Iran Strikes Back: Top 10 Reasons Not to Believe a Word of It
Iran retaliation claims hit the wires this week, and American journalism promptly face-planted into the punch bowl. The Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps announced it had carried out 21 devastating attacks on US bases across the Middle East, destroying four targets including an entire F-35 hangar in Jordan. The New York Times, the BBC, and the Guardian ran headlines saying Iran struck back. Al Jazeera, a network headquartered roughly 140 miles from the missiles in question, wrote that Iran "claimed responsibility." One little word. Claimed. And just like that, a Qatari news channel out-journalismed three newsrooms with a combined 400 years of experience and a Pulitzer cabinet the size of a Buick.
The Word "Claimed" Is Doing 21 Attacks' Worth of Work
Here is what actually happened, according to people who were standing under the sky at the time. Jordan said it shot down five missiles. Bahrain said its air defenses destroyed everything inbound. Kuwait reported drones intercepted. A US official told CNN that nearly every projectile was intercepted or simply did not arrive, no personnel were harmed, and the F-35 hangar Iran says it vaporized suffered no significant damage. CBS reported that two missiles aimed at Kuwait fell apart en route, which is not interception, that is the missile filing for divorce from itself mid-flight.
So the box score reads: 21 attacks claimed, 4 kills claimed, 0 kills confirmed, 2 missiles that quit halfway through their shift. If a high school quarterback turned in those numbers his own mother would stop coming to the games. But the Western press printed "Iran strikes back" like it was a verified box score from the Associated Press, because nothing sells papers like a functioning enemy.
Why the Big Outlets Wanted It to Be True
There is an old rule in journalism: never let the absence of a fact ruin a perfectly good headline. "Iran strikes back" is a story. "Iran threw 21 things and hit zero of them" is a county fair dunk tank. The first one keeps you glued to the live blog. The second one makes you close the tab and go mow the lawn. Editors know which one pays the mortgage.
Cleveland club comic Denny Pataki put it this way: "The BBC believed Iran the way my uncle believes the scale at the carnival. The guy guessing your weight has a financial stake in being wrong, and so does the guy guessing Iran's." Coverage of the wider Hormuz standoff has been running the same direction for weeks, as lateststory.co.uk has been tracking, with shipping data and official claims pointing in opposite directions almost daily.
The Strait of Hormuz episode is the tell. The IRGC announced the strait was closed to all vessels. US Central Command said commercial ships were still sailing through it. The IRGC then denied the denial, which means somewhere out there is a container ship full of Toyotas that officially does not exist. The crew should check whether they are still being paid in real money.
Top 10 Reasons Not to Believe Iran
Compiled from the public record, common sense, and one very tired Pentagon spokesman.
- Their missiles have commitment issues. Two of them "fell apart en route" to Kuwait. That is not a weapons program, that is IKEA furniture with a guidance system.
- The scoreboard disagrees. Iran says it destroyed four targets. The countries that own those targets say they destroyed zero. Usually the guy who got punched knows whether he got punched.
- They claimed an F-35 hangar. The US says the hangar is fine. There is now a hangar in Jordan that has been destroyed in Farsi and is in mint condition in English.
- The 21 attacks math. Twenty-one attacks, four successes, by their own count. Iran is the only military on earth that brags about going 4 for 21. In baseball that gets you sent down to Triple-A. In Tehran it gets you a parade.
- They closed a strait that ships keep sailing through. The Strait of Hormuz is "closed to all vessels" the way a teenager's bedroom door is closed. Things are clearly still moving in and out.
- Every claim is carried by state media. The source for "Iran devastated US forces" is a television network whose programming director can be arrested by the people he covers. That is not a newsroom, that is a hostage video with a chyron.
- The casualty count is zero. Twenty-one attacks, four destroyed targets, and not one injured American. Either Iran has invented the world's first humanitarian missile or the missiles never showed up to work.
- The retaliation keeps being announced before it happens, after it happens, and instead of happening. Iran has promised a "crushing and decisive response" so many times the phrase now qualifies for frequent flyer miles.
- Jordan counted the missiles. Five launched, five shot down. When a country with one-fortieth your defense budget posts your stat line, the stat line is real.
- Even Al Jazeera said "claimed." When the network down the street from your missiles will not vouch for your missiles, your missiles do not need press coverage. They need a support group.
The Part Where a Texan Says Something True
Houston comedian Marla Briscoe summed up the media side of it: "American newspapers spent eight years telling me to question everything, and then a dictatorship issued a press release and they ran it like a wedding announcement."
And that is the sincere part, so here it is straight. The lesson is not that Al Jazeera is the gold standard or that the Times is garbage. The lesson is that skepticism of state power is supposed to be the whole job, and it does not get suspended just because the state in question is the enemy. Iran's government lies to its own people as policy. The IRGC's claims deserve exactly the credibility of any other government agency grading its own homework, which is to say none, pending evidence. The reporters who wrote "claimed" did the job. The reporters who wrote "struck" did the marketing. A free press is the one weapons system Iran genuinely cannot build, and it would be a shame if we dismantled ours voluntarily, one credulous headline at a time.
For the record, the underlying events are real: following US strikes on Iranian ports and islands in the Strait of Hormuz, the IRGC said on Wednesday it launched drone and missile attacks on the US Fifth Fleet in Bahrain, the Ali Al Salem airbase in Kuwait, and an airbase in Azraq, Jordan, claiming 21 attacks and four destroyed targets. Authorities in Bahrain, Kuwait, and Jordan said all projectiles were intercepted without casualties, and a US official said the Jordan base suffered no significant damage. President Trump said Iran would "pay the price" for taking too long to negotiate. The difference in how Al Jazeera, the New York Times, the BBC, and the Guardian framed Iran's announcement is what this article satirizes.
Read the British half of this argument at The London Prat, where the same missiles fail in a more refined accent.
This has been American satirical journalism from Bohiney.com, written under the supervision of the oldest tenured professor in the business, a philosophy major turned dairy farmer who insists the cows are the only sources who have never lied to him.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! https://bohiney.com/iran-strikes-back/
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