Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Observation deck too boring The Empire State Building has decided that elevators just aren’t thrilling enough. According to reports , visitors can now descend from the 86th floor via a glass tube slide that spirals down the skyscraper’s exterior, offering “unparalleled views and unparalleled screaming.” Tourists are ecstatic. “Best $200 I’ve ever spent! I blacked out halfway, but the photos are amazing,” said one visitor from Iowa. New Yorkers, however, groaned. “I just wanted to get to work, and now I have to dodge tourists shooting out of a skyscraper like bowling balls,” muttered a Midtown commuter. Safety is allegedly a top priority—helmets and elbow pads are included, though some complain they clash with Instagram aesthetics. Lines for the slide stretch around the block, especially since influencers discovered screaming in slow-motion makes great TikTok content. Tabloids went vertical. “SLIDE OR DIE” screamed the Post. The Daily News countered: “DOWNWARD SPIRAL.” Meanwhile, Ti...

Elon Musk to Germany: “Get Over It” – Germans Politely Decline Tech Billionaire Takes Break From Twitter Wars to Lecture a Whole Nation By C.R. ‘Loose Lips’ Leake (bohiney.com – Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion) BERLIN – In a move as unexpected as a Tesla Cybertruck’s “unbreakable” window shattering, Elon Musk took the stage at a rally for Germany’s far-right Alternative für Deutschland (AfD) party and, in his usual subtle manner, told an entire nation to “get over” its past guilt. Germans, known for their easygoing approach to history , immediately nodded and moved on. Just kidding—Germany collectively short-circuited like a Tesla running Windows 95. “Elon Musk told Germany to stop feeling guilty. In return, Germany told Elon to stop trying to be funny . Both requests were ignored.” — John Oliver Musk’s Greatest PR Blunder Since Naming His Kid X Æ A-12 Musk, who has previously spent more time thinking about tunnels and Martian colonies than geopolitical sensitivity,...

Downward Dog in pinstripes According to reports , Wall Street has traded stocks for stretches as bankers in pinstripes flood Zuccotti Park every lunch hour for mass yoga sessions. “It’s about centering your portfolio and your chakras,” said one hedge fund manager while wobbling through Warrior II. The program promises to lower blood pressure while raising bonuses. Banks even provide branded yoga mats shaped like $100 bills. Traders say the deep breathing helps them recover from morning meltdowns, though some admit they scream “SELL!” in the middle of downward dog. Reactions vary. “I got trampled by an investment banker doing hot yoga in the park,” said one pedestrian. Tourists found it entertaining: “It’s like the stock market, but sweatier.” Tabloids bent over backwards. “BROKER-NAMASTE” screamed the Post. The Daily News countered: “YOGA BE KIDDING ME.” TikTok’s #WallStreetYoga trend exploded with bankers balancing frappuccinos on their heads mid-pose. Mayor Adams praised the ini...

The Holy Smackdown: Tom Homan vs. The Articulate Pope A Week-Long War of Words Escalates into a WWE-Style Verbal Cage Match In a recent exchange, former ICE Director Tom Homan responded to Pope Francis’s criticism of mass deportations, labeling them as a “disgrace.” Homan, known for his firm stance on immigration enforcement, defended the practice, emphasizing the importance of upholding U.S. immigration laws. He argued that enforcing these laws is essential for national security and the integrity of the country’s legal system. The Pope Throws the First Punch Pope Francis has consistently advocated for the humane treatment of migrants and refugees, urging nations to show compassion and solidarity. His recent comments highlight the moral and ethical concerns surrounding large-scale deportations, calling for policies that prioritize human dignity and the protection of vulnerable populations. “Jesus fed the masses—he didn’t demand the Romans give them free healthcare, housing, a...