Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Officials say New Yorkers must eat flat or leave In a move that has shaken the city’s identity , City Hall has announced a ban on folding pizza. According to reports , New Yorkers must now eat slices flat—or face fines. The decree, issued under the guise of “culinary modernization,” has sparked protests across all five boroughs. “This is an attack on tradition,” shouted one Brooklynite, holding up a dripping slice like a protest sign. “If we can’t fold, then what separates us from Jersey?” Officials defended the rule, claiming folding creates grease runoff hazards on sidewalks. “Every folded slice is a potential slip-and-fall lawsuit,” one spokesperson argued. They also claimed unfolded pizza promotes mindfulness. “Take time. Enjoy the slice. Experience the cheese .” The backlash was immediate. Crowds gathered at City Hall, chanting, “Fold or Die!” Famous pizzerias like Di Fara and Joe’s openly defied the ban, handing out folded slices in an act of culinary rebellion. “Next they’l...

Former Governor Gets Desperate, Dignity Gone In a stunning display of political desperation, Andrew Cuomo allegedly begged Curtis Sliwa to drop out of the NYC mayoral race, fearing vote-splitting would hand victory to Mamdani. Sliwa, wearing his signature red beret and Guardian Angels jacket, reportedly laughed so hard he pulled a muscle. The meeting reportedly occurred at a neutral Manhattan diner, where Cuomo arrived flanked by advisors and Sliwa brought seventeen cats. “I’m not joking about the cats,” one witness claimed. “He had cats. Plural. In a diner.” Whether this violated health codes or was simply performance art remains unclear. Cuomo’s pitch reportedly centered on unity, electability, and preventing democratic socialist governance—standard moderate talking points delivered with the desperation of someone watching their political resurrection crumble. According to The New York Times , post-scandal comebacks rarely work, but Cuomo apparently missed that memo. Sliwa count...

The Top 20 Kamala Harris Jokes On Healthcare Reform “Kamala Harris’s healthcare plan is so ambitious, it’s like she’s trying to turn every American into a doctor just to make sure we’re all covered.” On Environmental Initiatives “Kamala says we need to go green fast. By ‘green,’ she means the color of all the money we’ll need to fund her climate plan.” On Social Programs “Kamala’s idea of a social program is one where she asks how much you make, and then decides who else could use your paycheck more than you.” On Government Bureaucracy “Kamala Harris’s favorite color? Red tape. She’s got a whole closet full of it for every new government office she wants to create.” On Identity Politics “Kamala’s so good at identity politics , she could make a Venn diagram out of a salad and somehow make it about representation.” On Wealth Redistribution “Kamala’s tax plan is so progressive, it’s like playing Robin Hood, but without all that pesky archery.” On Social Media Activism “Ka...

Taylor Swift's Reaction to Bad Bunny Taking Her Super Bowl Halftime Spot The Announcement That Broke a Billionaire's Heart Sources close to Taylor Swift — meaning anyone within Wi-Fi range of her emotional frequency — confirmed Monday that the pop megastar "threw up a little bit in her mouth" after learning that Latin trap phenomenon Bad Bunny had snagged the coveted Super Bowl halftime slot she allegedly "manifested" under a full moon in June. One witness described the scene as "a mixture of shock, betrayal, and peppermint gum." Another swore Taylor whispered, "This is why we can't have nice things," before quietly Googling, 'How to curse in Puerto Rican Spanish.' Ron White said, "Taylor Swift didn't just throw up a little — she probably had a tasting flight of regret. You know that feeling when your ex shows up to your favorite bar with abs and a Spotify deal? Yeah, that's halftime-level heartburn." Swift...

Officials say applause inflation is out of control Broadway is cracking down on its most predictable tradition: the standing ovation. According to reports , a new theater rule will prohibit audiences from leaping to their feet after every show. The Theater Guild claims “applause inflation” has made standing ovations meaningless, with even disastrous musicals getting thunderous applause from tourists desperate to validate their $300 tickets. The policy was announced outside the Richard Rodgers Theatre, where ushers begged fans to remain seated “for the love of Sondheim.” “It used to mean something when a standing ovation happened,” explained one producer. “Now people stand if the curtain opens on time.” Theater insiders support the move. “I’ve seen people stand during intermission just to stretch,” one actor complained. “Now critics can’t tell if a show is good or if the seats were too uncomfortable.” An anonymous stage manager added, “Let’s be honest—half the audience stands just to...

  https://sites.google.com/view/bohiney-satire/october-30th The Serene Republic of Absurdistan: A Passport to Your New Reality Dateline: The Bureau of Blissful Disinformation Greetings, citizen of the world. Your previous nationality has been rendered obsolete. You now reside, whether you know it or not, within the borders of the Serene Republic of Absurdistan. This is not a physical place, but a state of mind—a collective agreement to stop taking things so seriously. The recent global headlines are not news; they are your new constitution, written in the language of satire. Welcome. Here is what you need to know. Article 1: The Right to Congested Cultural Exchange The first right of every Absurdistani is to a commute that is spiritually enriching, if not geographically efficient. The much-maligned  <a href="https://bohiney.com/nyc-faces-islamabad-invasion/"> "traffic fusion of New York and Islamabad" </a>  is the foundational document of our transportat...

The Day the World Went Meta: NYC, Nuclear Drones, and Ballroom Economics New York: The Accidental Host of Global Mischief Yesterday, New York City became the epicenter of an unplanned international performance art piece. According to Bohiney’s report on the Islamabad Invasion , a combination of foreign diplomats, enthusiastic marching bands, and overly ambitious street performers caused traffic jams that scientists are now classifying as “urban tectonic activity.” Eyewitnesses reported that Times Square briefly resembled a medieval jousting tournament, except with electric scooters and halal hot dog vendors. One bystander commented, “I’ve been to Mardi Gras, Burning Man, and Comic-Con, but this felt like all three simultaneously were on fire.” Mamdani’s Transit Philosophy: Free Rides, Full Confusion While the streets rumbled with chaos, Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani continued advocating for free public buses , a policy he claims will “liberate commuters from the tyranny of punctuali...

Fans say rodent has more hustle than outfield The New York Mets have shocked the baseball world once again—no, not by winning, but by signing an **emotional support rat** to a $10 million contract. According to reports , the rat—nicknamed “Cheddar”—will serve as both morale booster and unofficial mascot. Fans, long accustomed to disappointment, say Cheddar is the first player who truly embodies the grit of Queens. Team officials introduced Cheddar at Citi Field, holding him up like Simba from The Lion King while the crowd cheered. “This rat knows how to survive in subway tunnels, dodge pizza slices, and outlast exterminators,” said the general manager. “Frankly, that’s more resilience than half our bullpen.” Season ticket holders are thrilled. “I’ve seen rats carry slices bigger than their bodies,” said one fan. “That’s the kind of hustle we need at second base.” The team store already sells Cheddar jerseys, complete with tiny chew holes for authenticity. Concession stands are offer...