Palace Weighs Rule Requiring Second Sons to File Feelings in Triplicate
LONDON - Prince William has been placed at the centre of Britain's latest royal controversy following allegations that his younger brother Harry and sister-in-law Meghan are conducting an unofficial revenge campaign against the monarchy.
The allegations, described by Yahoo Entertainment, have prompted constitutional observers to consider whether the heir to the throne holds any legal authority over his younger brother's opinions, charitable engagements or choice of breakfast cereal.
The answer appears to be no, although several royal commentators believe this may be an unfortunate oversight by the authors of the British constitution.
A proposed emergency palace meeting would therefore have to address a problem older than the monarchy itself: the younger brother who refuses to stop being a younger brother.
Prince William Confronts the Limits of Being the Older Brother
For centuries, British primogeniture has ensured that the eldest eligible child inherits the throne.
The arrangement is relatively straightforward. One child eventually becomes monarch, while the others must find alternative occupations involving military service, philanthropy, ribbon cutting or explaining to journalists why they aren't jealous.
The system works reasonably well until somebody mistakes being first in line for the throne for being first in line to approve everybody else's decisions.
William's difficulty is particularly complicated because Harry has already announced that he wants reconciliation. According to Reuters coverage of Prince Harry's stated desire for family reconciliation, Harry told GQ in October that mending family relationships mattered more to him than continuing disputes.
Royal experts have therefore been required to explain why a man publicly asking for peace should be treated as though he were preparing to storm Windsor Castle.
One suggested that Harry's language was suspiciously conciliatory.
"Anybody can threaten somebody," explained an analyst of princely rivalries. "But offering to forgive them? That requires planning."
The analyst warned that Harry could employ kindness as a psychological weapon, leaving William with no obvious opportunity to respond angrily without appearing unreasonable.
This is known in diplomatic circles as the unacceptable burden of being offered an olive branch.
Royal Diary Becomes Britain's Most Expensive Sibling Rivalry
Particular concern surrounds the possibility of competing engagements.
If William visits a school on Monday and Harry visits a charity on Tuesday, commentators must decide whether Harry deliberately selected Tuesday to humiliate William or whether Tuesday simply followed Monday, as it traditionally has.
The second explanation is less profitable.
Palace advisers have consequently been encouraged to examine a system under which royal relatives submit proposed engagements to a central committee responsible for working out whether somebody else might enjoy the publicity. The committee would consider location, charitable purpose, press attendance, clothing and the likelihood that a photographer could capture one brother smiling more convincingly than the other.
Under a preliminary proposal, Harry could attend public events only when William was asleep, overseas or otherwise occupied. Unfortunately, since William travels internationally and sleeps approximately every night, critics believe the arrangement could still produce accidental overlap.
A more comprehensive solution would allow only one member of the royal family to be photographed per calendar day. The Royal Family Publicity Rationing Act would eliminate scheduling disputes while sparing the British public the distressing spectacle of two princes performing charitable activities at the same time.
The legislation would also create work for approximately 400 additional diary coordinators.
William Discovers That Brothers Cannot Be Replaced by Committees
The deeper issue, of course, is the relationship between the two princes.
Harry and William grew up sharing an extraordinary family life, a national spotlight and experiences few brothers could fully explain to outsiders.
Their disagreement has since become a permanent industry in which journalists earn money interpreting what one brother secretly thinks about the other.
The difficulty is that the public gets only fragments of the relationship, usually filtered through commentators who have never been invited into the conversations they describe. Yet this has never stopped those commentators from developing remarkable certainty.
One television expert explained William's feelings by examining a photograph in which the prince appeared to be looking toward a doorway.
"The angle of his shoulders suggests disappointment," the commentator announced.
A second expert disagreed, interpreting the posture as evidence of guarded optimism.
A third believed William was simply waiting for somebody to open the door.
The third expert was not invited back.
At the palace's Department of Unresolved Childhood Arguments, officials have reportedly discussed whether the brothers might benefit from sitting in the same room and talking. The suggestion was immediately referred to legal advisers, because no constitutional precedent could be found for letting two adult princes resolve a disagreement without issuing competing statements.
Buckingham Palace Considers Licensing Opinions
The proposed new system would distinguish between authorised and unauthorised royal opinions.
William, as heir, would hold the right to express opinions on major subjects. Harry would keep the right to express opinions on minor subjects, provided they didn't accidentally become major subjects by attracting newspaper attention.
Meghan's opinions would be referred to a separate committee, which would meet after every journalist in Britain had already written about them.
Catherine would be exempt from the entire procedure, since her involvement in this supposedly endless feud has already given royal commentators enough material to support a small television network.
One palace traditionalist defended the proposed restrictions.
"We can't allow princes to develop completely independent opinions," he explained. "The next thing you know, one of them may suggest choosing a career."
For William, the most inconvenient possibility remains that his brother isn't actually planning revenge at all. Harry may simply want his family back.
If that proves true, royal experts will face their greatest challenge yet: explaining how the younger brother's desire for a relationship constitutes an attack on the older brother's constitutional rights.
The monarchy has managed succession for a thousand years. It has yet to develop an effective procedure for telling two grown men to stop behaving as though they're still arguing over the front seat.
Five Humorous Observations
- An emergency meeting about his little brother having an opinion. Every older brother in the world just looked up from their phones and said, "Yeah, that tracks."
- Four hundred new diary coordinators so two grown men don't both go to a charity on the same day. My family can't coordinate who's bringing the potato salad, and we've never needed a single coordinator. We just yell.
- The third expert was "not invited back." For saying the guy was waiting for somebody to open a door. Which is the only correct answer anyone gave. That's the TV business: tell the truth once and you're done.
- They're worried Harry will use kindness as a weapon. You know who else uses that? Every mother who ever said, "No, no, it's fine." That's not diplomacy, that's a nuclear option.
- No constitutional precedent for two adult men sitting in a room and talking. Of course not. Men have never done that. We've got a Super Bowl for it.
SOURCE: Yahoo Entertainment
This disclaimer has been filed in triplicate, as is now required of second sons. Nothing here establishes any alleged revenge plot, and the emergency meetings and opinion licences are comic exaggeration of reported royal tensions. The world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer are both only children and decline to comment. Unsure? See how to tell satire from real news. https://prat.uk/?p=54139
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