Socialists Promise No Prisons, No Borders, No Senate and Eventually No Adults in Charge
Revolutionary Babysitter Leaves Nation Alone With Matches
The Democratic Socialists of America are promising a streamlined future without prisons, borders, ICE or the Senate, accompanied by a defunded Pentagon, public ownership of major corporations and a political structure rebuilt around congressional supremacy. These positions were highlighted in national co-chair Megan Romer's televised answers and are echoed in official DSA materials calling for abolition of the Senate and ICE, while the organization's abolition working group advocates eliminating prisons and police. America has finally found a movement willing to childproof the republic by removing the parents.
A Household Without Rules, a Smoke Detector Without a Budget
Who will pay, who will enforce the rules, what happens when the plan fails and why the kitchen smells like burning collectivism — nobody in the DSA's press shop seems eager to say.
The DSA offers a brighter household in which nobody says no, every boundary is oppressive and the smoke detector has been defunded for being too alarmist.
Under the proposed arrangement, there will be no prisons because incarceration is harmful, no borders because exclusion is harmful, no Senate because checks and balances are harmful, and no Pentagon because missiles are harmful.
Unfortunately, burglars, hostile governments, smugglers and violent offenders have not agreed to abolish themselves. They were not invited to the planning retreat, possibly because the retreat had no border.
A retired school principal summarized the problem.
"You can remove every rule from the playground," she said, "but that does not create justice. It creates one large child wearing everybody else's shoes."
Governance by People Who Think Consequences Are Propaganda
The movement's governing assumption is that harmful conduct is produced primarily by harmful systems. Remove the systems and misconduct will fade like a Che Guevara T-shirt after its third wash.
Criminals become neighbors in need of services. Illegal entrants become community members awaiting documents. Foreign enemies become dialogue partners who have not yet been offered the correct pronouns or municipal grocery program.
This theory is comforting because it eliminates villains. It also eliminates the need to explain why some people continue stealing cars after receiving access to a mural, a social worker and a free reusable water bottle.
A deeply representative poll of 600 parents found that 91 percent support compassion, 88 percent support fairness and 3 percent support allowing teenagers to abolish the front door because curfews are a colonial construct.
The other 97 percent have met a teenager.
No Gloves, No Fight: The Pentagon Theory of Peace
Socialism's promise of "no adults in charge" extends naturally to economics. Large corporations would be publicly owned, ensuring that every consumer complaint is handled with the speed of a zoning appeal and the warmth of a tax audit.
Managers would be selected according to democratic legitimacy, ideological fluency and the ability to explain a nationwide toilet-paper shortage as a victory over consumerism.
The Pentagon, meanwhile, would be defunded on the theory that peace emerges when one side stops buying weapons. This resembles ending a boxing match by removing your own gloves and giving the opponent a pamphlet.
China, Russia and Iran would presumably respond by recognizing America's moral leadership, after they finished recognizing America's newly unguarded shipping lanes, a scenario defense analysts at institutions like CSIS have warned about for years.
The Republic's Unsupervised Afternoon
The abolition of the Senate is presented as a democratic improvement because the chamber gives equal representation to states of unequal population. That criticism is not frivolous.
The proposed cure, however, resembles treating an uneven haircut with decapitation.
The Senate was designed partly to slow sudden political passions, which is precisely why people consumed by sudden political passion dislike it.
Without a Senate, a presidency independent of Congress, a robust judiciary, borders, prisons or conventional policing, the nation would become easier to govern in the same way an empty aquarium is easier to clean. Nothing would remain inside except decorative gravel and a committee discussing equitable access to bubbles.
A DSA chapter spokesperson insisted that adults would still be present, but they would be "accountability facilitators" without coercive authority. Their responsibilities would include listening, affirming and standing nearby while someone steals the catalytic converter from the community outreach van.
The transition may be difficult. Citizens accustomed to dialing 911 would instead submit a harm report to a restorative response cooperative. Border agents would become welcome ambassadors. Prison guards would become conflict gardeners.
Senators would be reassigned to podcasting, where most of them already possess the necessary skill of speaking for 45 minutes without improving anything.
Supporters say the country must have the courage to imagine a radically different future. Critics agree imagination is involved.
The disagreement concerns whether a nation should be operated according to a vision that collapses the moment somebody asks, "Who stops the guy with the gun?"
At press time, nobody had answered.
The adults had been abolished, and the children were using the Constitution to level a wobbly snack table.
Humorous Observations
- "Conflict gardener" is a job title that will not survive its first actual conflict.
- A restorative response cooperative is still just a hold-music system with better branding.
- Senators reassigned to podcasting is less a punishment than a promotion.
- Removing your own boxing gloves has never once been recorded as a winning strategy.
- The Constitution as a snack table is at least finally getting used at family gatherings.
This is a work of satire. The accountability facilitators, conflict gardeners and restorative response cooperatives are comic fabrications built around genuine DSA policy statements. It is satirical news, not a literal account of any actual policy rollout, and is intended for commentary and entertainment.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
https://bohiney.com/44535-2/
Revolutionary Babysitter Leaves Nation Alone With Matches
The Democratic Socialists of America are promising a streamlined future without prisons, borders, ICE or the Senate, accompanied by a defunded Pentagon, public ownership of major corporations and a political structure rebuilt around congressional supremacy. These positions were highlighted in national co-chair Megan Romer's televised answers and are echoed in official DSA materials calling for abolition of the Senate and ICE, while the organization's abolition working group advocates eliminating prisons and police. America has finally found a movement willing to childproof the republic by removing the parents.
A Household Without Rules, a Smoke Detector Without a Budget
Who will pay, who will enforce the rules, what happens when the plan fails and why the kitchen smells like burning collectivism — nobody in the DSA's press shop seems eager to say.
The DSA offers a brighter household in which nobody says no, every boundary is oppressive and the smoke detector has been defunded for being too alarmist.
Under the proposed arrangement, there will be no prisons because incarceration is harmful, no borders because exclusion is harmful, no Senate because checks and balances are harmful, and no Pentagon because missiles are harmful.
Unfortunately, burglars, hostile governments, smugglers and violent offenders have not agreed to abolish themselves. They were not invited to the planning retreat, possibly because the retreat had no border.
A retired school principal summarized the problem.
"You can remove every rule from the playground," she said, "but that does not create justice. It creates one large child wearing everybody else's shoes."
Governance by People Who Think Consequences Are Propaganda
The movement's governing assumption is that harmful conduct is produced primarily by harmful systems. Remove the systems and misconduct will fade like a Che Guevara T-shirt after its third wash.
Criminals become neighbors in need of services. Illegal entrants become community members awaiting documents. Foreign enemies become dialogue partners who have not yet been offered the correct pronouns or municipal grocery program.
This theory is comforting because it eliminates villains. It also eliminates the need to explain why some people continue stealing cars after receiving access to a mural, a social worker and a free reusable water bottle.
A deeply representative poll of 600 parents found that 91 percent support compassion, 88 percent support fairness and 3 percent support allowing teenagers to abolish the front door because curfews are a colonial construct.
The other 97 percent have met a teenager.
No Gloves, No Fight: The Pentagon Theory of Peace
Socialism's promise of "no adults in charge" extends naturally to economics. Large corporations would be publicly owned, ensuring that every consumer complaint is handled with the speed of a zoning appeal and the warmth of a tax audit.
Managers would be selected according to democratic legitimacy, ideological fluency and the ability to explain a nationwide toilet-paper shortage as a victory over consumerism.
The Pentagon, meanwhile, would be defunded on the theory that peace emerges when one side stops buying weapons. This resembles ending a boxing match by removing your own gloves and giving the opponent a pamphlet.
China, Russia and Iran would presumably respond by recognizing America's moral leadership, after they finished recognizing America's newly unguarded shipping lanes, a scenario defense analysts at institutions like CSIS have warned about for years.
The Republic's Unsupervised Afternoon
The abolition of the Senate is presented as a democratic improvement because the chamber gives equal representation to states of unequal population. That criticism is not frivolous.
The proposed cure, however, resembles treating an uneven haircut with decapitation.
The Senate was designed partly to slow sudden political passions, which is precisely why people consumed by sudden political passion dislike it.
Without a Senate, a presidency independent of Congress, a robust judiciary, borders, prisons or conventional policing, the nation would become easier to govern in the same way an empty aquarium is easier to clean. Nothing would remain inside except decorative gravel and a committee discussing equitable access to bubbles.
A DSA chapter spokesperson insisted that adults would still be present, but they would be "accountability facilitators" without coercive authority. Their responsibilities would include listening, affirming and standing nearby while someone steals the catalytic converter from the community outreach van.
The transition may be difficult. Citizens accustomed to dialing 911 would instead submit a harm report to a restorative response cooperative. Border agents would become welcome ambassadors. Prison guards would become conflict gardeners.
Senators would be reassigned to podcasting, where most of them already possess the necessary skill of speaking for 45 minutes without improving anything.
Supporters say the country must have the courage to imagine a radically different future. Critics agree imagination is involved.
The disagreement concerns whether a nation should be operated according to a vision that collapses the moment somebody asks, "Who stops the guy with the gun?"
At press time, nobody had answered.
The adults had been abolished, and the children were using the Constitution to level a wobbly snack table.
Humorous Observations
- "Conflict gardener" is a job title that will not survive its first actual conflict.
- A restorative response cooperative is still just a hold-music system with better branding.
- Senators reassigned to podcasting is less a punishment than a promotion.
- Removing your own boxing gloves has never once been recorded as a winning strategy.
- The Constitution as a snack table is at least finally getting used at family gatherings.
This is a work of satire. The accountability facilitators, conflict gardeners and restorative response cooperatives are comic fabrications built around genuine DSA policy statements. It is satirical news, not a literal account of any actual policy rollout, and is intended for commentary and entertainment.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
https://bohiney.com/44535-2/
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