Brooklyn Hipsters Ban Starbucks

Declare artisanal drip the only legal coffee

Brooklyn hipsters have officially banned Starbucks from their borough, declaring artisanal drip coffee the only legal form of caffeine. According to reports, Williamsburg activists staged a midnight raid, replacing every frappuccino with mason jars filled with ethically sourced cold brew. “This is about authenticity,” said one man in suspenders pouring single-origin beans through a sock. “We will not bow to Pumpkin Spice.”

The new law, passed by an unofficial council of baristas, requires all residents to brew coffee using either French press, AeroPress, or pour-over. K-Cups are punishable by exile to Staten Island. “Corporate chains poison our culture,” the council’s manifesto reads. “If you can’t pronounce the name of your beans, you don’t deserve caffeine.”

Reaction is mixed. Many locals cheer the ban. “Finally, we’re free from venti nonsense,” said a Bushwick resident sipping a $12 nitro latte. Others are furious. “I just want a caramel macchiato,” sobbed a tourist from Ohio. The NYPD declined to intervene, saying only, “We don’t get paid enough to fight hipsters.”

Tabloids wasted no time: “NO STARB’CKS, ALL STAR-BROOKLYN” blared the Post. The Daily News countered with “BEAN REBELLION.” Social media was flooded with memes of Starbucks cups thrown into the East River, captioned: “The Boston Coffee Party.”

Starbucks executives expressed disappointment but vowed to fight back with a limited-edition “Williamsburg Roast,” described as tasting like “vinyl records and regret.” Meanwhile, Dunkin’ quietly expanded, offering locals “ironic lattes” served in mason jars.

For now, Brooklyn is enjoying its caffeine sovereignty. “Our coffee is brewed with integrity,” said one barista while hand-grinding beans for 45 minutes. “And yes, it takes longer than the L train.”

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/brooklyn-hipsters-ban-starbucks/

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/brooklyn-hipsters-ban-starbucks/.

By: Annika Steinmann.

Annika Steinmann, journalist at bohiney.com -- Brooklyn Hipsters Ban Starbucks
Annika Steinmann, journalist.

The post Brooklyn Hipsters Ban Starbucks appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.



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