Maryland Spends $85 Million Buying Preakness, Discovers Everyone Else Has Started a New Horse-Racing League
State secures historic race, celebrates control of its destiny, then discovers Kentucky and New York have apparently scheduled destiny somewhere else
BALTIMORE, Maryland — Maryland recently completed an $85 million acquisition of the intellectual-property rights to the Preakness Stakes and Black-Eyed Susan Stakes, securing state control of one of horse racing's great historic brands. Days later, Churchill Downs Incorporated and the New York Racing Association announced a new six-race Thoroughbred Championship Series containing the Kentucky Derby, Belmont Stakes and four additional races, but conspicuously not the Preakness.
It was the financial equivalent of purchasing an expensive table at a restaurant and discovering everybody else has gone bowling.
Maryland officials insist the Preakness remains a central pillar of American racing, which is true in roughly the same sense that Grandpa remains central to Thanksgiving despite discovering the grandchildren have created a separate group chat.
The new series begins in 2027 with the Kentucky Derby on May 1, followed by the Belmont Stakes, Matt Winn Stakes, Jim Dandy Stakes, Travers Stakes and a September championship race at Churchill Downs. A unified points system and $5 million bonus pool are intended to keep top three-year-old horses competing throughout the season.
The Preakness is not included.
That sound coming from Annapolis is a receipt being unfolded.
Preakness Left Out After Horse Racing Discovers Triple Crown Apparently Had One Crown Too Many
For more than a century, horse racing possessed one of the most beautifully uncomplicated achievements in American sport.
Win Kentucky. Win Maryland. Win New York. You are magnificent.
That was apparently intolerable. Sports executives looked at this elegant arrangement and realized what it desperately lacked was a points-based season-long championship structure, because nothing attracts casual sports fans quite like saying, "Before post time, Barbara will explain subsection 4(c) governing cumulative qualifying points."
Churchill Downs and NYRA say the championship will stretch the excitement of racing across five months and encourage fans to follow rivalries throughout the season. The new series will run across Churchill Downs, Belmont Park and Saratoga Race Course. Horse racing has therefore solved its accessibility problem by giving America additional homework.
An Expert Weighs In
According to Professor Milton Haybale, chairman of Equine Administrative Studies at the Pimlico Institute for Applied Horse Bureaucracy, the development was inevitable.
"Every sport eventually realizes the athletes are merely the raw material required to create a spreadsheet," Haybale said, adding that horses had been resisting modernization for years by stubbornly continuing to run in a straight line toward a visible finish.
Kentucky Derby and Belmont Tell Preakness They'll Definitely Stay Friends
Kentucky and New York emphasized that none of this should be interpreted as an attack on the Triple Crown. This is comforting. Your wife has moved to another apartment with Steve, but everybody agrees the marriage remains extremely important.
NYRA President and CEO David O'Rourke said the new championship does not touch the Triple Crown and described it as building on the sport's existing traditions. Technically, this is correct. The championship does not destroy the Preakness. It merely provides millions of dollars and a season-long incentive structure encouraging elite horses to compete in several other races.
Maryland immediately recognized this as the sporting equivalent of a nightclub opening next door to your church and promising the two businesses serve completely different audiences.
Baltimore racing fan Earl McCracken said he was reassured. "I once had a girlfriend tell me she loved me but wanted to explore other opportunities," McCracken said. "This feels almost identical, except the girlfriend didn't cost taxpayers eighty-five million dollars."
Another Pimlico regular, Denise Holloway, said she expected Maryland officials to begin experimenting with methods for attracting horses back to Baltimore. "Free parking," she suggested. "Maybe complimentary oats. Horses love oats. At some point somebody has to remember the customer here has four legs."
Preakness Moves Race Date After Learning Even Horses Now Have Scheduling Conflicts
Maryland responded by changing the Preakness calendar. Beginning in 2027, the race will be held Sunday, May 23, 22 days after the Kentucky Derby, rather than following the Derby by the traditional two weeks. Maryland officials say the additional recovery time should make participation more attractive to modern trainers.
Problem solved. Except the Belmont Stakes is scheduled for June 5. That means only 13 days separate the Preakness and Belmont. Maryland has therefore addressed the problem of horses not having enough time after the Derby by transferring the problem to New York.
This is why government remains humanity's greatest practitioner of conservation. Nothing is eliminated. It is relocated.
Governor Wes Moore argues that the new schedule will strengthen participation in the Triple Crown, saying, "If you want to win the Triple Crown, we'll see you in Baltimore." Somewhere in Belmont Park, a calendar quietly cleared its throat.
The scheduling problem has become so sophisticated that racing officials may soon employ air-traffic controllers. "Preakness 427, you are cleared for Pimlico May 23. Hold at Saratoga. Belmont traffic approaching from northeast. Maintain three furlongs."
Baltimore Checks Whether the $85 Million Receipt Is Still Valid
Maryland's purchase was not merely symbolic. The state exercised its contractual right of first refusal to match an $85 million offer from Churchill Downs for the Preakness and Black-Eyed Susan intellectual-property rights. State officials say the acquisition gives Maryland greater control over the race and eliminates an unfavorable licensing structure. The transaction is financed through tax-exempt revenue bonds backed by future race-related revenues rather than the state's General Fund.
That is an important financial distinction. It is also considerably less entertaining than imagining Governor Moore standing at a Pimlico customer-service desk holding a giant receipt.
"Reason for return?" "Other Crown jewels formed a league." "Was the item damaged?" "Emotionally." "Do you have the original packaging?" "We have Baltimore."
Maryland also has a far larger commitment underway at Pimlico. The state previously authorized hundreds of millions of dollars in bonds for redevelopment of the historic racecourse, part of a plan to make Pimlico the permanent center of Maryland Thoroughbred racing.
So Maryland is not walking away. Maryland is doing what any sensible person does after discovering the neighborhood has changed immediately after buying a house. Renovating the kitchen.
Experts Determine $85 Million Is Enough Money to Purchase Several Horses
Economists consulted by the Baltimore Center for Large Numbers confirmed Friday that $85 million remains a significant amount of money. "Using standard mathematical techniques," economist Dr. Sheila Pennypincher explained, "we divided eighty-five million by zero invitations to the championship series and obtained what economists call an awkward silence."
A statewide survey of 1,200 Maryland residents found 71% believed $85 million should purchase at least one championship invitation, 19% wanted complimentary crab cakes included, and 10% were horses responding by stamping once for yes. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus one furlong.
Professor Alan Nafzger, a retired political scientist reached while examining the constitutional implications of owning a horse race nobody can force anyone to attend, said Maryland's predicament illustrates a fundamental law of government. "Private businesses buy assets because they anticipate where the market is going," Nafzger said. "Government buys the market and then appoints a commission to determine where it went."
Local philosopher Ezekiel "Zeke" Barstool, who conducts evening seminars beside a Baltimore tavern jukebox, offered a deeper interpretation. "You cannot own tradition," Barstool said. "You can only purchase the trademark, rehabilitate the grandstand and hope the horses show up." He then ordered another beer, which according to eyewitnesses was the most decisive transaction completed in Maryland all week.
Horse Racing Finally Makes the Triple Crown More Complicated
The Triple Crown survived wars, depressions, television, casinos, changing training practices and generations of Americans discovering they could gamble without wearing a hat. Its latest opponent is PowerPoint.
The new Thoroughbred Championship Series is designed to create standings, recurring rivalries and a playoff atmosphere extending through September. Horses must participate repeatedly to qualify for the championship standings, while millions of dollars in incentives encourage owners to remain active.
In other words, horse racing has looked at NASCAR, the NFL and professional golf and concluded: "What we need is more arithmetic."
The industry may eventually require two announcers. One will call the race. The other will explain why the horse that finished fourth has mathematically clinched the championship unless Thunder Biscuit finishes second at Saratoga while carrying fewer than 126 pounds during a waxing moon. That is progress.
Maryland Remains Confident Because Somebody Has to Be
The Preakness nevertheless remains one of American racing's great institutions, and Maryland officials have substantial reasons to defend it. The state owns the race's intellectual property, controls Pimlico, is investing heavily in redevelopment and has extended NBC's Preakness broadcast relationship through 2032.
That is not nothing. It is, however, a fascinating moment in sports history. Maryland has purchased the Preakness precisely when horse racing is debating what the Preakness means. Kentucky and New York have created their new championship. Maryland has moved its race. The Belmont remains where it is. Everybody says the Triple Crown is healthy.
And the horses, displaying considerably more common sense than everyone involved, continue waiting behind a gate for somebody to open it.
Pimlico eyewitness Harold Jennings thinks the solution is obvious. "Stop explaining horse racing," he said. "Put twelve horses on the track and let them run." This proposal was immediately rejected for lacking a points structure, television partnership, strategic framework, stakeholder consultation process and downloadable mobile application. The Maryland legislature is expected to study it.
Disclaimer
This story is satire, produced entirely through a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance between American horse racing administration and several horses attempting to operate a conference committee is attributable primarily to American horse racing administration. The underlying reporting supports the central absurdity: Maryland completed the rights acquisition just before the new championship was announced, and the Preakness's 2027 date change now creates a compressed 13-day gap before Belmont.
15 Humorous Observations on Maryland's $85 Million Preakness Surprise
- Maryland Bought the Preakness Just in Time to Learn Nobody Else Was Buying the Preakness. There is something beautifully governmental about spending $85 million securing control of an institution immediately before two other institutions announce they have formed a club without it.
- Horse Racing Has Discovered the Triple Crown Contains an Uncomfortable Amount of Three. Apparently three races were too simple. Modern sports fans demand standings, points, playoffs, bonus pools and at least one television graphic requiring a finance degree.
- Kentucky and New York Gave Maryland the Corporate Version of "We Should Still Hang Out." The Derby and Belmont are still technically friends with the Preakness. They just started a six-race championship, scheduled five months of activities and somehow forgot to invite Baltimore.
- Maryland Now Owns $85 Million Worth of Something Everybody Agrees Is Historically Priceless. "Priceless" is a dangerous adjective in government procurement because eventually somebody produces a price.
- Even Horses Apparently Need More Recovery Time Than Congress. Modern trainers say two weeks after the Derby can be too quick. Senators routinely recover from spending $400 billion before lunch.
- The Preakness Solved Its Scheduling Problem by Creating Another Scheduling Problem. Beginning in 2027, moving the Preakness later gives Derby horses more recovery time but leaves just 13 days before the Belmont. This is known in management theory as relocating the headache.
- Baltimore Is Now Experiencing the Sports Equivalent of Buying Blockbuster in 2009. The asset is legendary. The brand is beloved. Everybody remembers it fondly. And somebody in another conference room has just unveiled streaming.
- The New Championship Has Six Races Because Apparently Horses Were Complaining About Lack of Administrative Structure. Thoroughbreds have spent centuries believing the objective was to run faster than the other horses. They will now need to understand points accumulation.
- The Triple Crown Is Becoming Horse Racing's Version of Airline Pricing. Everybody remembers when it was straightforward, nobody understands the current rules, and somehow Sunday costs more.
- Maryland's Receipt Is Probably 47 Pages Long. The first line says "Preakness Stakes." The next 46 explain that championships, invitations, national relevance and neighboring racing organizations are sold separately.
- Horse Racing Finally Invented the Playoffs, 150 Years After Horses Asked Nobody To. Churchill Downs says the new format is designed around a season-long championship and standings. The horses remain committed to their traditional position that whoever reaches the finish line first seems adequate.
- The Preakness Is Still the Middle Jewel of the Triple Crown, Which Is Increasingly Like Being the Middle Child With a Very Nice Trophy. Kentucky gets roses. New York gets Belmont Park. Maryland gets asked whether Sunday works.
- Maryland Is Determined to Preserve Tradition by Changing the Date of the Tradition. Nothing says "timeless American institution" like a scheduling committee announcing eight additional days.
- The New Series Could Produce a Champion Who Never Wins Any Individual Race. Under the announced concept, a horse can potentially capture the season championship through points without winning a specific race, meaning horse racing has finally discovered the participation trophy but attached $5 million to it.
- The Real Triple Crown May Soon Be Winning the Derby, Finding the Preakness on the Calendar and Understanding the Championship Standings. Any horse capable of doing all three should immediately be admitted to Johns Hopkins. https://bohiney.com/maryland-spends-85-million-buying-preakness/
Comments
Post a Comment