Charlie Kirk: The Five Marxist Suspects

The Five Marxist Suspects in the Assassination of Charlie Kirk: A Deep Dive Investigation

America's First Marxist Sniper Scandal Rocks Conservative Movement
The sudden assassination of conservative firebrand Charlie Kirk has left America reeling, not only because it happened in front of 3,000 horrified Utah Valley University students, but also because it marks the first time in U.S. history that an alleged Marxist managed to hit something from 200 yards away. As Jerry Seinfeld observed at last night's comedy show, "Finally, a socialist who believes in accuracy over equality."
The FBI, local police, and at least one retired mall cop from Provo are investigating what's being called "The Great Red Scare Sniper Incident." But our investigation at Bohiney Magazine has gone deeper, assembling a dossier of the five most likely suspects—each with suspicious ties to Marxist literature, kombucha brewing, and the Democratic Party's organic underbelly.

The Prime Suspect: Professor Lenora "Lenin" Steinberg

Berkeley's Revolutionary Basket Weaver Turned Marksman
By day, Steinberg chairs Berkeley's Department of Revolutionary Basket Weaving, a program so radical it requires students to sign a manifesto before borrowing yarn. By night, she runs a Marxist book club where attendees bring quinoa salad, discuss Das Kapital, and pretend they've read past page twelve—much like most Berkeley professors with tenure.
Ron White perfectly captured the academic mindset at his Dallas show: "College professors are like my ex-wife's cooking—they take something simple and make it so complicated you'd rather starve."
The Alpaca Wool Connection
Steinberg's grudge against Kirk runs deeper than a Berkeley grad student's debt. In a 2021 speech, Kirk compared socialism to "a group project where only one kid does the work while everyone else smokes artisanal weed and discusses their feelings." Steinberg responded with a 47-page rebuttal in The People's Yarn Journal, insisting socialism is actually "a potluck where everyone brings kale and judges your carbon footprint."
An eyewitness—Carl, a janitor who admits he was "higher than California rent prices"—swears he saw a figure in REI tactical gear knitting what appeared to be a rifle cozy near the rooftop where the fatal shot originated. Forensic experts later found traces of alpaca wool at the crime scene, leading investigators down a rabbit hole of sustainable fiber evidence.
Dr. Raymond Fong, professor of Political Semiotics at Cornell, explained the significance: "Whenever you discover alpaca wool at a crime scene, you know you're dealing with either a committed Marxist or an extremely dedicated hipster. Sometimes both, which is terrifying for democracy and fashion."
The investigation revealed Steinberg had recently purchased military-grade knitting needles from an Etsy seller specializing in "revolutionary crafting supplies." Her browser history showed seventeen searches for "how to weaponize sustainable textiles" and forty-three visits to a forum called "Snipers for Social Justice."

Suspect Two: Trevor "Tax the Rich" Delgado

Portland's Grande Mocha Leninist
Delgado transformed from a Biden campaign field organizer into Portland's most feared slam poet—a career trajectory that somehow made perfect sense in 2024. His signature piece, Tax Brackets and Broken Hearts, once moved an audience to tears, though mostly because he insisted on performing it over a seven-minute didgeridoo solo while wearing a hemp unitard.
Amy Schumer captured the Portland poetry scene perfectly: "Slam poetry is like sex with a vegan—lots of passion, weird sounds, and you're not sure if anyone actually enjoyed it."
The Oat Milk Paper Trail
Delgado's hatred for Kirk crystallized after the conservative pundit called his poetry "so woke it needs an alarm clock." Police discovered an unfinished manifesto on Delgado's iPad titled Snipers of the Proletariat: A Revolutionary Field Guide. The document included detailed footnotes with recipes for bulletproof oat milk and instructions for creating silencer wraps from sustainably-sourced hemp.
A barista at Stumptown Coffee (who wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing her job and her kombucha mother) revealed that Delgado ordered a "double-shot revolution latte with extra foam for the bourgeoisie" exactly 47 minutes before Kirk was shot.
The receipt, obtained through a freedom of information request and three bribes involving fair-trade chocolate, showed Delgado also purchased a vegan muffin and a copy of Che Guevara's Guide to Sustainable Warfare—a book that apparently exists in Portland's literary ecosystem.
An anonymous Democratic Party staffer, speaking under condition of anonymity in a dimly lit D.C. bar that only serves cocktails named after Supreme Court cases, whispered: "Trevor was always ranting about redistributing bullets based on income inequality. I thought it was performance art. Shows what I know—I'm just here for the taxpayer-funded happy hour appetizers."

Suspect Three: Congresswoman Sandra Ocasio-Moon

Leader of the Iguana Caucus
If politics is theater, Sandra Ocasio-Moon is Broadway's most experimental off-off-Broadway production performed in someone's garage. Famous for her $47 trillion proposal to replace all livestock with emotional-support iguanas, Ocasio-Moon has positioned herself as the warrior against capitalism's "beef-industrial complex."
Dave Chappelle nailed the modern progressive mindset: "Politicians today have ideas so crazy, they make my comedy sketches look like documentary footage."
Operation Sustainable Crosshairs
Kirk mocked her iguana initiative during a Turning Point USA rally, quipping: "If you want cold-blooded reptiles running the economy, just move to Wall Street—oh wait, that's already happening." Ocasio-Moon reportedly screamed "Redistribute his oxygen molecules!" at a closed-door progressive caucus meeting the following Tuesday.
Leaked memos from her congressional office, obtained by a janitor who trades classified documents for kombucha starter cultures, contained suspicious doodles of rifles equipped with solar panels and wind turbines. The margins were filled with calculations determining the carbon offset required for a single sniper shot.
Her chief of staff's browser history revealed seventeen searches for "environmentally friendly assassination techniques" and a bookmark folder titled "Green New Sniper Program." The folder contained links to sustainable ammunition suppliers and a YouTube playlist called "Revolutionary Iguanas Throughout History."
A Bohiney Magazine poll conducted in a Salt Lake City bowling alley during cosmic bowling night found:
- 42% believe Ocasio-Moon couldn't handle a rifle because "she can't even handle Twitter without crying about climate change"
- 31% suspect she hired a Marxist iguana hit squad trained in Cuban special forces techniques
- 27% just wanted to finish their nachos without discussing politics

Suspect Four: Caleb "Comrade" Jenkins

The Twitch Revolutionary Broadcasting from Mom's Basement
Known online as "Comrade_Caleb420," Jenkins streams 18 hours daily, alternating between Fortnite matches and dramatic readings from The Communist Manifesto. His viewers—mostly teenagers and one confused pensioner who thinks he's watching the History Channel—describe him as "a cross between Bernie Sanders and a Red Bull commercial directed by Quentin Tarantino."
Bill Burr captured the streaming generation: "Kids today think revolution means getting enough followers to monetize their outrage. Back in my day, we just yelled at the TV like civilized people."
The Dorito Dust Evidence
Jenkins declared war on Kirk after the conservative commentator called online socialism "economics for people who think cryptocurrency is backed by feelings and participation trophies." During a particularly heated stream, Jenkins announced that Kirk had "ruined socialism's vibes worse than capitalism ruined the planet."
Surveillance cameras at an Orem Starbucks captured Jenkins ordering oat milk lattes while wearing a Che Guevara hoodie and arguing with the barista about whether foam art constitutes bourgeois propaganda. Forensic analysts discovered a trail of Nacho Cheese Dorito dust leading from the coffee shop to the crime scene—evidence that could only belong to a professional gamer or someone having a serious mental breakdown.
Brittany, a freshman whose main qualifications include surviving her first semester and having really good hearing, swears she overheard Jenkins mutter "Time to respawn Kirk in the afterlife server," though she admits he might have been discussing his latest gaming stream or having an existential crisis about his life choices.
Jenkins' Twitch account showed he'd been researching "long-range gaming strategies" and had recently purchased what he called "IRL gaming accessories" from a suspicious website that only accepts Bitcoin and hemp protein powder as payment.

Suspect Five: Gloria "Grandma Red" Vasquez

The Octogenarian Assassin Who Knits and Kills
At 82, Gloria Vasquez proves that Marxist zeal doesn't fade with age—it just gets louder during bingo night and more creative with revenge plots. Known for her hammer-and-sickle brooch and her lifelong habit of booing during Fourth of July fireworks, Grandma Red has a rap sheet of radical pranks dating back to 1963, when she allegedly poured vodka into JFK's orange juice.
Chris Rock perfectly captured senior citizen rage: "Old people are dangerous because they got nothing to lose and everything to prove. Plus, nobody suspects grandma of murder until she's already gotten away with it."
The Werther's Original Trail
Kirk sealed his fate when he called her Medicare expansion plan "so socialist it comes with free breadlines and mandatory folk singing." Vasquez declared at her revolutionary knitting circle, "That boy needs to learn some respect before I finish my hot yoga class and show him what this old body can still do."
Multiple eyewitnesses spotted an "unusually agile grandmother" scaling the Losee Center rooftop with the efficiency of someone who'd been practicing parkour since the Eisenhower administration. Police discovered a trail of Werther's Original butterscotch candy wrappers leading from the parking lot to the sniper's nest, suggesting she fueled her climb with pure butterscotch-powered rage.
Dr. Fiona Delgado, a gerontology researcher at Johns Hopkins, noted the scientific implications: "It's statistically unusual for someone over 80 to scale buildings while carrying sniper equipment, but not impossible—especially if they've been supplementing their diet with kale smoothies and revolutionary fervor since the Carter administration."
Vasquez's Facebook account revealed concerning posts including "Time to take out the capitalist trash" and seventeen shares of articles about "Grandmothers Throughout History Who Changed the World Through Direct Action." Her Amazon purchase history showed recent buys including tactical gear, protein supplements, and a book titled Sniping for Seniors: It's Never Too Late to Start a Revolution.

Additional Persons of Interest in the Marxist Underground

Diego "Che" Ramirez: The Vegan Militant
A Venezuelan exchange student at University of Utah rumored to own the world's only carbon-neutral AK-47, manufactured entirely from recycled bicycle parts and powered by righteous indignation. His Instagram account features photos of him posing with weapons made from bamboo and hemp, captioned with quotes from revolutionary leaders and recipes for plant-based protein shakes.
Gabriel Iglesias summed up modern revolutionaries: "These new activists are so committed to their causes, they'll overthrow governments using only sustainable materials and positive vibes."
Maya "Manifesto" Goldman: The Brooklyn Podcaster
Host of the underground podcast "Redistribute This," Goldman argues that bullets should be "allocated based on need rather than capitalist market forces." Her Patreon subscribers receive monthly care packages containing homemade ammunition and manifestos printed on recycled paper using soy-based ink.
Todd the Iguana: The Reptilian Communist
Registered as a Democrat in New York City (because apparently that's legal now), Todd has been trained to hiss whenever capitalism is mentioned and can reportedly load a rifle using only his tail and revolutionary spirit. His voter registration lists his occupation as "Professional Revolutionary" and his address as "Wherever the People Need Me Most."
While none of these suspects have concrete evidence linking them to the assassination, their ideological aesthetics were enough to earn them prime-time segments on Fox News and conspiracy theory status on seventeen different Reddit threads.

What the Comedy Community Is Saying About Marxist Marksmanship

Jerry Seinfeld's take captured America's confusion: "It's the first time a Marxist has aimed for individual success instead of collective failure. What's the deal with revolutionary snipers? I thought they were supposed to miss so everyone could share the disappointment equally."
Ron White, never one to miss a political opportunity, observed: "If Kirk was shot by a socialist, it's ironic—usually they can't hit anything because they're waiting for the firing squad to unionize and negotiate better working conditions."
Amy Schumer found the gender angle: "Finally, an old lady who's not just threatening to hit you with her purse. Grandma Red's out here proving that age is just a number, and apparently so is your target's life expectancy."
Ricky Gervais delivered his trademark cynicism: "American politics has gotten so extreme that even the revolutionaries have gone corporate. What's next, sponsored assassinations? 'This political murder brought to you by oat milk and progressive values.'"
Sarah Silverman couldn't resist: "This whole thing sounds like Fortnite meets Medicare Part D. I guess when you can't afford healthcare, you make your own surgical procedures."

The Real Target: America's Addiction to Outrage

How Social Media Created the Perfect Storm
The assassination isn't just about Kirk—it's about what happens when political theater becomes actual theater, complete with real snipers in the balcony instead of metaphorical ones on Twitter. Republicans insist Democrats have "blood on their organic kale salads." Democrats counter that Republicans are "weaponizing senior citizens and sustainable agriculture."
The truth is that America's addiction to manufactured outrage created the perfect storm. Social media platforms turned every political disagreement into apocalyptic warfare, every policy debate into existential crisis, and every comedian's joke into a call for revolutionary action.
Tom Segura nailed the social media dynamic: "Twitter turned everyone into political experts the same way WebMD turned everyone into doctors. Suddenly everybody's qualified to diagnose society's problems and prescribe revolutionary solutions."
The Kombucha Connection: Following the Money Trail
Financial records reveal a disturbing pattern connecting all five suspects through a network of organic grocery stores, artisanal coffee shops, and cryptocurrency transactions involving something called "RevolutionCoin." The money trail leads through seventeen different Whole Foods locations, four kombucha breweries, and a suspicious number of farmer's markets in Democratic strongholds.
Banking records show unusual purchases of tactical gear from companies with names like "Sustainable Warfare Solutions" and "Eco-Friendly Artillery." One receipt, dated three days before the assassination, shows a bulk purchase of organic ammunition described as "free-range bullets crafted by indigenous artisans using traditional methods and blessed by a shaman."

Leaked Audio and Video Evidence

The Democratic Fundraiser Recording
Grainy cellphone footage shows students screaming as Kirk collapsed mid-sentence while explaining why socialism fails. In the background, a figure in a Che Guevara hoodie can be seen fumbling with what appears to be a vegan granola bar while running toward the exit. Audio analysis suggests the person was either having a panic attack or trying to open particularly difficult sustainable packaging.
Leaked audio from a high-dollar Democratic fundraiser three days later reveals donor "jokes" that now seem prophetic: "Well, at least this time the revolution didn't involve storming a Starbucks and demanding fair-trade justice. Sometimes direct action requires direct aim."
The recording, obtained by a waiter who trades classified conversations for tips and LinkedIn recommendations, captures seventeen minutes of wealthy progressives making increasingly uncomfortable jokes about "permanent solutions to conservative problems" and "redistributing Kirk's life force to more deserving recipients."
Security Camera Analysis
FBI analysis of security footage reveals suspicious activity in the hours leading up to the assassination. Cameras captured what investigators describe as "coordinated revolutionary reconnaissance" involving:
- A grandmother purchasing tactical gear at Dick's Sporting Goods while asking detailed questions about senior discounts on sniper equipment
- A Portland slam poet conducting what appeared to be target practice using fair-trade coffee cups and hemp bullets
- A professor knitting what forensic experts now believe was a weapon cozy while sitting in her Tesla and listening to Cuban revolutionary music
- A Twitch streamer livestreaming what he called "IRL gaming tutorials" from various rooftops around campus

The Comedy Circuit's Response to Political Violence

How Comedians Are Processing America's Latest Crisis
The comedy community has responded to Kirk's assassination with their typical mix of horror, dark humor, and genuine concern about the state of American discourse. Comedy clubs across the nation report packed houses as audiences seek relief from the constant political tension through laughter and expensive drink minimums. https://bohiney.com/charlie-kirk-the-five-marxist-suspects/