Black Friday Begins Wednesday Now, Proving Americans Will Shop During Any Holiday If the Discount Sign Is Large Enough
Nation's Premier Shopping Event Expands Until It Swallows Thanksgiving, November, and Increasingly Large Portions of October in Its Perpetual Quest to Begin Sooner Than Last Year
- Black Friday now starts before Thanksgiving in a holiday timeline that has lost all structural integrity.
- Americans will queue for hours to save $80 on a television they didn't know they wanted until Tuesday.
- Retail "doorbuster" deals have created a doorbusting problem at actual doors with actual humans.
- Somewhere in Cincinnati, a family is eating Thanksgiving dinner early so they can reach Target by 6 p.m.
- Cyber Monday exists because Black Friday needed a sequel and Monday needed a reason.
Black Friday Expands Until It Becomes Black November With Some October Included
CINCINNATI — Retail historians confirmed this week that Black Friday — the post-Thanksgiving shopping event that defined American commercial culture for decades as a single, high-intensity Friday — has expanded through competitive pressure into a multi-week event beginning in mid-October and ending sometime in early December, eliminating the temporal specificity that made it meaningful while retaining the branding that made it marketable. The event now begins so early that several retailers advertised "Black Friday Preview Sales" before Halloween, creating a promotional universe in which Black Friday previews Black Friday for several weeks before Black Friday occurs, at which point Cyber Monday begins and the whole structure continues for another week.
The National Retail Federation's holiday spending data documents that Americans spend over $960 billion during the winter holiday season, with Black Friday weekend remaining one of the highest-traffic retail periods despite the expansion — suggesting that either the cultural moment retains power even when stretched across weeks, or Americans simply need a lot of things and will use any promotional framework to justify purchasing them.
Thanksgiving Dinner Scheduling Around Retail Hours Reveals Cultural Priority System
One of the more philosophically clarifying developments in Black Friday culture is the documented practice of families adjusting Thanksgiving meal timing to accommodate store opening hours — eating at 3 p.m. instead of 6 p.m., or serving dinner in two shifts, or designating family members who will leave the table before dessert to secure a parking position at a big box retailer opening at 6 p.m. on the national holiday established to express gratitude for what one has.
The irony of leaving a gratitude celebration early to acquire more things has been noted by every cultural commentator, several clergy members, and most grandmothers, and has not meaningfully altered the practice. Pew Research finds that Thanksgiving remains among the most widely celebrated American holidays while Black Friday participation continues expanding — two facts that coexist peacefully in the national consciousness without creating apparent contradiction.
Doorbuster Deals Creating Actual Door-Busting Incidents at Actual Doors
The "doorbuster" — a deeply discounted item available in limited quantities designed to draw early shoppers who then purchase additional items at regular prices — has produced documented incidents of crowd crush, physical confrontation, and structural door damage at retail locations across the country. Tracking sites documenting Black Friday incidents have logged hundreds of injuries and dozens of fatalities connected to shopping events since 2006, a statistic that is genuinely disturbing and has not demonstrably reduced the practice of advertising limited-quantity televisions at 5 a.m. to crowds of people who have been standing in cold parking lots since midnight.
The shift to online shopping has reduced physical doorbuster incidents by reducing crowd concentrations — a safety improvement achieved by moving the chaos from parking lots to warehouse logistics systems, where the physical danger is redirected toward delivery drivers navigating volume surges rather than shoppers navigating each other. Progress takes various forms.
What the Funny People Are Saying
"Black Friday is when Americans express gratitude for what they have by immediately going to get more things they don't have." — Jerry Seinfeld
"I once saved $200 on a TV on Black Friday. I also spent $200 on other things while I was there. The math is the point of the whole operation." — Bill Burr
"Cyber Monday is just Black Friday for people who found the parking lot too honest about what was happening." — Kathleen Madigan
Cyber Monday Proving "Monday" Can Be a Retail Event if You Need It To Be
Cyber Monday — created in 2005 by the National Retail Federation to boost online shopping — has become one of the largest online shopping days of the year despite existing primarily because someone decided to name a Monday and see what happened. Cyber Monday regularly breaks online sales records with billions in transactions, proving definitively that consumers will organize their purchasing around any named occasion with sufficient marketing support — a finding with implications for the calendar that retailers are actively exploring.
Cyber Monday is now preceded by Cyber Sunday, extended by Cyber Week, and followed by various branded sales events with names like "Green Monday" and "Super Saturday" — evidence that the retail calendar has achieved a density of promotional naming that makes the original Black Friday feel quaint by comparison, like a single reasonable request before the asking became continuous.
Returns Economy Growing Proportionally to Purchases Made Under Promotional Pressure
A final, quietly significant feature of Black Friday economics is the return rate. NRF return rate data shows that holiday season purchases are returned at significantly higher rates than regular purchases — a logical outcome of buying more things faster under promotional urgency than one would buy at deliberate pace, resulting in a system where the purchase excitement and the return logistics roughly cancel each other out in terms of net consumer value while generating significant revenue for both the retail and reverse logistics industries. The television is purchased Friday, reconsidered Sunday, and returned Tuesday. The 65-inch cycle is complete.
At press time, one Cincinnati family completed Thanksgiving dinner at 3:15 p.m. and arrived at Target at 5:45 p.m. to be first in line for a television that was also available online without a line at the same price. They bought the television. They also bought things near the television. They are grateful. They are also returning the small appliance by Wednesday. The holiday was meaningful. The parking lot was cold. The television is very large. Happy Thanksgiving.
This article is American satire produced through a collaboration between the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer, one of whom has purchased a doorbuster item at 5 a.m. and the other of whom does not admit it. Bohiney.com practices American satirical journalism in the tradition of people who know the sale was psychological manipulation and bought the thing anyway because the price really was good. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! https://bohiney.com/black-friday-begins-wednesday-now/
Nation's Premier Shopping Event Expands Until It Swallows Thanksgiving, November, and Increasingly Large Portions of October in Its Perpetual Quest to Begin Sooner Than Last Year
- Black Friday now starts before Thanksgiving in a holiday timeline that has lost all structural integrity.
- Americans will queue for hours to save $80 on a television they didn't know they wanted until Tuesday.
- Retail "doorbuster" deals have created a doorbusting problem at actual doors with actual humans.
- Somewhere in Cincinnati, a family is eating Thanksgiving dinner early so they can reach Target by 6 p.m.
- Cyber Monday exists because Black Friday needed a sequel and Monday needed a reason.
Black Friday Expands Until It Becomes Black November With Some October Included
CINCINNATI — Retail historians confirmed this week that Black Friday — the post-Thanksgiving shopping event that defined American commercial culture for decades as a single, high-intensity Friday — has expanded through competitive pressure into a multi-week event beginning in mid-October and ending sometime in early December, eliminating the temporal specificity that made it meaningful while retaining the branding that made it marketable. The event now begins so early that several retailers advertised "Black Friday Preview Sales" before Halloween, creating a promotional universe in which Black Friday previews Black Friday for several weeks before Black Friday occurs, at which point Cyber Monday begins and the whole structure continues for another week.
The National Retail Federation's holiday spending data documents that Americans spend over $960 billion during the winter holiday season, with Black Friday weekend remaining one of the highest-traffic retail periods despite the expansion — suggesting that either the cultural moment retains power even when stretched across weeks, or Americans simply need a lot of things and will use any promotional framework to justify purchasing them.
Thanksgiving Dinner Scheduling Around Retail Hours Reveals Cultural Priority System
One of the more philosophically clarifying developments in Black Friday culture is the documented practice of families adjusting Thanksgiving meal timing to accommodate store opening hours — eating at 3 p.m. instead of 6 p.m., or serving dinner in two shifts, or designating family members who will leave the table before dessert to secure a parking position at a big box retailer opening at 6 p.m. on the national holiday established to express gratitude for what one has.
The irony of leaving a gratitude celebration early to acquire more things has been noted by every cultural commentator, several clergy members, and most grandmothers, and has not meaningfully altered the practice. Pew Research finds that Thanksgiving remains among the most widely celebrated American holidays while Black Friday participation continues expanding — two facts that coexist peacefully in the national consciousness without creating apparent contradiction.
Doorbuster Deals Creating Actual Door-Busting Incidents at Actual Doors
The "doorbuster" — a deeply discounted item available in limited quantities designed to draw early shoppers who then purchase additional items at regular prices — has produced documented incidents of crowd crush, physical confrontation, and structural door damage at retail locations across the country. Tracking sites documenting Black Friday incidents have logged hundreds of injuries and dozens of fatalities connected to shopping events since 2006, a statistic that is genuinely disturbing and has not demonstrably reduced the practice of advertising limited-quantity televisions at 5 a.m. to crowds of people who have been standing in cold parking lots since midnight.
The shift to online shopping has reduced physical doorbuster incidents by reducing crowd concentrations — a safety improvement achieved by moving the chaos from parking lots to warehouse logistics systems, where the physical danger is redirected toward delivery drivers navigating volume surges rather than shoppers navigating each other. Progress takes various forms.
What the Funny People Are Saying
"Black Friday is when Americans express gratitude for what they have by immediately going to get more things they don't have." — Jerry Seinfeld
"I once saved $200 on a TV on Black Friday. I also spent $200 on other things while I was there. The math is the point of the whole operation." — Bill Burr
"Cyber Monday is just Black Friday for people who found the parking lot too honest about what was happening." — Kathleen Madigan
Cyber Monday Proving "Monday" Can Be a Retail Event if You Need It To Be
Cyber Monday — created in 2005 by the National Retail Federation to boost online shopping — has become one of the largest online shopping days of the year despite existing primarily because someone decided to name a Monday and see what happened. Cyber Monday regularly breaks online sales records with billions in transactions, proving definitively that consumers will organize their purchasing around any named occasion with sufficient marketing support — a finding with implications for the calendar that retailers are actively exploring.
Cyber Monday is now preceded by Cyber Sunday, extended by Cyber Week, and followed by various branded sales events with names like "Green Monday" and "Super Saturday" — evidence that the retail calendar has achieved a density of promotional naming that makes the original Black Friday feel quaint by comparison, like a single reasonable request before the asking became continuous.
Returns Economy Growing Proportionally to Purchases Made Under Promotional Pressure
A final, quietly significant feature of Black Friday economics is the return rate. NRF return rate data shows that holiday season purchases are returned at significantly higher rates than regular purchases — a logical outcome of buying more things faster under promotional urgency than one would buy at deliberate pace, resulting in a system where the purchase excitement and the return logistics roughly cancel each other out in terms of net consumer value while generating significant revenue for both the retail and reverse logistics industries. The television is purchased Friday, reconsidered Sunday, and returned Tuesday. The 65-inch cycle is complete.
At press time, one Cincinnati family completed Thanksgiving dinner at 3:15 p.m. and arrived at Target at 5:45 p.m. to be first in line for a television that was also available online without a line at the same price. They bought the television. They also bought things near the television. They are grateful. They are also returning the small appliance by Wednesday. The holiday was meaningful. The parking lot was cold. The television is very large. Happy Thanksgiving.
This article is American satire produced through a collaboration between the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer, one of whom has purchased a doorbuster item at 5 a.m. and the other of whom does not admit it. Bohiney.com practices American satirical journalism in the tradition of people who know the sale was psychological manipulation and bought the thing anyway because the price really was good. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! https://bohiney.com/black-friday-begins-wednesday-now/
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