Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Democrats’ Struggles and Internal Conflicts The Democratic Party’s recent trajectory resembles a sitcom where the characters can’t decide if they’re in a drama or a comedy . The internal tug-of-war between progressives and moderates has left the party looking like it’s trying to dance the cha-cha while wearing two left shoes . It’s as if the Democrats are starring in their own reality show: “America’s Got Divisions.” In the aftermath of Kamala Harris’s electoral defeat, the blame game within the party has been more intense than a Thanksgiving dinner debate. Some argue that progressive groups have pushed the party too far left, adopting positions that alienate the median voter. It’s like they’ve been trying to sell kale smoothies at a county fair—healthy intentions, but not exactly crowd-pleasing. — Vox On the flip side, others contend that corporate interests and powerful forces have led Democrats to neglect the real crises facing Americans. It’s like watching a group of firefi...

Stocks meet headspins According to reports , Wall Street traders are diversifying their portfolios—not with crypto , but with headspins. Every Friday, suited bankers spill out of their offices and onto Broad Street, forming dance circles where they battle for dominance using both market jargon and windmills. “You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a hedge fund manager do the worm while shouting ‘SHORT THE YEN!,’” said one amused tourist. The bankers insist it’s about reclaiming authenticity. “Stocks rise and fall, but popping and locking is forever,” claimed one Goldman analyst, as his Rolex flew off mid-spin. Another trader bragged that his “dance portfolio” is outperforming the Dow Jones. “We’re bullish on backflips.” Local New Yorkers are skeptical. “They clogged up my commute just to yell about derivatives while cartwheeling,” said one annoyed deli worker. Still, the shows are drawing crowds—and venture capitalists. Rumor has it, a new ETF will bundle banker breakdance performanc...

Freedom with bottle service According to reports , the Statue of Liberty is being retrofitted with a VIP rooftop bar, offering “bottle service with freedom fries.” Guests will ride an exclusive elevator straight to Lady Liberty’s torch, where cocktails named “Tequila of Liberty” and “Martini of Justice” will be served at $48 each. “We needed to modernize,” explained a park official. “Tourists love history , but they love overpriced drinks more.” New Yorkers are divided. Some see it as sacrilege. “She’s supposed to welcome immigrants, not sell them mojitos,” said one Staten Island ferry rider. Others are already reserving tables. “Finally, a rooftop bar with views that don’t include a Chase Bank billboard,” said a Brooklynite with ironic suspenders. The new bar also features a DJ booth inside the crown, where DJs spin remixes of patriotic anthems. Rumors say the torch will shoot flames in sync with the bass drop, making it the hottest club in the tri-state area. TikTok’s #TorchBot...

Maxine Waters vs. The Department of Education: The Most Unnecessary Showdown in History How Costco Cards and Civil Rights Analogies Collided The Department of Education isn’t exactly known for wild excitement or heated standoffs. Usually, it’s where bold dreams of education reform go to die quietly in bureaucratic backlogs. But on one fateful afternoon, Maxine Waters decided to flip the script and turn it into the ultimate political showdown . Cameras rolling, arms waving, and Costco membership card in hand, Maxine came ready to fight bureaucracy like it was the final boss in a video game. “Maxine yelling at security was like someone arguing with a vending machine: full of passion but destined to go nowhere.” — Hannah Berner Maxine Makes Her Grand Entrance The drama unfolded quickly. With a determined stride, Maxine marched toward the Department of Education’s front door, demanding immediate access. Her mission? To get to the bottom of test scores that are sinking faster tha...

“Two slices, one nation” According to reports , Queens has boldly declared independence—not from New York City , but from Manhattan pizza supremacy. Borough leaders announced that Queens is now its own sovereign “Pizza Nation,” issuing passports shaped like pizza boxes and adopting “In Crust We Trust” as the official motto. The secession was sparked by outrage over a Midtown shop charging $9 for a plain slice. “That’s not pizza, that’s financial assault,” fumed a Queens councilmember. In protest, Queens opened its own pizza embassy in Flushing, staffed entirely by grandmothers who argue loudly about sauce consistency . Residents are embracing independence. “We finally have borders drawn in mozzarella,” said one proud Astoria local. Streets are now lined with pizza checkpoints—show proof of purchase or get hit with a garlic knot fine. Tourists must exchange dollars for “slice credits,” the new official currency backed by pepperoni futures. Manhattan, predictably, is offended. One Mi...

The Rise of Musk, Trump, and Big Balls: Government Efficiency or Ultimate Chaos? How a Billionaire, a President, and a Kid with a Laptop Shook Up Washington In the pantheon of strange political alliances, there’s never been a weirder dream team than Elon Musk , Donald Trump , and a 19-year-old coder named Big Balls . It sounds like the setup for a bad sitcom, but in reality, it’s a chaotic comedy of government disruption that no one saw coming. Between Musk’s AI-driven auditing crusade, Trump’s bulldozer approach to bureaucracy, and Big Balls’ knack for exposing fraud , the federal government is now trembling at the sight of hoodies and spreadsheets. Musk has gone from being the guy who makes fancy electric cars and rockets to the man with the world’s most powerful calculator , unearthing enough government waste to make an IRS agent blush. Meanwhile, Trump is back in full form, tossing out bureaucrats like contestants on The Apprentice and calling it “draining the swamp.” And ...