Eiffel Tower Closed After Locals Declare It 'Emotionally Exhausting'
PARIS — The Eiffel Tower was briefly closed this week after local residents filed a formal complaint describing the landmark as "too visible" and "trying too hard."
The Tower That Wouldn't Take a Hint
The complaint, signed by over 2,000 Parisians, argued that the tower's constant presence creates "architectural fatigue" and "unnecessary enthusiasm." Residents near the Champ de Mars described waking each morning to what one petitioner called "the same 330 meters of insistence," adding that the structure shows no signs of developing a more modest personality despite repeated cultural signals.
"It's always there," said one resident, who declined to be named on the grounds that naming herself might suggest she cares. "Looking metallic. Being tall. It's a lot."
This is not, historically, a new feeling. When the tower was built in 1889, Parisian writers and artists published a formal protest calling it "this belfry skeleton" and "a truly tragic street lamp." Writer Guy de Maupassant reportedly dined in the tower's restaurant not because he enjoyed it, but because being inside was the only way to avoid looking at it — a coping strategy that, to be fair, also works for most relationships.
Texas Tourist Seeks Clarification, Receives Philosophy Instead
Tourists, meanwhile, expressed confusion. "Isn't that the point?" asked a visitor from Texas before being gently corrected by a nearby philosophy student, who explained that in Paris, the point is never the point. The point is what the point implies about your relationship to the point, and whether you've read the relevant Sartre.
The Eiffel Tower has been closed before during national protests — most recently in October 2025 when strikes swept more than 200 French cities, leading the tower to post a sign reading "Due to a strike, the Eiffel Tower is closed. We apologise." Critics noted this was the most articulate thing the tower had ever said.
The Compromise: Mandatory Humility for Landmarks
City officials are now considering a compromise: allowing the Eiffel Tower to remain open but requiring it to adopt a more understated attitude. Proposed measures include dimming the nightly light show by 40%, replacing the iron latticework with something "more muted, like linen," and installing a plaque acknowledging that, yes, it is perhaps slightly much.
A competing proposal suggests the tower be required to apologize once daily at noon via loudspeaker, in the manner of a houseguest who has overstayed but means well.
The tower itself has not responded to requests for comment. Sources close to the structure say it remains, as ever, tall and unapologetic — two qualities that, in Paris, are either deeply admirable or deeply exhausting depending entirely on who is displaying them.
The Eiffel Tower welcomes approximately 6 to 7 million visitors per year, making it one of the most visited paid monuments on earth. None of those visitors have filed complaints about it being too visible. The 2,000 residents who did are, by every available measure, losing the argument. The Paris Fool has been covering this losing streak with appropriate sympathy.
Bohiney.com is a satirical publication. This article is a human collaboration between a structural engineer who moved to Paris and immediately developed strong opinions about iron and a former art critic who has since accepted the tower. The original 1887 artists' protest against the Eiffel Tower is a real and glorious document. The Texas tourist's confusion is timeless and universal.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo! https://bohiney.com/eiffel-tower-closed/
Comments
Post a Comment