Palace Says It Does Not Comment on Planets
WINDSOR, England — A Buckingham Palace spokesman declined to discuss reports that Scientology has taken an interest in the royal family, saying the Palace does not comment on private matters, or on planets. The second part of the statement followed a letter from Prince George asking who administers Jupiter.
The reports trace to a StyleCaster piece of 28 October on Tom Cruise and his friendship with the Prince and Princess of Wales, which it describes as a delicate subject in royal circles. The article rests on unnamed sources and concerns adults. Neither child is said to have been approached by anyone.
Britain's royal commentators took it from there. A moderately interesting photograph is usually enough to send them looking for the constitution, and by Thursday several had found it and expressed concern. The Wales children, who have more practical experience of how institutions work, got on with their negotiating.
Prince George Writes to the Crown Estate About Jupiter
George's first move was to ask the landlord. He wrote to the Crown Estate, which manages property on the Crown's behalf, to ask whether Jupiter was on its books. The Crown Estate is understood to have replied that its portfolio covers the seabed, a large part of Regent Street and a good deal of farmland, and that it holds no interest in gas giants. George asked who he should write to next. A clerk suggested the Almighty. George asked for the address.
Scientology, for its part, is said to have put Jupiter to its advisers as a matter of spiritual freedom rather than real estate. George took notes, then asked whether spiritual freedom came with exclusive landing rights. It did not, and he said he would have to take it up with his grandfather.
Statement From the Palace Press Office
The Palace does not comment on private matters, or on planets.
Issued from Buckingham Palace. Further enquiries about Jupiter should be directed to Jupiter.
Princess Charlotte Asks for a Seat on the Privy Council
Charlotte approached the matter as a question of governance. She asked how one joins the Privy Council, was told that membership is by appointment of the sovereign on the advice of ministers, and observed that the sovereign is her grandfather. Nobody at the table disputed the logic.
Scientology's recruiters, meanwhile, were asked to submit their organisation chart in triplicate, with a covering letter. Charlotte reviewed the chart, struck out seven departments and returned it with a note that the covering letter should have been on better paper. Mr Cruise was offered a ceremonial post, Assistant Vice President for Running Very Fast Through Corridors, which staff described as generous given that he had not applied.
The E-Meter Goes Into the Royal Household
Scientology describes auditing as a form of spiritual counselling that can involve a device called an E-meter. According to the Church of Scientology's own explanation, it is used in religious auditing and is not intended for medical diagnosis.
George wanted to use it to find his PE kit. The device returned an inconclusive reading and the kit turned up in the car. Charlotte pointed it at the morning tea, which had arrived at what she called an unconstitutional temperature, and the senior butler was asked to attend a meeting about it. The meeting was minuted.
Minutes of the Windsor Household Meeting, Item 4
Present: Senior Butler; Princess Charlotte (in the chair); Prince George (late).
4.1 The Chair opened by asking why the tea was lukewarm. The Senior Butler said it had been hot when it left the kitchen.
4.2 The Chair observed that this was not the same thing. The Senior Butler agreed.
4.3 Prince George asked whether the E-meter could locate his PE kit. The E-meter was inconclusive. The kit was in the car.
4.4 The meeting lasted forty minutes. The tea was found satisfactory. The explanation was not. Action: Senior Butler to bring a thermometer.
Church of England Convenes a Working Group
King Charles III is Supreme Governor of the Church of England, a role set out on the Royal Family's official website, and William will inherit it. The Church of England has responded in the manner of the institution, which is to say it has formed a working group. The group will study Tom Cruise and is expected to report in 2031.
The office of the Archbishop of Canterbury is understood to have been alerted after George asked whether Sunday school included fighter pilots. Charlotte asked why the Church had no celebrity ambassador who could jump between skyscrapers. An elderly canon pointed out that the Archbishop was quite good at crossing a car park in the rain. The children took this as a no.
Windsor Estate Bills Tom Cruise for Corridor Use
Mr Cruise visited Windsor to discuss his friendship with the Prince and Princess of Wales and, according to estate staff, spent part of the afternoon running along the east corridor without being asked. Staff were advised not to applaud. The estate office has since issued an invoice, a copy of which was seen by this newspaper.
Windsor Estate Office: Invoice No. W/2026/1042
Billed to: Mr T. Cruise, c/o his representatives. Terms: 14 days.
Item
Qty
Each
Amount
Corridor use, running, per hour
3
£85.00
£255.00
Scuff marks, east corridor, restoration
1
£140.00
£140.00
Biscuits consumed
36
£0.75
£27.00
Visitor car park, one day
1
£12.00
£12.00
Subtotal
£434.00
VAT at 20%
£86.80
Total due
£520.80
Past Lives and the National Curriculum
Scientology teaches that the thetan is an immortal spiritual being whose existence runs beyond a single lifetime. George saw an opening. If he had lived before, he said, someone may already have done his Year Eight mathematics, and the credit should transfer. Charlotte asked for a reference. George said it was in a previous life and would have to be requested in writing.
The inspection framework published by Ofsted makes no provision for previous incarnations, a point William raised when he asked whether either child had finished their homework. Both lost interest in theology at once.
Online Review: Windsor Castle Gift Shop
★☆☆☆☆ One star
Asked for Jupiter. They had mugs. Also tea towels and a postcard of the Round Tower. No planets of any kind. The assistant said she would "look into it." Manager unhelpful. Will return with a solicitor.
A Young Customer, Windsor. Verified purchase (one postcard).
King Charles Has a Quiet Word and Then Pours the Tea
Charles has to be careful. If he tells a church to stop recruiting he sounds intolerant, and if he tells his grandson to join he complicates the coronation, particularly if the future monarch wants to combine the Archbishop's service with a film premiere. George offered a compromise: Anglican on Sundays, Scientology on Mondays and Tuesdays reserved for whichever religion kept its sermons shortest. Charlotte objected that this left Wednesday without executive supervision. The King retreated to the garden, where the plants continued to ask for nothing.
The Archbishop is reported to have restored calm by offering everyone tea. George asked whether the tea came with Jupiter. Charlotte asked who was supervising the kitchen. Scientology's final offer was refused on the grounds that it did not include a princess, and Charlotte's counter-offer, that Scientology must first join the monarchy and recognise her as the person who makes the decisions, is understood to be under review.
10 Humorous Observations on Scientology and the Wales Children
- The Palace "does not comment on planets." Nobody in the history of language has ever needed that sentence, and now it's company policy.
- George wrote to the Crown Estate about Jupiter. Other kids write to Father Christmas. He went straight to the landlord.
- Charlotte wants a seat on the Privy Council. It's the one body in Britain that meets in secret, and she wants in because she wasn't invited.
- Scientology has to submit its organisation chart in triplicate. Triplicate. Tom Cruise has jumped off a building and he's never done triplicate.
- The E-meter can't find a PE kit. The PE kit was in the car. That's the most British technology failure there is.
- The Church of England has formed a working group on Tom Cruise. It reports in 2031. By then he'll be 69, and still running.
- Windsor billed Tom Cruise £520.80 for running in a corridor. Eighty-five quid an hour. That's cheaper than his stunt double and nearly as fast.
- Ofsted doesn't cover past lives. Nobody's inspecting whether you did your homework in 1066.
- The Archbishop answered the crisis the only way he knows how: tea. Every British emergency ends with someone asking if you'd like one.
- Two royal children told Hollywood no. Britain hasn't been that firm with America since 1776.
Written by two human beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Neither has been granted ownership of Jupiter, though talks remain cordial. https://prat.uk/?p=54605
Comments
Post a Comment