One and Done!
“One and Done”
The New American Rite of Regret - “One and Done”
By Cordelia Slumpford, Lifestyle Reporter-at-Girth
In a country where people eat Tide Pods for clout and let AI tell them who to date, a new rite of passage has emerged. It’s called “One and Done” — not a gym routine, but a full-bodied spiritual rejection of something one has tried exactly once and vowed never to do again. It’s the holy communion of regret, the sacrament of “Dear God, what was I thinking?”
According to a recent poll conducted by the Institute of Reckless Curiosity and Poor Decision-Making (IRCPDM), 87% of Americans have at least one experience they would classify as “never again unless a bear has my family at gunpoint.” These stories span all five senses, two questionable orifices, and at least three mental breakdowns.
Let’s investigate the most cautionary of these cautionary tales — the 15 most iconic “one and done” moments of modern life.
Sounding: When Curiosity Inserts the Catheter
“Sounding. That hole is definitely exit only.”
Those were the now-immortal words of one brave soul on Reddit, who poked not just the bear but the very limits of human anatomy. For the unfamiliar (and blissfully so), “sounding” involves the insertion of metal rods into the urethra for... pleasure? Self-hatred? Science?
“It was like trying to park a truck into a straw wrapper,” said Todd “No Longer Curious” Thompson, a mechanical engineer who wanted to understand the mechanics of male anatomy “from the inside out.” He made it two inches in before declaring, “NOPE,” in all caps, and quietly left the Reddit community forever.
The American Urological Association responded with a formal statement: “Please stop.”
Holding a Tarantula: Eight Legs Too Many
“I thought I was conquering fear, but I was just volunteering to get maced by a spider.”
Julia Belmont, an amateur phobic and professional overachiever, visited a roadside reptile exhibit and paid $12.50 to hold a live tarantula named Fluffbucket. What she didn’t know was that tarantulas can shoot urticating hairs—tiny bristles that act like spicy glitter shrapnel.
“The hairs hit my face like a sneeze from Satan,” she said. Julia now sleeps with a net over her bed and screams when confronted by pipe cleaners.
The tarantula, sources confirm, is doing just fine.
Haunted Hayrides: From Fun to Fight-or-Flight
There is a thin line between adrenaline and trauma, and that line runs directly through “SkullScare County Haunted Experience,” a 2-hour interactive horror attraction in rural Ohio. Randy Callahan, a father of three, described the experience: “They put a bag over my head and screamed in my ear for 40 minutes. I paid $65 for this.”
He added, “At one point, a man in a bloodied apron asked me to scream the name of my childhood dog to prove I was ‘human.’ I forgot. I yelled ‘Scooby’ just to get it over with.”
Randy has since taken up knitting. Only baby blankets. Only in beige.
Bungee Jumping: The Fastest Route to Existential Regret
“Gravity is not a game,” says Linda Mertz, a yoga instructor who tried bungee jumping for her 40th birthday. “The instructor kept saying ‘You’re going to feel so alive!’ but all I felt was the distinct awareness that I might poop myself mid-air.”
Linda didn’t jump — she was gently pushed. And while she survived, she said the worst part was realizing her scream harmonized perfectly with a goat at the petting zoo nearby.
Now when asked about her birthday plans, she replies, “Cake. Just cake. No elastic-based death.”
“I tried bungee jumping once. That’s not adrenaline — that’s gravity telling you to get your affairs in order.” — Ron White
Smoking a Cigarette at Age 10: Just Say Ugh
Little Billy Carmichael found a crumpled Marlboro in his uncle’s tackle box and decided to emulate Cool Adults™ everywhere.
“I took one puff and immediately vomited into the lake,” Billy, now 34, recalls. “I thought being a smoker meant you got sunglasses and wisdom. Turns out it just meant I had the taste of burnt rubber in my mouth for 3 days.”
Billy now leads an anti-smoking campaign called “Puke First, Ask Later.”
Snorting OxyContin: Regret With a Rush
Kyle “No Last Name Please” recounts his one-time experiment with a crushed OxyContin pill in college.
“First I felt like I was hugging a cloud. Then I woke up on a park bench next to a squirrel eating a Pop-Tart,” he said. “That was my sign from God, Nature, and Pfizer.”
Addiction specialists note that regret is a better teacher than any pamphlet. Kyle has since become a certified counselor and opens his lectures with: “Never trust a guy who calls it ‘just a bump’.”
Oysters: The Ocean’s Mucus
“Sea loogies for you, you horny freaks,” said Marlene Ebersole, an otherwise adventurous foodie who gave oysters one heroic shot.
“I wanted to be classy. But it felt like slurping a mermaid’s cold sore.”
Despite pressure from her bougie friends and a seafood sommelier named Clive, Marlene stands firm: “I don’t care how much lemon or Tabasco you dump on it, it’s still salt slime.”
The Two-Hour Haunted House Revisited
Molly Strickland tried a haunted attraction in Nevada that promised “a sensory experience unlike any other.” What she didn’t know: the actors were method-trained ex-marines.
“One guy pretended to drown me in a kiddie pool while whispering Shakespeare,” she said. “By the end, I didn’t know if I was scared or just emotionally exhausted.”
Molly left the experience, called her therapist, and now only watches Scooby-Doo when October rolls around.
Bungee Jumping Again (Because Trauma Echoes)
A second story of bungee-based regret comes from Trevor Dalton, who froze at the ledge and had to be pushed by an impatient 17-year-old employee.
“I asked the guy to just do it because I knew I wouldn’t,” Trevor explained. “As I dropped, I heard him yell ‘YOLO, bro!’”
Trevor never used the word YOLO again. In fact, he has a restraining order against it.
Spiders Shoot WHAT?
We return to tarantula trauma because it bears repeating. Christine Morales learned that spider hairs can remain embedded in human skin for weeks. She had to visit urgent care and explain her condition to a doctor who simply said, “Ma’am... why?”
Christine's advice to others: “If you want to face your fears, maybe start with clowns. At least they don't shed."
Cigarette Remorse, Take Two
Another story from childhood — Devon Greer took one puff behind a Waffle House and said, “The smoke went up my nose and down my will to live.”
To this day, he shudders when people light incense. His high school yearbook quote? “Once was enough.”
Oxy Again: The Gentle, Horrible Hug
Emily J. tells us she snorted OxyContin once in college and woke up with her tongue stuck to a radiator pipe. “No one could explain how or why,” she said. “But I took it as a divine intervention.”
She has since launched a YouTube series called ‘Bad Ideas with Emily’, sponsored by ginger tea and the DEA.
Oysters, Part II: My Life Is Still Full
Benny "The Palate" Hastings was dared to try oysters at a corporate dinner.
“I thought I was about to taste opulence,” he said. “But it felt like a ghost sneezed into my mouth.”
When pressed by coworkers to give them another shot, Benny declined: “My life is remarkably full without sea phlegm in it, thank you.”
The Haunted House Marathon: Why?
You might ask, “Why would anyone return to a haunted attraction after a bad experience?” Because human beings are hardwired for masochism and peer pressure.
“I was tricked,” said Damien Wicks, who followed friends to “HellYard,” a horror attraction in Detroit. “They told me it had snacks. All it had was a clown that smelled like beef jerky and shouted my mother’s maiden name.”
Damien now teaches cybersecurity.
The Psychology of “One and Done”
According to Dr. Hortense Cringe, a behavioral psychologist at the University of Minnesota’s Department of Risky Regret, the “One and Done” phenomenon is a vital coping mechanism in the modern era.
“It’s the equivalent of burning your hand on the stove,” Dr. Cringe explains. “Only instead of physical burns, it’s emotional scar tissue—and sometimes literal urethral scar tissue.”
Her advice?
“Don’t try sounding. Seriously.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“You haven’t lived until you’ve held a tarantula, unless you consider breathing a requirement for living.” — Tig Notaro
“I tried oysters once. It was like licking Poseidon’s mucus. Bon appétit.” — Kevin Hart
“Snorting Oxy is like being hugged by a blanket made of felony charges.” — Chris Rock
Actionable Advice from the Experts
If you’re tempted to try something reckless, dumb, or slimy, here’s some practical guidance:
Google it. If the search results require a Reddit login or come with medical diagrams, reconsider.
Ask a friend. Preferably one with a visible limp or PTSD from “extreme bachelorette parties.”
Check your motivation. If it’s peer pressure, Instagram clout, or revenge against an ex — pause.
Visualize the ER visit. If your story involves the words “inserted,” “unexpected,” or “gurney,” stop.
Final Thought: There’s Honor in Saying Nope
In a society obsessed with bucket lists and experience-as-identity, there’s a quiet dignity in saying, “I did that... once. Never again.”
These 15 tales are not just funny anecdotes or Yelp reviews gone wrong — they’re monuments to knowing thy limits. In a world that constantly dares you to YOLO harder, these brave souls stood tall and said:
“No thanks. I’ll pass on the urethral jousting.”
Disclaimer: This satirical article is a joint human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a dairy-farming philosophy major. All medical advice is emotional and absolutely not FDA-approved.
Auf Wiedersehen.
BOHNEY NEWS -- 15 Times People Decided an Experience Was ‘One and Done’ -- Life is full of experiences—some delightful, others that make you question your life choices.
15 Times People Decided an Experience Was ‘One and Done’
Life is full of experiences—some delightful, others that make you question your life choices. Here are 15 instances where individuals tried something once and decided that was more than enough.
1. Sounding: "That hole is definitely exit only."
One Reddit user shared their experience with "sounding," a practice involving inserting objects into the urethra. Their succinct review: "That hole is definitely exit only."
2. Holding a Tarantula: "It felt like my face was on fire."
Attempting to overcome arachnophobia, someone held a tarantula, only for it to shoot hairs at their face, causing a burning sensation. Their conclusion: never again. Cracked.com
3. Haunted Hayride: "By the end, I was done forever."
A two-hour haunted house and hayride experience proved too much for one participant, who found the initial fun quickly turned into overwhelming discomfort.
4. Bungee Jumping: "I was terrified and felt it was pointless."
Facing their fears, an individual tried bungee jumping but found the experience terrifying and ultimately pointless, deciding it wasn't worth repeating.
5. Smoking a Cigarette at 10: "The nastiest thing I had ever tried."
A 10-year-old, curious about smoking, took a puff of a cigarette and found it so unpleasant that they vowed never to do it again.
6. Snorting OxyContin: "I nodded out on a park bench."
Someone tried snorting OxyContin once, experienced a dangerous high, and realized the risks far outweighed any temporary pleasure.
7. Eating Oysters: "Sea loogies for you, you horny freaks."
Trying oysters for the first time, a person found them disgusting and saw no reason to acquire a taste for them, leaving more for others.
8. Participating in a 2-Hour Haunted Experience: "It was fun for a bit."
Initially enjoyable, a lengthy haunted attraction became overwhelming, leading one participant to decide it wasn't worth enduring again.
9. Snorting OxyContin: "Felt great, but nope."
The immediate effects were pleasant, but the aftermath and potential dangers led to a firm decision against repeating the experience.
10. Trying Bungee Jumping Once: "I asked the guy to push me off."
Unable to jump on their own due to fear, someone had to be pushed off the platform, leading them to conclude it wasn't an experience worth repeating .
11. Holding a Spider: "I will never touch a spider again."
After a spider shot irritating hairs at their face, causing a burning sensation, an individual decided that was their last close encounter with arachnids.
12. Smoking a Cigarette: "Thought the nastiest thing I had ever tried."
A brief experiment with smoking led to an immediate and lasting aversion, with no desire to try again.
13. Snorting OxyContin: "I'm lucky nothing happened to me."
Realizing the dangers after a single use, someone acknowledged their luck in avoiding harm and chose not to risk it again.
14. Eating Oysters: "My life without oysters is remarkably full."
Finding oysters unappealing, a person decided their life was complete without them, avoiding future tastings.
15. Participating in a Haunted House Experience: "By the end, I was done forever."
An initially fun haunted attraction became too intense, leading to a decision to avoid such experiences in the future.
BOHNEY NEWS -- 15 Times People Decided an Experience Was ‘One and Done’ Life is full of experiences—some delightful, others that make you question your life choices
What The Funny People Are Saying...
1. “Haunted house actors are too committed now. One guy followed me home and critiqued my tax documents.” — Trevor Noah
2. “Oysters are nature’s way of saying, ‘You paid HOW MUCH to swallow ocean snot?’” — Jerry Seinfeld
3. “I held a tarantula once. My soul left my body and filed a restraining order against my hand.” — Ali Wong
4. “Tried snorting Oxy in college. Woke up hugging a vending machine and calling it ‘Mom.’ Never again.” — Chris Rock
5. “Cigarettes at 10 years old? Yeah, nothing screams childhood like coughing up your pancreas behind a 7-Eleven.” — Bill Burr
6. “Held a tarantula once. It blinked at me. I didn’t know they could do that. Neither did Jesus.” — Ricky Gervais
7. “Went to a haunted hayride once. Nothing says Halloween like a man in a pig mask yelling your social security number.” — Sarah Silverman
8. “Oysters are supposed to be aphrodisiacs. I gagged so hard, my libido filed for divorce.” — Tig Notaro
9. “I asked the bungee jump guy to push me. That’s not courage — that’s assisted suicide with paperwork.” — Dave Chappelle
12. “Tried oysters at a fancy dinner. My mouth filed a cease and desist. My stomach filed for bankruptcy.” — Amy Schumer
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