DSA Leader Aces True-or-False Quiz by Answering "Abolish It" to Every Question
Television Discovers the Socialist Version of a Cheat Code
DSA national co-chair Megan Romer turned a television true-or-false segment into the most efficient demolition permit in American history, reportedly affirming support for abolishing prisons, borders, ICE and the Senate, defunding the Pentagon, granting amnesty and transferring major corporations into public ownership. The answers aligned with portions of the organization's published program, including its demand to abolish the Senate and its formal "Abolish ICE" commitment referenced on the DSA's own site. Never has a quiz contestant removed so much national infrastructure without winning a blender.
Ordinary Test-Taking vs. Revolutionary Test-Taking
Ordinary students read the question, consider the evidence and select true or false. Revolutionary students circle "abolish," accuse the answer sheet of reproducing hierarchy and demand collective ownership of the pencil.
"Should the country have borders?"
"Abolish them."
"Should violent criminals be incarcerated?"
"Abolish prisons."
"Should the United States maintain a military?"
"Defund it."
"Would you like fries with that?"
"Nationalize the potato."
By the third question, producers reportedly stopped checking the answer key and began checking the building's evacuation routes.
Every Question Has the Same Compassionate Answer
Political scientists have long studied ideological simplification, the tendency to force complicated public problems into a single moral framework, a pattern the Pew Research Center has tracked for decades in polarized electorates. The DSA has improved the concept by turning it into a game-show buzzer.
Immigration? Abolish enforcement. Crime? Abolish incarceration. Constitutional gridlock? Abolish the chamber causing gridlock. Corporate misconduct? Abolish private control.
It is less a governing philosophy than a universal remote with one large red button.
A Manhattan focus group was asked whether the same approach should be applied to daily life. Participants agreed to abolish traffic after receiving a parking ticket, abolish dentistry after hearing the price of a crown and abolish bathroom scales after Thanksgiving.
Support collapsed when researchers proposed abolishing Wi-Fi. Even committed revolutionaries recognize that some infrastructure is sacred.
One DSA volunteer defended the method as morally clear.
"Complexity is how the ruling class hides the easy answers," she said, while spending 40 minutes explaining the consensus process required to order lunch. "When an institution causes harm, we remove the institution. That is why our chapter no longer has a treasurer, an agenda or anyone who remembers where the donation money went."
The television format was especially revealing because true-or-false questions demand certainty where nuance may be needed.
Abolishing prisons is not the same as reforming sentencing. Abolishing borders is not the same as changing asylum law. Abolishing the Senate is not the same as adjusting representation.
But nuance has always been the enemy of excellent television and successful ideological merchandise.
The Nation Advances to the Lightning Round
In the lightning round, contestants were asked to solve inflation, violent crime, illegal immigration, foreign aggression and corporate monopolies in 30 seconds.
The DSA team completed the challenge in eight by abolishing money, prisons, borders, the Pentagon and corporations. The remaining 22 seconds were used to accuse the clock of wage theft.
Experts from the Institute for Questions With More Than Two Answers warned that public policy cannot be reduced to a binary quiz. A vast country contains tradeoffs, competing rights, constitutional limits, unintended consequences and occasionally citizens who do not want their neighborhood managed by the same people who require three subcommittees to reserve a library room.
Romer's performance nevertheless earned perfect marks from activists, because ideological examinations are graded differently. Correct answers are less important than correct intentions, and results are considered a bourgeois distraction.
If a policy increases crime, produces shortages or destroys accountability, that merely proves it was not implemented by enough graduate students.
The DSA is now developing a home edition of the game. Players draw cards reading "Police," "Private Property," "Aircraft Carrier," "Senate," "Border Checkpoint" and "Person Who Disagrees."
The winner is the first participant to abolish the board, confiscate the tokens and declare the living room a liberated zone.
Network executives are reportedly delighted. The segment requires no researchers, no fact-checkers and no expensive prize budget. It also has limitless sequel potential.
Next week's episode will ask whether the DSA supports abolishing homework, calories and the consequences of municipal elections.
The answer is expected to be bold, immediate and available on a protest sign before the host finishes the question.
Humorous Observations
- A game show with only one possible answer is technically not a game show, it's a pledge drive.
- "Nationalize the potato" may be the most honest sentence uttered on live television this year.
- The lightning round proved you can solve five crises in eight seconds if you don't care about the results.
- A living room "liberated zone" still has a landlord, he's just not being consulted anymore.
- Even revolutionaries drew the line at abolishing Wi-Fi.
This article is satirical journalism. The quiz show, the lightning round, and the home edition board game are comic exaggerations of real public statements made in the DSA's platform. No actual game show segment is being reported as fact. It is presented as satirical news for entertainment and commentary purposes.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! https://bohiney.com/?p=44536
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