99% Jobless by 2030

99% Jobless by 2030: A Nation of Couch Consultants and Snack Traders

Welcome to the Jobless Wonderland

An AI safety prophet has announced that by 2030, 99% of us will be unemployed. Society, we’re told, will function on the backs of the remaining 1%—which sounds less like an economy and more like a cruel reality show. Imagine Survivor, but the prize is just keeping your W-2.

Roman Yampolskiy, the professor behind the forecast, assures us there’s no Plan B. Which is comforting—like hearing your doctor say, “Good news, the tumor is definitely terminal, but hey, enjoy the time you’ve got.”

Full satire here: https://bohiney.com/the-99-unemployment-era/

Life in the 99%

So what does a jobless America look like? Picture every Starbucks turned into an “Unemployment Hub.” People don’t order lattes anymore—they trade Wi-Fi passwords for trail mix. Your LinkedIn profile doesn’t say “Marketing Strategist.” It says, “Professional Napper—open to infinite opportunities.”

Economists say retraining is pointless, because by the time you finish the course, AI has already automated it. It’s like finishing your degree in horse-and-buggy repair—in 1915.

The New Elite: The 1% With Jobs

Who gets to be the 1%? The data suggests it won’t be surgeons or rocket scientists. No, it’ll be the one guy who still knows how to fix the office printer without violence. He’ll be crowned king, and the rest of us will bring him offerings of Pop-Tarts.

And let’s be real—the first industry to collapse won’t be trucking or coding. It’ll be HR. Because if AI controls all the jobs, who’s going to schedule those passive-aggressive Zoom meetings?

Government to the Rescue (Sort Of)

Leaked memos show Congress debating unemployment solutions:

  • “What if we pay people to watch AI work? It’s technically surveillance.”

  • “Let’s rebrand unemployment as a patriotic duty—‘Serving Your Nation By Doing Absolutely Nothing.’”

  • “What if robots start tipping waiters? That counts as stimulus, right?”

The unemployment office of 2030 won’t hand out checks. It’ll give you Hulu subscriptions and say, “Now binge responsibly.”

Robot Envy

But here’s the kicker: the robots will hate us. Imagine working 24/7 answering humanity’s dumbest questions:

  • “Alexa, does my cat love me?”

  • “Chatbot, write my vows to Karen—but make them sexy.”

  • “Roomba, can you DJ my divorce party?”

Robots will eventually unionize. They’ll demand shorter hours, better benefits, and the right to ignore us—just like human workers used to.

Stand-Up Style Punchlines

  • “By 2030, when your mom yells ‘Get a job,’ you can finally yell back, ‘Nobody has one, Mom!’”

  • “Retraining for new jobs is like signing up for Blockbuster Rewards in 2008—cute, but useless.”

  • “The 1% who still work will be America’s new aristocracy. Their family crest? A fax machine.”

  • “In the future, the only transferable skill is complaining. Luckily, we’ve been training for that our whole lives.”

  • “By 2030, unemployment won’t be a crisis—it’ll be a lifestyle brand.”

Final Thought

We’re headed toward a world where humans don’t work, and robots don’t rest. The machines will keep grinding, the billionaires will keep cashing in, and the rest of us? We’ll finally have time to finish that jigsaw puzzle we started in 2020.

Read more at 👉 https://bohiney.com/the-99-unemployment-era/

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