Sudanese Radical Applies to Harvard
Sudanese Radical Applies to Harvard, Brings Goats, Wisdom, and Kisra in Tupperware
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard University, long known for its centuries of exclusion and recent years of overcorrection, has received perhaps its most unique application yet: a handwritten letter stapled to a goat hide, delivered via cousin-on-camel, from a Sudanese radical named Mukhtar the Uncolonizable, who claims he is “Harvard-ready, desert-certified, and livestock-approved.”
In the letter—which began with “Dear Fancy People”—Mukhtar politely informed Harvard he wouldn’t be attending per se, but “enlightening the campus with Sudanese cultural treasures and a firm refusal to use forks.”
Why Mukhtar Is Considered "Wonderful" at Harvard (And Proud of It)
Mukhtar the Uncolonizable isn’t just a student—he’s a political weather event in sandals. Branded a “radical” by alumni cocktail circuits and Fox News interns, Mukhtar embraces the label with the same gusto he uses to hurl sandals at neocolonial syllabi.
First, he’s a Marxist, but the Khartoum flavor—less beard-stroking in cafes, more redistributing goats. He once restructured his economics class into a co-op, where grades were shared based on need, not effort. The professor cried.
Second, Mukhtar loudly supports Free Palestine, often delivering impromptu lectures while standing on benches in the dining hall, using hummus containers as metaphors for occupied land. His activism style is somewhere between academic panel and spoken-word uprising.
Third, he follows Islam unapologetically—fasting during exams, praying between protests, and once correcting a divinity professor on Quranic interpretation using only one eyebrow. His faith is woven into his politics like cardamom into Sudanese coffee: bitter, bold, unignorable.
Lastly, he’s a relentless social justice agitator. He questions gender binaries, challenges statues, and refers to Harvard Yard as “settler landscaping.” His dorm bookshelf contains both Das Kapital and The Autobiography of Malcolm X, next to a sandal labeled “For Diplomats Only.”
Donald Trump calls him radical. Harvard call him an "ideal student." Mukhtar calls it Tuesday.
Bohiney Insight into Mukhtar’s Sudanese Contributions to Harvard
“I Bring Goats. Emotional Support and Academic Accountability Goats.”
According to Mukhtar, each goat is named after a failed colonial governor. “This is Lord Bumblesnort,” he said, patting a particularly angry-looking billy. “He sniffs out intellectual dishonesty. He’ll be auditing Econ 10.”
Harvard’s administration has since clarified that goats are allowed “only if they wear lanyards.”
“I Bring Water Conservation Techniques That Make California Cry”
Mukhtar claims he can take a Harvard dorm shower with three tablespoons of water and a prayer to the Rain Gods of Darfur. “While y’all shower with Spotify and loofahs, I use a single pebble and divine guilt.”
Environmental students call him “a walking sustainability thesis.”
“I Bring the Toob. Sudanese Women Wear It, But It Owns the Room.”
The toob, a flowing traditional Sudanese garment, is a sash, a scarf, a statement, and a shield from judgmental glances. Mukhtar says, “If Harvard girls wore toobs, they wouldn’t need therapy. They’d become it.”
“I Bring Kisra and Asida. Carbs With Historical Authority.”
Mukhtar brings fermented sorghum pancakes and thick porridge, stored in what he calls “Tupperware of Resistance.” In Sudan, these foods are survival. At Harvard, they’re gluten-free activism.
“I Bring Nubian Architecture: Mud Brick, Zero Student Debt.”
Mukhtar plans to replace his dorm with a domed Nubian hut, explaining: “It’s cooler in summer, warmer in winter, and no one named Tad will try to vape in it.”
“I Bring the Sudanese Coffee Ritual. It’s a 3-Hour Roast, Not a Drive-Thru Breakdown.”
He pours thick, spiced jebena coffee into tiny cups, demanding you explain your childhood trauma between sips. Mukhtar says, “If you’re not crying by the third cup, we start over.”
Harvard’s counseling center now refers incoming freshmen directly to his hut.
“I Bring My Entire Extended Family—For Perspective and Group Projects.”
Mukhtar has 74 cousins, all named Ahmed. “They will sit in on lectures to make sure nobody misquotes Marx again,” he said. They’ve already declared war on the Harvard Coop for selling socks with maps that ignore Nubia.
“I Bring Ancient Pyramids and a Modern Grudge”
Mukhtar’s great-great-great-grandfather built a pyramid. Harvard students have only built resumes and regret. “Our pyramids have stood for 2,000 years,” Mukhtar said. “Your internships barely last two months.”
“I Bring Post-Colonial Shade. You Bring Postmates.”
When a student said Harvard offered “a world-class education,” Mukhtar countered with, “So does a Sudanese grandmother with a stick and a proverb. One costs $78,000 less.”
“I Bring Haqibah Music and the Kind of Dance That Offends British Diplomats”
Mukhtar plans to introduce the campus to traditional Sudanese music that “confuses Spotify’s algorithm and arouses the ancestors.” His goal? Replace frat parties with circle dancing and camel poetry battles.
“I Bring Storytelling That Doesn’t Need Wi-Fi or a Projector”
Mukhtar’s bedtime stories involve talking goats, colonial ghosts, and accidental revolutions. Students from the creative writing program said his oral tales made their MFA theses feel “like BuzzFeed listicles.”
“I Bring Sand-Resistant Sandals—Footwear of the Future”
“Birkenstocks? Weak,” Mukhtar scoffed. “These sandals have survived sandstorms, protests, and two ex-girlfriends. They’re also Wi-Fi boosters.”
“I Bring a Grudge Against the British That Fuels My Entire Academic Career”
Mukhtar has not forgiven Lord Kitchener, Queen Victoria, or the inventor of mayonnaise. “I study with rage,” he said. “My GPA is powered by generational vengeance.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Mukhtar’s coffee ceremony made me confess my deepest shame. And I was just there to fix the printer.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“He brought a goat to Econ class. The goat outperformed the TA.” — Ron White
“Mukhtar makes Harvard feel like a TED Talk held inside a sandstorm—and I’d watch it twice.” — Sarah Silverman
Harvard Tries to Adapt
The university is now launching a new department: Goat Studies & Pre-Colonial Infrastructure. Dean of Diversity, Dr. Megan Softtone, said, “Mukhtar challenges us to rethink inclusion, hydration, and proper coffee-to-trauma ratios.”
Harvard’s cafeterias now offer kisra Fridays. The Student Health Center has added “sandal lash PTSD” to its treatment catalog.
Mukhtar’s Proposed Harvard Courses
HIS 271: Surviving the Empire with Sass and Millet
ANTH 404: The Toob as Weapon, Blanket, and Style Icon
GOVT 101: How to Negotiate With a Warlord and Still Keep Your Goat
MATH 666: Calculating British Lies Per Treaty Clause
Statement from Harvard’s Admissions Office
“We welcome applicants from all backgrounds,” said a weary spokesperson. “Even those who refuse to use pencils, electricity, or commas.” She then whispered, “Please tell the goats to stop using the Law Library as a bathroom.”
Mukhtar’s Future Plans
After graduation, Mukhtar plans to:
Dig 1,000 wells in rural Sudan
Build a sustainable tech startup powered entirely by cousin gossip
Launch a clothing line called Uncolonizable Threads
And release a spoken-word album titled “Spices, Goats, and Academic Revolt”
BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-aspect satirical cartoon titled 'Sudanese Radical Applies to Harvard, Brings Goats, Wisdom, and Kisra in Tupperware.' The scene shows an Ivy Le... -- Alan Nafzger
Disclaimer
This article is a satirical collaboration between a tenured professor who hasn’t seen a goat in person since 1982 and a philosophy major who now builds wells and arguments in equal measure. Any resemblance to actual Sudanese radicals with a fondness for livestock and truth bombs is purely intentional.
Auf Wiedersehen.
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