Scammers Want Your Money. Unfortunately, They've Emailed a Nation Where Everyone Has a Strong Opinion, a Lawyer's Phone Number and Nothing but Time.
AUSTIN, Texas — Email scammers have finally reached the United States, a country where every citizen has an opinion, a lawyer's phone number and a firm view on who deserves to be scammed, and where the national response to a stranger offering free money is a long pause and the words who is this?
The ten scams below are recognizable American email fraud schemes, not an official statistical ranking. The FTC's guidance on impersonation scams and the FTC's fraud reporting site describe many of these tactics. Same ten emails as ever. This time they've been sent to twenty towns across the country, and the towns have thoughts.
American suspicion is regional. Texans will say bless your heart, which means something else entirely. Minnesotans will apologize to the scammer and offer him a casserole. New Yorkers will tell him where to go, efficiently. Californians will ask whether it's on the blockchain, and Floridians will ask whether it's legal in Florida, which it probably is. Somewhere in the middle, a man in Detroit will ask whether the offer includes a union.
The Ten Most Common American Email Scams and Twenty Spectacularly Unhelpful Replies From Across the Country
1. The Nigerian Prince Email Scam: Palo Alto and Astoria Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Dear Beloved Friend,
I am Prince Emmanuel of Nigeria. My late father has left $18,500,000 in a secret account. I wish to transfer this fortune to you. Kindly send your bank details and $450 for legal processing.
God bless you.
Reply A: Brayden Holloway-Chen, 32, startup founder, Palo Alto, California
Hey Prince Emmanuel,
Love the energy.
I'm currently pre-revenue and post-ethics, so the timing is perfect.
Before I wire anything I'd like to schedule a quick call to align on the vision, the timeline and the cap table.
Also, is your father's account on-chain? Because if it isn't, I can't take it seriously.
Reply B: Gus Pappas, 66, diner owner, Astoria, New York
Your Highness,
A prince? I got a guy in here every morning says he's a prince. Orders eggs, pays in quarters.
You wanna give me eighteen million, fine, I'll put it in the register. But I'm not sending four-fifty. I got a rule. Nobody pays to eat at my diner and nobody pays to give me money.
Coffee's on the house. Sit down, you look terrible.
2. The IRS Tax Refund Scam Email: Eau Claire and Dorchester Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Internal Revenue Service
You are eligible for a tax refund of $1,847.63. Your refund will expire within 24 hours unless you confirm your banking information immediately.
Reply A: Doris Lindqvist, 71, retired cheesemaker, Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Dear IRS,
Oh, ope, sorry, I nearly didn't see you there.
A refund? Well, that's something. I'll put it on the fridge.
I don't want to be a bother, but I'd have to ask Gary first, and Gary's at the lake. The lake's frozen. So it'll be spring before I can say no.
You betcha.
Reply B: Jimmy Doherty, 58, union electrician, Dorchester, Massachusetts
Dear IRS,
A refund? Wicked.
I've been paying you since the Dukakis campaign and the only thing you ever sent me was a letter that started with Dear Taxpayer.
I'm no taxpayer. I'm a guy. Send it to the guy.
I'll be at Dunkin'. Look for the Bruins jacket.
Back in the real world, the IRS says it does not initiate contact by email and asks people to report suspicious messages to phishing@irs.gov through its report phishing page.
3. The USPS Package Scam Email: Pittsburgh and Fairbanks Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
USPS DELIVERY NOTICE
We attempted to deliver your package but your address is incomplete. Pay $2.95 and update your information to prevent return to sender.
Reply A: Stan Kowalczyk, 69, retired letter carrier, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Dear USPS,
Address incomplete?
I carried mail up and down the hills of Pittsburgh for thirty-four years. Half the houses don't have a street. They've got steps.
If yinz can't find the place, ask anybody at the grocery store. They'll tell you to turn left where the Isaly's used to be.
Reply B: Hank Dillingham, 63, bush pilot, Fairbanks, Alaska
Dear Sir,
The package can't be delivered?
Friend, I deliver to places that don't have addresses, roads or neighbors.
Last week I dropped a box of diapers on a frozen river. A woman came out of the woods in a parka, thanked me and went back in.
I'd say you're not trying hard enough. Also, it's forty below. Everything's on hold.
The US Postal Inspection Service lets people report mail fraud and suspicious texts and emails pretending to be USPS.
4. The Fake Bank Security Alert Email: Lafayette and Las Vegas Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
URGENT SECURITY ALERT
We have detected unusual activity on your bank account. Your account will be frozen unless you immediately confirm your identity and payment details.
Reply A: Mawmaw Thibodeaux, 78, retired crawfish boiler, Lafayette, Louisiana
Dear Bank,
Cher, you want to talk about unusual activity? My cousin Boudreaux bought a boat and he don't have a lake.
My account been frozen so long it's got frostbite.
I'll confirm my identity when you've eaten. Bring a plate. Bring the whole family.
Reply B: Lou Marchetti, 72, retired blackjack dealer, Las Vegas, Nevada
Dear Sir,
You say you've detected unusual activity?
Pal, I dealt cards for forty years. I've seen a man lose a house, a car and a wedding ring in one hand and then ask me to hold his drink.
Unusual is a tourist who leaves a tip.
Freeze whatever you want. The house always wins.
5. The Microsoft Tech Support Scam Email: Duluth and Amarillo Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
MICROSOFT SECURITY WARNING
Your computer has been infected with dangerous viruses. Our certified support team can remove them immediately. Please contact our technician and authorize remote access.
Reply A: Marvin Halvorsen, 79, retired ice fishing guide, Duluth, Minnesota
Dear Microsoft,
Uff da.
A virus, you say? Well, that's not good.
I'll get my daughter to look at it when she's up for Christmas. It'll be after the hockey game. And after the hotdish.
If it's still bad in March, I'll call back. We don't rush things up here. The lake is slow and so are we.
Reply B: Dale Brewster, 56, cattle rancher, Amarillo, Texas
Dear Technician,
Well, bless your heart.
I've got a computer in the barn and it ain't got a virus, it's got a family of barn swallows.
If you can remote in and move them along, I'll give you a steak the size of a hubcap.
If you can't, y'all get off my property. I'm fixin' to deal with a rattlesnake and I'd hate for you to be in the way.
6. The Romance Scam Email: Savannah and Boise Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
My Dearest Love,
My name is Anastasia. I am 28, beautiful, lonely, and looking for an honest American gentleman. Your photograph touched my heart. Unfortunately, I need $1,200 for an airline ticket so that we can finally be together.
Reply A: Beau Fontaine, 68, retired antiques dealer, Savannah, Georgia
My dearest Anastasia,
Bless your heart.
I was married thirty years. My wife left me for a golf pro named Chip. I'm a delicate man.
I'll consider your proposal, but first I need to know whether you're a Methodist, a Baptist, or one of those people who put pineapple on a ham.
If it's the last one, we're done.
Reply B: Wyatt Pruitt, 47, potato farmer, Boise, Idaho
Dear Anastasia,
I'm a potato farmer. I'm about as romantic as a sack of russets.
But I'll tell you what. I'll send the $1,200 if you can name three kinds of potato.
If you say French fry, we're not a match. That's not a kind of potato. That's a lifestyle.
7. The International Lottery Scam Email: Boca Raton and Bozeman Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
CONGRATULATIONS!
Your email address has been selected as the winner of €4,500,000 in the European International Lottery. To release your winnings, kindly pay the mandatory $650 verification fee.
Reply A: Sheila Goldfarb, 74, retired dental hygienist, Boca Raton, Florida
Dear Lottery Office,
Four and a half million? From Europe?
I'll be honest, I've been to Europe. It was cold, the bathrooms were small and the waiter didn't like me.
I'd take the money, but I'd have to tell my sister Marcia and she'd want half.
Please send it to my other sister in Delray. We haven't spoken since the pool incident.
Reply B: Cody Whitlock, 38, fly fishing guide, Bozeman, Montana
Dear Sir,
I've never won anything in my life except a fifteen-inch trout and a speeding ticket.
A $650 fee? I'd have to sell a rod.
I'll tell you what. Come to Bozeman, I'll take you out on the river, and if you catch more than I do you can keep the winnings.
You won't. Nobody does. Also, bring beer.
8. The CEO Fraud Gift Card Email: Hartford and Detroit Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Hi, this is your Managing Director.
I'm currently in an important meeting and cannot speak. I need you to purchase $500 in Apple gift cards for a confidential client presentation. Email me the codes immediately. Do not tell anyone.
Reply A: Linda Pruitt, 53, insurance office manager, Hartford, Connecticut
Dear Managing Director,
Of course. First I'll need a claim number, a supervisor's approval and a signed form.
Then I'll need a second form for the first form.
We're insurance people. If we'd ever just handed out five hundred dollars on the spot, we'd have gone out of business in 1794.
Please resubmit in writing. We'll respond within six to eight weeks.
Reply B: Ray Kowalski, 61, retired line worker, Detroit, Michigan
Dear Boss,
Gift cards?
I spent thirty-one years on the line and I never once got a gift card. I got a ham at Christmas and a handshake at retirement.
If you want five hundred dollars, take it up with the union. They're on break. They'll be back in March.
9. The Work-From-Home Job Scam Email: Honolulu and Louisville Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Dear Candidate,
You have been selected for an exclusive remote employment position earning $800 daily. No experience required. Work just one hour per day. To begin, pay $95 for registration and training materials.
Reply A: Kai Nakamura, 28, surf instructor, Honolulu, Hawaii
Aloha,
Eight hundred a day for one hour? Brah, I teach surfing. I'm already working one hour a day. The other seven I'm lying on the sand.
I accept.
But if there's a Monday meeting, I'm out. The waves don't care about your agenda.
Reply B: Buford Pettigrew, 70, retired bourbon taster, Louisville, Kentucky
Dear Employer,
One hour a day? I tasted bourbon for thirty-eight years and that was the hardest hour of every day.
I accept.
I'll need a rocking chair, a porch and a pension. And a hat. I can't work without a hat.
10. The Cryptocurrency Investment Scam Email: Charlotte and Portland Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
EXCLUSIVE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY
Our revolutionary cryptocurrency platform guarantees 300% returns in just seven days. Deposit $1,000 today and watch your wealth multiply. Risk-free investment. Limited availability.
Reply A: Preston Whitaker III, 51, regional bank vice president, Charlotte, North Carolina
Dear Sir,
Three hundred percent in seven days?
We have a name for that at the bank. It's called the Tuesday before the audit.
I'll bring it to the committee. They'll form a subcommittee. The subcommittee will form a task force.
I'll be in touch by the third quarter of 2031.
Reply B: Woody Beal, 66, lobsterman, Portland, Maine
Dear Sir,
Ayuh.
I've fished the same bay for forty years. The only things I ever invested in are traps and a boat, and the boat's mostly a hole with a motor.
You say risk-free? I've been out in a gale in February with a bad knee.
Nothing's risk-free, friend. Not even the bait.
The SEC's Investor.gov publishes guidance on investment fraud and crypto assets, including a list of red flags to check before sending money to a guaranteed return.
The Federal Sub-Committee for the Prevention of Financial Nonsense Proposes a National Counter-Fraud Plan
Following the correspondence, the Federal Sub-Committee for the Prevention of Financial Nonsense has proposed an ambitious national plan. Rather than a new cybersecurity agency, each suspected scammer would be assigned a state, a diner and a man who has opinions.
Fraudsters who contact Palo Alto would be required to sit through an entire pitch meeting about the vision, the timeline and the cap table. Those who contact Minnesota would be apologized to until they hang up. Crypto promoters would be sent to Portland, Maine, to explain risk-free returns to a lobsterman with a bad knee.
Every overseas prince, the committee adds, would be sent to Hartford and asked to fill in the second form for the first form. Linda Pruitt estimates that nobody would be seen again before 2031.
The committee also estimates that any criminal forced to explain a fake IRS refund to a Dorchester electrician for longer than six minutes would begin questioning his career choices.
Americans have welcomed the proposals, although Doris Lindqvist insists the real victory would be persuading somebody to show up for the cable appointment.
"I've been waiting for the cable guy since 2019," she explained. "He said between eight and five. If these criminals are so clever, let them have a go."
15 Humorous Observations About Email Scammers in America
- A Nigerian prince wants to give you $18 million. Your brother-in-law won't give you a ride to the airport.
- The IRS suddenly wants to refund your money. That alone should trigger a congressional hearing.
- USPS can't deliver your package because your address is incomplete. It's been in the same sorting facility since August.
- Your bank has detected unusual activity. Yes, you bought a $14 salad. Flag it.
- Microsoft says your computer has a virus. Your computer is a 2011 Dell running on spite and a software update you've been postponing since 2014.
- A beautiful 28-year-old woman loves you. You've been married 43 years and your wife still won't let you pick the movie.
- You've won a lottery you never entered. Finally, an investment strategy that makes sense.
- Your boss needs $500 in gift cards. Your boss has never once picked up the lunch tab.
- A stranger offers you $800 a day working from home. You've worked from home since 2020 and your dog still hasn't paid rent.
- Bitcoin will make you rich. So will selling Bitcoin courses to people who watch Bitcoin videos.
- Every scammer has an urgent deadline. Even your doctor makes you wait six weeks, then fifty minutes in the lobby.
- Every scammer is a prince, a general, a billionaire or a beautiful widow. None of them can afford the shipping.
- Scammers are remarkably polite until you ask them to prove anything. So is every customer service line.
- Scammers demand confidentiality because their business model collapses the moment you post it on Facebook.
- The best defense against email fraud may be a retired American with a cup of coffee, a bad hip and absolutely no plans except to write a strongly worded review.
How to Report a Scam Email in the United States Before Anyone Actually Hits Reply
These are comedy exchanges, not recommended messages to send to real scammers. Replying confirms that an email address is active and can invite further fraud attempts.
The safer approach is to avoid clicking links, opening attachments or providing details. Report scams to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov, then delete the email. Suspicious messages that claim to come from the IRS go to phishing@irs.gov, and mail or package scams can be reported to the US Postal Inspection Service.
If money has already gone, contact your bank straight away, then file a complaint with the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center, the central hub for reporting cyber-enabled crime.
Disclaimer
This article is satire, including the characters, correspondence and committee proceedings. It is presented as an entirely human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
SOURCE: https://reportfraud.ftc.gov/ https://prat.uk/?p=51944
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