Central Park Introduces VIP Squirrels

Acorns not included

New York’s most beloved rodents are moving up in the world. According to reports, Central Park has launched a VIP squirrel program, allowing wealthy visitors to “sponsor” an exclusive squirrel experience—complete with acorn bottle service and velvet-roped trees.

“For $999 a month, you get priority access to premium nut stashes,” said a Parks Department rep polishing a squirrel’s tiny sunglasses. These VIP rodents wear gold chains, demand organic cashews, and pose for selfies with hedge fund managers jogging shirtless.

Locals are annoyed. “Regular squirrels used to steal my bagel without an upcharge,” grumbled a dog walker. Now, standard squirrels are pushed to the outskirts while influencers crowd around bottle-service squirrels tossing chestnuts like confetti.

Tabloids had a field day. “SQUIRREL ELITE” shrieked the Post. The Daily News countered: “NUTTY PRIVILEGE.” TikTokers trended #VIPSquirrel, filming themselves trying to sneak into the velvet squirrel lounges with counterfeit acorns.

Mayor Adams defended the plan, saying “everyone in New York deserves a side hustle—even squirrels.” Governor Hochul suggested expanding it to pigeons, though critics warn “we don’t need bottle-service pigeons with attitude.”

For now, Central Park shines as the city’s only nightclub where the VIP list requires a tail and an obsession with nuts.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-introduces-vip-squirrels/

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-introduces-vip-squirrels/.

By: Annika Steinmann.

Annika Steinmann, journalist at bohiney.com -- Central Park Introduces VIP Squirrels
Annika Steinmann, journalist.

The post Central Park Introduces VIP Squirrels appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.



from SpinTaxi Magazine https://ift.tt/iwZmkoS
via IFTTT

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends

Image
Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends Sparks Legal, Moral, and Metaphysical Panic “He’s not dating women—he’s dating licensing agreements,” says baffled lawyer In a scandal hotter than a GPU on overdrive, Bohiney reporters have uncovered that Sam Altman is allegedly dating multiple copyrighted images—yes, the very same ones his AI tools are accused of stealing. Sam Altman's latest image generator is turning heads—and cartoons—by letting users reimagine themselves in “Simpsons”-style portraits. But as Axios reports, the tool is now raising legal eyebrows over potential copyright infringement. While Altman insists the output is “transformative,” critics argue it dangerously toes the line between parody and piracy. Altman's system occasionally refuses prompts using real names or magazine covers, but still allows cartoon parodies of recognizable IPs. Artists and copyright holders are now asking: is this creative freedom, or just digital mimicry in a yellow disguise? In the grea...
Read more

The Ron White Roast

Image
Front Row at the The Ron White Roast “Tater Salad & Regret: A Roast of Ron White” Red Carpet Madness: Tuxedos, Tequila, and One Flaming Cowboy Hat If Texas ever declares independence again, historians will trace it back to The Ron White Roast—a scorched-earth comedy ritual so bourbon-soaked it made the Salem witch trials look like brunch. Held inside a Fort Worth steakhouse that doubles as a gun range on weekends, the roast was billed as “Tater Salad with a Side of Slap.” Guests walked the red carpet, which was technically just a bloodstained carpet salvaged from a failed Whataburger pop-up. The dress code? "Wrinkled denim and financial regret." 🎥 Red Carpet “Highlights” (Bohiney Style) Willie Nelson arrived in a cloud of smoke so thick it delayed three departing flights. Larry the Cable Guy wore a tuxedo vest made of truck tarp and declared, “It’s formal, but fixable with duct tape.” Matthew McConaughey strolled in shirtless, barefoot, and whispered to reporters, “Time ...
Read more

Egyptian Submarine Sinks

Image
Egyptian Submarine Sinks Because Somebody Forgot to Close the Hatch Why 97.3% of Americans Wouldn't Board Anything Egyptian (Not Even a Sandal) Egypt called it a "technical oversight," which is a charming way of saying someone forgot to shut the front door-to the ocean. That's not a minor misstep; that's a full-blown "welcome mat for Poseidon." Submarines, historically and scientifically, function best when less of the surrounding sea is invited inside for tea. When your billion-dollar aquatic war machine becomes a colander, that's not oversight-that's undersight. The Egyptian Ministry of Defense insists this was merely a "procedural lapse," as if someone forgot to sign the guest book at a wedding, not flood an entire vessel with Neptune's bathwater. At least the crew was prepared: one sailor reportedly tried to plug the hatch with a travel pillow and sheer optimism. It's the first time in naval history that a submarine was sun...
Read more