Scammers Want Your Money. Unfortunately, They've Emailed a Country Where Everything Is Already Trying to Kill You and Nobody Has Time for a Prince.
SYDNEY — Email scammers have finally found Australia, a country where every living thing already wants your money, your skin or your thongs, and where the national response to any stranger with a deal is a long squint and the words yeah, nah.
The ten scams below are recognisable Australian email fraud schemes, not an official statistical ranking. The government's Scamwatch service and the Australian Cyber Security Centre's scam guidance describe many of these tactics. Same ten emails as ever, now sent to twenty towns that have never trusted anything they couldn't kick the tyres on.
Australian suspicion comes in regional strains. Queenslanders will ask whether it's legal and whether it's cold. Western Australians are three time zones from the rest of the country and have learned to trust nobody who isn't also a long way from anywhere. Tasmanians assume it's a cousin. Victorians will claim they spotted it first and Sydney will say it's worth less in Melbourne. The scammer, meanwhile, will be sitting there waiting for a click, and the only thing he'll receive is a story about a snake.
The Ten Most Common Australian Email Scams and Twenty Spectacularly Unhelpful Aussie Replies
1. The Nigerian Prince Email Scam: Bondi and Coober Pedy Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Dear Beloved Friend,
I am Prince Emmanuel of Nigeria. My late father has left $18,500,000 in a secret account. I wish to transfer this fortune to you. Kindly send your bank details and $450 for legal processing.
God bless you.
Reply A: Chloe Whitmore-Page, 29, wellness influencer, Bondi, New South Wales
Hi Prince Emmanuel,
Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm so grateful for this opportunity and I'll be sharing it with my 41 followers.
Before I send any money I'm going to need a collab brief, a discount code and a flat white.
Also, is your father's fortune gluten free? I can only receive abundance that's gluten free.
Reply B: Bluey Dunstan, 71, opal miner, Coober Pedy, South Australia
Dear Prince,
I live in a hole in the ground and it's forty-eight degrees outside, so I'll keep this short.
I've been digging for opal since 1974 and I've found about eleven dollars.
If you've got 18 million lying around, you're digging in the wrong country, mate. Try here. I'll lend you a shovel.
2. The ATO Tax Refund Scam Email: Toowoomba and Wagga Wagga Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Australian Taxation Office
You are eligible for a tax refund of $1,847.63. Your refund will expire within 24 hours unless you confirm your banking information immediately.
Reply A: Marge Doolan, 68, retired tax clerk, Toowoomba, Queensland
Dear ATO,
A refund?
I worked in the tax office for thirty years and I can tell you that if a refund arrives by email, it's from a man in a basement with a laptop and no shame.
Please send the real one by post, with a cover letter, in triplicate, like it was in 1994.
I'll know it's you by the smell of the carbon paper.
Reply B: Daz Pickett, 44, sparky, Wagga Wagga, New South Wales
G'day ATO,
Refund? Bewdy.
I'll be honest, I did my tax return in a servo car park last June with a sausage roll in one hand.
I claimed a ute, two dogs and a barbecue as work equipment.
If you give me money for that you're not the ATO, you're a mate. Where do I sign?
Back in the real world, the Australian Taxation Office publishes scam alerts so people can compare the genuine thing with the fake.
3. The Australia Post Parcel Scam Email: Broken Hill and Alice Springs Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
AUSTRALIA POST DELIVERY NOTICE
We attempted to deliver your parcel but your address is incomplete. Pay $2.95 and update your information to prevent return to sender.
Reply A: Lorraine Gubbins, 74, retired postie, Broken Hill, New South Wales
Dear Australia Post,
Address incomplete?
I rode a motorbike around Broken Hill for thirty-one years. Our street numbers are more of a suggestion.
Look for the house with the ute on blocks and the kelpie that hates you. That's mine. The other one's also mine.
Just leave the parcel in the dunny.
Reply B: Roo Tilden, 58, road train driver, Alice Springs, Northern Territory
Dear Sir,
I'm somewhere between Alice and Darwin and I don't have an address. I've got a GPS coordinate and a thermos.
If you can find me, you can deliver it.
Last bloke who tried got a flat tyre, a snake in his boot and a free lesson in humility.
Australia Post says suspicious emails that appear to come from it can be forwarded to scams@auspost.com.au, and its own online security page explains what to do.
4. The Fake Bank Security Alert Email: Geelong and Mildura Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
URGENT SECURITY ALERT
We have detected unusual activity on your bank account. Your account will be frozen unless you immediately confirm your identity and payment details.
Reply A: Bernadette O'Shaughnessy, 61, bank teller, Geelong, Victoria
Dear Bank,
Unusual activity?
I worked in a branch for thirty-five years and the most unusual thing I ever saw was a man paying off his mortgage early. We had to give him a lie-down.
If I'm frozen, that's fine. Melbourne's been calling Geelong cold for years and I've had to take it.
Reply B: Wayne Puckett, 55, citrus grower, Mildura, Victoria
Dear Sir,
Frozen? In Mildura?
It's thirty-nine degrees and my account is the only cool thing in town. Leave it frozen.
Also, your email says to confirm my identity. I'm the bloke with the oranges. Everyone knows me. I haven't paid for a beer since 2011.
5. The Microsoft Tech Support Scam Email: Launceston and Byron Bay Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
MICROSOFT SECURITY WARNING
Your computer has been infected with dangerous viruses. Our certified support team can remove them immediately. Please contact our technician and authorise remote access.
Reply A: Winifred Hargreaves, 80, retired librarian, Launceston, Tasmania
Dear Microsoft,
A virus? How alarming.
I've kept my computer in a cardigan since 2012 and nothing has got in or out.
Is it true you can fix it remotely? We can't even get the NBN to Launceston remotely.
Reply B: Sky Moonbeam-Rhodes, 33, crystal healer, Byron Bay, New South Wales
Hi Microsoft,
Thank you for the heads up. My laptop and I have been feeling a bit off lately and I think it's Mercury retrograde.
I'll ask my crystals if they consent to remote access.
They said no. They said you have bad energy.
Also, you've emailed my ex. We've been done since the full moon.
6. The Romance Scam Email: Kalgoorlie and Cairns Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
My Dearest Love,
My name is Anastasia. I am 28, beautiful, lonely, and looking for an honest Australian gentleman. Your photograph touched my heart. Unfortunately, I need $1,200 for an airline ticket so that we can finally be together.
Reply A: Gus Kowalski, 63, retired mine surveyor, Kalgoorlie, Western Australia
Dear Anastasia,
I'm touched. Nobody's called me beautiful since 1998, and that was a drill rig.
I'll send the $1,200 on one condition. You come to Kalgoorlie.
It's forty degrees, the pub's got forty-two types of beer and there's one woman in town, and she's my sister.
Reply B: Tubby Maloney, 49, reef tour skipper, Cairns, Queensland
My dear Anastasia,
I love you too. I've also never met you, and that's the best relationship I've ever had.
My ex-wife's solicitor says it's a record.
I'll send the $1,200 as soon as I've finished feeding the crocodiles and refilling the esky. Don't wait up.
7. The International Lottery Scam Email: Margaret River and Mount Isa Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
CONGRATULATIONS!
Your email address has been selected as the winner of €4,500,000 in the European International Lottery. To release your winnings, kindly pay the mandatory $650 verification fee.
Reply A: Penelope Charlton-Webb, 66, boutique winery owner, Margaret River, Western Australia
Dear Lottery Office,
Four and a half million euros? How gauche.
I'd prefer to be paid in barrels. Preferably oak, preferably French, preferably tax-deductible.
I should warn you that I have never entered anything without a tasting note.
Reply B: Col Hennessy, 57, rodeo clown, Mount Isa, Queensland
Dear Sir,
I haven't won anything since the bull got me in '09.
A verification fee? I've paid fees all my life. Hospital fees, vet fees, bail fees.
Just take it out of the winnings and send me the change in cash. Make sure it's in before the Isa rodeo, because I'm buying a round.
8. The CEO Fraud Gift Card Email: Dubbo and Gympie Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Hi, this is your Managing Director.
I'm currently in an important meeting and cannot speak. I need you to purchase $500 in Apple gift cards for a confidential client presentation. Email me the codes immediately. Do not tell anyone.
Reply A: Sandra Peabody, 52, office manager, Dubbo, New South Wales
Dear Managing Director,
Of course. First I'll need to know which of you it is.
We have two. One's in Sydney and one's in Dubbo, and neither has met the other since the Christmas party of 2017.
If it's the Sydney one, he's asked me for gift cards before and I told him to ring his mother.
If it's the Dubbo one, he's standing behind me and he's going red.
Reply B: Kev Hargrave, 47, hardware store manager, Gympie, Queensland
G'day boss,
Gift cards? We don't sell them. We sell bolts.
If you want $500 of Apple, try the fruit shop.
Alternatively, I've got a cracking deal on a bag of cement. Hang on, I'll check the sausage sizzle.
9. The Work-From-Home Job Scam Email: Fremantle and Bendigo Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Dear Candidate,
You have been selected for an exclusive remote employment position earning $800 daily. No experience required. Work just one hour per day. To begin, pay $95 for registration and training materials.
Reply A: Lockie Brandt, 24, uni dropout and barista, Fremantle, Western Australia
Hello,
$800 a day for one hour? That's the best offer I've had since the barista job, which pays $27 an hour and a free croissant.
I accept.
I'll need a laptop, a quiet room and someone to explain what a laptop is for.
Reply B: Dorothy Pascoe, 85, retired shearer's cook, Bendigo, Victoria
Dear Employer,
One hour a day? In my day we started at four in the morning and finished when the sheep did.
I'll take the job.
I'll want a cuppa on arrival, a pension and a scone. If the scone isn't warm, I'm gone.
10. The Cryptocurrency Investment Scam Email: Tamworth and Hobart Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
EXCLUSIVE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY
Our revolutionary cryptocurrency platform guarantees 300% returns in just seven days. Deposit $1,000 today and watch your wealth multiply. Risk-free investment. Limited availability.
Reply A: Waylon Dobbs, 59, country music singer, Tamworth, New South Wales
Dear Crypto Expert,
Three hundred per cent in seven days?
That's better than my last album, which made $31 and a bad review from my mother.
I'll invest everything I've got. It's two guitars, a ute and a hat.
If it works, I'll write a song about you. It'll be sad and it'll have a dog in it.
Reply B: Fiona McBride, 41, museum curator, Hobart, Tasmania
Dear Sir,
Guaranteed?
I work in a museum. I spend all day with things that were guaranteed forever. The Tasmanian tiger, for one.
If you can't guarantee the tiger, I can't take your word on the dollars.
Please send documentation. And a ferry timetable.
The government's Moneysmart investment warnings explain the sales tactics and schemes behind promises like these, and point readers to ASIC for current investment scam alerts.
The Commonwealth Sub-Committee for the Prevention of Financial Nonsense Proposes a National Counter-Fraud Plan
Following the correspondence, the Commonwealth Sub-Committee for the Prevention of Financial Nonsense has proposed an ambitious national plan. Rather than funding a new cybersecurity agency, each suspected scammer would be assigned a town, a pub and a man called Col.
Fraudsters who contact Coober Pedy would be lowered into a hole and asked to explain themselves. Romance scammers would be sent to Kalgoorlie to meet Gus Kowalski's sister. Crypto promoters would be required to sit through an entire Tamworth album, all of it sad, most of it about a dog.
Every overseas prince, the committee adds, would be sent to Alice Springs and asked to find Roo Tilden. Roo estimates that nobody has located him since Easter.
The committee also estimates that any criminal forced to explain a fake ATO refund to a Toowoomba tax clerk for longer than six minutes would begin questioning his career choices.
Australians have welcomed the proposals, although Winifred Hargreaves insists the real victory would be persuading somebody to bring the NBN to Launceston.
"I've been waiting for decent internet since 2012," she explained. "If these criminals are so clever, let them have a go."
15 Humorous Observations About Email Scammers in Australia
- A Nigerian prince wants to give you $18 million. Your own family won't lend you twenty bucks for a servo pie.
- The ATO suddenly wants to refund your money. That alone should trigger a royal commission.
- Australia Post can't deliver your parcel because your address is missing. It's past the second cattle grid. They know.
- Your bank has detected unusual activity. Yes, you bought a coffee for under five dollars. Call the police.
- Microsoft says your computer has a virus. Your computer is running Windows XP and the only thing keeping it alive is hope.
- A beautiful 28-year-old woman loves you. You've been married 43 years and your wife has made you sleep in the shed since Origin.
- You've won a lottery you never entered. Finally, a better deal than Lotto.
- Your boss needs $500 in gift cards. Your boss hasn't settled the Christmas party bar tab since 2016.
- A stranger offers you $800 a day working from home. You've worked from home since the lockdowns and your cat still won't pay you.
- Bitcoin will make you rich. So will digging a hole in Coober Pedy.
- Every scammer has an urgent deadline. Even the ambulance takes four hours in the bush.
- Every scammer is a prince, a general, a billionaire or a beautiful widow. None of them can afford the postage to Alice Springs.
- Scammers are remarkably polite until you ask them to prove anything. So are used-car salesmen.
- Scammers demand secrecy because in a town of 600 the whole pub knows before you've finished typing.
- The best defence against email fraud may be an Australian with a cold stubby, a bad sunburn and no plans for the arvo.
How to Report a Scam Email in Australia Before Anyone Actually Hits Reply
These are comedy exchanges, not recommended messages to send to real scammers. Replying confirms that an email address is active and can invite further fraud attempts.
The safer approach is to avoid clicking links, opening attachments or providing details. Report scams to Scamwatch, then delete the email. Suspicious emails that appear to come from Australia Post can be forwarded to scams@auspost.com.au.
If money has already gone, contact your bank straight away, then report the cybercrime through the Australian Cyber Security Centre's ReportCyber service, which is explained on the cyber.gov.au scams page. Check the ATO's scam alerts before trusting any tax email.
Disclaimer
This article is satire, including the characters, correspondence and committee proceedings. It is presented as an entirely human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
SOURCE: https://www.scamwatch.gov.au/report-a-scam https://prat.uk/?p=51943
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