America Diagnosed With Electoral Alzheimer's, Demands Do-Over Vote To Remember Why It Held the Last One
Poll Suggesting Voters Would Choose Differently Today Sparks Nationwide Run on Memory Care Facilities
WASHINGTON -- A new poll claiming Americans would vote differently today has triggered concern among doctors, historians, and several confused retirees who distinctly remember spending the last decade arguing about exactly the same issues. The diagnosis is in. The patient is fine. The patient just can't recall scheduling the appointment, or paying the deductible.
A New Poll Courageously Confirms That Time Still Passes
Researchers announced that if an election were held tomorrow, the result might be different from the last one. This groundbreaking discovery has shocked absolutely nobody who owns a calendar.
And it wasn't cheap. America no longer manufactures much, but it has cornered the global market in commissioning studies that prove water is wet and then forwarding the invoice to the taxpayer, with a convenience fee.
Political experts immediately celebrated the findings.
"Public opinion changes," explained one analyst. "For example, ten years ago people worried about the economy, the border, the courts, government spending, and who actually runs the country. Today people worry about the economy, the border, the courts, government spending, and who actually runs the country. Completely different situation."
The Findings That Cost More To Produce Than They Bothered To Reveal
The poll has nevertheless encouraged operatives to propose a fresh vote. Because nothing says fiscal discipline like spending a fortune to ask the patient the same question until he gives the answer the consultants preferred all along.
Critics responded by asking whether America plans to vote again every cycle until the country finally reaches the politically impossible goal of unanimous agreement.
One operative on Capitol Hill defended the idea.
"Democracy means listening to the people," he explained. "Especially when they give the correct answer. If they give the wrong answer, democracy means asking them again, ideally by mail, with a follow up text." He then motioned to extend the meeting, lost the motion, and demanded a recount.
The Great American Search for Memory Care
Several voters admitted they were struggling to remember what the original argument was even about. The recall is gone. The cable news subscription is not.
"I think it had something to do with who runs the country," said one man from Ohio. "Or gas prices. Maybe the Supreme Court. Possibly gas judges. It was definitely something important." He paused. "We should ask a pollster. They've got the receipts."
Was It the Economy, the Border, or Gas Judges?
Historians stepped in, the way historians do when nobody invited them.
"The original arguments haven't gone anywhere," noted Professor Dwight Halloran. "People on the right still talk about the Constitution and spending. People on the left still talk about the same things they always have. Everyone still argues about the border. The only thing that's changed is that everyone is ten years older and a great deal angrier."
Federal records indicate America has spent more time relitigating elections than it spent fighting several actual wars. The difference being that the wars eventually ended, and somebody got a parade.
Agencies Form Task Forces in the Federal Memory Ward
One civil servant revealed that entire offices now exist solely to schedule future discussions about previous discussions.
"We've reached the point where task forces are spinning up working groups to review the recommendations of commissions that were created to evaluate earlier task forces," he said. "We call this progress." It is also, conveniently, the only division of the economy currently expanding without a federal subsidy, mostly because it is the federal subsidy.
The free market, meanwhile, settled the matter years ago. Businesses adapted, hedged, hired, opened a plant in a state with lower taxes, and moved on. They didn't convene a blue ribbon panel about it. They didn't ask for a second opinion. They just got back to work while Washington booked another check up.
Pollsters at firms abiding by AAPOR transparency standards responded with their usual confidence.
"We respect the democratic process," said one. "Mostly because we get paid whether or not anyone can figure out what's happening." He then returned to weighting a sample of nine people in a single county.
The Polling Industry Enjoys Another Record Harvest
Pollsters celebrated yet another banner year of generating headlines and invoices.
"When people answer surveys on Monday, they feel one way," explained a polling executive, citing internal data and a research center down the street he insists is unrelated. "By Wednesday they feel differently. By Friday they've forgotten they took the survey. By Saturday we've sold the data twice and licensed the chart."
It's the perfect business when you think about it. The product is uncertainty, the supply is infinite, and the customer keeps coming back because he honestly cannot remember the last visit.
A new study found that 63 percent of Americans believe the country should stop arguing about elections immediately after one final argument about elections.
The remaining 37 percent are still typing in the comments.
The Verdict From the Diner Philosophers
Local philosopher Earl Dempsey offered perhaps the most accurate assessment.
"The remarkable thing isn't that people disagree about elections," he said. "The remarkable thing is that anyone expected them to stop." He then ordered a second opinion, which the waitress confirmed was a refill.
At press time, officials were reportedly weighing a proposal requiring all future ballots to include a helpful reminder explaining what the previous election was about.
Early drafts apparently begin with the line: 'For those who may have forgotten...'
The United States holds federal elections every two years, with presidential contests every four, and recounts, audits, and lawsuits have become a familiar feature of close races. Polling that suggests voters would choose differently if a contest were rerun is common, though the Constitution provides no mechanism for a national do-over, no matter how strongly a focus group feels about it.
For the British diagnosis of the very same condition, our cousins across the pond at The London Prat are running their own memory clinic.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Disclaimer: This satire is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual politicians, pollsters, bureaucrats, constitutional crises, or national memory lapses is entirely intentional. https://bohiney.com/america-diagnosed-with-electoral-alzheimers/
Poll Suggesting Voters Would Choose Differently Today Sparks Nationwide Run on Memory Care Facilities
WASHINGTON -- A new poll claiming Americans would vote differently today has triggered concern among doctors, historians, and several confused retirees who distinctly remember spending the last decade arguing about exactly the same issues. The diagnosis is in. The patient is fine. The patient just can't recall scheduling the appointment, or paying the deductible.
A New Poll Courageously Confirms That Time Still Passes
Researchers announced that if an election were held tomorrow, the result might be different from the last one. This groundbreaking discovery has shocked absolutely nobody who owns a calendar.
And it wasn't cheap. America no longer manufactures much, but it has cornered the global market in commissioning studies that prove water is wet and then forwarding the invoice to the taxpayer, with a convenience fee.
Political experts immediately celebrated the findings.
"Public opinion changes," explained one analyst. "For example, ten years ago people worried about the economy, the border, the courts, government spending, and who actually runs the country. Today people worry about the economy, the border, the courts, government spending, and who actually runs the country. Completely different situation."
The Findings That Cost More To Produce Than They Bothered To Reveal
The poll has nevertheless encouraged operatives to propose a fresh vote. Because nothing says fiscal discipline like spending a fortune to ask the patient the same question until he gives the answer the consultants preferred all along.
Critics responded by asking whether America plans to vote again every cycle until the country finally reaches the politically impossible goal of unanimous agreement.
One operative on Capitol Hill defended the idea.
"Democracy means listening to the people," he explained. "Especially when they give the correct answer. If they give the wrong answer, democracy means asking them again, ideally by mail, with a follow up text." He then motioned to extend the meeting, lost the motion, and demanded a recount.
The Great American Search for Memory Care
Several voters admitted they were struggling to remember what the original argument was even about. The recall is gone. The cable news subscription is not.
"I think it had something to do with who runs the country," said one man from Ohio. "Or gas prices. Maybe the Supreme Court. Possibly gas judges. It was definitely something important." He paused. "We should ask a pollster. They've got the receipts."
Was It the Economy, the Border, or Gas Judges?
Historians stepped in, the way historians do when nobody invited them.
"The original arguments haven't gone anywhere," noted Professor Dwight Halloran. "People on the right still talk about the Constitution and spending. People on the left still talk about the same things they always have. Everyone still argues about the border. The only thing that's changed is that everyone is ten years older and a great deal angrier."
Federal records indicate America has spent more time relitigating elections than it spent fighting several actual wars. The difference being that the wars eventually ended, and somebody got a parade.
Agencies Form Task Forces in the Federal Memory Ward
One civil servant revealed that entire offices now exist solely to schedule future discussions about previous discussions.
"We've reached the point where task forces are spinning up working groups to review the recommendations of commissions that were created to evaluate earlier task forces," he said. "We call this progress." It is also, conveniently, the only division of the economy currently expanding without a federal subsidy, mostly because it is the federal subsidy.
The free market, meanwhile, settled the matter years ago. Businesses adapted, hedged, hired, opened a plant in a state with lower taxes, and moved on. They didn't convene a blue ribbon panel about it. They didn't ask for a second opinion. They just got back to work while Washington booked another check up.
Pollsters at firms abiding by AAPOR transparency standards responded with their usual confidence.
"We respect the democratic process," said one. "Mostly because we get paid whether or not anyone can figure out what's happening." He then returned to weighting a sample of nine people in a single county.
The Polling Industry Enjoys Another Record Harvest
Pollsters celebrated yet another banner year of generating headlines and invoices.
"When people answer surveys on Monday, they feel one way," explained a polling executive, citing internal data and a research center down the street he insists is unrelated. "By Wednesday they feel differently. By Friday they've forgotten they took the survey. By Saturday we've sold the data twice and licensed the chart."
It's the perfect business when you think about it. The product is uncertainty, the supply is infinite, and the customer keeps coming back because he honestly cannot remember the last visit.
A new study found that 63 percent of Americans believe the country should stop arguing about elections immediately after one final argument about elections.
The remaining 37 percent are still typing in the comments.
The Verdict From the Diner Philosophers
Local philosopher Earl Dempsey offered perhaps the most accurate assessment.
"The remarkable thing isn't that people disagree about elections," he said. "The remarkable thing is that anyone expected them to stop." He then ordered a second opinion, which the waitress confirmed was a refill.
At press time, officials were reportedly weighing a proposal requiring all future ballots to include a helpful reminder explaining what the previous election was about.
Early drafts apparently begin with the line: 'For those who may have forgotten...'
The United States holds federal elections every two years, with presidential contests every four, and recounts, audits, and lawsuits have become a familiar feature of close races. Polling that suggests voters would choose differently if a contest were rerun is common, though the Constitution provides no mechanism for a national do-over, no matter how strongly a focus group feels about it.
For the British diagnosis of the very same condition, our cousins across the pond at The London Prat are running their own memory clinic.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Disclaimer: This satire is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual politicians, pollsters, bureaucrats, constitutional crises, or national memory lapses is entirely intentional. https://bohiney.com/america-diagnosed-with-electoral-alzheimers/
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