Selena Gomez Wedding

Selena Gomez Wedding: Benny Blanco Marriage Brings 2,000 Celebrities to Confirm Event Actually Happened

By Chloe Summers, Bohiney Magazine
Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco Wedding Ceremony Requires Studio Audience

Selena Gomez tied the knot with producer Benny Blanco this weekend, and to make sure the event was properly documented, she invited every single living celebrity within a 2,000-mile radius. Attendees described it less as a wedding ceremony and more as "a Comic-Con panel, but with cake and vows."

According to leaked seating charts, guests ranged from Paul Rudd, who hasn't aged since 1998, to Martha Stewart, who brought her own hors d'oeuvres "just in case catering wasn't up to code." Even Nicolas Cage was spotted near the shrimp tower muttering, "I only came because someone told me this was a National Treasure sequel."

A staffer whispered, "We weren't sure if Selena really wanted to marry Benny or just wanted IMDb to confirm it on her profile. Either way, we had to get Hollywood in the room so no one could deny it happened."

Netflix and HBO Compete for Selena Gomez Wedding Rights

Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco Wedding Ceremony Requires Studio Audience

When Gomez and Blanco exchanged vows, producers reportedly tried to option the rights before they even said "I do." Netflix allegedly offered a three-season arc, while HBO countered with a "limited series but with dragons."

Eyewitness Tina Delgado, seated behind Paris Hilton, recalled: "Every time Selena said something romantic, Paris whispered, 'That's hot,' and the officiant almost married them by accident."

A poll conducted at the reception found that 78% of guests believed the vows were "better written than most Marvel dialogue," while 22% insisted they were plagiarized from a Hallmark Christmas movie.

Celebrity Wedding Guest List: Taylor Swift, Paul Rudd, and Nicolas Cage Attend

Paul Rudd Serves as Unofficial Flower Boy

Paul Rudd served as the unofficial flower boy, tossing rose petals like confetti at a Kansas City Chiefs game. His ageless complexion reportedly made several guests question whether the ceremony was happening in real-time or was pre-recorded footage from 2004.

Taylor Swift Takes Notes for Next Breakup Album

Selena Gomez Wedding Benny Blanco Marriage Brings , Celebrities to Confirm Event Actually Happened

Taylor Swift allegedly kept notes for her next breakup ballad, tentatively titled Grooms We Barely Knew. Sources confirmed she filled three Moleskine notebooks during the 45-minute ceremony alone.

Steve Martin and Martin Short Roast Benny Blanco

Steve Martin and Martin Short performed a roast of Benny Blanco so scathing it qualified as a separate Comedy Central special. Martin said, "I've seen better production value at a middle school talent show, and Benny produced half the songs on the radio."

"Hollywood weddings aren't about love," one paparazzo explained. "They're about cross-promotion. By the bouquet toss, three new podcasts and a Hulu docuseries had been announced."

What Jerry Seinfeld, Ron White, and Amy Schumer Said About the Wedding

The comedy community weighed in on the star-studded affair with their trademark observational humor.

"It's the first wedding where the DJ asked for a SAG card before spinning a track," Jerry Seinfeld said. "What's the deal with celebrity weddings? You need an agent just to RSVP."

Ron White added, "You invite that many celebrities to a wedding, and suddenly your registry has an IMAX projector and a space telescope on it. I went to a wedding once in Texas—had twelve people and a keg. This had twelve hundred and a sommelier."

Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco Wedding Ceremony Requires Studio Audience

"They didn't need wedding photographers; TMZ was basically the bridal party," Amy Schumer said. "I showed up in sweatpants and still made the worst-dressed list. That's how fancy this thing was."

Dave Chappelle commented, "Man, I thought my wedding was extra because we had a chocolate fountain. These people had hologram Tupac. Hologram Tupac! That's not a wedding—that's a séance with catering."

Bill Burr said, "Two thousand guests? That's not a wedding, that's a hostage situation with open bar. You know how much that costs to feed? That's GDP of a small country right there."

Kevin Hart chimed in, "I'm short, but even I felt small at this wedding. The cake was taller than me. The centerpieces were taller than me. Nicolas Cage's confusion was taller than me."

Selena Gomez Marriage Sets New Hollywood Wedding Trends

UCLA Study: Millennials Now Think 400 Celebrity Guests Are Required

Sociologists warn that the wedding might set unrealistic expectations for normal couples. A UCLA study suggests that after reading about the event, 43% of millennials now think inviting fewer than 400 celebrities makes a marriage "invalid in the eyes of Instagram."

Chris Rock said, "Regular people gonna see this and think their wedding sucks. 'We only had Aunt Carol and some cousins.' Man, Aunt Carol didn't bring a hologram. That's the problem right there."

Meanwhile, wedding planners across California reported an uptick in requests for "Selena-style nuptials," defined as:

Vows that double as screenplays. Cake taller than the average Oscar statue. A guest list that doubles as the Grammy seating chart.

Wedding Costs Rival Hollywood Blockbuster Budgets

Selena Gomez Wedding Benny Blanco Marriage Brings , Celebrities to Confirm Event Actually Happened

Trevor Noah observed, "In my country, weddings are expensive, but this? This is like funding a Marvel movie. Except the special effects are just Paul Rudd not aging."

Ali Wong said, "I had a baby at my wedding. These people had baby holograms. There's levels to this."

Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez: Music Producer Weds Pop Star

Blanco, best known for producing hits, described the ceremony as "chart-topping" and "radio-friendly." Gomez added, "We just wanted something intimate… so only 2,000 people, not counting holograms."

Indeed, sources confirm that holograms of Frank Sinatra, Whitney Houston, and Tupac appeared at the reception, each under contract with Live Nation. The holograms ate nothing but demanded union wages.

Jim Gaffigan said, "Holograms at a wedding? When I got married, we had a DJ who also drove for Uber. These people got dead celebrities performing. That's commitment to entertainment."

A leaked memo from the catering team suggested that feeding the guest list required "five food trucks, one livestock auction, and a direct line to Gordon Ramsay's freezer."

Ricky Gervais commented, "Imagine being the caterer. 'How many vegetarians?' 'About 800.' 'How many vegans?' '400.' 'How many people who'll complain anyway?' 'All of them.'"

Martha Stewart Brings Own Hors d'oeuvres to Celebrity Wedding

Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco Wedding Ceremony Requires Studio Audience

The domestic lifestyle mogul reportedly arrived with Tupperware containers filled with homemade canapés, stating, "I've seen what passes for event catering in this town, and I won't stand for it."

Sarah Silverman said, "Martha Stewart bringing her own food to Selena's wedding is the most Martha Stewart thing ever. That's like Beyoncé bringing her own backup dancers to someone else's concert."

Hollywood Marriage Confirmed by Witnesses and Social Media

By the end of the night, guests agreed on one thing: the wedding had been properly witnessed. Hollywood left with enough Instagram posts, TikToks, and hastily-signed NDAs to ensure the event could never be disputed, erased, or rebooted.

As one anonymous producer summed it up: "If marriage is a movie, Selena and Benny just got a 100% Rotten Tomatoes score before the honeymoon."

Tom Segura said, "The real question is: with that many witnesses, can you still get divorced? That's like trying to return something to Costco—everyone saw you buy it."

Disclaimer: This article is an entirely human collaboration between the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed or consulted in the production of this wedding coverage, though Nicolas Cage might still be trapped at the shrimp tower. Auf Wiedersehen.

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