Everything Is LinkedIn Now
Everything Is LinkedIn Now: Even Your Cat Has a Resume
By Staff Writers at Bohiney.com — A proud partner in networking nightmares and corporate fever dreams.
If you've walked into a coffee shop lately and heard a stranger say “I’m thrilled to announce…” before ordering an oat milk latte, you already know: everything is LinkedIn now.
In the old days, we just had lives. Now, we have brands. We have personal statements. We have bios so stuffed with buzzwords, even ChatGPT politely asks us to shut up.
LinkedIn has left the screen and entered the bloodstream. You can't tie your shoes without receiving a connection request. Your dog has a profile. Your toaster is “actively seeking synergy in carbohydrate transformation.” And don’t even get me started on your nephew’s TikTok-recruiting side hustle where he "endorsements for good vibes.”
From the makers of performance anxiety and the destroyers of quiet desperation, welcome to the full-blown professional metaverse: population everyone.
Bohiney Insight into the LinkedIn Takeover of Life
Everyday existence is now a case study in performative professionalism. Observe:
Everyone now begins conversations with “I’m excited to share…” even when they’re just switching from almond to soy milk.
“Endorsements” have replaced compliments. I said my cousin had nice handwriting and somehow he got promoted to VP of Font Strategy.
A woman asked to “circle back” with me at the farmer’s market. We were buying beets.
My neighbor introduced his newborn as “an emerging leader in the field of unexpected bowel movements.”
Toddlers now get LinkedIn updates for “5 Years of Crying at a High Level.”
We spoke with Dr. Miranda Slackjaw, a sociologist at the University of Southern Bragging, who has been studying the LinkedIn-ification of society since her colleagues made her start posting about her grant applications.
“The performative cringe is no longer confined to job searches. It’s everywhere now,” Dr. Slackjaw said. “My cat just got three endorsements for ‘assertiveness in conflict resolution.’”
BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide, chaotic comic panel in the exaggerated, humorous style of Toni Bohiney. Scene 3 A satirical city street titled 'The Professional Metaverse.' People... -- Alan Nafzger
What the Funny People Are Saying About LinkedIn...
To make sense of this nightmare built on buzzwords, we turned to comedians. Here’s how they’re processing our hyper-professional, over-optimized new world:
“My cousin just updated his LinkedIn to say he's a 'self-starter'—he started three fires and blamed the dog.”
— Ron White
“LinkedIn is the only place where someone can call themselves a ‘Visionary Thought Leader’ and still live with their mom.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“You know it’s bad when your grandma’s bio says ‘Currently seeking disruptive innovation in quilt-making.’”
— Sarah Silverman
“I put ‘collaborative problem solver’ on my profile. That means I complained loudly until someone else fixed it.”
— Bill Burr
“My dog has a LinkedIn now. He’s a ‘canine wellness consultant.’ He pees on everything and gets belly rubs. Living the dream.”
— Tig Notaro
“LinkedIn is just Facebook in a pantsuit pretending it has its life together.”
— Trevor Noah
“Someone sent me a message that said, ‘I’d love to connect and synergize cross-functional deliverables.’ I blocked them for cyberbullying.”
— Ali Wong
“I got endorsed for ‘team leadership.’ I’ve never led a team. I’ve barely led myself through an IKEA.”
— Kevin Hart
“I listed ‘emotional intelligence’ as a skill, because I didn’t punch a guy who talked through my whole TED Talk.”
— Amy Schumer
“LinkedIn now congratulates me for 6 years at ‘unemployment.’ Thanks, I guess?”
— Chris Rock
“My buddy’s title is ‘Digital Solutions Architect.’ He resets routers at Best Buy.”
— Dave Chappelle
“I added ‘strategic communication’ to my profile after successfully texting my ex ‘Happy Birthday’ without crying.”
— Ricky Gervais
Welcome to the Buzzword Olympics
In a survey conducted by The Professional Pander Institute (PPI), 73% of respondents admitted to listing “thought leadership” as a skill, though they also admitted they’d never led a thought. One man said he thought “thought leadership” was just thinking really hard.
Recruiters, meanwhile, have no idea what anyone does anymore. One hiring manager told us anonymously:
“I received a resume that said ‘Empowering scalable leverage through cross-vertical synergistic frameworks.’ I think he was a barista.”
It’s not a joke. (Actually, yes it is.)
When Every Moment Is a Milestone
This week alone, LinkedIn congratulated one user for:
“Surviving 3 years of marriage without merging calendars”
“Maintaining hydration during Q1”
“Uploading a profile photo that doesn’t look like a DUI mugshot”
Even social media detoxers aren’t safe. A guy in Maine who went off the grid for six months returned to find his canoe trip had been turned into a “Leadership Sabbatical in Nature-Based Strategy.”
LinkedIn offered him a badge.
Networking in the Wild
We spoke to Carlos “the Connectinator” DeGonzalez, a full-time networking enthusiast and part-time dental hygienist, who has over 70,000 LinkedIn connections and no memory of any of their names.
“Networking isn’t about jobs anymore,” Carlos explained. “It’s about getting likes on your next post announcing that you’re ‘entering a new chapter’ of personal growth—which means I bought a Vitamix.”
Carlos hosts monthly “networking hikes” where participants introduce themselves using only their Myers-Briggs type and favorite KPI. Someone got engaged on the last one.
Everything Is a Career Move
Romance? Rebranded. A first date is now “a stakeholder alignment session in the pursuit of long-term value.”
Parenting? It’s “early-stage project management with irregular feedback cycles.”
Even breakups are professional: “I’ve decided to pivot away from this partnership to focus on personal scalability.”
One woman posted that she was “grateful for the learning opportunity that came from being dumped during brunch.”
Her ex left a comment: “Proud of your growth!”
Humorous Evidence of a Networked Apocalypse
A man changed his name to “John LinkedInson” and got hired as a VP based on the algorithm alone.
A baby in Brooklyn was born with a LinkedIn profile already active. Under experience, it listed: “Gestational Consultant, 2024–2025.”
In a bar bathroom, a graffiti message read: “Open to Work — inquire within.”
The lines are blurring fast. Professional language now infects casual settings like a virus in a WeWork petri dish.
“I was in a fight with my girlfriend,” says Tyler, 29, “and she told me to ‘align our emotional priorities or consider sunsetting this engagement.’”
He proposed. She accepted—with a three-month probationary period.
Meet the Endorsement Economy
Your life is now a performance review. Your smoothie deserves a testimonial. Every brunch photo is a mini case study in lifestyle optimization.
We interviewed Jolene Prapp, a 17-year-old student who got into college entirely based on her LinkedIn.
“My essays were just reposts of my status updates,” Jolene said. “The admissions officer said she admired my consistency in authentic self-branding and hustle culture.”
Jolene has already started a nonprofit consulting group that teaches middle schoolers how to monetize their trauma with Canva templates.
The Rise of the Influencer-Intern
No one wants jobs anymore—they want brand partnerships. LinkedIn now features job titles like:
“Emotional Productivity Coach”
“Aspiration Architect”
“Vibes Integration Officer”
“Doomscroll Curator”
Even former employees of Arby’s have rebranded as “Beef Sandwich Strategists with a focus on tangential snack innovation.”
Corporate Dystopia in Denim
Let’s be clear: the algorithm is in charge. LinkedIn’s AI now automatically updates your profile to reflect “growth mindset in ambiguous environments” if you spend more than three minutes staring at your screen in despair.
If you mention burnout, it auto-generates a wellness post.
And if you ever complain online, LinkedIn prompts you to apply for a new job—one that requires seven years of experience in something invented last week.
Final Thoughts from a Freelance Spirituality Influencer
As we reached the end of this satirical exposé, we asked legendary philosopher and part-time Uber driver Melvin “The Thought Sherpa” Klein for his thoughts.
“LinkedIn used to be about jobs. Now it’s about the illusion of becoming more job-worthy by declaring yourself valuable in increasingly abstract ways. It’s like a résumé wrote its own motivational TED Talk while microdosing.”
He paused to vape. “And honestly, I’m here for it.”
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No resumes were harmed in the making of this parody. Any resemblance to real consultants, influencers, or LinkedIn “thought leaders” is entirely intentional and a little sad.
Visit us at Bohiney.com for more professional absurdity, corporate cringe, and everything else that’s “trending” in your nightmares.
Auf Wiedersehen.
BOHNEY NEWS -- A satirical digital illustration titled 'Everything Is LinkedIn Now Even Your Cat Has a Resume.' Scene 1 A coffee shop interior where a trendy perso... -- Alan Nafzger
MORE NEWS...
Baby Born with LinkedIn Account, Endorsed for “Kicking”
Cedar Rapids, Iowa — In what doctors are calling “a landmark in prenatal networking,” baby Elijah McCall was born last Thursday with a fully-optimized LinkedIn profile, including endorsements for “kicking,” “loud communication,” and “disruption of sleep schedules.”
The delivery nurse reportedly exclaimed, “He’s already posted about his journey out of the womb, complete with a #Blessed and a Canva graphic.”
Elijah's mother, Kaitlyn McCall, said she didn’t expect her son to launch a personal brand before he’d even latched. “He posted, ‘Thrilled to announce my transition from internal incubation to external impact,’ and I just... cried.”
Within 48 hours, Elijah had 2,000 followers, four recruiters from baby tech startups, and a direct message from a diaper influencer named LulooThePoopPro.
Elijah’s father, a regional manager for a pillow supply chain company, is jealous. “I’ve been on LinkedIn for 12 years and still only have 81 connections. This kid hasn’t opened his eyes and already got invited to speak at a virtual summit.”
LinkedIn has not commented on how the baby’s account was created, but CEO Ryan Roslansky issued a statement: “We support early-stage networking.”
The baby’s next post read simply:
“Open to nursing opportunities. Willing to relocate to lap.”
Man Changes Name to LinkedInson, Gets Promoted to VP of Nothing
Scottsdale, AZ — Jacob Worthington, 34, legally changed his name to Jacob LinkedInson in a bold attempt to increase his visibility on the world’s largest professional network. It worked. Sort of.
“I wasn’t getting callbacks with ‘Worthington,’” he said. “I needed a name that screamed synergy.”
Within hours of the name change, his LinkedIn profile skyrocketed. He was offered six interviews, one unpaid mentorship, and a mysterious position as “Vice President of Corporate Grit” at a startup that hasn’t legally incorporated.
His new job responsibilities? “Posting vague motivational quotes at 7 a.m. and congratulating strangers on their promotions.”
Company Slack messages show he was welcomed with, “Glad to have you aboard, Mr. LinkedInson. We’re confident in your ability to pivot and thrive with minimal direction or benefits.”
LinkedInson’s daily posts include things like: “Excited to align with growth-hungry disruptors in the vibrancy space.” No one knows what that means.
Critics accuse him of manipulating the algorithm. Others call him a hero. His parents call him Jacob and refuse to acknowledge his brand pivot.
Still, LinkedInson is undeterred. “I’m thrilled to announce I’ve been promoted to Senior Executive of Purposeful Engagement,” he said while eating beans from a can.
He currently lives in a van behind a WeWork.
Cats Get Endorsed for ‘Paw-ssionate Leadership’
Brooklyn, NY — Move over, humans. The cats are on LinkedIn and they are networking with claws out.
Muffin, a domestic longhair with a resume boasting “8 years of scratching executive furniture,” was recently endorsed for “Paw-ssionate Leadership” after knocking a laptop off the kitchen counter during a Zoom call.
Muffin’s owner, freelance UX therapist Trixie Bloom, said the endorsements came after she added her cat as a “co-strategist in remote living experiments.”
“I didn’t expect so many people to endorse him for ‘assertiveness’ and ‘content curation,’ but honestly? He curates furballs on every surface with unmatched consistency.”
Muffin has since collaborated with three feline influencers, launched a pet wellness substack, and gave a TEDxMeow talk on “Authentic Scratching in an Inauthentic World.”
A rival cat named Sir TunaChomp of Poughkeepsie has started sending passive-aggressive DMs: “Let’s circle back and claw some KPIs, Muffin.”
Industry professionals are alarmed.
“I was just endorsed for ‘basic hygiene’ by a Persian named Clarence who poops on yoga mats,” said LinkedIn user Kevin Winthrop. “I don’t feel safe.”
Meanwhile, LinkedIn is beta testing “Meowtoring™,” a mentorship initiative for cats in the startup space.
Muffin’s most recent post:
“You don’t need nine lives. You just need one that purrs with purpose.”
Toddler Says First Word: “Networking”
Los Angeles, CA — In a sign of the professional times, 16-month-old Sage Turner shocked her parents by bypassing the usual “Mama” or “Dada” and uttering her first word: “Networking.”
“It wasn’t even a babble,” said her father, a podcast producer.
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