Campaigners Want a Carbon-Neutral 007 Who Defeats Terrorists With Dialogue
LONDON - Britain's political left has a problem with James Bond. He drinks too much, drives too fast, carries a gun, pursues beautiful women, wears expensive suits and now and then suggests that Britain is a country worth defending.
Apart from that, he is apparently an excellent candidate for modernisation.
As Amazon MGM Studios conducts final screen tests for the next 007, the ideological question hanging over Britain's most famous secret agent is no longer simply who should play James Bond. It is whether James Bond should be permitted to behave like James Bond.
According to Variety's reporting on the latest James Bond auditions, Callum Turner and Jack Lowden are among the actors under consideration. Neither has been officially confirmed as the next Bond. Euronews reported in June that the search had entered its final stage, with screen tests planned for August.
Keir Starmer's Female James Bond Proposal
Britain's progressive debate about the character has a genuine political history. In September 2021, Labour leader Keir Starmer argued that it was time for a female James Bond. The Independent documented Starmer's proposal for a woman to play 007, which showed that Britain's politicians were prepared to reform international espionage even when nobody had asked them to.
Starmer was unable to identify his favourite Bond actor but was confident that the next one should be a woman.
This is a familiar British political achievement: not knowing which version of something works best while being absolutely certain that it requires fundamental reform.
Is James Bond Too Masculine for Progressive Cinema?
The fundamental objection to James Bond is that he behaves like an extraordinarily confident man. He does not spend three days composing a text message. He does not ask a government department for permission to flirt. He does not require six counselling sessions after somebody disagrees with him.
When an international criminal threatens civilisation, Bond generally responds with a firearm. This is considered problematic because modern political thinking increasingly prefers dialogue.
A progressive Bond might approach the villain with a different strategy.
"Blofeld, before you activate that nuclear missile, I'd like to understand what experiences have brought you to this point."
"Mr Bond, I intend to destroy London."
"I hear your frustration."
"I have 40 nuclear warheads."
"And I appreciate your honesty."
The missile launches. Bond schedules a follow-up meeting. The United Nations congratulates everyone on a constructive exchange.
James Bond's Licence to Kill Replaced With a Licence to Facilitate Dialogue
The famous designation 007 has presented another problem. The two zeros traditionally indicate a licence to kill. A hypothetical progressive review would replace this authority with a licence to initiate stakeholder consultations, provided an equality impact assessment has been completed.
The new designation would be 00DEI.
The agent would carry no pistol, because firearms represent an escalation of conflict. Instead, he would carry a reusable water bottle, a safeguarding policy and a government-approved leaflet explaining the importance of respecting international boundaries. His greatest weapon would be an adequately funded outreach programme.
In the classic films, Bond infiltrated heavily guarded military installations. Under the revised arrangements, he would invite the guards to a workshop examining the historical causes of aggression. The guards would happily attend. Their employer would continue constructing the nuclear missile.
At least everybody would have received a certificate.
James Bond's Aston Martin Faces a Net Zero Review
Bond's Aston Martin is another embarrassment. For generations, British audiences have celebrated a secret agent driving an enormously powerful automobile through the streets of European capitals while destroying whatever obstacles happen to appear.
In keeping with the government's net zero strategy, the revised Bond would travel by electric bus. The environmental advantages would be considerable. The disadvantages would become apparent during the first international pursuit.
A terrorist escapes in a helicopter. Bond arrives at the bus stop. The electronic display announces that his service has been cancelled.
Bond telephones MI6.
"Permission to requisition a vehicle?"
"Have you considered cycling?"
"He's transporting enriched uranium."
"Excellent. That should make him easy to identify."
Bond hires an electric bicycle. Unfortunately, the battery has insufficient range to reach the terrorist's secret headquarters, and the villain conquers Europe. The Department for Transport announces a substantial reduction in Bond's personal carbon footprint.
James Bond's Martini Habit Violates Public Health Guidance
The British left's hypothetical modernisation programme would also examine Bond's drinking. For decades, audiences have associated the secret agent with a vodka martini, shaken rather than stirred. A modern Bond might be asked to select a nonalcoholic alternative.
"Martini?"
"Sparkling water, please."
"Shaken or stirred?"
"Neither. I'm monitoring my hydration."
The bartender stares. Bond explains that he is participating in a government initiative to reduce alcohol consumption.
Across the casino, a Russian assassin begins reconsidering his career. He came expecting the world's most dangerous intelligence officer. Instead, he has encountered a man who resembles the assistant manager of a leisure centre.
Bond's famous romantic adventures would also require reconsideration. Previous Bond films portrayed women as sophisticated intelligence officers, criminals, allies and romantic interests, sometimes with overlapping job descriptions. Modern Hollywood could certainly create stronger female characters without requiring the male protagonist to surrender his personality.
Former Bond producer Barbara Broccoli argued that women deserve substantial original roles rather than simply inheriting an established male character. Her position was reported in Sky News' coverage of the female James Bond debate.
The irony is that a woman who helped produce some of the world's most successful action films understood something political campaigners occasionally overlook. Women do not need to become James Bond to be interesting. They can have their own stories. And they can shoot the villains themselves.
James Bond Accused of Excessive British Patriotism
The hardest problem is Bond's employment. He works for MI6, and his mission is to protect Britain. This was once considered a perfectly reasonable activity for a British intelligence officer.
The progressive reinvention would need to establish whether defending Britain's national interests might create uncomfortable feelings among countries whose interests differ from Britain's.
Consider the traditional Bond plot. A foreign billionaire plans to destroy London, seize control of the world's energy supply and establish a criminal empire. Bond receives orders to stop him.
The new Bond might instead be instructed to consider the villain's alternative perspective on international relations. After all, one country's attempt at world domination is another country's ambitious infrastructure programme.
Bond is encouraged to avoid imposing Western values on the villain. The villain responds by imposing his own values on Western Europe with 600 ballistic missiles. The British government issues a statement expressing disappointment.
Would Ian Fleming Pass His Own James Bond Audition?
The deeper problem for progressive Hollywood is that James Bond was created in 1953 by Ian Fleming. He belongs to a world of Cold War intrigue, British intelligence, extraordinary personal confidence, expensive tastes and dangerous international adventures.
The franchise has evolved considerably since Sean Connery first appeared in Dr. No in 1962. Daniel Craig's Bond was more vulnerable, emotionally complicated and physically battered than many earlier versions.
But one essential feature remained unchanged. James Bond was still James Bond.
He did not become a government-funded relationship counsellor. He did not defeat Goldfinger by explaining wealth inequality. He did not persuade Ernst Stavro Blofeld to dismantle SPECTRE by offering him an apprenticeship in community development. And he certainly did not apologise for driving an Aston Martin when the alternative was taking the 8:42 train to Waterloo.
The real question confronting Amazon is whether updating a character requires removing the characteristics responsible for his popularity.
Because once Bond stops drinking martinis, chasing villains, pursuing romance, wearing expensive suits, taking extraordinary risks and demonstrating impossible levels of confidence, there is very little James Bond left. What remains is a reasonably well-dressed government employee attending meetings.
Britain already produces millions of those.
The New James Bond Saves the World by Submitting a Complaint
The revised film's final scene offers a glimpse of the franchise's possible future. Bond enters the villain's underground headquarters. The criminal mastermind sits beside a nuclear missile.
"Good evening, Mr Bond. I've been expecting you."
Bond approaches cautiously.
"Before we begin, may I ask whether this facility has an approved accessibility policy?"
The villain pauses.
"What?"
"Your corridors are not wheelchair accessible. Your security personnel appear insufficiently diverse. And your nuclear missile violates several environmental regulations."
The villain looks at his weapon.
"Are you going to stop me?"
Bond produces a clipboard.
"I'm afraid I'll have to refer you to the appropriate authority."
The villain laughs.
"You have no gun?"
"No."
"No explosives?"
"No."
"No Aston Martin?"
"I came by bicycle."
"And your licence to kill?"
"Suspended pending review."
The villain smiles triumphantly.
"Then, Mr Bond, you are powerless."
Bond adjusts his recycled polyester jacket.
"Not entirely. I've reported you to the council."
Three weeks later, the villain receives a strongly worded letter. His nuclear missile is still operational.
The film concludes with Bond receiving an award for achieving his department's sustainability objectives. Britain has been destroyed, but no protected feelings were harmed during the operation.
The next film is provisionally titled No Time to Offend.
Its sequel, The Spy Who Loved Consultation, is already awaiting environmental approval.
Five Humorous Observations About the Progressive 007
- He's got a licence to kill, and the left's big idea is a licence to circle back. Every villain in history wanted one thing: a guy with a gun who'd at least pretend to be in a hurry. You think Goldfinger's losing sleep over a calendar invite?
- They want him on an electric bus. I've been on a London bus. Nobody's ever caught a helicopter on a bus. The best you can hope for is a seat, and only if you're willing to sit next to a man eating an entire rotisserie chicken.
- "I'm monitoring my hydration." That's not a spy, that's the guy at the gym who tells you his step count while you're trying to leave. MI6 never recruited anybody for saying, "I've been feeling really good about my sleep."
- Licence to kill, suspended pending review. I've been pending review at the DMV since 2019 and I'm still here. Nobody dies in that line, because nobody in that line is moving fast enough to hurt anybody.
- Britain will let you have the Walther PPK, the Aston Martin and the tuxedo, but you can't be seen enjoying any of it. That's not national security, that's my mother-in-law at a wedding.
Satirical Disclaimer
This article satirises political arguments about James Bond's masculinity, gender, patriotism and traditional behaviour. Keir Starmer's 2021 support for a female Bond is documented, but the proposed policies, dialogue and progressive casting demands described here are satirical exaggerations, not official proposals or verified statements by current campaigners. This disclaimer has passed its equality impact assessment, surrendered its licence to kill and switched to a carbon-neutral martini, stirred by committee; our British satire desk has kept its licence to mock.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. https://prat.uk/?p=54482
Comments
Post a Comment