Women’s Guide to Identifying Dangerous Men
Women’s Guide to Identifying Dangerous Men: If He Exists, He’s a Threat!
By Lotta Warnings – Senior Red Flag Analyst at Bohiney.com
A New Study Shows That All Male Behavior is a Red Flag
A woman on the internet has bravely revealed that a man’s future dangerousness can be determined by subtle warning signs—like existing in public spaces or, God forbid, making eye contact. As society finally acknowledges the alarming epidemic of men doing normal things, it’s time to shine a light on the 15 biggest warning signs that a man may be on a path toward unchecked violence.
This new, completely rational and not at all paranoid study has emerged, revealing the shocking truth: all men, by virtue of simply existing, are walking red flags. Women, beware! If a man is doing anything at all, he is probably dangerous. In an effort to help, we’ve compiled a failproof list of male behaviors that spell doom.
Did he smile at you? RED FLAG.
Did he avoid smiling? Also RED FLAG.
Did he breathe in a way that seemed too normal? He’s clearly plotting. RED FLAG!!!
To ensure maximum safety, the best course of action is to cross the street, call the authorities, and relocate to a remote island where men are banned and the only dangers are coconut allergies.
But what if you’re forced to interact with a man? Stay alert for these subtle yet terrifying behaviors:
He drinks coffee. Caffeine increases alertness, making him more dangerous. Decaf? That means he’s too controlled.
He owns a wallet. What’s he storing in there? Cash? Credit cards? A picture of his MOTHER? The horror.
He wears socks. He’s clearly hiding something—probably his villainous toes.
“A guy asked me if I wanted to split the bill. I called 911 immediately. It was the only way to be safe.” — Gina Frese
Ladies, the time for ignorance is over. If a man exists, he’s a RED FLAG. Stay vigilant.
15 Everyday Male Behaviors That Are CLEARLY a Red Flag!
1. Watching Football
A man who enjoys watching giant men in tight pants chase a ball clearly has aggression issues. What else could he be plotting? War crimes? A hostile takeover of the living room? He’s obviously a danger to society.
2. Holding the Door Open
If a man holds the door open for you, he’s obviously trying to lure you into an obligation trap. What’s next? Expecting you to say thank you? Absolutely unacceptable.
3. Paying for Dinner
If he pays for your meal, it means he’s establishing dominance, marking his financial territory like a wolf. Next thing you know, he’s expecting you to enjoy dessert! Stay safe and insist on Venmoing him 47 cents for your side salad.
4. Having a Job
A man with stable employment? Classic red flag. He’s clearly obsessed with control. You need to get out before he offers you health insurance.
5. Making Eye Contact
A man looking directly at you? Call the police immediately. If he’s making eye contact, he’s probably memorizing your face so he can recognize you in the future. Probably for nefarious reasons, like saying hello.
6. Owning a Dog
A man who takes care of a dog is only conditioning himself to exert power over a living being. A “good boy” today, a terror tomorrow.
7. Owning a Cat
Oh, he has a cat instead? Even worse. That means he’s emotionally detached, used to being ignored, and willing to let something small and vulnerable roam freely in the house. That’s just too unpredictable.
8. Driving a Car
A man who drives is a man who enjoys power. The speed, the control, the fact that he could take a wrong turn and strand you in a terrifying part of town. It’s best if he has no mobility whatsoever.
9. Knowing How to Cook
A man who knows his way around the kitchen is clearly manipulating you. What’s he trying to prove? That he can keep you comfortable and well-fed? You must escape before he perfects his frittata.
10. Drinking Coffee
A man drinking coffee? He’s artificially elevating his energy levels. Why? To stay awake longer? To plot? To stay vigilant in case someone tries to hold the door open for him? Absolutely terrifying.
11. Exercising
A man who works out is preparing his body for combat. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. Or worse—he’s just doing it to look good. Either way, dangerous.
12. Owning a Wallet
Why does he need to carry money around all the time? What is he preparing for? A financial ambush? A spontaneous dinner offer? Clearly, a sign of controlling tendencies.
13. Wearing Cologne
What’s he trying to do? Smell good? Trick you into thinking he’s non-threatening? Sorry, buddy. We see right through your scent-based deception.
14. Smiling
A man who smiles is clearly hiding something. Smiling suggests confidence, and confidence leads to boldness, and boldness leads to…well, probably smiling again. Either way, it’s a clear sign of trouble.
15. Breathing
Honestly, this is the biggest red flag of them all. If he’s breathing, it means he’s alive, and if he’s alive, he’s a potential threat. Best to cut your losses and move to a remote island where men are banned.
Comedians Weigh In on the Threat of Male Existence
“Men watching sports? What’s next? Women being allowed to watch The Bachelor without suspicion? I don’t think so!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“He held the door open for me once. I knew I had to get a restraining order before it was too late.” — Sarah Silverman
“If a guy buys you dinner, you have two choices: accept your fate or fake your own death. No in-between.” — Larry David
“Breathing? That’s how it starts. Next thing you know, he’s making polite conversation. It’s a slippery slope!” — Ron White
Helpful Content for the Dangerously Paranoid
From Bohiney.com, the only news source certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion.
- Step 1: Stay Vigilant – If you see a man doing anything remotely normal, immediately sound the alarm.
- Step 2: Preemptively Block Him – Even if you haven’t met him yet, assume he’s a problem.
- Step 3: Relocate to a Woman-Only Commune – Your best bet is to live off the grid, where no man can possibly commit the atrocity of offering you his jacket.
- Step 4: Report Men to the Authorities for Basic Behaviors – Remember, it’s never too early to file a report.
Disclaimer
This article is a human collaboration between a professor and a dairyman, ensuring that both academic rigor and rural wisdom were applied to the serious matter of identifying the terrifying dangers of male existence. No AI was involved in the production of this satire—just a well-read scholar and a guy who knows way too much about cows.
If you find yourself deeply offended, please remember that this is a satirical piece and not a government-issued survival guide—though at this point, we wouldn’t be surprised if one exists. Stay vigilant, stay indoors, and most importantly, stay away from any man who dares to breathe near you.
Originally posted 2025-02-01 05:12:45.
The post Women’s Guide to Identifying Dangerous Men appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.
from SpinTaxi Magazine https://ift.tt/rThpoKS
via IFTTT
Comments
Post a Comment