Baseball’s Zombie Hall of Fame

MLB Reinstates the Dead Because They Can’t Place Bets from the Afterlife

Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame?

By the Bone-Headed Stat Department at SpinTaxi

In an unprecedented twist of legal logic and late-game ethics, Major League Baseball has finally cleared the way for its most radioactive legends to return — so long as they’ve fulfilled the one, singular requirement: being dead.

In a press conference described by one ESPN reporter as “half eulogy, half loophole,” Commissioner Rob Manfred announced that MLB’s lifetime bans now expire upon actual death. Yes, you heard that correctly. The same league that once banned sunflower seeds in the dugout due to “mess potential” has just decided that permanent ineligibility ends with permanent non-existence.

This means that Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and 15 other baseball exiles have all had their sins posthumously forgiven — on the very legal grounds that corpses don’t bet on baseball games.

“Obviously, a person no longer with us cannot represent a threat to the integrity of the game,” said Manfred, moments before a hologram of Pete Rose winked and blew a kiss at a passing sportsbook rep from FanDuel.

A Brief History of Baseball’s Deadpool

Pete Rose was banned in 1989 for betting on games — including ones he managed. At the time, MLB swore this was a cardinal sin. But now, in the Year of Our Lord DraftKings, we’ve got “BetMGM Batter’s Boxes” and “Over/Under Anthem Length” promos during Opening Day.

“Ironic, isn’t it?” said one anonymous MLB marketing exec while installing a PointsBet kiosk next to Lou Gehrig’s bust at Yankee Stadium.

Rose’s ban, originally delivered by then-Commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti (who died eight days later, proving that baseball takes its karma fast), was meant to uphold Rule 21(d), which prohibits gambling.

Fast-forward to 2025: MLB teams now have official betting partners, fans are encouraged to bet between pitches, and announcers openly discuss run-line odds like it’s part of the box score.

So the question arose: If everyone is betting now, what’s stopping Pete?

Answer: rigor mortis.

Pete Rose Finally Gets Into Heaven’s Hall of Fame — Maybe

The Cincinnati Reds, eternally loyal to Rose, erected a bronze statue of him sprinting to first base. Ironically, it now faces the team’s on-site BetRivers sportsbook. Fans have been spotted rubbing the statue for luck before placing their parlays.

“Pete Rose is finally eligible for the Hall of Fame — now that he’s dead and can’t place a bet on it,” said one fan, who immediately placed a $50 wager on whether Rose would be inducted by 2027.

The Hall of Fame clarified that reinstatement doesn’t mean induction. Rose, like all baseball deities, must still survive a committee vote by 12 old guys in cardigans who think WAR is a crime against math.

But thanks to this rule change, Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and even Cozy Dolan (banned for bribery in 1924 and not, as once rumored, for sounding like a jazz pervert) — are now eligible for induction.

Somewhere in the great beyond, Joe Jackson just asked, “Say it ain’t so... I made it?”

BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-aspect, satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Toni Bohiney. The scene features Pete Rose as a translucent ghost hovering above the Baseba... -- Alan Nafzger 

Comedians Speak

“MLB says the ban ends when you're dead. Which is exactly how I feel about paying off my student loans.” — Ron White

“So let me get this straight. Pete Rose is allowed in the Hall now, because he can't gamble from the afterlife? I’ve seen casinos in Vegas with better logic.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Manfred says a dead guy can’t ruin the game’s reputation. Dude, have you watched a Mets season lately?” — Amy Schumer

“It’s nice that baseball now forgives post-mortem. All I gotta do is croak, and I’m finally welcome back at Thanksgiving.” — Larry David

“Pete Rose has waited 35 years for redemption. I can't even wait 35 minutes for my UberEats without a meltdown.” — Kevin Hart

“Imagine serving a lifetime sentence, and when it's over, they tell you: ‘Congratulations! You’re eligible for a plaque in Cooperstown... once you rot.’” — Sarah Silverman

“The Hall of Fame has higher standards than Congress. At least Pete Rose never filibustered while drunk in a hot tub.” — Bill Burr

“Baseball: Where you can only be honored if you’ve never gambled — or if you’re so dead you can’t place a parlay.” — Dave Chappelle

“The Hall said character matters. If that’s true, why’s there still a Yankees section?” — Trevor Noah

“Pete Rose finally caught a break — thanks to death. Which is also how I got out of my first marriage.” — Groucho Marx (summoned by Ouija)

“Manfred’s logic: If you can’t physically gamble anymore, you’re harmless. Sounds like my grandma at the slot machines.” — Tig Notaro

“I’m surprised Pete Rose didn’t bet on whether he’d be reinstated. Odds were dead-even.” — Ricky Gervais

Rose Rejoices from the Grave (and Cincinnati)

At Great American Ball Park, where the Reds currently host both baseball games and “Over/Under Night,” fans poured in to toast their prodigal son with limited-edition “Charlie Hustle Hologram Cups.” These contain 16 ounces of beer and three ounces of mild guilt.

Rose’s daughter told CBS, “This means everything to our family. And by ‘everything,’ I mean finally getting that Hall of Fame merchandise royalty stream.”

At the posthumous reinstatement ceremony, Manfred teared up while standing next to a lifelike wax figure of Rose — which was accidentally installed facing away from Cooperstown.

“Pete Rose’s tombstone now reads: ‘Here Lies a Hall of Famer (Pending Committee Vote and Spiritual Waiver),’” quipped Reds mascot Mr. Redlegs, who, due to an internal coding error, briefly endorsed Pete Rose for city council.

Betting on the Dead: A New MLB Tradition

With 17 players now back in the running for Cooperstown based on technical death, fans have begun running fantasy Hall of Fame leagues based on corpse eligibility.

A leaked ESPN+ stat model projected the following:

Shoeless Joe Jackson: 84.5% Hall odds (increased posthumously by Ken Burns doc reruns)

Pete Rose: 51% (betting scandal -30%, nostalgia +20%, death +61%)

Barry Bonds: 3% (no amount of spinach will help)

Roger Clemens: 4% (but he’s still holding out hope for a congressional re-election)

Meanwhile, Vegas is now offering +1200 odds on “Ghost of Ty Cobb” making a late-career heel turn and challenging Rose’s induction with a racial slur-laced press release from the afterlife.

Hall of Fame: Still Weird, Now Weirder

Despite all this, the Hall remains clear: being dead means you're back in play, but “character” still counts in final voting.

Which is hilarious when you consider:

Babe Ruth once drunkenly tried to pitch a game naked (unverified, but we want it to be true).

Mickey Mantle got banned from baseball for working as a casino greeter — only to be reinstated with full honors.

Curt Schilling is still somehow banned for being alive and on the internet.

“The Hall said character matters. If that’s true, why’s there still a Yankees section?” asked Trevor Noah, standing directly in front of Derek Jeter’s Rolex display case.

The committee who will eventually vote on Rose’s fate is composed of former players, historians, and one guy who thought Joe West was a country singer.

Meanwhile, Barry Bonds is Furious

Somewhere in California, Barry Bonds just threw a TV out the window.

“He bet on his team! I only bet on my biceps!” Bonds reportedly yelled at a decorative urn shaped like a baseball.

Many fans have argued that if Pete Rose gets in, then it’s time to “Open the Steroid Gates” and let in Bonds, Clemens, Palmeiro, and “anyone who ever looked like they could bench press a golf cart.”

MLB responded by saying it would evaluate these cases based on “chemical regret, emotional healing, and length of congressional testimony.”

Rose, when asked from the beyond if Bonds deserved enshrinement, said, “Only if he dies first.”

Funny Evidence and Dubious Statistics

71% of baseball fans polled said they support Rose’s induction — but 42% thought he was already dead in 1998.

33% believe “Shoeless Joe” refers to a TikTok influencer.

84% of committee voters report they are “deeply conflicted”, which is baseball speak for “waiting to see who else dies.”

12% of fans say they’re fine with ghost players — as long as they don’t “bring that shift crap back.”

Bohiney Insight Revisited: The 15 Truths

Pete Rose is finally eligible for the Hall of Fame — now that he’s dead and can’t place a bet on it.

Lifetime bans now expire with your lifetime. Shoeless Joe just became Cooperstown’s newest zombie.

Manfred’s decision proves the biggest threat to MLB integrity is a skeleton with a parlay card.

Rose’s tombstone comes pre-installed with a QR code linking to his Hall of Fame voting stats.

The Hall of Fame called Rose “eligible for consideration.” So is my goldfish for a Senate seat.

Legal betting is fine for fans, but not players — unless they’re dead.

Barry Bonds is considering faking his own death just to qualify.

Rose’s family is “ecstatic,” and also filing a trademark for "Ghost Hustle™."

The Hall Committee will vote in 2027, or whenever they return from lunch.

Sportsbooks now sponsor stadium urinals — but you still can’t gamble in the game.

Rose’s “crime” was betting for his team. If he’d cheated against them, he’d be managing the Yankees.

Joe Jackson’s ghost just ordered a new pair of cleats.

Pete’s plaque will smell faintly of irony and formaldehyde.

The Astros are still alive and unbanned. We repeat: The Astros are still alive and unbanned.

In heaven, Rose is flipping a coin. Heads: Hall. Tails: Banned from St. Peter’s Lounge.

Final Words

In conclusion, MLB’s move to reinstate the banned — posthumously — is the most baseball solution to a moral quandary imaginable. Not quite forgiveness. Not quite punishment. Just a rule change so surgical it could’ve been designed by a Las Vegas odds maker with a theology minor.

Pete Rose, baseball’s ultimate gambler, finally got the one thing he couldn’t bet on: forgiveness through death.

Auf Wiedersehen, Pete. We’ll see you in the Hall... eventually... probably... maybe... depending on committee snacks.

Disclaimer: This satirical report was the product of a completely human collaboration between a tenured sports historian and a disgraced mascot therapist turned dairy farmer. All figures quoted are either real, partially exaggerated, or wholly fictional. No ghosts were harmed in the making of this story.

BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-aspect, satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Toni Bohiney. The scene is a celestial courtroom in baseball heaven titled 'Ethics Parole H... -- Alan Nafzger 

Bohiney Insight into MLB's Resurrection League

Humorous Observations:

Pete Rose is finally eligible for the Hall of Fame — now that he’s dead and can’t place a bet on it.

MLB's new policy: Lifetime bans now expire when your lifetime does. Somewhere, Shoeless Joe Jackson just bought a ghost tux.

Rob Manfred reinstated 17 dead guys, because apparently MLB’s biggest integrity threat is deceased men in cleats.

Pete Rose’s tombstone now reads: “Here Lies a Hall of Famer (Pending Committee Vote and Spiritual Waiver).”

The Hall of Fame said Rose is "eligible for consideration." So is my Uncle Carl for America’s Next Top Model.

Legal sports betting is now worth $93 billion, but players still can’t gamble. That’s reserved for MLB execs and DraftKings.

Barry Bonds is fuming. He got bigger, faster, and stronger, and still couldn’t outlive a scandal.

Rose's family called the reinstatement “bittersweet.” Mostly because the sweet part is that Topps can start printing “Ghost Edition” baseball cards.

The MLB commissioner said a dead guy can’t hurt the game’s integrity. But let’s be honest — the Houston Astros are still alive.

Manfred claims Rose “served his punishment.” By that logic, everyone in Alcatraz should’ve been freed at their funerals.

Shoeless Joe Jackson was reinstated 104 years after being banned. His great-great-great-grandniece will now sue for back pay in Cracker Jack prizes.

The Hall of Fame Era Committee will consider Rose in 2027 — assuming MLB hasn’t banned committees by then.

Sportsbook sponsors now outnumber starting pitchers. But God forbid a player recognizes a point spread.

Rose was banned for betting for his team. If only he’d cheated against his team, he could’ve had a 10-year extension.

Somewhere in heaven, Rose is flipping a coin. Heads: Inducted. Tails: Banned from heaven’s dugout.

BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-aspect, satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Toni Bohiney. The scene features Pete Rose as a translucent ghost hovering above the Baseba... -- Alan Nafzger  https://bohiney.com/baseballs-zombie-hall-of-fame/