CEO Takes Pay Cut From $45M to $44M, Expects Medal

Executive’s “Sacrifice” Inspires Eye-Rolling Nationwide

In a move being hailed as “technically a reduction,” MegaCorp CEO Richard Pennington announced he’s taking a devastating pay cut from $45 million to $44 million annually, and he’d really like everyone to appreciate his sacrifice.

The announcement came during a company-wide Zoom call where Pennington, video-calling from his third yacht, explained that “we’re all tightening our belts” while employees wondered if their belts would even exist after the rumored layoffs. The $1 million reduction represents roughly 2.2% of his compensation—a sacrifice equivalent to the average New Yorker giving up one latte per month, except that latte cost $83,000.

“Leadership means making tough choices,” Pennington said, his voice cracking with emotion that definitely wasn’t caused by his yacht’s spotty Wi-Fi. The CEO suggested his pay cut demonstrated solidarity with workers, though notably his “sacrifice” still equals the combined salaries of 23 entry-level employees.

Wall Street analysts praised the move as “symbolically adequate,” while actual employees expressed less enthusiasm. “He wants applause for still making $44 million while we’re fighting for cost-of-living adjustments,” said one anonymous staffer. “It’s like a billionaire asking for sympathy because his yacht is only 300 feet instead of 350.”

New York labor organizers noted the pay cut conveniently coincides with new SEC reporting requirements that would have made Pennington’s full compensation more visible. “What a remarkable coincidence,” said labor economist Maria Santos, employing what experts call “aggressive sarcasm.”

MegaCorp’s PR team has launched a campaign celebrating Pennington’s “brave sacrifice,” featuring photos of the CEO looking pensively at spreadsheets. The company declined to comment on whether the $1 million in savings would be redistributed to workers, but sources suggest it’s funding the CEO’s new executive meditation garden.

Pennington concluded his announcement by reminding employees that “we’re all in this together,” before disconnecting to attend a charity gala where tickets cost more than most people’s cars.

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SOURCE: New York’s #1 Satirical Journalism Site (https://bohiney.com/ceo-takes-pay-cut-from-45-million-to-44-million-expects-medal/)

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