James Bond Casting Saga
A Former James Bond Hopeful is Now a “Serious Contender” and Could Duke It Out With… Literally Everyone 
By: Chuckles McGiggleton, International Spy and Occasional Journalist
The James Bond casting saga has now entered what feels like its 917th year, with every British actor over six feet tall having been “confirmed” for the role at least twice. At this point, we might as well give the role to a hologram of Sean Connery and call it a day.
The latest victim—I mean, contender—is Scottish actor Stuart Martin, best known for playing The Duke in Miss Scarlet & The Duke. Apparently, someone at Eon Productions mistook his character’s title for a 007 qualification and thought, “Eh, close enough.”
According to an insider who may or may not just be a bartender, Martin is in “serious contention” for the role. Of course, the term serious contention in the Bond universe is about as meaningful as a villain explaining their evil plan instead of just shooting Bond in the face—exciting, but ultimately, just a lot of noise.
Eon Productions: More Secretive Than MI6 Itself
Eon Productions, the shadowy entity behind the Bond franchise, is so secretive that MI6 is considering outsourcing its espionage operations to them. The Pentagon has expressed admiration, not for Bond himself, but for the studio’s ability to keep secrets longer than any intelligence agency on Earth.
Yet, despite their legendary secrecy, the Bond rumors continue to leak like a badly maintained Aston Martin. The studio’s official casting strategy appears to be:
- Deny everything.
- Say they haven’t even started casting.
- Leak fake names to confuse the internet.
- Watch social media explode while sipping martinis.
- Cast someone completely unexpected and pretend it was the plan all along.
It’s basically the same technique they use for Bond villains, except instead of death rays and volcano lairs, it’s Twitter meltdowns and clickbait articles.
The Contenders: A Battle Royale of British Men in Tuxedos
Stuart Martin is merely the latest name to be thrown into the tuxedo-fueled death match. Other battle-hardened contenders include:
- Henry Cavill – A fan favorite since he lost the role to Daniel Craig back in 2005. He looks so much like Bond that MI6 has him on payroll just in case the real Bond doesn’t show up.
- Tom Hardy – A walking enigma. If cast, the entire movie will need subtitles just to translate his gruff spy mumbling.
- Aaron Taylor-Johnson – Star of Kick-Ass, meaning he already has spy experience (sort of). If cast, Bond will finally get a training montage in spandex.
- James Norton – Has reportedly signed a “no tuxedo” clause, fueling conspiracy theories that he’s either already Bond or just really bad at formal events.
If Fast & Furious movies keep getting bigger, Bond may end up there first, where Vin Diesel will explain that Bond’s true mission was about family all along.
The Tuxedo Conundrum: The Smoking Gun?
The biggest clue to Bond casting? Tuxedo behavior. Recently, fans spotted James Norton at a gala, where everyone was in black tie… except him.
Is this a contractual obligation to avoid looking Bond-like before an official announcement? Or did Norton just forget to do laundry? The internet isn’t taking any chances.
In Bond world, wearing a tux before being cast is practically a war crime. The moment an actor steps onto a red carpet in a tailored suit, expect MI6 to kick down the door.
Fans: Shaken, Stirred, and Exhausted
Bond fans have been analyzing casting rumors like Q analyzing a self-destructing gadget. Some are fully onboard with Stuart Martin, while others are too tired to care anymore.
One fan said:
“Stuart Martin caught my eye… when I had to Google him to figure out who he was.”
Another chimed in:
“He’s got the look… but does he have the brooding monologues about espionage trauma?”
And a third fan, fully embracing despair, admitted:
“I don’t know him… but honestly, does it even matter at this point?”
These fans have officially entered the Five Stages of Bond Grief.
15 Humorous Observations About the Bond Casting Chaos
- The Bond producers are so secretive, MI6 is considering hiring them instead of actual spies.
- Every British actor over six feet tall has been “confirmed” as Bond at least twice.
- Henry Cavill keeps getting rejected because he looks like he could beat up MI6 instead of working for them.
- Whoever gets cast will spend 90% of the first press tour explaining why they’re not copying Sean Connery.
- The real Bond villain is the internet—casting rumors have been coming out faster than bullets from a Walther PPK.
- If they wait any longer, Daniel Craig might get re-recast just because he walked past the studio.
- Every rejected Bond actor can still say they’re more qualified than George Lazenby.
- Tom Hardy as Bond would be great, but the audience would need subtitles every time he spoke.
- At this point, I half expect Bond to be played by a CGI Sean Connery.
- The tuxedo budget alone for a Bond film is higher than the GDP of some countries.
- If Aaron Taylor-Johnson gets the role, we’ll finally have a Bond who literally kicked ass in Kick-Ass.
- James Norton might not be Bond yet, but at least he’s got the “mysteriously dapper” part down.
- Every actor rumored for Bond should get a free martini and a coupon for stuntman lessons.
- The Bond fandom is divided into three factions: Team Cavill, Team Hardy, and Team “JUST ANNOUNCE IT ALREADY.”
- If they don’t hurry up, Bond might end up in the Marvel Cinematic Universe first.
Comedians Weigh In on Bond Madness 
- “James Bond changes actors more often than I change WiFi passwords.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “They should cast me as Bond. I already have the bad British accent and an extreme fear of commitment.” — Sarah Silverman
- “Every time they announce a new Bond, another actor’s childhood dream gets shattered.” — John Mulaney
- “By the time they decide on a new Bond, Daniel Craig’s going to need a walker to get out of an Aston Martin.” — Trevor Noah
- “Casting James Bond is like picking a new Pope. Just tell me when the white smoke comes out of the Aston Martin exhaust.” — Stephen Colbert
Final Verdict: The Spy Who Might Get Cast (Eventually)
As we inch closer to some kind of announcement, one thing is certain—Bond casting rumors will never die. Will it be Stuart Martin? Henry Cavill? Or an unknown actor who just happened to order a martini at the wrong bar?
No one knows. Not even Bond himself.
Disclaimer:
This article is a human collaboration between a 80-year-old muckety-muck with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer and has been satirically shaken, not stirred. No AI was harmed in the making of this piece. Bohiney.com is certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion.
Originally posted 2025-02-02 10:27:56.
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