Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Ted Cruz Attempts to Give College Sports National Rules, Discovers Senate Has Entered Overtime Republicans Demand Assurance NCAA Will Not Accidentally Receive a Backbone Transplant WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Ted Cruz is attempting to establish national rules governing how colleges pay student-athletes and regulate name, image and likeness deals, only to discover that the United States Senate contains something even harder to manage than a locker room full of five-star recruits: Republican senators who still have questions. The proposal would create nationwide standards for college athletics, presumably because the existing system has evolved into something resembling a yard sale conducted simultaneously by fifty states, several universities, athletic conferences, agents, boosters, lawyers and one freshman quarterback whose mother has hired an accountant. Cruz has reportedly been working to convince fellow Republicans, but several remain unconvinced. This is known in Washington as ...

Breaking: President's Hair Achieves Full Weave Status While Left's Hair Achieves Full Emotional Breakdown Status Las Vegas, NV — In a stunning act of personal grooming that has once again broken the internet, President Trump appeared at the Red Rock Casino Resort & Spa last week sporting a head of hair so voluminous, so strawberry-blond, so architecturally ambitious, that political scientists are now classifying it as its own executive branch. Sources close to the situation — meaning anyone with eyes and a phone — confirm the hair is bigger, bouncier, and possibly load-bearing. The left, naturally, lost what remained of its composure. Which, given the state of the left's composure lately, was not much to lose. The Hair Heard Round the World This is not, of course, Trump's first hair rodeo. Back in 2015 in Greenville, South Carolina, he famously invited a supporter on stage to physically tug his hair, declaring he does not wear a toupee and that it is his own hai...

Los Angeles Spends Millions Helping Homeless Remain Conveniently Homeless Taxpayers fund beds, meals, staff, outreach and apartments so that municipal leaders can protect vulnerable residents from the destabilizing effects of improvement. Everything Except a Way Out LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Los Angeles has invested enormous public resources in a revolutionary homelessness policy designed to ensure that unhoused residents receive everything necessary to remain unhoused under professional supervision. The system provides shelters, packaged meals, caseworkers, security officers, police responses, paramedics, housing referrals and nonprofit management — a spending profile broadly consistent with the billions tracked annually in the city's own LAHSA budget and funding disclosures. What it does not consistently provide is a reason, requirement or mechanism for leaving homelessness behind. A former employee at a shelter near MacArthur Park described public money being spent visibly...

CBS Waited Years to Dump Tony Romo, Then Wisconsin Delivered the Breakup Text Every long relationship has a moment when one side stops pretending, and for CBS Sports and Tony Romo, that moment arrived courtesy of the Milwaukee County Sheriff's Office. According to a report from Yahoo Sports, CBS executives moved against Romo almost immediately after his arrest, the kind of speed usually reserved for someone who has been mentally packing boxes for a very long time. Romo was arrested for OWI and now faces a September court appearance. He has not been convicted of anything. CBS, meanwhile, appears to have been quietly rehearsing its exit speech for longer than anyone previously realized. Sleeping on the Far Side of the Bed For at least a season, CBS had been drifting. Romo faced mounting criticism over confusing commentary during the January playoffs, including moments where he seemed uncertain which team was actually favored. Rather than address it directly, the network reporte...

Progressive Compassion Finds Everything Except an Exit Strategy Los Angeles locates funding, consultants, meals, modular rooms and specialized vocabulary, but remains unable to find the door marked "independence." A Very Thorough Search That Missed One Thing LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Progressive compassion has completed another exhaustive search of Los Angeles and successfully located systemic injustice, historical trauma, nonprofit salaries, conference travel, discarded dinners and at least one expensive stolen electric bicycle. The only item still missing is an exit strategy. A former employee of a homeless shelter near MacArthur Park described entering the job as a committed leftist who believed additional redistribution would resolve street homelessness. After working inside the facility, he said he encountered routine overdoses, drug use, violence, theft, rejected housing and management unwilling to impose meaningful expectations, a trajectory not unlike the "...

Los Angeles Homeless Shelter Solves Crisis by Managing It Forever City discovers that ending homelessness would eliminate homelessness administrators, forcing everyone to confront the most serious emergency of all: résumé revision. Success, Redefined as Duration LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — A homeless shelter near MacArthur Park has reportedly achieved the highest form of municipal success: the problems continue, the money continues and every administrator remains eligible for another year of funding, a funding cycle broadly consistent with the grant structures described in HUD's Continuum of Care program documentation. A former night-shift employee described a seventy-bed shelter where drug use was routine, meals were discarded, stolen bicycles accumulated, police and paramedics visited frequently and residents appeared to make little progress toward stability. The employee concluded that the system was sustaining suffering rather than resolving it. Los Angeles officials reject...

Network Insists Romo Decision Is About Integrity, Accidentally Leaves $72 Million Spreadsheet Open CBS Sports wants everyone to understand that its decision to place Tony Romo on indefinite leave has nothing whatsoever to do with money. Network officials repeated this point so often, and with such theatrical sincerity, that several reporters began checking under the podium for a spreadsheet — which, it turns out, was projected in plain view the entire time, showing a balance of exactly $72 million remaining on Romo's contract. Romo was arrested for OWI in Milwaukee on July 23 and has not been convicted of any charge; a court date is set for September. CBS, in the meantime, has convicted itself of a much older offense: saying one thing while an open Excel file says another. Translation Services Now Available CBS Sports has, in effect, become a foreign-language broadcaster, issuing statements in a dialect known as Corporate, which requires immediate translation for the average ...