Trump Announces New External Revenue Service

Trump Announces New External Revenue Service: The Art of the (Tax) Deal

“Why tax Americans when you can tax everyone else?” says Trump. Experts remain stunned, comedians thrilled.

In a move only Donald Trump could pull off, the former president has announced the formation of an External Revenue Service (ERS), aimed at collecting taxes from foreign individuals, companies, and maybe even governments. His reasoning? “Why should hardworking Americans foot the bill when we can just bill the world? Believe me, it’s going to be huge.”

The announcement left many scratching their heads, economists debating their life choices, and late-night comedians scrambling for pens. Let’s break this down—and laugh along the way.

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The ‘Global Tax Grab’ Explained

Trump’s ERS would impose “America First” taxes on foreign entities for “using American stuff.” The plan is to charge global corporations for American technology, culture, and even the English language. Yes, you read that right—if you’re speaking English abroad, you’d better get your wallet ready.

Trump explained, “They use English in Paris, right? I hear them. They say ‘croissant,’ but the ‘R’ sound? That’s ours. It’s not fair, folks.”

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Dumb Taxation: A Truly Bipartisan Issue

Critics argue that taxing foreign countries to fund the U.S. government is like starting a lemonade stand where the lemonade is free for neighbors but costs $10 for passing tourists. “It’s ambitious,” said one economist. “It’s also insane.”

Here’s why taxing Americans is bad enough:

1. Americans grumble about taxes like it’s a national pastime.
2. We’re already broke. Taxing us is like squeezing blood from a stone—except the stone has debt collectors.
3. No one wants to find out what happens when the IRS gets another sibling.

Now imagine trying to tax everyone else. It’s the fiscal equivalent of a neighborhood kid charging tolls on an international freeway.

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What Experts and Late-Night Comedians Are Saying

Economic analysts are confused, foreign leaders are offended, and comedians are ecstatic.

• John Oliver quipped: “The External Revenue Service? Sounds like Trump’s way of finally taxing the Mexicans for the wall.”
• Trevor Noah added: “This is like someone saying, ‘We need more revenue. Let’s charge our neighbors for using Wi-Fi they didn’t ask for.’”
• Stephen Colbert mused: “The ERS—because nothing says ‘diplomacy’ like sending France a tax bill for saying ‘email.’”

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The Math Doesn’t Add Up

Even Trump’s supporters seem unsure about the logistics. One rally attendee, Bud from Arkansas, commented, “So, are we mailing the tax bills to China? Because last time I checked, they don’t like our letters.”

Foreign tax enforcement sounds like a bureaucratic nightmare. Imagine an ERS agent showing up in London to explain VAT recalculations. And what if foreign countries retaliate? Suddenly Americans are getting taxed for exporting barbecue culture or Taylor Swift’s music.

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Pro Tips for Trump’s Plan

If Trump really wants this to work, here’s some helpful content for his External Revenue Service:

1. Step-by-Step Guide to Global Taxation:
   • Step 1: Find countries that like us.
   • Step 2: Realize that list is short.
   • Step 3: Tax Canada first—they’re too polite to fight back.
2. Insider Knowledge:
   “Charge extra for anyone streaming The Office overseas.”
3. Best Practices:
   Make tax forms bilingual: English and Google Translate gibberish.

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What Happens Next?

Trump’s plan could theoretically generate revenue—if other countries agree to pay. But history shows that no one likes unsolicited bills. Take the War of 1812: England taxed tea, Americans got angry, and now we have Boston Harbor.

Here’s how this might play out:

• Germany ignores their tax bill.
• China laughs and sends a counter-invoice for manufacturing iPhones.
• Switzerland charges us for storing all our rich people’s money.

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Disclaimer

This article is a collaboration between two sentient beings—a farmer and a cowboy—discussing the wildest ideas from a certain golden-haired businessman. The satire is sharper than any ERS tax form, and while the jokes are free, payment will be accepted in foreign currency.

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Bohiney.com — A satirical depiction of the ‘External Revenue Service,’ a fictional global tax agency humorously taxing foreign countries. The sc– Alan Nafzger (editor) 

15 Hilarious Takes on Trump’s External Revenue Service

• Americans grumble about taxes already. Adding an External Revenue Service is like complaining your wallet’s empty, then deciding to pickpocket your neighbors.
• Imagine foreign leaders getting invoices from the U.S. Treasury: “Dear France, you owe us $10 billion for the Statue of Liberty’s intellectual property rights.”
• Trump says the ERS will charge foreign companies for using American tech. So, when Canadians use Google Maps, do they get a bill for taking a wrong turn?
• Taxing English speakers abroad might backfire. Australians could start charging us for saying “shrimp on the barbie” incorrectly.
• The ERS’s slogan could be: “Because taxing your own citizens is so last century.”
• Late-night comedians joked it’s Trump’s way of making Mexico finally pay for the wall—by invoicing every taco stand south of the border.
• Picture a French baker reading a U.S. tax notice: “I owe $5,000 for saying ‘baguette’ in a way Americans find romantic?”
• Economists predict chaos if the ERS goes global. One quipped, “This plan makes Bitcoin seem like a stable investment.”
• The ERS taxing American culture means Taylor Swift fans in Europe might owe royalties. Swifties could end up bankrupt and heartbroken.
• Trump’s plan to tax foreign countries might just be his way of avoiding paying his own taxes.
• If foreign governments retaliate, Americans might get taxed for exporting obesity, reality TV, and country music.
• The ERS will need international tax agents. Imagine one knocking on China’s door saying, “We’re here for the TikTok money. Open up.”
• Trump wants to charge for “using American stuff.” Great, let’s see how we feel when Italy charges us for eating spaghetti.
• If the ERS enforces Trump’s tax plan, they’ll need a reality show: “Tax Wars: Diplomats vs. the IRS.”
• Foreign countries could respond by taxing U.S. tourists for bad accents, loud laughter, and wearing white sneakers. The ERS might actually start a global fashion war.

 

Bohiney.com — A humorous and exaggerated illustration of the ‘External Revenue Service,’ a fictional global tax agency. The scene features an im– Alan Nafzger (editor) 

Comedian Weigh in on the External Revenue Service

• “Trump’s External Revenue Service is like starting a lemonade stand and charging people who just walked by for smelling the lemons.” – Jerry Seinfeld
• “So now Trump wants to tax foreigners for using English? Someone tell him we’ve been mispronouncing ‘croissant’ for centuries.” – Trevor Noah
• “The ERS is a great idea—if you’re a guy who thinks Monopoly money is real currency.” – John Oliver
• “Trump’s plan is genius. Why stop at taxing foreign countries? Let’s charge aliens for visiting Roswell.” – Conan O’Brien
• “The U.S. taxing foreign countries is like a divorced guy asking his ex-wife’s new boyfriend to cover alimony.” – Jimmy Fallon
• “The ERS would tax foreign companies for using American ideas. So, who’s paying us for the Kardashian concept? That’s gotta be worth billions!” – Amy Schumer
• “Imagine sending Germany a bill for World War II reparations and getting a reply that just says, ‘Nein.’” – Bill Maher
• “The ERS is the perfect Trump idea. Bold, unnecessary, and guaranteed to make accountants cry.” – Stephen Colbert
• “If the U.S. starts charging for speaking English, I’m billing everyone for misusing ‘literally.’” – Sarah Silverman

Originally posted 2021-07-17 18:36:07.

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