The Columbia Library Liberation
The Great Columbia Library Liberation: A Saga of Revolutionary Cosplay
Once in a generation, a movement rises that reshapes the very fabric of history. Martin Luther King Jr. had the March on Washington. The Berlin Wall had the defiant crowds of 1989. And Columbia University? Well, Columbia had the Great Barnard Library Siege of 2024—a bold attempt to dismantle oppression by… storming a study space.
Yes, dear reader, nine brave revolutionaries—each more self-important than the last—stood up against The Man (who, in this case, was probably a tired librarian with a rolling cart full of overdue books). Their mission? To rid the world of Zionist-imperialist library systems and replace them with anarchy, free tuition, and perhaps an espresso machine that never runs out.
But who were these modern-day freedom fighters, these enlightened warriors of social justice? Let us meet the Columbia Nine, each as ideologically confused as a socialist at a Whole Foods checkout line.
“I got thrown out of a library once… but that’s because I passed out in the large print section. These kids? They’re getting arrested for trespassing in a place that lets you in for free. That takes talent.” — Ron White
Gabrielle Wimer: The Humanitarian Who Hates Order
Gabrielle Wimer was no ordinary activist—no, this was a woman of great distinction. A medical student at Columbia’s Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons, she was also the Class of 2025 president. One might assume that such a person would be preoccupied with studying anatomy or, at the very least, faking empathy during rounds. Instead, Wimer’s commitment to health apparently extended to storming a library in the name of justice.
Wimer was an active member of White Coats for Black Lives, which—based on the name—sounds like an organization dedicated to keeping medical professionals from throwing racial slurs in the ER. However, Wimer and her group had a loftier mission: to dismantle systemic oppression by inconveniencing undergraduates trying to finish their midterms.
According to sources, she entered the library armed with pamphlets and righteous indignation, heroically blocking students from checking out books that—statistically speaking—none of them were actually going to read anyway. When asked how storming a library helped dismantle imperialism, Wimer reportedly answered, “This is about decolonization. Also, I didn’t get into Harvard.”
Hannah Puelle: The Philosopher of Folly
Next, we have Hannah Puelle, a senior studying philosophy and sociology, two degrees that combine to form the intellectual equivalent of a timeshare scam. Puelle, who once edited the Columbia Undergraduate Law Review, found herself making legal history by committing criminal trespass—a bold move for someone presumably familiar with the concept of laws.
Philosophers have long asked, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” But Puelle tackled a much tougher question: “If you storm a library while screaming about settler-colonialism, will anyone take you seriously?”
Unfortunately, the answer remains no.
When arrested, Puelle reportedly tried arguing her case in the style of Kant, claiming, “Morality is derived from duty, and my duty is to disrupt these pig-dogs of imperialism.” The officer, unimpressed, simply handed her a court summons.
Yunseo Chung: The Literary Liberationist
What would a revolution be without its official chronicler? Yunseo Chung, a junior majoring in women’s studies, also happened to be the social media editor for Quarto, Columbia’s literary magazine. In an ironic twist, someone whose job involves preserving words on paper took it upon herself to storm a building full of words on paper.
Chung was reportedly devastated to find that storming a library did not, in fact, liberate any books. “I thought the books would rise up with us!” she lamented. “But they just sat there… compliant… like tools of the oppressor!”
Chung later drafted a 3000-word manifesto about her experience, which no one read because, much like all Quarto articles, it was filled with run-on sentences and academic jargon so dense it could be used as body armor.
Symmes Cannon: The Theatrical Theologian
Every great movement needs its spiritual leader, and that role fell to Symmes Cannon, a student at Union Theological Seminary—which is like Hogwarts, but for people who think Karl Marx is a messiah.
Cannon took it upon himself to provide the religious justification for storming a library, citing Jesus’s “cleansing of the temple” as precedent. Unfortunately, Jesus was expelling money-changers, whereas Cannon was expelling exhausted pre-med students who just wanted a quiet place to suffer in peace.
According to eyewitnesses, Cannon spent most of the occupation shouting Bible verses incorrectly while clutching a copy of Das Kapital like it was the Gospel of Matthew. “The meek shall inherit the earth,” he proclaimed. “But first, they must seize the means of production!”
Christopher Holmes: The Professional Protester
Christopher Holmes, another Union Theological Seminary student, specialized in turning any location into a revolutionary war zone. Having already been arrested for storming Hamilton Hall, Holmes figured, “Why stop at one building?”
With the enthusiasm of a historically illiterate teenager, Holmes explained to police that he was “fighting for the total eradication of Western civilization”—except, of course, for African civilization, which apparently exists on a separate plane of morality.
When asked why he was wearing Nike sneakers, carrying an iPhone, and drinking a Starbucks coffee, Holmes stared blankly before shouting, “These are tools of the revolution!”
Tramy Dong: The Homegrown Heckler
Tramy Dong, the only Barnard student arrested, bravely fought against oppression by… disrupting her own school.
For Dong, the real oppressor wasn’t capitalism or colonialism—it was the quiet, studious atmosphere of Milstein Library. “The only way to dismantle systemic power is through inconvenience,” she explained. “That’s why I also hold Zoom meetings in public restrooms.”
Sources say Dong was furious when she realized her stunt had gotten her expelled. “How was I supposed to know that breaking into buildings had consequences?” she demanded.
The Unaffiliated Trio: The Mystery Mob
The final three protestors were not even students at Columbia or Barnard, but had simply shown up for the fun of it—because nothing says “serious political movement” like a handful of random guys who just happened to be in the neighborhood.
One of them, when asked why he joined, shrugged and said, “I thought there’d be free pizza.”
Storming a Library: The Intellectual Equivalent of Tripping Over Your Own Feet
In the aftermath of this glorious revolution, we are left with one burning question: What did the Columbia Nine actually accomplish?
- Did they dismantle the Zionist-Imperialist-Bourgeois-Book-Lending Complex?
- Did they bring justice to Palestine?
- Did they, at the very least, return their overdue books?
No, dear reader. All they did was get themselves arrested and expelled, proving once again that modern activism is just cosplay for privileged kids who mistake TikTok rants for political philosophy.
According to a survey conducted by absolutely no one, 98% of students at Columbia reported zero impact from the protest, while 2% reported mild inconvenience when they had to find a different study spot.
The Real Victim: The Librarian
Of all the casualties in this failed revolution, the most tragic was Barbara Whitmore, a 67-year-old librarian who was just two weeks away from retirement.
According to reports, Barbara had seen some things in her decades at Columbia:
- Freshmen having nervous breakdowns over thesis papers
- Seniors discovering they could’ve taken easier electives
- At least three separate incidents involving students “accidentally” printing 200 pages of memes
But nothing prepared her for the Barnard Library Siege of 2024.
“I thought it was just another group project gone horribly wrong,” she recounted, wiping tears from her eyes. “But then I saw the pamphlets, and I knew… this was serious.”
Barbara has since retired and is reportedly living in Florida, where the only protests she encounters are old men yelling at CVS self-checkout machines.
Final Thoughts: The Great Nothingburger of 2024
In the end, the Columbia Nine accomplished nothing except securing their place as footnotes in the grand history of idiotic college protests.
If anything, they have proven the old adage true:
“Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it—badly, and with more property damage.”
As they now prepare for their court appearances, one can only hope they use this time for deep reflection and personal growth—or, at the very least, a basic understanding of how laws work.
And to the rest of us? Let us remember this tale as a cautionary fable about what happens when privileged kids get their hands on a political theory book and just enough Red Bull to make terrible decisions.
Auf Wiedersehen, revolutionaries. May your next protest involve fewer criminal charges.
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