Times Square Declares Independence

Creates its own chaotic nation

Move over, Staten Island. Times Square has declared independence, proclaiming itself a sovereign nation powered by neon, Elmo knockoffs, and overpriced hot dogs. According to reports, the self-styled “Republic of Lights” now requires passports—or at least proof of $25 spent on a novelty cocktail—before entering.

The declaration ceremony was held under the giant Coca-Cola sign, where officials swore allegiance to chaos and Broadway ticket scalpers. Their new constitution promises every citizen one free selfie with a costumed Spider-Man, as long as you ignore the smell of pretzels and despair.

President-for-life is rumored to be a guy named Tony who sells “I ?? NY” hoodies. His cabinet reportedly includes Naked Cowboy as Minister of Culture and three knockoff Disney characters as Supreme Court justices. The national anthem? A mashup of EDM beats and honking horns from taxis stuck on 7th Avenue.

Tourists are ecstatic. “Finally, a country where standing in the middle of the street to film TikToks is not only legal, it’s required,” said one visitor from Ohio. Locals, however, are skeptical. “Times Square was already its own nation,” one Hell’s Kitchen resident muttered. “They’re just making it official.”

Tabloids roared: “NEON NATION” shouted the Post. The Daily News offered: “UNITED STATES OF CHAOS.” Social media memes spread fast: one showed Lady Liberty facepalming, another depicted Times Square’s passport as a laminated Broadway Playbill.

City Hall is scrambling. Mayor Adams insists Times Square is still part of New York, though rumors suggest he secretly supports independence just to offload responsibility for the pedestrian plazas. Governor Hochul, meanwhile, warned that an independent Times Square would mean new border checks, longer subway delays, and possible “war with Midtown food carts.”

For now, Times Square is celebrating with a three-week EDM street festival, daily confetti cannons, and a policy that every lost tourist becomes an automatic citizen. As one Elmo said during the proclamation: “We the people… of neon.”

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/times-square-declares-independence/

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/times-square-declares-independence/.

By: Annika Steinmann.

Annika Steinmann, journalist at bohiney.com -- Times Square Declares Independence
Annika Steinmann, journalist.

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