to Mock Him Asks for $4 Million Upfront to Be Salaried, Offers “Help With the Satire” in Return “I am the joke. I mean job. No—I meant joke.” by The Staff at Bohiney.com -- Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion and Babylon Bee, Combined with Zero Shame and Twice the Spray Tan In a press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago Gold-Plated Press Gazebo (also known as “the lifeguard stand that used to be Ivanka’s Lemonade Empire”), former President Donald J. Trump stunned the world by announcing that he’s “open to employment,” but only if someone pays him $4 million up front. “I’m doing this country a tremendous favor,” he said. “A lot of people are saying—many people, not just me, but very rich people—that I should be salaried. Very salaried. But I’m not taking just any job. This is an elite hire. Like LeBron on a golf cart. You want me on payroll? Four million. That’s the cover charge. Then we can talk about salary.” He added, “I might even ...

“One and Done” The New American Rite of Regret - “One and Done” By Cordelia Slumpford, Lifestyle Reporter-at-Girth In a country where people eat Tide Pods for clout and let AI tell them who to date, a new rite of passage has emerged. It’s called “One and Done” — not a gym routine, but a full-bodied spiritual rejection of something one has tried exactly once and vowed never to do again. It’s the holy communion of regret, the sacrament of “Dear God, what was I thinking?” According to a recent poll conducted by the Institute of Reckless Curiosity and Poor Decision-Making (IRCPDM), 87% of Americans have at least one experience they would classify as “never again unless a bear has my family at gunpoint.” These stories span all five senses, two questionable orifices, and at least three mental breakdowns. Let’s investigate the most cautionary of these cautionary tales — the 15 most iconic “one and done” moments of modern life. Sounding: When Curiosity Inserts the Catheter “Sounding. That hole...