NASA Discovers Mars Already Has Homeowners Association

Red Planet HOA Rejects Earth’s Colonization Plans Over Architectural Guidelines

In a stunning setback for humanity’s space exploration ambitions, NASA scientists announced Thursday that Mars is already governed by a Homeowners Association that has rejected Earth’s colonization proposals citing violations of architectural guidelines, unauthorized modifications to the planetary landscape, and failure to submit proper paperwork in triplicate. The discovery came when the Perseverance rover received a formal notice demanding it cease operations and remove its “unsightly wheeled apparatus” from HOA-controlled territory, which apparently includes the entire planet.

“We didn’t know Mars had an HOA,” admitted NASA Administrator Dr. Sarah Martinez during a bewildered press conference at the Manhattan NASA office. “We’ve been exploring the planet for years, and only now discovered that every landing, every rover, every scientific instrument we’ve deployed has been in violation of Martian HOA bylaws. We’ve received a cease-and-desist letter, several citations for unauthorized planetary modifications, and a $47,000 fine for failing to maintain consistent aesthetic standards across our exploration equipment. Apparently, the Curiosity rover is the wrong shade of beige.”

The Martian HOA, which has existed since the planet’s formation 4.5 billion years ago, operates according to bylaws written in ancient cosmic legalese that make Earth HOAs seem reasonable by comparison. Regulations include: all structures must be approved by the Architectural Review Committee (currently a quorum of sentient dust storms), no visible modifications to the planetary surface without variance approval, mandatory dues of one Earth billion per solar cycle, and absolutely no parking in designated crater zones except on alternating Wednesdays per Martian calendar which has 687 days per year and no actual Wednesdays.

NASA’s proposed Mars colony designs have been unanimously rejected for multiple violations, including: wrong color scheme (Earth-tone beige not permitted in the Valles Marineris district), excessive height (habitation domes exceed the one-story maximum), improper setbacks (landing pads too close to property lines established by ancient Martian treaties), and most damningly, “not in keeping with the character of the neighborhood.” When NASA pointed out that Mars is a barren desert with no existing structures to maintain character consistency with, the HOA responded that “absence of structures doesn’t mean absence of standards” and cited precedent from the Venus HOA, which also rejects all proposals despite being a hellscape of sulfuric acid clouds.

Brooklyn residents familiar with HOA tyranny expressed sympathy for NASA’s predicament. “I’ve been fighting my HOA for three years about my mailbox color,” noted one frustrated homeowner. “Now NASA is fighting a Martian HOA about whether humanity can colonize another planet. At least I feel less alone in my suffering. Apparently, even cosmic exploration isn’t exempt from petty bureaucratic nonsense about architectural consistency. The universe is governed by HOAs all the way down. It’s HOAs all the way up too. We can never escape.”

The Martian HOA Board of Directors—which apparently consists of three rocks, two ancient impact craters, and what NASA scientists describe as “possibly a sentient dust devil or maybe just wind, it’s hard to tell”—has offered Earth a compromise: humanity can colonize Mars if we agree to paint everything the approved shade of “Martian Rust Red,” install period-appropriate rover accessories, maintain our landing sites to HOA standards including weekly dust removal, and pay a special assessment to cover repairs to Olympus Mons which the HOA claims is “looking shabby and bringing down planetary property values.”

Legal experts at Columbia University are studying the Martian HOA bylaws to determine if they’re enforceable on Earth entities. “The bylaws appear to predate human civilization by several billion years,” explained space law professor Dr. Rebecca Chen. “They’re written in a combination of cosmic radiation patterns and gravitational waves. We’ve had linguists, physicists, and attorneys attempting to interpret them. So far, we’ve confirmed that Mars has deed restrictions, requires approval for any structural changes, and assesses fines for non-compliance. It’s exactly like Earth HOAs, except enforced by planetary gravitational fields instead of passive-aggressive neighbors. Legally, we’re not sure if NASA has to comply, but the universe seems to think they do, so we’re exploring our options.”

SpaceX CEO Elon Musk responded to the news by announcing plans to ignore the Martian HOA entirely and “colonize Mars without permission because that’s what innovators do.” The Martian HOA responded by placing a lien on Mars, effectively claiming ownership of any Musk-funded structures until outstanding fines and dues are paid. “This is exactly the kind of government overreach I’m trying to escape by going to Mars,” Musk tweeted. “Now I find out Mars has its own government, and it’s a HOA, which is literally the worst kind of government. I’m filing appeals and possibly suing the Martian HOA Board for restraint of interplanetary trade.” Legal experts noted that suing sentient rocks and dust storms presents “interesting jurisdictional challenges.”

The revelation has forced humanity to reconsider its entire approach to space colonization. If Mars has an HOA, other planets likely have similar governance structures. Venus probably has a co-op board that rejects all applications. Jupiter might have a condo association with insane monthly fees. Saturn’s rings could be protected historical landmarks with strict preservation requirements. “We assumed space was the final frontier where we could escape Earth’s bureaucratic nonsense,” lamented one NASA scientist. “Turns out the universe is just bureaucracy all the way through. There is no escape. Even Mars, a barren rock 140 million miles away, has an HOA. Humanity’s dreams of space exploration have been crushed by cosmic homeowners association bylaws. This might be the most depressing discovery in the history of space science.”

SOURCE: https://ift.tt/WbVrH9m

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/nasa-discovers-mars-already-has-homeowners-association/.

By: Annika Steinmann.

Annika Steinmann, journalist.

The post NASA Discovers Mars Already Has Homeowners Association appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.

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