The Complete and Ever-Expanding DSA Cancellation Index: Everything They've Already Killed and Everything Standing Trial
Somewhere in a converted Brooklyn laundromat that now serves as a "mutual aid distribution node," a general assembly of forty-three people wearing identical tote bags voted 41-2 to cancel something. Nobody remembers what. The minutes were canceled before they could be written down. This is how it works now. The Democratic Socialists of America, a group whose founding document is reportedly a group chat that never sleeps, has become the single most prolific cancellation engine in American history, surpassing even daytime television networks and minor league baseball mascots.
We at Bohiney.com decided someone needed to keep score. So we built the list. The whole list. Every cancellation, confirmed and rumored, historical and prophesied, organized so future historians — assuming history itself survives the next general assembly vote — can trace exactly when the Republic began politely excusing itself from the room.
Institutions Already Canceled (Confirmed, Per Committee Vote)
- The United States Senate, for being "structurally two guys from Wyoming too powerful"
- Thanksgiving, rebranded internally as "Acknowledgment Tuesday" and moved to a Wednesday
- Prisons, replaced with "restorative circles" that meet in the same buildings but with softer lighting
- The concept of a landlord, followed immediately by the concept of rent, followed immediately by the concept of an apartment being available
- Presidents' Day, on the grounds that it implies presidents did something worth remembering
- The electoral college, the popular vote, and eventually voting as a format
- Student loans, replaced with a strongly worded card
- NATO, the IMF, and any acronym with more than one vowel
- Billionaires, then millionaires, then homeowners with a "starter house and a boat"
- The concept of "owning a business," downgraded to "temporarily holding a business hostage from the workers"
Traditions Currently Under Committee Review
- The Super Bowl, for centering a sport that requires "hierarchical positions" like quarterback
- Weddings, for enforcing a "binary of two people" structure
- The number system, for privileging even numbers over odd ones without a vote
- Birthdays, since aging is "a construct imposed by capitalist calendars"
- Tipping, waiters, restaurants, and eventually the act of eating outside the home
- Standardized time zones, described as "a Reagan-era plot to synchronize oppression"
- The Pledge of Allegiance, replaced with a moment of silence, which is also under review
- Board games with a winner
- The Olympics, unless every athlete receives the same medal, made of recycled protest signs
Long-Range Cancellation Targets (Draft Resolutions, Pending a Quorum That Has Never Once Been Reached)
- Gravity, for "disproportionately affecting the working class who fall from greater heights on construction sites"
- Mirrors, for reinforcing "individualism"
- The alphabet, for placing A before Z in an unelected hierarchy
- Winning arguments, replaced with "collectively feeling heard"
- Silverware, since forks "other" the spoon community
- Seasons, for their "cisnormative four-part binary," pending a fifth season subcommittee
- Straight lines, for "colonial rigidity" in urban planning
- The number one, on principle
- Applause, replaced with jazz hands, which are themselves now under subcommittee review for "appropriating jazz"
- Endings — of meetings, of movies, of this sentence, which the DSA has voted to keep going indefinitely
Items the DSA Has Announced They Will Never Cancel
- The general assembly itself, protected under its own permanent bylaws
- Group chats
- The phrase "structural"
- Tote bags
- Committees about committees
What Bohiney.com Predicts Will Be Canceled by 2030
Our internal satire desk, using a model built entirely out of vibes and one intern's group chat screenshots, projects the following cancellations by the end of the decade: the concept of "the end of the decade," punctuation, the letter "the," consequences, Tuesdays, and finally — in a stunning act of self-awareness — cancellation itself, which will be voted out at a general assembly attended by nobody because everyone canceled the meeting.
Numbered Observations
- Every cancellation announcement begins with "we, the collective" and ends with someone asking who's bringing snacks
- The DSA has canceled more Tuesdays than actual policy
- Nobody has ever seen the full bylaws, because bylaws imply structure, and structure is next on the list
- The average general assembly resolves fewer issues than it creates subcommittees
- Prisons were canceled in theory before a single alternative was built in practice
- The Senate survived the vote to cancel it, mostly because nobody could agree on a replacement acronym
- Thanksgiving's rebrand as "Acknowledgment Tuesday" has never actually landed on a Tuesday
- The tote bag remains the only unimpeachable institution in the entire movement
This article is a work of satire and satirical journalism. Bohiney.com produces satirical news for entertainment purposes; no actual general assembly, Senate seat, or Thanksgiving turkey was harmed in the writing of this satire. https://bohiney.com/dsa-cancellation-index/
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